Chapter 3 The Circle of Fulfillment Dr. Dilip Abayasekara, Ph.D. DTM, AS, PIP Find your voice. Find your authentic voice. Make a positive difference in this world, and in serving your world with your authentic voice you will discover true fulfillment. Dr. Dilip Abayasekara is an author, professional speaker, founder of Speaker Services Unlimited, Past International President of Toastmasters International and an immigrant. Dr. Dilip came to the United States from Sri Lanka when he was a teenager to participate in the Experiment in International Living not dreaming that he would never go back to his native Sri Lanka to live again. Jo: I am delighted and honored that you’re here. Dr. Dilip, would you please tell us a little bit about Toast-masters International. What is Toastmasters? Dr: Dilip: Good question, Jo, and I hope that before too long everyone in the world will know what Toastmasters is, but this is my small contribution to spread the word. Toastmasters is a volunteer organization, and the focus is to help men and women develop their communication and leadership skills, which in turn, fosters personal growth and self-confidence. This is what brings people together. We just work by having clubs or chapters which comprise of anywhere from 20 to 40 members. They provide a supportive, positive learning atmosphere, and people use professionally prepared materials, giving speeches, receiving evaluations, and just developing their selfconfidence, which leads to further personal growth. It’s a fun atmosphere that’s created in every club—an atmosphere of mutual respect and support which allows people to overcome the fear that pervades people in North America and probably in many other countries, and that fear is the fear of public speaking. And one of the things that I have found, Jo, is that when people learn to express themselves, they find something of inestimable value within, and they grow from within; and then they find the joy of helping others grow.
So this is the secret of Toastmasters, Toastmasters International, focus, communication, and leadership growth, but actually what happens is personal growth. Jo: Yes, and I could add to that from personal experience. It certainly, certainly was of inestimable value to me. Dr. Dilip: Yes, Jo, I know that, and you served actually as an international director on the Board of Directors of Toastmasters International. In fact, you were one of my role models as I was coming up, and I know that you know firsthand what is involved and the huge impact it can have on people. Jo: But you would never know from where I came because I was terrified when I joined my first Toastmasters club. I had absolutely no confidence that I could communicate effectively and, as you said, people were so encouraging. It was such a wonderful atmosphere that it encouraged me to learn and grow. So thank you for that. What was your role as President? Dr. Dilip: There were several parts to that role. One part was to preside over board meetings where we create policy, discuss strategic growth of the organization, and so forth. The other part was to actually go out and visit districts and meet the people. So I met a wide cross section of Toastmasters. I had the opportunity to give keynote speeches and educational workshops. I visited 11 different Toastmaster districts and, you know, our district comprises of many, many different clubs. It can be as small as 60 clubs and as large as 300 clubs. So I would say about 11 districts with the Toastmasters in Mexico, Canada, Sri Lanka, India, as well as the United States, and got to really connect with them and understand the huge impact our organization is having on the lives of ordinary people—people like you and I who are learning and growing and becoming and discovering the excitement of what it is to live fulfilled lives. Jo: What were your feelings? Your wife accompanied you on these trips did she not? Dr. Dilip: Yes, it’s just a tremendous affirmation that what Toastmasters does to help people grow and become the individuals that they were meant to become; the tremendous affirmation that we are doing something of great value that people are hungry for, and also, just to see regardless of people’s ethnicity or background or religious belief or gender or whatever it is that seems to divide people in the world, that really that which connects us is so much stronger, whether I was in Mexico or India or Sri Lanka or Canada or the USA. Wherever I was and whatever the socioeconomic class of the
people, they wanted this. They wanted this. They were excited about what they were receiving, and they wanted to share it. So this was just a tremendous affirmation that Toastmasters International’s mission is needed in the world, and that we are making wider contributions to individual and collective progress of the human race. Jo: I think that’s so true. While we say our basic mission is to improve communication and leadership skills, by doing that we are enabling people to become more understanding, more open to other people’s ideas, and better citizens of the world, I believe. Dr. Dilip: That’s right, exactly. Jo: You are an immigrant to the United States. Is that correct? Dr. Dilip: Yes, I am. Jo: You are a naturalized American? Dr. Dilip: Yes. Jo: And which country do you come from? Tell us why you came to America. Dr. Dilip: Okay, yes, that’s an interesting story. I came from Sri Lanka. I was born and raised in Sri Lanka, and after high school I had sat for my university entrance exams, and there the system is different. You take one part of the—well, first of all, to get into the university is extremely competitive, and there are several exams here to go through. So I took one part of the exams, and then I had to wait several months to get the results. Then if you pass, you go onto the next portion of the exams. And while I was waiting after taking the first part of the exams, my family was given the opportunity to send one of the children abroad to the U.S.A. on a program called the "Experiment in International Living." The year before my family had hosted an American boy from Brooklyn, New York, and the whole focus of the experimental program is called the "Experiment in International Living" because it’s really not to go to school. It’s to have a cultural exchange and have people of different countries living in the homes of the country that they visit. So, for example, Larry Stamp from New York City lived with my family as if he was a family member. I mean, he was my brother. I was his brother. Yes, and that was—the idea was to foster international understanding and really help people see other cultures through their eyes, and well, we had a wonderful experience with Larry. So the next year one of us was asked to go, and whether we wanted to go. My older sister was in medical school, so she couldn’t go. My oldest brother, well, he could have gone, but he had a very strong, romantic
relationship brewing there. So he didn’t go. Then my other older brother had just started university so he couldn’t go. And suddenly who is the next one in line. There is Dilip. So I said I’d love to go. Of course, there was some monetary sacrifice my parents made. They didn’t know it, but they were launching a new chapter, a brand-new chapter in my life that would change the way I viewed the world forever. I came to the States. I went to Dayton, Ohio—lived with four families—two weeks with each family and I had such a powerful, positive experience there. I really—I just really wanted to go to school here, so I wrote home and asked my parents what they thought. I don’t know what kind of conversations they had, but later my mom told me that was the decision she made because she didn’t really realize that when I came to the states, that would be the last time they would really have me in their home. So they told me to go for it if I could get the right papers. I had to work hard at visiting several immigration centers, and finally, I was able to get the papers I needed. But then I didn’t have much money. So how was I going to fund my education? Then an uncle in Florida kindly invited me to come stay with them. They said they couldn’t pay for my education, but they would provide room and board so that I could attend the community college nearby, saying that wouldn’t cost me very much. So I went to Lakewood, Florida, and started attending Palm Beach Junior College. That again was a revelation, Jo, because when I was in Sri Lanka I had been a mediocre student. I was a C student, but the moment I started classes in the States I found it just fit me. The professors actually expected me to think. The professors expected me to ask questions. And they seemed to like it. Some of that mental engagement just broke through, and I found the joy of learning. Before that, the only reason you went to school was so that you could pass an exam to get to the next grade and the next grade and then go from junior high to high school to university. And everything was an exam. Jo: Yeah, the value of learning was not inculcated in the students at an early age. Dr. Dilip: You got it, exactly. It was always, "Well, you know, you spit out the answers that I expect from you, and you’ll be okay. But you know, don’t go off daydreaming about other stuff." Jo: And certainly don’t ask questions. Dr. Dilip: That’s right. "You are the pupil. I am the teacher. You know I am the lord and master, so you be quiet and listen"—that kind of feeling. Whereas in the States it was like, "Look, education is learning to assimilate facts, be creative in
your mind, and come up with innovative solutions to life’s problems." That was an entirely different way of viewing education, and I just loved it. So I went from the C student to a straight A student. Jo: Great. Dr. Dilip: I just really enjoyed learning, and so from there I went to—I won a scholarship to go to the University of Florida. I worked my way through college, so that’s something I really believe is of inestimable value. Jo: Right, I bet you had a lot to learn coming from a foreign country in addition to the schooling. Dr. Dilip: Well, you know, you say that I had a lot to learn. Can I share something with you about my learning process? Jo: Sure. Dr. Dilip: Before I came to the States, Jo, you know, I had to get ready to adapt to the American culture, so my parents said, "You know, in the States they use silverware. They use a knife and fork and spoon. So why don’t you practice eating with those implements at home?" Now at home, we usually eat with our fingers. That’s the traditional way Sri Lankans eat their food. So I said, 'Yes, yes, I really want to be proficient in this before I go to the States." So, especially dinnertime, you know, I would always use my knife and fork and spoon English style where the English use their spoon more than the fork. So I thought I was ready, came to the states, and I went to Dayton, Ohio. I remember that first breakfast I had. I was at the home of the Cushes, wonderful people, and that morning Mr. Cush had gone to work. There were two girls. The older girl also had gone somewhere for some activity. I was in the kitchen with Mrs. Cush and her six-year-old daughter. So we sat down to have breakfast, and Mrs. Cush tells me, "Oh, a lovely breakfast—all American breakfast." There were eggs and bacon and toast. So, oh, I thought, oh, this is wonderful— started eating, and then I really felt like eating that toast. I looked at Mrs. Cush and her little girl. They weren’t passing their toast, and I started wondering, you know, we don’t eat toast at home. Should I cut it, or is it okay to touch it with my fingers. And this is a big question for this immigrant. Jo: I think some of us have been in that situation before. Dr. Dilip: Yeah. So I thought, well, I will wait a few minutes and see what they do. So I continue to eat the other stuff, and still no one is starting their toast. I really want to eat that toast. So I thought, well, you know, I am not sure what to do, but maybe just to be safe and look more sophisticated, I will cut it. So I clamped it down with
my fork and started cutting it, and the little girl, you know, everything was new to her as she looked at me and said, "Look, Mom. He’s cutting his toast with his fork" and it was so exciting. Immediately, I knew that I had made a big mistake. So I put away my knife and fork and if you could see me blush . . . .