COURTSHIP
COURTSHIP Definition and Explanation
COURTSHIP - DEFINED Courtship is a specific, defined and investigative relationship between a man and a woman in order to discern God’s will for marriage.
COURTSHIP - DEFINED Courtship is a specific, defined and investigative relationship between a man and a woman in order to discern God’s will for marriage. • Specific – for a set time with deliberate purpose • Defined – with known boundaries, limits, and protocols • Investigative – in order to determine God’s will regarding a spouse.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING
Courtship has a specific defined purpose – to inquire and investigate a potential spouse for the purpose of determining God’s will for marriage. Dating has no specific purposes defined. It can be with a view toward a spouse, but not limited to that. Some date for fun, for exploits, for reasons other than marriage. Some problems with no defined or understood purpose are the lack of boundaries, accountability and collective wisdom involved to prevent major mistakes and sins.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship is guarded with set boundaries and rules of engagement. Dating does not necessarily have rules or clearly defined boundaries.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship is covenantal in nature (involves, most often and usually, family and others in society). Dating is individualistic.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship begins objectively (intellectual before feelings). Dating usually begins subjectively (attraction and feelings play a big role up front in the beginning of the relationship, and therefore much more difficult to be objective).
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship is always a means to another end. • a process Dating can be an end unto itself.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship seeks to protect hearts and purity for the honor of God and the future of the marriage. Dating often does not have this as a priority, and is not that deliberate. The culture and methodologies of dating often influences the behavior of those engaged in dating, and no matter how good their intentions, safeguards are minimized and dangers loom in the undeliberate approach.
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Courtship - temporary investigative relationship protecting emotions while seeking knowledge and understanding • At some point in the process, as the relationship progresses, and conclusions about marriage begin to solidify, a corner is turned, and it’s time to move into the next phase of the relationship
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Courtship – con’t • Ideally - a successful courtship is one that ends in marriage with the blessings of parents, family, friends, and church (who are witnesses at the marriage ceremony). • In addition, courtship is successful when the prospective couple concludes the relationship is not the will of God for marriage, and the relationship discontinues while hearts have been protected and purity has been preserved.
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Engagement – is a formal period of commitment established in the couple’s relationship between the proposal and the marriage ceremony. • Due to the formality and commitment, hearts are turned as marriage is clearly in view. • Culturally, the engagement has been accepted as less formal and committed than betrothal and therefore not completely irreversible.
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Betrothal – a more formal state of the relationship which is the beginning of the marriage contract, but where the physical union has not yet been consummated. • Only divorce can break the betrothal relationship, and violation of this relationship is considered adultery • Betrothal has roots in OT Judaism and from there many of the practices emerged
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Marriage – a legally binding covenantal relationship where vows are exchanged, and the union is consummated with the physical union of man and wife
TYPICAL EXAMPLE FROM JUDAISM A “friend of the bridegroom” would negotiate on behalf of the bridegroom and his father with a representative of the bride’s father. •
John 3:29 "He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is fulfilled.
TYPICAL EXAMPLE CON’T Arrangements were made for the bride price (mohar) • The bride price was a figure given by the bridegroom to the bride’s father to compensate for her loss of work in the father’s house. • The bride price varies depending on wealth and other factors • Marrying into royalty could be quite expensive for a prospective suitor
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Example: David with Saul
•
1 Samuel 18:22-25 And Saul commanded his servants, "Communicate with David secretly, and say, 'Look, the king has delight in you, and all his servants love you. Now therefore, become the king's son-in-law.' " So Saul's servants spoke those words in the hearing of David. And David said, "Does it seem to you a light thing to be a king's son-in-law, seeing I am a poor and lightly esteemed man?" And the servants of Saul told him, saying, "In this manner David spoke." Then Saul said, "Thus you shall say to David: 'The king does not desire any dowry [mohar] but one hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to take vengeance on the king's enemies.' “ . . . So when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to become the king's son-in-law.
• The bride-price (sometime referred to as a dowry, but this can be misleading) was kept by the bride’s father in trust in case the wife was ever divorced or widowed. • It became customary that part of the bride-price should form a circlet of coins that were attached to the head-dress. They became a symbol like the wedding ring, and therefore the loss of such a coin would be great cause for anxiety (cf. Luke 15:8-10)
• The dowry (which is different from the bride-price) was a gift bride’s father gave his daughter (cf. Gen 24:59-61; Judges 1:12-15)
THE BETROTHAL • Once the arrangement to marry was entered into, there was a betrothal which was a binding relationship. • The betrothal was typically about a year, though the length of time could vary • During that time, the man obtained the bride-price and made his house ready for the future dwelling of the couple together • And the bride prepared herself for her husband
THE WEDDING • The marriage involved the drawing up of, and the acceptance of, a legal marriage contract • Marriages did not normally involve the religious authorities. Only in later times did the involvement of the priest or rabbi get involved in the ceremony.
THE WEDDING • The wedding also involved dressing up • The groom dressed like a king and the bride like a queen. • This dressing up was so important as part of the ritual that it was unforgettable • Jeremiah 2:32 Can a virgin forget her ornaments, Or a bride her attire? Yet My people have forgotten Me days without number.
THE WEDDING • Another important part of the wedding was the processional at the end of the day • The groom would set out (along with the “friends of the groom”) to get his wife from her parents home, where she was waiting with her bridal attendants • When the groom came for his bride, a torch-lit procession would then parade from her parents home to the couple’s new home with singing and dancing along the way (cf. Matt 25:1-13)
THE WEDDING FEAST • The bride and groom enter under a canopy where they presided over the wedding feast at which a great deal of time was spent eating and drinking • Festivities often lasted over seven days • The guests were there as witnesses to the consummation of the marriage • In marriage of very wealthy families, wedding clothes were supplied by the host to the guests (cf. Matt 22:1-13)
SOME LESSONS LEARNED • There’s not enough consistency in the weddings of the Bible to make a formula for courtship or the marriage itself • But we can learn from their traditions and practices
LESSONS TO LEARN • Marriage is a covenant between a man and woman • The covenant is for life, and therefore the process of obtaining a spouse is of great importance • That process requires maturity on the part of the young couple, maturity that will pay off for them in their newly established union together. • Maturity in the waiting and preparing process • Maturity in working to obtain the bride-price • Maturity to follow the traditional and cultural protocols of family and the religious community (honor and respect)
LESSONS TO LEARN • Bride-price – the young lady worked in her father’s household and was valuable to him. • This is the realm (i.e. father’s household) and design (i.e. to be industrious for her father) of daughters until they are married • – i.e. they are to be their fathers helpers in his household • Not career-minded, nor doing her own thing • That “value” will be transferred right into her husband’s home as she has already learned the traits of being his helpmeet
LESSONS TO LEARN • Marriage was a big deal • It involved not only the couple and their families, but friends and their immediate society • It was a festive occasion • Symbols have always been an important part of the ceremony and marriage process
LESSONS TO LEARN • The process of courtship itself, not only works to honorably find a spouse, but also is profitable in preparing a couple for their new union together • There will be lessons learned in the process • A more specific time of discipleship of the young couple as they prepare for their new roles • Since marriage is a covenant, the covenantal process (i.e. courtship) is more conducive for their preparation than an individualistic approach (i.e. dating)
LESSONS TO LEARN • The marriage process, relationship, ceremony, and feast - all reveal great truths of Christ and His Church. • We should strive to show these truths in how we go through the process of courtship, marriage ceremonies, and the feasting that accompanies it all.
LESSONS TO LEARN • In the end, it is all about Christ • Even the process to marriage is important, as well as its attendant circumstances.
COURTSHIP - DEFINED Courtship is a specific, defined and investigative relationship between a man and a woman in order to discern God’s will for marriage.
COURTSHIP - DEFINED Courtship is a specific, defined and investigative relationship between a man and a woman in order to discern God’s will for marriage. • Specific – for a set time with deliberate purpose • Defined – with known boundaries, limits, and protocols • Investigative – in order to determine God’s will regarding a spouse.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING
Courtship has a specific defined purpose – to inquire and investigate a potential spouse for the purpose of determining God’s will for marriage. Dating has no specific purposes defined. It can be with a view toward a spouse, but not limited to that. Some date for fun, for exploits, for reasons other than marriage. Some problems with no defined or understood purpose are the lack of boundaries, accountability and collective wisdom involved to prevent major mistakes and sins.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship is guarded with set boundaries and rules of engagement. Dating does not necessarily have rules or clearly defined boundaries.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship is covenantal in nature (involves, most often and usually, family and others in society). Dating is individualistic.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship begins objectively (intellectual before feelings). Dating usually begins subjectively (attraction and feelings play a big role up front in the beginning of the relationship, and therefore much more difficult to be objective).
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship is always a means to another end. • a process Dating can be an end unto itself.
COURTSHIP VS. DATING Courtship seeks to protect hearts and purity for the honor of God and the future of the marriage. Dating often does not have this as a priority, and is not that deliberate. The culture and methodologies of dating often influences the behavior of those engaged in dating, and no matter how good their intentions, safeguards are minimized and dangers loom in the undeliberate approach.
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Courtship - temporary investigative relationship protecting emotions while seeking knowledge and understanding • At some point in the process, as the relationship progresses, and conclusions about marriage begin to solidify, a corner is turned, and it’s time to move into the next phase of the relationship
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Courtship – con’t • Ideally - a successful courtship is one that ends in marriage with the blessings of parents, family, friends, and church (who are witnesses at the marriage ceremony). • In addition, courtship is successful when the prospective couple concludes the relationship is not the will of God for marriage, and the relationship discontinues while hearts have been protected and purity has been preserved.
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Engagement – is a formal period of commitment established in the couple’s relationship between the proposal and the marriage ceremony. • Due to the formality and commitment, hearts are turned as marriage is clearly in view. • Culturally, the engagement has been accepted as less formal and committed than betrothal and therefore not completely irreversible.
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Betrothal – a more formal state of the relationship which is the beginning of the marriage contract, but where the physical union has not yet been consummated. • Only divorce can break the betrothal relationship, and violation of this relationship is considered adultery • Betrothal has roots in OT Judaism and from there many of the practices emerged
PHASES OF RELATIONSHIP Marriage – a legally binding covenantal relationship where vows are exchanged, and the union is consummated with the physical union of man and wife
TYPICAL EXAMPLE FROM JUDAISM A “friend of the bridegroom” would negotiate on behalf of the bridegroom and his father with a representative of the bride’s father. •
John 3:29 "He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is fulfilled.
TYPICAL EXAMPLE CON’T Arrangements were made for the bride price (mohar) • The bride price was a figure given by the bridegroom to the bride’s father to compensate for her loss of work in the father’s house. • The bride price varies depending on wealth and other factors • Marrying into royalty could be quite expensive for a prospective suitor
•
Example: David with Saul
•
1 Samuel 18:22-25 And Saul commanded his servants, "Communicate with David secretly, and say, 'Look, the king has delight in you, and all his servants love you. Now therefore, become the king's son-in-law.' " So Saul's servants spoke those words in the hearing of David. And David said, "Does it seem to you a light thing to be a king's son-in-law, seeing I am a poor and lightly esteemed man?" And the servants of Saul told him, saying, "In this manner David spoke." Then Saul said, "Thus you shall say to David: 'The king does not desire any dowry [mohar] but one hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to take vengeance on the king's enemies.' “ . . . So when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to become the king's son-in-law.
• The bride-price (sometime referred to as a dowry, but this can be misleading) was kept by the bride’s father in trust in case the wife was ever divorced or widowed. • It became customary that part of the bride-price should form a circlet of coins that were attached to the head-dress. They became a symbol like the wedding ring, and therefore the loss of such a coin would be great cause for anxiety (cf. Luke 15:8-10)
• The dowry (which is different from the bride-price) was a gift bride’s father gave his daughter (cf. Gen 24:59-61; Judges 1:12-15)
THE BETROTHAL • Once the arrangement to marry was entered into, there was a betrothal which was a binding relationship. • The betrothal was typically about a year, though the length of time could vary • During that time, the man obtained the bride-price and made his house ready for the future dwelling of the couple together • And the bride prepared herself for her husband
THE WEDDING • The marriage involved the drawing up of, and the acceptance of, a legal marriage contract • Marriages did not normally involve the religious authorities. Only in later times did the involvement of the priest or rabbi get involved in the ceremony.
THE WEDDING • The wedding also involved dressing up • The groom dressed like a king and the bride like a queen. • This dressing up was so important as part of the ritual that it was unforgettable • Jeremiah 2:32 Can a virgin forget her ornaments, Or a bride her attire? Yet My people have forgotten Me days without number.
THE WEDDING • Another important part of the wedding was the processional at the end of the day • The groom would set out (along with the “friends of the groom”) to get his wife from her parents home, where she was waiting with her bridal attendants • When the groom came for his bride, a torch-lit procession would then parade from her parents home to the couple’s new home with singing and dancing along the way (cf. Matt 25:1-13)
THE WEDDING FEAST • The bride and groom enter under a canopy where they presided over the wedding feast at which a great deal of time was spent eating and drinking • Festivities often lasted over seven days • The guests were there as witnesses to the consummation of the marriage • In marriage of very wealthy families, wedding clothes were supplied by the host to the guests (cf. Matt 22:1-13)
SOME LESSONS LEARNED • There’s not enough consistency in the weddings of the Bible to make a formula for courtship or the marriage itself • But we can learn from their traditions and practices
LESSONS TO LEARN • Marriage is a covenant between a man and woman • The covenant is for life, and therefore the process of obtaining a spouse is of great importance • That process requires maturity on the part of the young couple, maturity that will pay off for them in their newly established union together. • Maturity in the waiting and preparing process • Maturity in working to obtain the bride-price • Maturity to follow the traditional and cultural protocols of family and the religious community (honor and respect)
LESSONS TO LEARN • Bride-price – the young lady worked in her father’s household and was valuable to him. • This is the realm (i.e. father’s household) and design (i.e. to be industrious for her father) of daughters until they are married • – i.e. they are to be their fathers helpers in his household • Not career-minded, nor doing her own thing • That “value” will be transferred right into her husband’s home as she has already learned the traits of being his helpmeet
LESSONS TO LEARN • Marriage was a big deal • It involved not only the couple and their families, but friends and their immediate society • It was a festive occasion • Symbols have always been an important part of the ceremony and marriage process
LESSONS TO LEARN • The process of courtship itself, not only works to honorably find a spouse, but also is profitable in preparing a couple for their new union together • There will be lessons learned in the process • A more specific time of discipleship of the young couple as they prepare for their new roles • Since marriage is a covenant, the covenantal process (i.e. courtship) is more conducive for their preparation than an individualistic approach (i.e. dating)
LESSONS TO LEARN • The marriage process, relationship, ceremony, and feast - all reveal great truths of Christ and His Church. • We should strive to show these truths in how we go through the process of courtship, marriage ceremonies, and the feasting that accompanies it all.
LESSONS TO LEARN • In the end, it is all about Christ • Even the process to marriage is important, as well as its attendant circumstances.
