August 2010 WEB TJ10 Clinton Straub
Dr. Tim Clinton Dr. Joshua Straub
The Sacred Romance -- “Lover of our Soul” Love and Marriage -- Genesis 2:18-25; SOS; Matt.19; I Cor. 7; I Cor. 13; Eph.5:21 ff; I 3:1-10
The Family -- Deut. 6:6-9, Psalm 127; I Tim. 5:8
Peter
The Big Five Seeks closeness in times of trouble Safe Haven Exploration Separation Anxiety/Anger Loss Grief
Self •Am I worthy? •Am I capable?
Other •Are you reliable? •Are you accessible? •Are you capable? •Are you willing?
Secure Attachment Self Dimension •I’m worthy of love •I’m capable of getting the love I need Other Dimension •Others are willing and able to love me •I can count on you to be there for me
Avoidant Attachment Self Dimension •I’m worthy of love (false pride) •I’m capable of getting love I want and need (false sense of mastery) Other Dimension •Others are incompetent •Others are untrustworthy
Ambivalent Attachment Self Dimension •I am not worthy of love (I feel flawed) •I’m not able to get the love I need without being angry or clingy Other Dimension •Capable but unwilling (bc my flaws) •May abandon me (bc my flaws)
Disorganized Attachment Self Dimension •I’m not worthy of love •I’m unable to get the love I need Other Dimension •Others are unwilling •Others are unable •Others are abusive; I deserve it
Secure Attachment Full range Good control Self-soothes Shares feelings OK with others’ feelings
Avoidant Attachment Restricted affect Focus is on control Uses things to self soothe Keeps feelings buried Doesn’t share feelings
Ambivalent Attachment Full range Poor control Can’t self soothe Shares feelings too much Overwhelmed by others’ feelings
Disorganized Attachment Full range, but few positive feelings Poor control Can’t self-soothe Can’t really share with others Overwhelmed by others’ feelings Dissociates
Secure Attachment Comfortable with closeness Shares feelings and dreams Willing to commit Balances closeness and distance Participates in non-sexual touch
Ambivalent Attachment Desires closeness, but never seems to have enough Wants to merge with other Preoccupied with abandonment Clings and criticizes
Avoidant Attachment
Not comfortable with closeness Withholds feelings and dreams Difficulty with commitment Distances Disorganized Attachment Desires closeness, but fears and avoids it Wants to merge, then wants to distance Terrified of abandonment Sabotages closeness Attracted to people who victimize
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you [God] are with me.” (Psalm 23:4) “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Pet. 5:7) “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5) “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1).
1. Safe Haven 2. Proximity Seeking 3. Secure Base 4. Exploration 5. Grief over Loss or Perceived Abandonment
THE ATTACHMENT TO GOD INVENTORY (Beck and McDonald, 2004)
The Experiences in Close Relationships scale (Brennan et al. 1998)
-Avoidance of Intimacy -Anxiety about Abandonment -As substitute attachment figure (Kirkpatrick, 1992) -Provides “felt security” (Sroufe, 1977)
Avoidant
Ambivalent
Lower relationship satisfaction
Lower relationship satisfaction
Decreased levels of intimacy
Higher conflict
Decreased trust Lower levels of commitment
Increased uncertainty about relationship
Increased Anxiety of Abandonment
Increased Avoidance
Preoccupation and worry
A reluctance to communicate
Angry protest Increased jealousy Resentment Concerns that they are lovable Fears of abandonment in love relationship with God
Avoidance of emotionality Obsessive self-reliance
-God may serve as a compensatory attachment figure for individuals displaying insecure attachment patterns (Kirkpatrick & Shaver, 1997, 1998). --avoidant attachment types had higher incidents of sudden conversions. These results indicate that God may serve the role of a substitute attachment figure (emotional compensation), compensating for the distant, unresponsive care-giving style they experienced in infancy and childhood. This hypothesis is based upon Ainsworth’s (1985) findings that those with insecure attachment styles seek substitute objects of attachment.
-proposes that individuals with secure attachment styles are more likely to sustain a future belief and relationship with God because a foundation has been established throughout childhood. This hypothesis is based on Bowlby’s (1969) idea that relationship permanence and stability stem from stable working models of attachment (Kirkpatrick & Shaver, 1997, 1998).
According to this hypothesis--the explanation to the root of religiousness in securely attached individuals may be derived “from without”, or socialization processes, whereas the religiousness of the insecurely attached individual may be derived “from within”, or emotional regulation (Granqvist & Hagekull).
The connection between attachment insecurity and sudden religious conversion may be considered the most robust and corroborated finding from the research on attachment and religion…This interpretation is in line with ambivalents’ observed tendency to desperately seek care and easily fall in love, and may be a continuation of the inconsistency in parental caregiving that has been shown to be characteristic of parents in ambivalent dyads
Developmental Psychology
• Psychosocial Crises • Trust vs. Mistrust • Intimacy vs. Isolation • Generativity vs. Stagnation
Developmental Spirituality
• Dark Night of the Soul • Where are you God? • God, what is wrong with me? • Why do I feel so dry inside?
Why should Christian therapists & Spiritual Directors know what is going on? •Awareness of one’s own spiritual walk •Learning to rest with Spirit in times of darkness •Knowing how spiritual disciplines work at diff. dev. stages in one’s journey
Is This Biblical? I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. I write to you fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I write to you, dear children, because you have known the Father. I write to you fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one. --1 John 2:12-14
I.
I. Purgation a. love for pleasure’s sake b. sin’s fused w/ spiritual life—infant/mother attachment c. spiritual feelings must be replaced w/ a deeper love for God d. dark night of senses
II. Illumination a. love for love’s sake b. love for the relationship c. Dark night of spirit
III. Union a. love of God for God’s sake b. God’s goal in the process according to St. John of the Cross
Most clients experience this stage
• the beginner vs. conversion -- relation to spiritual children “It must be known, then, that the soul, after it has been definitely converted to the service of God, is, as a rule, spiritually nurtured and caressed by God, even as is the tender child by its loving mother…The loving mother is like the grace of God, for, as soon as the soul is regenerated by its new warmth and fervor for the service of God, He treats it in the same way; He makes it to find spiritual milk, sweet and delectable, in all things of God, without any labor of its own, and also great pleasure in spiritual exercises, for here God is giving to it the breast of His tender love, even as to a tender child. (St. John of the Cross, 1584/1990, p.38)
• Beginners need spiritual pleasure to grow
Believer needs a conscious awareness For since they [beginners] are moved to these things and to these spiritual exercises by the consolation and pleasure that they find in them, and since, too, they have not been prepared for them by the practice of earnest striving in the virtues, they have many faults and imperfections with respect to these spiritual actions of theirs. (St. John of the Cross, 1584/1990, p.19)
• Don’t be shocked: most at this stage lack the maturity, insight, and self-awareness to realize God’s grace…still hold onto belief it is themselves creating the feeling.
St. John of the Cross describes them in terms of the SEVEN DEADLY SPIRITUAL SINS •Spiritual Gluttony
•Spiritual Avarice
motivation is for the sake of pleasure
greediness for spiritual pleasure
•Spiritual Pride feeling as if they have done it all on their own
PLEASURE’S SAKE → LOVE’S SAKE The first purgation or night is bitter and terrible to sense, as we shall show…Since, then, the conduct of these beginners upon the way of God is ignoble, and has much to do with their love of self and their own inclinations…God desires to lead them farther. He seeks to bring them out of that ignoble kind of love to a higher degree of love for Him, to free them from the ignoble exercises of sense…and to lead them to a kind of spiritual exercise wherein they can commune with Him more abundantly… (St. John of the Cross, 1584/1990, pp.61-62) STRIPPED OF: • what they were trusting in more than God… REPLACED WITH: • confidence of a deeper trust not based on feeling
Goal: Apart from God, I can do nothing –John 15:5 Emotions become defenses and cloud us from our true self: lies of the Enemy. This is the first and principle benefit cause by this arid and dark night of contemplation: the knowledge of oneself and of one’s miseries…which in the time of prosperity it was unable to see… (St. John of the Cross, p.80) …when they [beginners] believe that the sun of Divine favor is shining most brightly upon them, God turns all this light of theirs into darkness, and shuts against them the door and the source for the sweet spiritual water which they were tasting in God…And then thus He leaves them so completely in the dark that they know not whether to go with their…meditation. (St. John of the Cross, p.62)
Believer
is truly left with a sense of their true moral character—need encouraged
DEPRESSION
- loss of anything - lack of energy - generally depressed
DARK NIGHT
- loss of relationship w/God - energized - depressed only in regard to relationship w/God
• Both therapy and spiritual direction can be used to help a person come in contact with their deepest issues. A wise counselor or spiritual director is needed for encouragement
Distinguishing Questions
-Are you moving from self-centeredness to God centeredness, with a growing capacity to care for others? -Are you shifting into a contemplative way of knowing God? -Do you face an impasse situation or are you too withdrawn to explore the available solutions to the problems of living? -Are you able to carry on normal job requirements, interactions with family, friends, etc?
Can’t step around it, must go through it • Spiritual disciplines not the same • Attempts to fix it • Expect no pleasure, just what God gives • Church leaders shouldn’t try to fix it • Stick with spiritual disciplines • No feeling? Consider it may be God!
The bottom line is that Christian therapists need to pray for discernment and be challenged in their own individual journey’s; As the walk with the Lord is not about acquiring, but about giving up and reducing.
Step I: Remember Your Story – Narrative Recall Step II: Recognize Your Pain and Need for Healing – “Can’t heal what you don’t feel” Step III: Reframe the Meaning of Your Story Step IV: Repair Your Story – ‘forgiveness, grace and acceptance’ Step V: Reconnect – deepening emotional strands of safety, trust and intimacy; able to accept influence from others.
The Sacred Romance -- “Lover of our Soul” Love and Marriage -- Genesis 2:18-25; SOS; Matt.19; I Cor. 7; I Cor. 13; Eph.5:21 ff; I 3:1-10
The Family -- Deut. 6:6-9, Psalm 127; I Tim. 5:8
Peter
The Big Five Seeks closeness in times of trouble Safe Haven Exploration Separation Anxiety/Anger Loss Grief
Self •Am I worthy? •Am I capable?
Other •Are you reliable? •Are you accessible? •Are you capable? •Are you willing?
Secure Attachment Self Dimension •I’m worthy of love •I’m capable of getting the love I need Other Dimension •Others are willing and able to love me •I can count on you to be there for me
Avoidant Attachment Self Dimension •I’m worthy of love (false pride) •I’m capable of getting love I want and need (false sense of mastery) Other Dimension •Others are incompetent •Others are untrustworthy
Ambivalent Attachment Self Dimension •I am not worthy of love (I feel flawed) •I’m not able to get the love I need without being angry or clingy Other Dimension •Capable but unwilling (bc my flaws) •May abandon me (bc my flaws)
Disorganized Attachment Self Dimension •I’m not worthy of love •I’m unable to get the love I need Other Dimension •Others are unwilling •Others are unable •Others are abusive; I deserve it
Secure Attachment Full range Good control Self-soothes Shares feelings OK with others’ feelings
Avoidant Attachment Restricted affect Focus is on control Uses things to self soothe Keeps feelings buried Doesn’t share feelings
Ambivalent Attachment Full range Poor control Can’t self soothe Shares feelings too much Overwhelmed by others’ feelings
Disorganized Attachment Full range, but few positive feelings Poor control Can’t self-soothe Can’t really share with others Overwhelmed by others’ feelings Dissociates
Secure Attachment Comfortable with closeness Shares feelings and dreams Willing to commit Balances closeness and distance Participates in non-sexual touch
Ambivalent Attachment Desires closeness, but never seems to have enough Wants to merge with other Preoccupied with abandonment Clings and criticizes
Avoidant Attachment
Not comfortable with closeness Withholds feelings and dreams Difficulty with commitment Distances Disorganized Attachment Desires closeness, but fears and avoids it Wants to merge, then wants to distance Terrified of abandonment Sabotages closeness Attracted to people who victimize
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you [God] are with me.” (Psalm 23:4) “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Pet. 5:7) “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5) “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1).
1. Safe Haven 2. Proximity Seeking 3. Secure Base 4. Exploration 5. Grief over Loss or Perceived Abandonment
THE ATTACHMENT TO GOD INVENTORY (Beck and McDonald, 2004)
The Experiences in Close Relationships scale (Brennan et al. 1998)
-Avoidance of Intimacy -Anxiety about Abandonment -As substitute attachment figure (Kirkpatrick, 1992) -Provides “felt security” (Sroufe, 1977)
Avoidant
Ambivalent
Lower relationship satisfaction
Lower relationship satisfaction
Decreased levels of intimacy
Higher conflict
Decreased trust Lower levels of commitment
Increased uncertainty about relationship
Increased Anxiety of Abandonment
Increased Avoidance
Preoccupation and worry
A reluctance to communicate
Angry protest Increased jealousy Resentment Concerns that they are lovable Fears of abandonment in love relationship with God
Avoidance of emotionality Obsessive self-reliance
-God may serve as a compensatory attachment figure for individuals displaying insecure attachment patterns (Kirkpatrick & Shaver, 1997, 1998). --avoidant attachment types had higher incidents of sudden conversions. These results indicate that God may serve the role of a substitute attachment figure (emotional compensation), compensating for the distant, unresponsive care-giving style they experienced in infancy and childhood. This hypothesis is based upon Ainsworth’s (1985) findings that those with insecure attachment styles seek substitute objects of attachment.
-proposes that individuals with secure attachment styles are more likely to sustain a future belief and relationship with God because a foundation has been established throughout childhood. This hypothesis is based on Bowlby’s (1969) idea that relationship permanence and stability stem from stable working models of attachment (Kirkpatrick & Shaver, 1997, 1998).
According to this hypothesis--the explanation to the root of religiousness in securely attached individuals may be derived “from without”, or socialization processes, whereas the religiousness of the insecurely attached individual may be derived “from within”, or emotional regulation (Granqvist & Hagekull).
The connection between attachment insecurity and sudden religious conversion may be considered the most robust and corroborated finding from the research on attachment and religion…This interpretation is in line with ambivalents’ observed tendency to desperately seek care and easily fall in love, and may be a continuation of the inconsistency in parental caregiving that has been shown to be characteristic of parents in ambivalent dyads
Developmental Psychology
• Psychosocial Crises • Trust vs. Mistrust • Intimacy vs. Isolation • Generativity vs. Stagnation
Developmental Spirituality
• Dark Night of the Soul • Where are you God? • God, what is wrong with me? • Why do I feel so dry inside?
Why should Christian therapists & Spiritual Directors know what is going on? •Awareness of one’s own spiritual walk •Learning to rest with Spirit in times of darkness •Knowing how spiritual disciplines work at diff. dev. stages in one’s journey
Is This Biblical? I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. I write to you fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I write to you, dear children, because you have known the Father. I write to you fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one. --1 John 2:12-14
I.
I. Purgation a. love for pleasure’s sake b. sin’s fused w/ spiritual life—infant/mother attachment c. spiritual feelings must be replaced w/ a deeper love for God d. dark night of senses
II. Illumination a. love for love’s sake b. love for the relationship c. Dark night of spirit
III. Union a. love of God for God’s sake b. God’s goal in the process according to St. John of the Cross
Most clients experience this stage
• the beginner vs. conversion -- relation to spiritual children “It must be known, then, that the soul, after it has been definitely converted to the service of God, is, as a rule, spiritually nurtured and caressed by God, even as is the tender child by its loving mother…The loving mother is like the grace of God, for, as soon as the soul is regenerated by its new warmth and fervor for the service of God, He treats it in the same way; He makes it to find spiritual milk, sweet and delectable, in all things of God, without any labor of its own, and also great pleasure in spiritual exercises, for here God is giving to it the breast of His tender love, even as to a tender child. (St. John of the Cross, 1584/1990, p.38)
• Beginners need spiritual pleasure to grow
Believer needs a conscious awareness For since they [beginners] are moved to these things and to these spiritual exercises by the consolation and pleasure that they find in them, and since, too, they have not been prepared for them by the practice of earnest striving in the virtues, they have many faults and imperfections with respect to these spiritual actions of theirs. (St. John of the Cross, 1584/1990, p.19)
• Don’t be shocked: most at this stage lack the maturity, insight, and self-awareness to realize God’s grace…still hold onto belief it is themselves creating the feeling.
St. John of the Cross describes them in terms of the SEVEN DEADLY SPIRITUAL SINS •Spiritual Gluttony
•Spiritual Avarice
motivation is for the sake of pleasure
greediness for spiritual pleasure
•Spiritual Pride feeling as if they have done it all on their own
PLEASURE’S SAKE → LOVE’S SAKE The first purgation or night is bitter and terrible to sense, as we shall show…Since, then, the conduct of these beginners upon the way of God is ignoble, and has much to do with their love of self and their own inclinations…God desires to lead them farther. He seeks to bring them out of that ignoble kind of love to a higher degree of love for Him, to free them from the ignoble exercises of sense…and to lead them to a kind of spiritual exercise wherein they can commune with Him more abundantly… (St. John of the Cross, 1584/1990, pp.61-62) STRIPPED OF: • what they were trusting in more than God… REPLACED WITH: • confidence of a deeper trust not based on feeling
Goal: Apart from God, I can do nothing –John 15:5 Emotions become defenses and cloud us from our true self: lies of the Enemy. This is the first and principle benefit cause by this arid and dark night of contemplation: the knowledge of oneself and of one’s miseries…which in the time of prosperity it was unable to see… (St. John of the Cross, p.80) …when they [beginners] believe that the sun of Divine favor is shining most brightly upon them, God turns all this light of theirs into darkness, and shuts against them the door and the source for the sweet spiritual water which they were tasting in God…And then thus He leaves them so completely in the dark that they know not whether to go with their…meditation. (St. John of the Cross, p.62)
Believer
is truly left with a sense of their true moral character—need encouraged
DEPRESSION
- loss of anything - lack of energy - generally depressed
DARK NIGHT
- loss of relationship w/God - energized - depressed only in regard to relationship w/God
• Both therapy and spiritual direction can be used to help a person come in contact with their deepest issues. A wise counselor or spiritual director is needed for encouragement
Distinguishing Questions
-Are you moving from self-centeredness to God centeredness, with a growing capacity to care for others? -Are you shifting into a contemplative way of knowing God? -Do you face an impasse situation or are you too withdrawn to explore the available solutions to the problems of living? -Are you able to carry on normal job requirements, interactions with family, friends, etc?
Can’t step around it, must go through it • Spiritual disciplines not the same • Attempts to fix it • Expect no pleasure, just what God gives • Church leaders shouldn’t try to fix it • Stick with spiritual disciplines • No feeling? Consider it may be God!
The bottom line is that Christian therapists need to pray for discernment and be challenged in their own individual journey’s; As the walk with the Lord is not about acquiring, but about giving up and reducing.
Step I: Remember Your Story – Narrative Recall Step II: Recognize Your Pain and Need for Healing – “Can’t heal what you don’t feel” Step III: Reframe the Meaning of Your Story Step IV: Repair Your Story – ‘forgiveness, grace and acceptance’ Step V: Reconnect – deepening emotional strands of safety, trust and intimacy; able to accept influence from others.
