Chapter 10 Commitment Kickstarters
Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr. Ultimately, commitment is the reason you are trying out this book. Yes, it’s nice to meet a new, interesting, fun man and make him a part of your life. It’s nice to go on dates and have someone to spend quality time with, but what you’re really after is commitment. A lifetime of love.
It’s important that we first identify what you actually mean by the term ―commitment.‖ I’m assuming that you’re referring to some outward action such as agreeing to be exclusive, moving in together, and especially marriage – which is the ultimate form of commitment. But it’s crucial to keep in mind that true commitment is first and foremost a matter of the heart (one’s feelings), and secondly of the will (making a decision). In other words, when someone feels strong enough positive emotions toward you, they’ll decide that they want to keep you close to them in order for this emotional experience to continue (and even intensify). And the stronger the emotions that they feel, the more passionate they’ll be about staying with you—and the greater the price they will be willing to pay to make this happen. Why Commitment Doesn’t Mean Sacrificing “Freedom”
For men, the ultimate ―price‖ they are willing to pay is giving up their perceived sense of freedom in exchange for a completely committed relationship with you. The irony is that I have plenty of male friends who have told me they feel more ―free,‖ in a sense, AFTER getting married—because their mind is now at ease, and they can focus on other, more meaningful things than trying to pursue sex. For one thing, they no longer have to worry about the stresses of the singles scene. Trying to find a date for next Saturday night…hoping the girl they like will like them back… wondering and worrying if the girl they are dating is ―right‖ for them, and dealing with the pressure of knowing she WANTS a commitment from him, but he isn’t sure whether he’s ready… Once a guy makes the decision to get married and settle down, those pressures melt away. Sure, there will always be new pressures to take their place— raising children, paying a mortgage, etc—but men know just as well as women do that a good marriage, and being able to share your life with someone, gives life a greater and deeper meaning.
Therefore, for a man to go through a major outward step of commitment, such as marrying you, he must first experience a sufficiently great inward desire to be with you for the rest of his life. And he is unlikely to ask you to marry him until he reaches this point. Too many women though make the big mistake of trying to badger their man into some outward step of commitment like marriage, before he has actually taken the necessary inward step (eg. he likes her enough to want to be with her forever). Furthermore, trying to badger a man into commitment is likely to make him feel less committed to you and therefore less likely to actually commit outwardly. This is because badgering behavior is very unattractive – it shows desperation, neediness and insecurity. Finally, I must also mention that a man won’t necessarily take the outward step of commitment as soon as he has gone through the inward one. There will usually be some sort of lag, but it is still a mistake to badger a man at this point, for it could cause him to have a change of heart.
With that said, let’s go through the specific issues as to why a man won’t commit (outwardly). We’ll focus mainly on marriage – which for the majority of women is the goal for the relationship when they meet the man of their dreams. Why Men Are Reluctant To Commit Making the ―big commitment‖ isn’t a singular event. It’s actually made up of lots of smaller commitments, strung together, ultimately leading to and culminating in the lifetime relationship you’re looking for. To do that, you simply start small and build upon it. Every time you get your man to agree to a date, outing, or adventure together, and every time he keeps his commitment to you, you build on the trend. The secret to reading his level of commitment is to make plans together and see if he’s good to his word. The more times he doesn’t let you down, the more times he turns up, ready to enjoy being together, the more certain you can be that he’ll also keep the next date the two of you set.
This is the key to commitment, and it is cumulative. Dates, weekend getaways, family dinners, holidays – all of these are important steps along the way. Every success is a milestone leading to your ultimate goal, getting your man to commit to you and ONLY you for a lifetime. At its root, commitment is really nothing more than people doing what they say they’re going to do—and this is habit forming. The more you do it, the easier it is to do more of it, and for longer and longer periods. The best part is that YOU can control the pace and tempo here. Don’t rush, but also, don’t wait too long to start. All remarkable journeys begin with a single step. Your path to forging a lifetime commitment with your partner begins the exact same way.
It’s important that we first identify what you actually mean by the term ―commitment.‖ I’m assuming that you’re referring to some outward action such as agreeing to be exclusive, moving in together, and especially marriage – which is the ultimate form of commitment. But it’s crucial to keep in mind that true commitment is first and foremost a matter of the heart (one’s feelings), and secondly of the will (making a decision). In other words, when someone feels strong enough positive emotions toward you, they’ll decide that they want to keep you close to them in order for this emotional experience to continue (and even intensify). And the stronger the emotions that they feel, the more passionate they’ll be about staying with you—and the greater the price they will be willing to pay to make this happen. Why Commitment Doesn’t Mean Sacrificing “Freedom”
For men, the ultimate ―price‖ they are willing to pay is giving up their perceived sense of freedom in exchange for a completely committed relationship with you. The irony is that I have plenty of male friends who have told me they feel more ―free,‖ in a sense, AFTER getting married—because their mind is now at ease, and they can focus on other, more meaningful things than trying to pursue sex. For one thing, they no longer have to worry about the stresses of the singles scene. Trying to find a date for next Saturday night…hoping the girl they like will like them back… wondering and worrying if the girl they are dating is ―right‖ for them, and dealing with the pressure of knowing she WANTS a commitment from him, but he isn’t sure whether he’s ready… Once a guy makes the decision to get married and settle down, those pressures melt away. Sure, there will always be new pressures to take their place— raising children, paying a mortgage, etc—but men know just as well as women do that a good marriage, and being able to share your life with someone, gives life a greater and deeper meaning.
Therefore, for a man to go through a major outward step of commitment, such as marrying you, he must first experience a sufficiently great inward desire to be with you for the rest of his life. And he is unlikely to ask you to marry him until he reaches this point. Too many women though make the big mistake of trying to badger their man into some outward step of commitment like marriage, before he has actually taken the necessary inward step (eg. he likes her enough to want to be with her forever). Furthermore, trying to badger a man into commitment is likely to make him feel less committed to you and therefore less likely to actually commit outwardly. This is because badgering behavior is very unattractive – it shows desperation, neediness and insecurity. Finally, I must also mention that a man won’t necessarily take the outward step of commitment as soon as he has gone through the inward one. There will usually be some sort of lag, but it is still a mistake to badger a man at this point, for it could cause him to have a change of heart.
With that said, let’s go through the specific issues as to why a man won’t commit (outwardly). We’ll focus mainly on marriage – which for the majority of women is the goal for the relationship when they meet the man of their dreams. Why Men Are Reluctant To Commit Making the ―big commitment‖ isn’t a singular event. It’s actually made up of lots of smaller commitments, strung together, ultimately leading to and culminating in the lifetime relationship you’re looking for. To do that, you simply start small and build upon it. Every time you get your man to agree to a date, outing, or adventure together, and every time he keeps his commitment to you, you build on the trend. The secret to reading his level of commitment is to make plans together and see if he’s good to his word. The more times he doesn’t let you down, the more times he turns up, ready to enjoy being together, the more certain you can be that he’ll also keep the next date the two of you set.
This is the key to commitment, and it is cumulative. Dates, weekend getaways, family dinners, holidays – all of these are important steps along the way. Every success is a milestone leading to your ultimate goal, getting your man to commit to you and ONLY you for a lifetime. At its root, commitment is really nothing more than people doing what they say they’re going to do—and this is habit forming. The more you do it, the easier it is to do more of it, and for longer and longer periods. The best part is that YOU can control the pace and tempo here. Don’t rush, but also, don’t wait too long to start. All remarkable journeys begin with a single step. Your path to forging a lifetime commitment with your partner begins the exact same way.
