BULLYING
3/10/2016
Bullying
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Bullying
BULLYING
Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
Beat it
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
Hey Nicki, why the anxious look on your face?
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Who me? Oh, well I’m just, you know, nothing new, just the same old drama.
Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
What do you mean by “drama.” Is this your word for being bullied?
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Uh, well, I don’t really want to talk about it.
Well, I can empathize with that.
Popular Polls Empa…what?
Do you know someone who has been bullied, besides yourself? yes
Empathize, Taylor. You know when you step outside of your own shoes and stand in someone elses?
no not sure
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Eww… like gross. I would never trade my Divadelicious boots for your smelly sneakers. Not literally, Taylor. When you empathize with another person, you are able to understand what they feel – you see the world from their point of view, and feel something for them. empathy is an amazing weapon against all this “stuff” you guys are talking about. It is what distinguishes a bully from a leader. Ever notice that people who bully are often popular? After all, they have power. Many of them can be very personable to teachers and adults. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/
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Bullying
Sometimes people who bully are even protected by teachers because they are star athletes or lead characters in a play.
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To help prevent bullying and to help you deal with bullying we have created this section. It will include: · What is bullying · Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? · What to do if you are being bullied · What to do if you are the person who does the bullying · What to do if you are the bystander · Why people bully · How to help a person who bullies We also have two Bonus YSS sections: Additional resources and a bullying story for discussion (or just serious contemplation). We also have an entirely different section on Cyberbullying Please check that one out, too. But, because selfawareness is the first step toward selfunderstanding and improvement, please think about the role that the self plays in bullying prevention first. POST QUESTION: What do you think is the #1 reason people bully?
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68 responses to “Bullying” WLKHS1102 December 8, 2015 at 10:09 pm The number one reason people bully is because they feel so terrible inside about some problem they have that they feel the need to take it out on others
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Your SELF and bullying
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > Your SELF and bullying
YOUR SELF AND BULLYING
Read this quote, please:
“Maintaining a strong sense of self and good overall selfesteem is another way to ensure you won’t be a victim of bullying attacks since bullies generally only prey on those they feel are weaker than them.”
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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(source: bullyingstatistics.org)
Yes! Your sense of self is KEY in preventing and dealing with bullies! How is YOUR sense of self?
Um, I don’t think I did too well on that. So, what do I do now?
Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
Our entire site and book series is ALL about helping you increase your sense of self. So, read on! Get to know who you are, what you stand for. Find your inner voice and shout it to the world. Stand up to the people who bullY in a way that empowers you, not them.
Inner voice? Like a crazy person?
No, Taylor. Chris and Paula are just giving an example. When you feel confident about something you can shout it to the world, really speak up for yourself. Exactly Steve. People who bully have always existed, but these days – perhaps with media influence and the increased pressures kids seem to face – the violence and consequences have become more disturbing. In fact:
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Popular Polls If you have been bullied, what did it make you feel the most? scared alone confused angry helpless weak different
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Revenge for bullying is one of the strongest motivations for school shootings.
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Suicide rates among teens have grown more than 50% in the past 30 years. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/yourselfandbullying/
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Your SELF and bullying
Helpful efforts are everywhere. In fact, prevention programs work best when people have a strong sense of self and know who they want to be in each and every situation, including when they see someone getting bullied. As Albert Einstein said,
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“The world is a dangerous place. Not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” Read on to get the full story on bullying and how you can do something about it. POST QUESTION: What do you think is the link between people who bully and selfesteem?
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7 responses to “Your SELF and bullying” WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 3:28 pm bullies always feel bad about themselves and take it out on other people.
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WMS010724 October 8, 2015 at 11:36 pm The bullies have low self esteem and they are trying to build their http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/yourselfandbullying/
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What is bullying?
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying is ubiquitous (everywhere – great SAT word). You see it on the news. You hear about it at school and maybe at home. You may have even Googled it and watched videos of people being bullied. But how do you define it exactly? What constitutes bullying and what doesn’t?
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
Here’s a definition we think is useful:
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“A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.” (http://olweus.org/public/bullying.page)
Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
This definition includes three important components:
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1. Bullying is aggressive behavior that involves unwanted, negative actions. 2. Bullying involves a pattern of behavior repeated over time. 3. Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength. Let’s discuss each point briefly. Point one: Aggressive behavior that is unwanted and negative. Aggressive behavior can take many forms: Social – (Newsflash: the stuff you call “drama” is often the stuff experts are calling “social bullying.” Call it what you want, but recognize it for what it is: WRONG and HURTFUL.) Social bullying includes excluding others, which is covert, but it can also be overt, like ganging up on someone who you look at as an “outsider” or someone who does not fit in. Basically, it’s being mean socially. Subtle putdowns – (Newsflash: the stuff you often follow with “just saying” or “just kidding, can’t you take a joke?” often falls in this category.) Putting people down on a continual basis is a form of bullying. Joking around with your best friend with comments like, “Did you run out of clean clothes this morning?” is fine when the two of you KNOW you are joking because you are so close. But when you do it to “dig” at another person, it is a different http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whatisbullying/
Popular Polls If you have been bullied, was it: cyber physical social (relational) all of the above
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What is bullying?
story. If you continually make comments that put other people down, even disguised as a joke, this is bullying. You always need to ask yourself, Am I joking with this person to make a connection with him? Or, Am I joking with this person to make a connection with others? If it’s the latter (others), it’s likely bullying
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Physical – (Newsflash: This is not just boys anymore!) Traditionally people have thought of bullying as: punching, kicking, biting, throwing, shoving, or scratching another. Anytime you use physical violence to harm someone then you are bullying. Also, don’t forget that people can be bullying sexually. When one person continually demands sexual contact that the other person does not desire, this is bullying as well and can lead to sexual harassment. Cyberbullying – (Newsflash: this form of bullying is growing at an alarming rate and is becoming the most popular and powerful way to bully.) When the bullying behavior happens via a technological device like a cell phone, smart phone, or computer, it’s called cyberbullying. Rumors, fake social pages, hacking into other people’s accounts, sending false messages, sending threatening messages are all modern forms of cyberbullying. Please read our cyberbullying section to learn more about this form of bullying. Yes! It’s such a huge concern, practically epidemic, that it needs its own space! It, too, is ubiquitous (quick! What does ubiquitous mean?). Now on to the second point mentioned above:
Bullying is a pattern of repeated behavior over time. Haven’t we all hurt someone inadvertently (by accident), or even…, yes, we loathe to admit it, purposefully, at one time or another? We may have forgotten to send the new kid at school an invitation to a party when everyone else in the grade was included, or we may have called a teammate “awful” when he collided with us on the lacrosse field. These are life events that happen but are not purposeful and repetitive in the way that bullying behavior is. If you are being bullied don’t let it turn into repetitive behavior over a long time. Make sure you speak up about it. Now let’s get to that last point (#3): Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength. This is key. Because this is how you can help protect yourself and others from being bullied. People who bully seek out people over whom they believe they have power. Notice it is a belief, not a fact. Why? Because, in the social world, no one person has power over another. (In the work world, for example, bosses do have more power than employees). So try not to give the impression that others have power over you. Be proud of who you are. Develop your sense of self. (Did we just shamelessly plug reading our books? Yes. Yes we did.) POST QUESTION: How do you relate to “power” imbalances? Do you see some kids use their power over others to cause harm?
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander?
WHO IS THE BULLY? VICTIM? BYSTANDER?
Who is the Bully? People who bully come in all shapes and sizes. You can’t necessarily look at a person and know if she is a bully or not. And she’s certainly not going to wear a name tag that says, “Hi. I am A. Bully.” That’s why it’s so important to understand what bullying is and to recognize when it is happening, then you can choose to do something about it (see our next post for tips).
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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How do you know who is going to bully? You don’t. Movies made in the dinosaur age depicted bullies as being bigger, rough looking males who walked around with a posse at their backs. Ha! If only that really did happen today, the problem might be a lot easier to handle. People who bully today are every size, shape, race, popularity and gender. In fact, an increasing number of people who bully are actually people who were bullied themselves! bullied turned bully. Clearly, no easy way to identify a bully exists.
Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
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But we can give you one critical aspect that bullies seem to possess or actually NOT possess. Bullies generally lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to relate to how another person is feeling. empathy: Noun 1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. (www.dictionary.com) Because they lack this critical ability to connect with others (or at least it is not operating fully like it does in most people), bullies can hurt other people without feeling the pain most of us feel when we knowingly hurt someone (that feeling is part of having empathy!). Who is a victim? Again, no one walks around with a sign that says, “HI! I’m A. Victim!” Many people who are bullied feel shamed or embarrassed that they have been bullied and so often they try to hide it. The victims of bullYing can often begin to feel badly about themselves and begin to see themselves as deserving of the bully’s attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one deserves to be bullied.
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People who bully will look for people over whom they believe they have power. Thus, they tend to pick on others who are more shy, or socially http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whoisthebullyvictimbystander/
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Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander?
isolated, such as new kids who may not have found their “group” yet. People who bully also look for teens who are a bit different. In adolescence, many teens are looking to “fit in,” therefore, kids that are “different” often feel insecure and people who bully like to use that against them. But remember, different is not bad, it’s just different. Adults like different. You like different – you didn’t pick your favorite singers, athletes or teachers because they were the most “average” in their fields. Who is a bystander?
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What does it mean to be a bystander? Bystander: Noun a person present but not involved; chance spectator; onlooker. (www.dictionary.com) But in the case of bullying, this isn’t a totally accurate definition. A bystander in relation to bullying is not the primary victim, but still gets hurt and – get ready – is part of the bullying. What? How? But I didn’t….! In today’s world, if you see bullying and don’t do anything to help the victim, you are considered a part of it. If you do nothing, you didn’t create it, but you allowed it to go unchecked and you have become… part of the problem. Being a bystander can be really terrifying. Standing up to a person who bullies, especially if that person is your friend and keeps you protected, can feel like jumping off a cliff. But part of the reason bullying has become such an epidemic (extremely prevalent; widespread – another great vocab word) problem is because people often look the other way when bullying happens, or they think, it’s not my problem. But the truth is, it is. We all create the environment we live in. If you don’t help others, who will help you when you need it? The next three posts will help you figure out how to help yourself whether you are the victim, bully or bystander… POST QUESTION: Have you ever been a victim, the person bullying or a bystander? What does it feel like?
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13 responses to “Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander?” COLLEEN http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whoisthebullyvictimbystander/
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What to do if you are being bullied...
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE BEING BULLIED…
What to do if you are being bullied
1. Set boundaries. This means that you don’t listen to insults, you don’t take calls you don’t want to, you text when you want, you see whom you choose, and you decide what you do and when. Say “no” to unacceptable behavior. A good response to provocative behavior is no response. A person who bullies picks on people who react and show that they are hurt and therefore, vulnerable.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
2. Be honest. A person who bullies will feel he or she has manipulated you when you fall into their lies. Keep your words and actions honest. That way, all the lies and deceptions they create do not enter your world. For instance, if a person trying to bully you tells others that you tripped in the hallway, tell the truth when asked. Lying about it will just let the bully know you are embarrassed and you come off as a liar, not the bully.
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Popular Polls 3. Confront a bully. Don’t let a person who bullies get away with her actions. If you witness a lie from a known “bully,” call him or her on it. He or she will be less likely to try to get away with it (with you for sure) again. This is tricky though because people who bully hate to be called out for their actions and they may try to take it out on you. You are wise to have your friends support you and be with you when you take this action.
When someone is being bullied, how do you feel? nervous uncomfortable scared angry compassion for the victim excited I don't feel anything shameful interested
4. Seek help. Look, these people who bully are no fun. But many trained professionals are available to help you deal with them – teachers, coaches, social workers. Even your parents can help. Find help. Indeed, the people who bully need help as well. One of http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whattodoifyouarebeingbullied/
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the best things you can do is to get a trained professional involved.
5. Maintain eyecontact. The eyes have incredible power. When you look away you are being submissive (showing weakness). Looking away gives the person who bullies the power. If you do look away, make sure it is with confidence, perhaps with a small smile and an eye roll that silently says, “You are so stupid if you think I’m going to be scared of you.”
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6. Keep the power even. As soon as you feel a shift in the power, don’t take it – bring it back to even. Don’t let the conversation go from “Hey, Laura looks great” to “You look horrible.” Keep the power even. Remember in the books when Joe pushed Steve and the power began to shift? Steve brought the power right back to an even playing field as soon as he stood up, looked Joe straight in the eye and came up with an even counterremark.
7. Use humor! When you can laugh at the stupid stuff that a person who bullies says or when you can prove that he or she is not upsetting you at all – not gaining power – then you shut them down. Humor is a great way to achieve this. We have some examples below.
8. Change the focus. This is helpful in all situations. If you are beginning to feel uncomfortable because the conversation has just shifted into awkwardville, look for a new topic or do something that requires a different focus, such as “OMG! Has anyone noticed how the food in the cafeteria has gotten so much better/worse?” OR “Does anyone have extra sweatpants for gym today, I forgot mine?” One strategy is to have a new topic ready to discuss when the old topic feels like it might turn on you.
9. Do not get defensive. Responses like, “But I really like my new shoes,” will only fuel the bully into attacking you more. Dismissive, Icouldcarelessaboutwhatyousaytome responses are much more effective.
Here are some more concrete examples: bully: “Look, it’s ugly braceface!” Victim: (Big smile and eyecontact) “That’s original.” bully: “That’s the ugliest outfit I’ve ever seen….” http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whattodoifyouarebeingbullied/
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Victim: (Eyecontact) “Thanks, picked it out myself” bully: “You look like a total dork.” Victim: (Eyecontact, dismissive) “Yeah, well, whatever.” Post Question: If you have been bullied, how did you handle it?
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15 responses to “What to do if you are being bullied…” WLKHS1204 November 5, 2015 at 1:42 pm I have been bullied before, ive been left out of things. Until i stood up for myself and the jocks started to keep my name out of there mouth because if they didnt there would be a problem
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WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 3:52 pm no and if i did i wouldnt care about the bully
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WMS010526 October 11, 2015 at 4:37 pm http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whattodoifyouarebeingbullied/
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > More techniques to help you deal with a bully
MORE TECHNIQUES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A BULLY
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
More techniques to help you deal with a bully:
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
Don’t react. If you react you are liable to show emotions, and that is just what the person who bullies is hoping for. When you respond calmly and cleverly, you think before you act (this is a concept we discuss and develop in the books). Think about how you are going to deal. Hopefully you already have some strategies and a plan.
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Graph Yourself Don’t walk away as if you have been hurt. You will find some people suggest that the victim tell the bully to stop and then walk away. But when you walk away (especially in a way that seems cowardly) you give the person who bullies what he or she wants: power. If you say “stop saying those things” in a way that sounds like you are whining, then the person who bullies will press on and keep at it. This is a game the person who bullies is bringing you into and one that you’d rather not play.
Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
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Popular Polls When someone is being bullied, how do you feel?
Avoid the person who bullies and the bystanders. This means to literally figure out where they are and don’t be there. It may be a challenge at first but think of it as a game you are playing. And by the way, if you are getting emails and texts and feeling cyber bullied, show it to you parents and even the cops. Meanwhile, don’t engage. How can you avoid the person who bullies? First, do some detective work. Don’t walk the halls where he is. Sit away from her even if that means that you have to privately ask your teacher to move your seat. Some kids we know have had their schedule reworked to avoid the person who is bullying.
http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/moretechniquestohelpyoudealwithabully/
nervous uncomfortable scared angry compassion for the victim excited I don't feel anything shameful interested
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Have some “comebacks” ready. These are the strategies we talked about above. No matter the insult (and by now, you probably know what it is about yourself that they may target), be ready with some disarming tactics to get them off your back. Here are a few good ones:
“That’s fine, say whatever you want.”
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“Okay, if you say so.” “You may be right about that.” “Thank you.” Remember, part of their power comes from anticipating what you will say and loving the idea of being right. When you surprise them by showing no emotion, looking them in the eye (conveying no fear) and by NOT walking away until the power is even again, then they are at a loss. Keep that up a few times and the person who bullies will likely find a new target. (Then go to the new target and give him or her the 411!)
Do not defend yourself in a way that shows you are hurt. This is showing that you are upset – an emotion the person who bullies is looking for! For example, trying to defend a rumor (“That’s not true! How could you say that?!”) or trying to get even with someone (“No, you’re the jerk of the century!”) fuels the fire because the person who bullies lives for it. Don’t give her the power. Remember your character. Keep to the high ground where you can find your character, don’t sink beneath the dirt where the person who bullies’ character lies.
If the covert bullying involves a previously friendly group who are all of a sudden ignoring you or not including you in their “club” then find another group. When you feed into their plan of hurting your feelings, then they have won. When you walk away (but not in an I’vebeenhurtbyyou way) and find other (real) friends, those old “friends” will be out of power and out of your friendship.
Victims need friends. If you have a solid group of friends, the less likely you are to be bullied. Being bullied can be a bit of a downward spiral in the friendship arena: not many people want to hang out with someone who is being bullied because they are afraid of being bullied too and of seeming “unpopular” by hanging out with the kid who doesn’t have many friends. This isolates the victim even more, making the problem worse and giving the person who bullies more power and opportunity to do harm. Don’t support the person who bullies in this way. Try to rise above this mentality: Include people in your group who may be at risk for being bullied.
http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/moretechniquestohelpyoudealwithabully/
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More techniques to help you deal with a bully
Most kids have something about them that a person who bullies will find to ridicule what is your ‘thing’? How are you weak? Are you new at school and dreadfully nervous about it? Are you overweight? What is it about you that someone might pick on? Okay, how do you deal with that thing? Is it such a hot button that if anyone came along and called you ‘fat fanny face’ you would crumble? Or would you say, “Wow. That’s original” and keep staring at them? Look, if you are overweight, you know it. If it bugs you then it will be the trigger every person who bullies pulls on you. Don’t show your triggers. If you have them, unload the bully’s gun. Make your triggers meaningless to her. Sure, you may be upset, but don’t let the person who bullies see that you are upset! Pretend you are on stage and you are going for the Oscar performance of your life, because you are. Fake it. Pretend nothing bothers you. And the person who bullies will most likely back off. But if things get nutty, tell a parent, trusted adult, etc. That information is below.
Gossip is a gross form of covert bullying. Don’t get sucked in. Avoid gossiping about other people. Oh, if only it were so easy, right? After all, you see grownups do it all the time. Don’t continue the trend. Try to notice how often you say nice things about people versus how often you say mean, gossipy things. Think about how you look as a gossip? Does it send the message that you are trustworthy? Kind? Respectful? Not really, right?
If you are the target of the rumor or the gossip, don’t let it get to you. Here is one idea: Answer a question with a question. Someone says, “I heard that you cheat on all of your tests! Do you?” This comment from a gossip gal/guy won’t get anywhere when you ask, “Would you like to know what I heard about you? Or is it better to stop spreading false rumors and gossip? Let’s talk about something else, because generally I like the things you have to say.” (In the eye, straight face, no emotion!)
Here are more…
Gossip and threat: “Gabby says you are loose with the boys and you stare at her boyfriend all the time. You’d better watch out.” Response: “That’s so funny. Who is her boyfriend? I’ve been seeing David for three weeks now. Gabby seems to have her information wrong.” (No emotion, no defense, no cowardice, eye contact!)
Rumor, Gossip: “Did you hear that Stanley likes Michelle but Michelle likes Alec?” Response: “Did Michelle say she got that cool shirt from Free People or Hollister?” (Change the subject before you become known as a gossip girl yourself!) (Yes, we were a bit genderstereotyping because girls actually do gossip much more than boys – but we can’t get into all those reasons here!) http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/moretechniquestohelpyoudealwithabully/
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More techniques to help you deal with a bully
One of the worst feelings is when exclusion happens (another covert form of Bullying). Here are two examples:
*You are walking into the lunchroom with your tray of food and you don’t see anyone you know. As you approach an empty seat at a table everyone at the table moves so you can’t sit there. Although you probably feel horrible, your best bet is to look them right in the eye and say, “Oh thanks, saved me the trouble,” and walk away. They may be left wondering what you meant but you can leave confidently since they won’t have a clue as to whether they bugged you or not. Remember, these kids are making themselves feel better about themselves by leaving someone (you) out. Do you really want to be a part of that? Do you feel good about yourself when you leave someone out?
*You walk into a room and a group of people who were just laughing and talking suddenly turns silent as they stare at you and then turn their backs on you. Just go about your business. Did you walk in the room to chat with them? If so, go right up to them and act as if nothing happened. You’ll know soon enough if you were just being paranoid or if they are not your good friends after all. Post Question: Do you see gossip as bullying? Why do you think people gossip?
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10 responses to “More techniques to help you deal with a bully” WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 4:01 pm yes because there are bad rumors
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What to do if you are the person doing the bullying...
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE PERSON DOING THE BULLYING…
If you are being a Bully and you are reading this page, you may have already taken the biggest step in changing your behavior: ADMITTING that you Bully. That can be a very difficult step for people to take and therefore, most people avoid admitting it. But if you are reading this, maybe it means you’re NOT avoiding it and you want to do something about it. Here’s what you can do:
First, just STOP. Stop. Make the world around you just stop for a moment. Now relax. Take a deep breath. Connect with yourself. Here is a simple quiz that may shock you: On a scale of 110, how easy (10 being easy as cake) is it for you to just be still and connect with yourself – to be real with yourself? Who are you? Thinking about navigating away from this page right now means you are having trouble with this one. And we suspect you might be. People who Bully are avoiding being real with themselves because to do so may cause a lot of pain. Are you having an AH HA moment or are you still unable to be still and just stop?
Talk to adults whom you trust. They can provide the support that you need to help change your behavior.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
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Popular Polls Do you know someone whom you would consider a bully? yes no not sure
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Before you act out and lash out to someone, think how the other person would feel. Imagine yourself in his shoes. This can be difficult for some people. Your Bullying side may say to yourself, No way. I would never be as pathetic as that. We are not asking you to be pathetic, just to think about what it would feel like to be someone else or to say or do the things that YOU do, TO you.
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What to do if you are the person doing the bullying…
(BTW – if that rings a bell in your head, and you think I already know how that feels, my _______ does it to me all the time. Well, you just may have come across a major reason why you Bully that you may want to explore in more detail.)
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Take it stepbystep. Tell yourself that you won’t Bully your target the next time you see her. Stop one act at a time.
Get help for your actions. Look into ways you can control your actions. Notice when you are Bullying. Is there a pattern? In front of your friends? After a fight with your girlfriend? Parents? Before a test? This may help you become more aware of your “danger” situations.
Ask yourself, “Why do I Bully?” “How does it make me feel?” “What do I get from it that drives me to do it? “What might I gain if I stop?”
Read the Your Self Series from the first page to the last. You will learn so much about yourself, improve your anger management, have more insight, make better decisions… and you won’t have time to bully since you’ll be reading and selfimproving!
According to www.stopbullying.gov, people who Bully others: Have a higher risk of abusing alcohol or drugs in adolescence and as adults Are more likely to get into fights and vandalize property Are more likely to drop out of school Are more likely to have criminal convictions as adults Are more likely to be abusive towards their partners and children as adults
DON’T be a part of these trends! Do something now to create a better future for you and all those around you. Post Question: If you have bullied someone in the past, what did it feel like when you did it? How do you feel about it now? What amends did you make or could you make now?
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What to do if you are the bystander
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What to do if you are the bystander
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE BYSTANDER
Being a bystander can feel pretty awful. You may hurt inside when you see someone else getting hurt; you may feel powerless to do something; and/or you may worry that you could be next. Recognize that you are in a tough situation but that you do have options. You CAN help the person being Bullied. When you do this, you help everyone involved: the victim, the Bully (he needs to get help) and your self.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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What you can do if you witness someone getting Bullied: Get help from an adult. Immediately. Do NOT join in the laughter, name calling or teasing. When you do this, you become part of the problem, not the solution. Do not watch a fight or brawl. Don’t be one of the “onlookers” – it only supports the Bully’s actions. Get help.
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Support the victim. Talk with him. Walk with him. Let her know she is not alone. Invite people who get “left out” to join in your group. Don’t let people sit alone or be alone unless they tell you they want to be. DON’T assume that they are fine being alone. Tell the Bully to stop. Speak up against her. Let her know that you don’t agree with her actions. NEVER forward mean texts or visit social websites/pages that spread negativity. Refrain from spreading gossip. Make sure that whatever you are saying ABOUT a person, you would be o.k. saying TO that person. Report all Bullying incidents to school personnel.
Popular Polls If you have been bullied, what did it make you feel the most? scared alone confused angry helpless weak
According to the stopbullying.gov site, people who witness Bullying:
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Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs
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Have increase mental health problems, including depression and anxiety Are more likely to miss or skip school
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When you do something to stand up against Bullying, you help protect yourself from the effects listed above. Do something. Stand up against Bullying. You could save a life. POST QUESTION: Have you ever stood up against a bully to help someone?
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Describe the experience.
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11 responses to “What to do if you are the bystander” WMS010526 October 12, 2015 at 5:01 pm I would stand up for that person and tell an adult about the situation or stand up to the bully.
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WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 4:04 pm no i have never seen it
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Why do people bully?
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > Why do people bully?
WHY DO PEOPLE BULLY?
Nobody is born a Bully. In fact, have you ever heard someone say, “Oh she can’t help it, it’s in her genes”? Well, research has come out showing that even if we have a gene that determines we are going to be aggressive, it does NOT mean that we WILL be aggressive. It only means that we may have a tendency for aggression. We have the power to be whoever we want to be.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
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The great news is that you decide your fate. You make your decisions, and you choose which action best represents who you wish to be. You don’t have to listen to what other people say about your abilities – you decide how great you will be at something. So, why do some people Bully? Many theories exist, but we think that Bullies are hurting inside – really hurting. Think about it. Think about the state of mind it would take to want to be so cruel. We think that state of mind comes from a person who is in a lot of pain himself (or herself!). Yes, some Bullies can seem very confident on the outside. They may appear to have great selfesteem. They may be quite popular. Do you think that ANYONE who feels truly good about himself deep down inside feels the need to be mean to someone else? Bullies may not be conscious of their hurt inside, but it seems the hurt is partly to blame for why someone would knowingly hurt someone else. (The hurt may stem from many, many different factors that we are not going to go into here.) To understand this process of inner pain turned outward, we offer you an example from a real life story included in the book, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. In it, the author tells of Henrietta’s son who has to go live with his Aunt after Henrietta dies. His mother’s death is never discussed with him. He is just sent to live with his aunt who punishes him (most often for silly ridiculous things) by making him stand in the corner of the basement on one leg with his nose touching the wall for hours. If she caught him with both feet touching the ground, the aunt would beat him with a metal rod. Well, can you guess how the boy starts to behave? He starts shooting people with a BB gun from the roof of his house. He starts fighting at school and generally letting his anger explode at every one around him. Everyone started talking about how nasty this boy was, but really this boy had been hurt so severely, that he hurt others. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whydopeoplebully/
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Popular Polls Do you know someone whom you would consider a bully? yes no not sure
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Why do people bully?
Thus a person who Bullies may think: If someone has shown contempt (hatred) for me by treating me horribly, I will show contempt for others by treating others horribly. At least I have power over someone and am not the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak.
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That is why punishment for the Bully only makes the problem worse. It inflicts more hurt on a person already hurting. Instead, Bullies need to learn compassion, empathy and how to mend the pain they feel. Heal the pain. Heal the Bully. This can be quite difficult to achieve. Consequential measures may need to be taken to ensure that the Bullies cannot hurt others, but in all cases, Bullies need to be reached with an understanding that they can be and deserved to be helped. POST QUESTION: What do you think causes a person to bully?
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14 responses to “Why do people bully?” NEVAEH RENEE January 27, 2016 at 2:11 am I think it’s really true that they bully because they have a family related problems.
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WLKHS1120 December 13, 2015 at 3:58 pm People are driven to bully others out of a desire to assert their control over someone who they perceive as being inferior. Often times, there is some kind of internal struggle in the bully which then manifests itself in his/her actions. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whydopeoplebully/
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How to help a person who bullies
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > How to help a person who bullies
HOW TO HELP A PERSON WHO BULLIES
When you see a “notsopopular” person trip, or come out of the bathroom with toilet paper on his heel, or how about a huge booger on her nose, do you say something to help the person out or do you point and laugh? A person with empathy feels the pain that the impending embarrassment would cause and likely will say something polite like, “Are you okay? I totally tripped the other day myself. No big deal.” Or, “Oops, looks like you dragged out a bit more than you intended,” and point to his shoe with a smile. Or, “Um, hate to say this but you have something on your nose you might want to take care of.”
A person with empathy will act in a manner that helps the person, not hurts the person. A person without empathy will likely capitalize on the situation and make fun of the person in an attempt to elevate his own social status or to make herself feel more powerful.
We all have the capacity for empathy, we are born with it, but it needs to be cultivated. A person who Bullies lacks this trait. A person who Bullies may have been raised in a manner that did not activate the natural empathy wiring in the brain. Though many reasons exist for why someone may be hurting, connections throughout the “Bully’s” life were likely poor, nonexistent or harmful. He needs to increase his neural connections for empathy.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
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Popular Polls When someone is being bullied, how do you feel? nervous
So how can you help? You are certainly not meant to rescue a person who Bullies completely, but the more we try to encourage the following characteristics in everyone, the better off we will all be: Increase empathy: Constantly ask the person doing the Bullying, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” Try to squeeze out every drop of emotion possible. How would the person feel? You are looking for a feeling as part of the response, not a defensive reaction. Increase emotional awareness: This is similar to creating empathy – since empathy is an emotion – but many more emotions exist. The more we can become aware of our emotions and then find ways to manage them constructively, the less likely we are to act them out destructively. (The Your http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/howcanwehelpchangeabully/
uncomfortable scared angry compassion for the victim excited I don't feel anything shameful interested
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How to help a person who bullies
Self Series™ of books is all about finding your emotional awareness and managing your self in the process.) Increase frustration tolerance: How much can you take before you snap? Did you know that some people can’t even take a poke in the ribs. Those people have a very low level of frustration tolerance. How about you? Do you have a younger sibling who drives you crazy? What do you do about it? After all, the kid is younger and is looking to you for guidance and support. Take a deep breath, relax, and deal. Sound complicated? Click here for some antistress strategies.
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How’s your anger management workin’ for ya? The ability to manage difficult emotions like anger and rage can lead to a makeit or breakit lifestyle. In other words, people can turn to destructive behaviors, break the law, use drugs, drink alcohol or get into fights, to name a few. Girls often act out their anger in more relational Bullying ways or passive aggressive tactics as well. Here’s the deal: If you are angry, admit it and do something constructive to manage it. Before you decide what it is you are going to do, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and make sure you feel good about your decisions. If your only option seems to do something risky, seek help. One person we know, when faced with a choice, will ask herself, which response comes from fear and which comes from love? She chooses the loving response every time and feels great about it. Post Question: What do you think is the best way to deal with AND help a bully?
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10 responses to “How to help a person who bullies” WMS010526 October 12, 2015 at 9:35 pm I would ask them why they bully and I will try to change them into a nice friendly person. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/howcanwehelpchangeabully/
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Home > My Social World > Bullying
Bullying
BULLYING
Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
Beat it
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
Hey Nicki, why the anxious look on your face?
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Who me? Oh, well I’m just, you know, nothing new, just the same old drama.
Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
What do you mean by “drama.” Is this your word for being bullied?
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Uh, well, I don’t really want to talk about it.
Well, I can empathize with that.
Popular Polls Empa…what?
Do you know someone who has been bullied, besides yourself? yes
Empathize, Taylor. You know when you step outside of your own shoes and stand in someone elses?
no not sure
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Eww… like gross. I would never trade my Divadelicious boots for your smelly sneakers. Not literally, Taylor. When you empathize with another person, you are able to understand what they feel – you see the world from their point of view, and feel something for them. empathy is an amazing weapon against all this “stuff” you guys are talking about. It is what distinguishes a bully from a leader. Ever notice that people who bully are often popular? After all, they have power. Many of them can be very personable to teachers and adults. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/
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Bullying
Sometimes people who bully are even protected by teachers because they are star athletes or lead characters in a play.
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To help prevent bullying and to help you deal with bullying we have created this section. It will include: · What is bullying · Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? · What to do if you are being bullied · What to do if you are the person who does the bullying · What to do if you are the bystander · Why people bully · How to help a person who bullies We also have two Bonus YSS sections: Additional resources and a bullying story for discussion (or just serious contemplation). We also have an entirely different section on Cyberbullying Please check that one out, too. But, because selfawareness is the first step toward selfunderstanding and improvement, please think about the role that the self plays in bullying prevention first. POST QUESTION: What do you think is the #1 reason people bully?
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68 responses to “Bullying” WLKHS1102 December 8, 2015 at 10:09 pm The number one reason people bully is because they feel so terrible inside about some problem they have that they feel the need to take it out on others
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Your SELF and bullying
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > Your SELF and bullying
YOUR SELF AND BULLYING
Read this quote, please:
“Maintaining a strong sense of self and good overall selfesteem is another way to ensure you won’t be a victim of bullying attacks since bullies generally only prey on those they feel are weaker than them.”
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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(source: bullyingstatistics.org)
Yes! Your sense of self is KEY in preventing and dealing with bullies! How is YOUR sense of self?
Um, I don’t think I did too well on that. So, what do I do now?
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Our entire site and book series is ALL about helping you increase your sense of self. So, read on! Get to know who you are, what you stand for. Find your inner voice and shout it to the world. Stand up to the people who bullY in a way that empowers you, not them.
Inner voice? Like a crazy person?
No, Taylor. Chris and Paula are just giving an example. When you feel confident about something you can shout it to the world, really speak up for yourself. Exactly Steve. People who bully have always existed, but these days – perhaps with media influence and the increased pressures kids seem to face – the violence and consequences have become more disturbing. In fact:
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Popular Polls If you have been bullied, what did it make you feel the most? scared alone confused angry helpless weak different
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Revenge for bullying is one of the strongest motivations for school shootings.
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Your SELF and bullying
Helpful efforts are everywhere. In fact, prevention programs work best when people have a strong sense of self and know who they want to be in each and every situation, including when they see someone getting bullied. As Albert Einstein said,
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“The world is a dangerous place. Not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” Read on to get the full story on bullying and how you can do something about it. POST QUESTION: What do you think is the link between people who bully and selfesteem?
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7 responses to “Your SELF and bullying” WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 3:28 pm bullies always feel bad about themselves and take it out on other people.
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WMS010724 October 8, 2015 at 11:36 pm The bullies have low self esteem and they are trying to build their http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/yourselfandbullying/
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What is bullying?
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying is ubiquitous (everywhere – great SAT word). You see it on the news. You hear about it at school and maybe at home. You may have even Googled it and watched videos of people being bullied. But how do you define it exactly? What constitutes bullying and what doesn’t?
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
Here’s a definition we think is useful:
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“A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.” (http://olweus.org/public/bullying.page)
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This definition includes three important components:
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1. Bullying is aggressive behavior that involves unwanted, negative actions. 2. Bullying involves a pattern of behavior repeated over time. 3. Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength. Let’s discuss each point briefly. Point one: Aggressive behavior that is unwanted and negative. Aggressive behavior can take many forms: Social – (Newsflash: the stuff you call “drama” is often the stuff experts are calling “social bullying.” Call it what you want, but recognize it for what it is: WRONG and HURTFUL.) Social bullying includes excluding others, which is covert, but it can also be overt, like ganging up on someone who you look at as an “outsider” or someone who does not fit in. Basically, it’s being mean socially. Subtle putdowns – (Newsflash: the stuff you often follow with “just saying” or “just kidding, can’t you take a joke?” often falls in this category.) Putting people down on a continual basis is a form of bullying. Joking around with your best friend with comments like, “Did you run out of clean clothes this morning?” is fine when the two of you KNOW you are joking because you are so close. But when you do it to “dig” at another person, it is a different http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whatisbullying/
Popular Polls If you have been bullied, was it: cyber physical social (relational) all of the above
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story. If you continually make comments that put other people down, even disguised as a joke, this is bullying. You always need to ask yourself, Am I joking with this person to make a connection with him? Or, Am I joking with this person to make a connection with others? If it’s the latter (others), it’s likely bullying
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Physical – (Newsflash: This is not just boys anymore!) Traditionally people have thought of bullying as: punching, kicking, biting, throwing, shoving, or scratching another. Anytime you use physical violence to harm someone then you are bullying. Also, don’t forget that people can be bullying sexually. When one person continually demands sexual contact that the other person does not desire, this is bullying as well and can lead to sexual harassment. Cyberbullying – (Newsflash: this form of bullying is growing at an alarming rate and is becoming the most popular and powerful way to bully.) When the bullying behavior happens via a technological device like a cell phone, smart phone, or computer, it’s called cyberbullying. Rumors, fake social pages, hacking into other people’s accounts, sending false messages, sending threatening messages are all modern forms of cyberbullying. Please read our cyberbullying section to learn more about this form of bullying. Yes! It’s such a huge concern, practically epidemic, that it needs its own space! It, too, is ubiquitous (quick! What does ubiquitous mean?). Now on to the second point mentioned above:
Bullying is a pattern of repeated behavior over time. Haven’t we all hurt someone inadvertently (by accident), or even…, yes, we loathe to admit it, purposefully, at one time or another? We may have forgotten to send the new kid at school an invitation to a party when everyone else in the grade was included, or we may have called a teammate “awful” when he collided with us on the lacrosse field. These are life events that happen but are not purposeful and repetitive in the way that bullying behavior is. If you are being bullied don’t let it turn into repetitive behavior over a long time. Make sure you speak up about it. Now let’s get to that last point (#3): Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength. This is key. Because this is how you can help protect yourself and others from being bullied. People who bully seek out people over whom they believe they have power. Notice it is a belief, not a fact. Why? Because, in the social world, no one person has power over another. (In the work world, for example, bosses do have more power than employees). So try not to give the impression that others have power over you. Be proud of who you are. Develop your sense of self. (Did we just shamelessly plug reading our books? Yes. Yes we did.) POST QUESTION: How do you relate to “power” imbalances? Do you see some kids use their power over others to cause harm?
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander?
WHO IS THE BULLY? VICTIM? BYSTANDER?
Who is the Bully? People who bully come in all shapes and sizes. You can’t necessarily look at a person and know if she is a bully or not. And she’s certainly not going to wear a name tag that says, “Hi. I am A. Bully.” That’s why it’s so important to understand what bullying is and to recognize when it is happening, then you can choose to do something about it (see our next post for tips).
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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How do you know who is going to bully? You don’t. Movies made in the dinosaur age depicted bullies as being bigger, rough looking males who walked around with a posse at their backs. Ha! If only that really did happen today, the problem might be a lot easier to handle. People who bully today are every size, shape, race, popularity and gender. In fact, an increasing number of people who bully are actually people who were bullied themselves! bullied turned bully. Clearly, no easy way to identify a bully exists.
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But we can give you one critical aspect that bullies seem to possess or actually NOT possess. Bullies generally lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to relate to how another person is feeling. empathy: Noun 1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. (www.dictionary.com) Because they lack this critical ability to connect with others (or at least it is not operating fully like it does in most people), bullies can hurt other people without feeling the pain most of us feel when we knowingly hurt someone (that feeling is part of having empathy!). Who is a victim? Again, no one walks around with a sign that says, “HI! I’m A. Victim!” Many people who are bullied feel shamed or embarrassed that they have been bullied and so often they try to hide it. The victims of bullYing can often begin to feel badly about themselves and begin to see themselves as deserving of the bully’s attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one deserves to be bullied.
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People who bully will look for people over whom they believe they have power. Thus, they tend to pick on others who are more shy, or socially http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whoisthebullyvictimbystander/
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isolated, such as new kids who may not have found their “group” yet. People who bully also look for teens who are a bit different. In adolescence, many teens are looking to “fit in,” therefore, kids that are “different” often feel insecure and people who bully like to use that against them. But remember, different is not bad, it’s just different. Adults like different. You like different – you didn’t pick your favorite singers, athletes or teachers because they were the most “average” in their fields. Who is a bystander?
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What does it mean to be a bystander? Bystander: Noun a person present but not involved; chance spectator; onlooker. (www.dictionary.com) But in the case of bullying, this isn’t a totally accurate definition. A bystander in relation to bullying is not the primary victim, but still gets hurt and – get ready – is part of the bullying. What? How? But I didn’t….! In today’s world, if you see bullying and don’t do anything to help the victim, you are considered a part of it. If you do nothing, you didn’t create it, but you allowed it to go unchecked and you have become… part of the problem. Being a bystander can be really terrifying. Standing up to a person who bullies, especially if that person is your friend and keeps you protected, can feel like jumping off a cliff. But part of the reason bullying has become such an epidemic (extremely prevalent; widespread – another great vocab word) problem is because people often look the other way when bullying happens, or they think, it’s not my problem. But the truth is, it is. We all create the environment we live in. If you don’t help others, who will help you when you need it? The next three posts will help you figure out how to help yourself whether you are the victim, bully or bystander… POST QUESTION: Have you ever been a victim, the person bullying or a bystander? What does it feel like?
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What to do if you are being bullied...
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE BEING BULLIED…
What to do if you are being bullied
1. Set boundaries. This means that you don’t listen to insults, you don’t take calls you don’t want to, you text when you want, you see whom you choose, and you decide what you do and when. Say “no” to unacceptable behavior. A good response to provocative behavior is no response. A person who bullies picks on people who react and show that they are hurt and therefore, vulnerable.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
2. Be honest. A person who bullies will feel he or she has manipulated you when you fall into their lies. Keep your words and actions honest. That way, all the lies and deceptions they create do not enter your world. For instance, if a person trying to bully you tells others that you tripped in the hallway, tell the truth when asked. Lying about it will just let the bully know you are embarrassed and you come off as a liar, not the bully.
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Popular Polls 3. Confront a bully. Don’t let a person who bullies get away with her actions. If you witness a lie from a known “bully,” call him or her on it. He or she will be less likely to try to get away with it (with you for sure) again. This is tricky though because people who bully hate to be called out for their actions and they may try to take it out on you. You are wise to have your friends support you and be with you when you take this action.
When someone is being bullied, how do you feel? nervous uncomfortable scared angry compassion for the victim excited I don't feel anything shameful interested
4. Seek help. Look, these people who bully are no fun. But many trained professionals are available to help you deal with them – teachers, coaches, social workers. Even your parents can help. Find help. Indeed, the people who bully need help as well. One of http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whattodoifyouarebeingbullied/
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the best things you can do is to get a trained professional involved.
5. Maintain eyecontact. The eyes have incredible power. When you look away you are being submissive (showing weakness). Looking away gives the person who bullies the power. If you do look away, make sure it is with confidence, perhaps with a small smile and an eye roll that silently says, “You are so stupid if you think I’m going to be scared of you.”
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6. Keep the power even. As soon as you feel a shift in the power, don’t take it – bring it back to even. Don’t let the conversation go from “Hey, Laura looks great” to “You look horrible.” Keep the power even. Remember in the books when Joe pushed Steve and the power began to shift? Steve brought the power right back to an even playing field as soon as he stood up, looked Joe straight in the eye and came up with an even counterremark.
7. Use humor! When you can laugh at the stupid stuff that a person who bullies says or when you can prove that he or she is not upsetting you at all – not gaining power – then you shut them down. Humor is a great way to achieve this. We have some examples below.
8. Change the focus. This is helpful in all situations. If you are beginning to feel uncomfortable because the conversation has just shifted into awkwardville, look for a new topic or do something that requires a different focus, such as “OMG! Has anyone noticed how the food in the cafeteria has gotten so much better/worse?” OR “Does anyone have extra sweatpants for gym today, I forgot mine?” One strategy is to have a new topic ready to discuss when the old topic feels like it might turn on you.
9. Do not get defensive. Responses like, “But I really like my new shoes,” will only fuel the bully into attacking you more. Dismissive, Icouldcarelessaboutwhatyousaytome responses are much more effective.
Here are some more concrete examples: bully: “Look, it’s ugly braceface!” Victim: (Big smile and eyecontact) “That’s original.” bully: “That’s the ugliest outfit I’ve ever seen….” http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whattodoifyouarebeingbullied/
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Victim: (Eyecontact) “Thanks, picked it out myself” bully: “You look like a total dork.” Victim: (Eyecontact, dismissive) “Yeah, well, whatever.” Post Question: If you have been bullied, how did you handle it?
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15 responses to “What to do if you are being bullied…” WLKHS1204 November 5, 2015 at 1:42 pm I have been bullied before, ive been left out of things. Until i stood up for myself and the jocks started to keep my name out of there mouth because if they didnt there would be a problem
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WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 3:52 pm no and if i did i wouldnt care about the bully
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WMS010526 October 11, 2015 at 4:37 pm http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whattodoifyouarebeingbullied/
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > More techniques to help you deal with a bully
MORE TECHNIQUES TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH A BULLY
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
More techniques to help you deal with a bully:
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
Don’t react. If you react you are liable to show emotions, and that is just what the person who bullies is hoping for. When you respond calmly and cleverly, you think before you act (this is a concept we discuss and develop in the books). Think about how you are going to deal. Hopefully you already have some strategies and a plan.
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Graph Yourself Don’t walk away as if you have been hurt. You will find some people suggest that the victim tell the bully to stop and then walk away. But when you walk away (especially in a way that seems cowardly) you give the person who bullies what he or she wants: power. If you say “stop saying those things” in a way that sounds like you are whining, then the person who bullies will press on and keep at it. This is a game the person who bullies is bringing you into and one that you’d rather not play.
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Popular Polls When someone is being bullied, how do you feel?
Avoid the person who bullies and the bystanders. This means to literally figure out where they are and don’t be there. It may be a challenge at first but think of it as a game you are playing. And by the way, if you are getting emails and texts and feeling cyber bullied, show it to you parents and even the cops. Meanwhile, don’t engage. How can you avoid the person who bullies? First, do some detective work. Don’t walk the halls where he is. Sit away from her even if that means that you have to privately ask your teacher to move your seat. Some kids we know have had their schedule reworked to avoid the person who is bullying.
http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/moretechniquestohelpyoudealwithabully/
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Have some “comebacks” ready. These are the strategies we talked about above. No matter the insult (and by now, you probably know what it is about yourself that they may target), be ready with some disarming tactics to get them off your back. Here are a few good ones:
“That’s fine, say whatever you want.”
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“Okay, if you say so.” “You may be right about that.” “Thank you.” Remember, part of their power comes from anticipating what you will say and loving the idea of being right. When you surprise them by showing no emotion, looking them in the eye (conveying no fear) and by NOT walking away until the power is even again, then they are at a loss. Keep that up a few times and the person who bullies will likely find a new target. (Then go to the new target and give him or her the 411!)
Do not defend yourself in a way that shows you are hurt. This is showing that you are upset – an emotion the person who bullies is looking for! For example, trying to defend a rumor (“That’s not true! How could you say that?!”) or trying to get even with someone (“No, you’re the jerk of the century!”) fuels the fire because the person who bullies lives for it. Don’t give her the power. Remember your character. Keep to the high ground where you can find your character, don’t sink beneath the dirt where the person who bullies’ character lies.
If the covert bullying involves a previously friendly group who are all of a sudden ignoring you or not including you in their “club” then find another group. When you feed into their plan of hurting your feelings, then they have won. When you walk away (but not in an I’vebeenhurtbyyou way) and find other (real) friends, those old “friends” will be out of power and out of your friendship.
Victims need friends. If you have a solid group of friends, the less likely you are to be bullied. Being bullied can be a bit of a downward spiral in the friendship arena: not many people want to hang out with someone who is being bullied because they are afraid of being bullied too and of seeming “unpopular” by hanging out with the kid who doesn’t have many friends. This isolates the victim even more, making the problem worse and giving the person who bullies more power and opportunity to do harm. Don’t support the person who bullies in this way. Try to rise above this mentality: Include people in your group who may be at risk for being bullied.
http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/moretechniquestohelpyoudealwithabully/
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Most kids have something about them that a person who bullies will find to ridicule what is your ‘thing’? How are you weak? Are you new at school and dreadfully nervous about it? Are you overweight? What is it about you that someone might pick on? Okay, how do you deal with that thing? Is it such a hot button that if anyone came along and called you ‘fat fanny face’ you would crumble? Or would you say, “Wow. That’s original” and keep staring at them? Look, if you are overweight, you know it. If it bugs you then it will be the trigger every person who bullies pulls on you. Don’t show your triggers. If you have them, unload the bully’s gun. Make your triggers meaningless to her. Sure, you may be upset, but don’t let the person who bullies see that you are upset! Pretend you are on stage and you are going for the Oscar performance of your life, because you are. Fake it. Pretend nothing bothers you. And the person who bullies will most likely back off. But if things get nutty, tell a parent, trusted adult, etc. That information is below.
Gossip is a gross form of covert bullying. Don’t get sucked in. Avoid gossiping about other people. Oh, if only it were so easy, right? After all, you see grownups do it all the time. Don’t continue the trend. Try to notice how often you say nice things about people versus how often you say mean, gossipy things. Think about how you look as a gossip? Does it send the message that you are trustworthy? Kind? Respectful? Not really, right?
If you are the target of the rumor or the gossip, don’t let it get to you. Here is one idea: Answer a question with a question. Someone says, “I heard that you cheat on all of your tests! Do you?” This comment from a gossip gal/guy won’t get anywhere when you ask, “Would you like to know what I heard about you? Or is it better to stop spreading false rumors and gossip? Let’s talk about something else, because generally I like the things you have to say.” (In the eye, straight face, no emotion!)
Here are more…
Gossip and threat: “Gabby says you are loose with the boys and you stare at her boyfriend all the time. You’d better watch out.” Response: “That’s so funny. Who is her boyfriend? I’ve been seeing David for three weeks now. Gabby seems to have her information wrong.” (No emotion, no defense, no cowardice, eye contact!)
Rumor, Gossip: “Did you hear that Stanley likes Michelle but Michelle likes Alec?” Response: “Did Michelle say she got that cool shirt from Free People or Hollister?” (Change the subject before you become known as a gossip girl yourself!) (Yes, we were a bit genderstereotyping because girls actually do gossip much more than boys – but we can’t get into all those reasons here!) http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/moretechniquestohelpyoudealwithabully/
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One of the worst feelings is when exclusion happens (another covert form of Bullying). Here are two examples:
*You are walking into the lunchroom with your tray of food and you don’t see anyone you know. As you approach an empty seat at a table everyone at the table moves so you can’t sit there. Although you probably feel horrible, your best bet is to look them right in the eye and say, “Oh thanks, saved me the trouble,” and walk away. They may be left wondering what you meant but you can leave confidently since they won’t have a clue as to whether they bugged you or not. Remember, these kids are making themselves feel better about themselves by leaving someone (you) out. Do you really want to be a part of that? Do you feel good about yourself when you leave someone out?
*You walk into a room and a group of people who were just laughing and talking suddenly turns silent as they stare at you and then turn their backs on you. Just go about your business. Did you walk in the room to chat with them? If so, go right up to them and act as if nothing happened. You’ll know soon enough if you were just being paranoid or if they are not your good friends after all. Post Question: Do you see gossip as bullying? Why do you think people gossip?
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10 responses to “More techniques to help you deal with a bully” WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 4:01 pm yes because there are bad rumors
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What to do if you are the person doing the bullying...
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE PERSON DOING THE BULLYING…
If you are being a Bully and you are reading this page, you may have already taken the biggest step in changing your behavior: ADMITTING that you Bully. That can be a very difficult step for people to take and therefore, most people avoid admitting it. But if you are reading this, maybe it means you’re NOT avoiding it and you want to do something about it. Here’s what you can do:
First, just STOP. Stop. Make the world around you just stop for a moment. Now relax. Take a deep breath. Connect with yourself. Here is a simple quiz that may shock you: On a scale of 110, how easy (10 being easy as cake) is it for you to just be still and connect with yourself – to be real with yourself? Who are you? Thinking about navigating away from this page right now means you are having trouble with this one. And we suspect you might be. People who Bully are avoiding being real with themselves because to do so may cause a lot of pain. Are you having an AH HA moment or are you still unable to be still and just stop?
Talk to adults whom you trust. They can provide the support that you need to help change your behavior.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
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Popular Polls Do you know someone whom you would consider a bully? yes no not sure
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Before you act out and lash out to someone, think how the other person would feel. Imagine yourself in his shoes. This can be difficult for some people. Your Bullying side may say to yourself, No way. I would never be as pathetic as that. We are not asking you to be pathetic, just to think about what it would feel like to be someone else or to say or do the things that YOU do, TO you.
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(BTW – if that rings a bell in your head, and you think I already know how that feels, my _______ does it to me all the time. Well, you just may have come across a major reason why you Bully that you may want to explore in more detail.)
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Take it stepbystep. Tell yourself that you won’t Bully your target the next time you see her. Stop one act at a time.
Get help for your actions. Look into ways you can control your actions. Notice when you are Bullying. Is there a pattern? In front of your friends? After a fight with your girlfriend? Parents? Before a test? This may help you become more aware of your “danger” situations.
Ask yourself, “Why do I Bully?” “How does it make me feel?” “What do I get from it that drives me to do it? “What might I gain if I stop?”
Read the Your Self Series from the first page to the last. You will learn so much about yourself, improve your anger management, have more insight, make better decisions… and you won’t have time to bully since you’ll be reading and selfimproving!
According to www.stopbullying.gov, people who Bully others: Have a higher risk of abusing alcohol or drugs in adolescence and as adults Are more likely to get into fights and vandalize property Are more likely to drop out of school Are more likely to have criminal convictions as adults Are more likely to be abusive towards their partners and children as adults
DON’T be a part of these trends! Do something now to create a better future for you and all those around you. Post Question: If you have bullied someone in the past, what did it feel like when you did it? How do you feel about it now? What amends did you make or could you make now?
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > What to do if you are the bystander
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE BYSTANDER
Being a bystander can feel pretty awful. You may hurt inside when you see someone else getting hurt; you may feel powerless to do something; and/or you may worry that you could be next. Recognize that you are in a tough situation but that you do have options. You CAN help the person being Bullied. When you do this, you help everyone involved: the victim, the Bully (he needs to get help) and your self.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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What you can do if you witness someone getting Bullied: Get help from an adult. Immediately. Do NOT join in the laughter, name calling or teasing. When you do this, you become part of the problem, not the solution. Do not watch a fight or brawl. Don’t be one of the “onlookers” – it only supports the Bully’s actions. Get help.
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Support the victim. Talk with him. Walk with him. Let her know she is not alone. Invite people who get “left out” to join in your group. Don’t let people sit alone or be alone unless they tell you they want to be. DON’T assume that they are fine being alone. Tell the Bully to stop. Speak up against her. Let her know that you don’t agree with her actions. NEVER forward mean texts or visit social websites/pages that spread negativity. Refrain from spreading gossip. Make sure that whatever you are saying ABOUT a person, you would be o.k. saying TO that person. Report all Bullying incidents to school personnel.
Popular Polls If you have been bullied, what did it make you feel the most? scared alone confused angry helpless weak
According to the stopbullying.gov site, people who witness Bullying:
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Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs
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Have increase mental health problems, including depression and anxiety Are more likely to miss or skip school
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When you do something to stand up against Bullying, you help protect yourself from the effects listed above. Do something. Stand up against Bullying. You could save a life. POST QUESTION: Have you ever stood up against a bully to help someone?
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Describe the experience.
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11 responses to “What to do if you are the bystander” WMS010526 October 12, 2015 at 5:01 pm I would stand up for that person and tell an adult about the situation or stand up to the bully.
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WMS010719 October 12, 2015 at 4:04 pm no i have never seen it
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > Why do people bully?
WHY DO PEOPLE BULLY?
Nobody is born a Bully. In fact, have you ever heard someone say, “Oh she can’t help it, it’s in her genes”? Well, research has come out showing that even if we have a gene that determines we are going to be aggressive, it does NOT mean that we WILL be aggressive. It only means that we may have a tendency for aggression. We have the power to be whoever we want to be.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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The great news is that you decide your fate. You make your decisions, and you choose which action best represents who you wish to be. You don’t have to listen to what other people say about your abilities – you decide how great you will be at something. So, why do some people Bully? Many theories exist, but we think that Bullies are hurting inside – really hurting. Think about it. Think about the state of mind it would take to want to be so cruel. We think that state of mind comes from a person who is in a lot of pain himself (or herself!). Yes, some Bullies can seem very confident on the outside. They may appear to have great selfesteem. They may be quite popular. Do you think that ANYONE who feels truly good about himself deep down inside feels the need to be mean to someone else? Bullies may not be conscious of their hurt inside, but it seems the hurt is partly to blame for why someone would knowingly hurt someone else. (The hurt may stem from many, many different factors that we are not going to go into here.) To understand this process of inner pain turned outward, we offer you an example from a real life story included in the book, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. In it, the author tells of Henrietta’s son who has to go live with his Aunt after Henrietta dies. His mother’s death is never discussed with him. He is just sent to live with his aunt who punishes him (most often for silly ridiculous things) by making him stand in the corner of the basement on one leg with his nose touching the wall for hours. If she caught him with both feet touching the ground, the aunt would beat him with a metal rod. Well, can you guess how the boy starts to behave? He starts shooting people with a BB gun from the roof of his house. He starts fighting at school and generally letting his anger explode at every one around him. Everyone started talking about how nasty this boy was, but really this boy had been hurt so severely, that he hurt others. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whydopeoplebully/
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Why do people bully?
Thus a person who Bullies may think: If someone has shown contempt (hatred) for me by treating me horribly, I will show contempt for others by treating others horribly. At least I have power over someone and am not the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak.
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That is why punishment for the Bully only makes the problem worse. It inflicts more hurt on a person already hurting. Instead, Bullies need to learn compassion, empathy and how to mend the pain they feel. Heal the pain. Heal the Bully. This can be quite difficult to achieve. Consequential measures may need to be taken to ensure that the Bullies cannot hurt others, but in all cases, Bullies need to be reached with an understanding that they can be and deserved to be helped. POST QUESTION: What do you think causes a person to bully?
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14 responses to “Why do people bully?” NEVAEH RENEE January 27, 2016 at 2:11 am I think it’s really true that they bully because they have a family related problems.
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WLKHS1120 December 13, 2015 at 3:58 pm People are driven to bully others out of a desire to assert their control over someone who they perceive as being inferior. Often times, there is some kind of internal struggle in the bully which then manifests itself in his/her actions. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/whydopeoplebully/
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How to help a person who bullies
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Home > My Social World > Bullying > How to help a person who bullies
HOW TO HELP A PERSON WHO BULLIES
When you see a “notsopopular” person trip, or come out of the bathroom with toilet paper on his heel, or how about a huge booger on her nose, do you say something to help the person out or do you point and laugh? A person with empathy feels the pain that the impending embarrassment would cause and likely will say something polite like, “Are you okay? I totally tripped the other day myself. No big deal.” Or, “Oops, looks like you dragged out a bit more than you intended,” and point to his shoe with a smile. Or, “Um, hate to say this but you have something on your nose you might want to take care of.”
A person with empathy will act in a manner that helps the person, not hurts the person. A person without empathy will likely capitalize on the situation and make fun of the person in an attempt to elevate his own social status or to make herself feel more powerful.
We all have the capacity for empathy, we are born with it, but it needs to be cultivated. A person who Bullies lacks this trait. A person who Bullies may have been raised in a manner that did not activate the natural empathy wiring in the brain. Though many reasons exist for why someone may be hurting, connections throughout the “Bully’s” life were likely poor, nonexistent or harmful. He needs to increase his neural connections for empathy.
Bullying Overview Your SELF and bullying What is bullying? Who is the bully? Victim? Bystander? What to do if you are being bullied… More techniques to help you deal with a bully What to do if you are the person doing the bullying… What to do if you are the bystander Why do people bully? How to help a person who bullies Bonus YSS: Resources Bonus YSS: A story for discussion
What would you do...? What Would U Do: Bullying
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Graph Yourself Graph – Yourself: Bullying behavior
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Popular Polls When someone is being bullied, how do you feel? nervous
So how can you help? You are certainly not meant to rescue a person who Bullies completely, but the more we try to encourage the following characteristics in everyone, the better off we will all be: Increase empathy: Constantly ask the person doing the Bullying, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” Try to squeeze out every drop of emotion possible. How would the person feel? You are looking for a feeling as part of the response, not a defensive reaction. Increase emotional awareness: This is similar to creating empathy – since empathy is an emotion – but many more emotions exist. The more we can become aware of our emotions and then find ways to manage them constructively, the less likely we are to act them out destructively. (The Your http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/howcanwehelpchangeabully/
uncomfortable scared angry compassion for the victim excited I don't feel anything shameful interested
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How to help a person who bullies
Self Series™ of books is all about finding your emotional awareness and managing your self in the process.) Increase frustration tolerance: How much can you take before you snap? Did you know that some people can’t even take a poke in the ribs. Those people have a very low level of frustration tolerance. How about you? Do you have a younger sibling who drives you crazy? What do you do about it? After all, the kid is younger and is looking to you for guidance and support. Take a deep breath, relax, and deal. Sound complicated? Click here for some antistress strategies.
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How’s your anger management workin’ for ya? The ability to manage difficult emotions like anger and rage can lead to a makeit or breakit lifestyle. In other words, people can turn to destructive behaviors, break the law, use drugs, drink alcohol or get into fights, to name a few. Girls often act out their anger in more relational Bullying ways or passive aggressive tactics as well. Here’s the deal: If you are angry, admit it and do something constructive to manage it. Before you decide what it is you are going to do, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and make sure you feel good about your decisions. If your only option seems to do something risky, seek help. One person we know, when faced with a choice, will ask herself, which response comes from fear and which comes from love? She chooses the loving response every time and feels great about it. Post Question: What do you think is the best way to deal with AND help a bully?
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10 responses to “How to help a person who bullies” WMS010526 October 12, 2015 at 9:35 pm I would ask them why they bully and I will try to change them into a nice friendly person. http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/bullying/howcanwehelpchangeabully/
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