Cupid Commitment
There are two major problems that are infecting the dating world of women right now: Problem #1: You have been seeing one another for a while (maybe even more than awhile), and he just won't settle down and commit to you. As far as you know, things are going well. He seems to like you, maybe even love you, but there is just no drive on his part to make it more than a casual hookup.
Problem #2: He has committed to the relationship and has no interest in seeking anyone else out. You are living together, or close to it. But he just doesn't want to take the final leap and make it official, and has been resistant to the idea of marriage in spite of being adamant about his dedication to you.
Why Is He Doing This?! In the case of the first scenario, it is a matter of tying himself down. He might be a commitmentphobe, or just doesn't yet see you as the woman he will spend his life with. Yeah, it sounds harsh, but some men are like that. As for problem two, it is more a rejection of social norms, and possibly a fear of all the risks involved with signing a legal marriage document. A terror felt even more strongly by those who have been married before, and saw that relationship fall to pieces. Even the most amicable of divorces can be messy.
Before We Get Started, Ask Yourself: Do I Want Him To Commit?
First of all, you have to answer this rather difficult question: do you even want him to commit? When we put a lot of time and energy into a relationship, it can be easy to get obsessed about it moving to the next natural level. The problem is that sometimes the desire to be exclusive, get married or have kids can cloud our judgment about the partner we are trying to do it with.
There are women who will spend years with someone who is completely unwilling to treat them the way they want, but they still spend more time pushing the man to give them a ring. What's the point of that? If he is especially reluctant, or refuses to respect you by not offering any security in your relationship, you might be better off ending things before you waste any more time. Of course, this isn't always the case. Which is why the question is so crucial, and the answer needs to be honest. Why are you wanting him to commit in the first place? Make sure it is for the right reasons before going any further. If you have asked yourself the question, and the answer is still 'yes', then you should know what you will get out of reading this....
What This Guide WON'T Give You Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just find out that one magic trick that would make him latch on for keeps? Plenty of sources claim to have it, to be able to totally eliminate any barriers in one fell swoop. But those people are lying, there is no single trap to set that is going to force him to love you forever. If you think about it, do you really want there to be? Isn't it better that he comes to the conclusion on his own, and so commits out of a love and genuine need to have you in his life?
Alright, so there is no single trick that is going to bring you relationship bliss. But there is a process of multiple steps you can use, and it is highly effective. Keep in mind that the order of these steps isn't important, just the inclusion of all of them.
Getting Him To Commit – What To Do To Make Him Yours For Good
1 - Keep The Excitement Alive Now it is time to regain some of that spark that you've lost. Let's face it, things have probably cooled down, and that's normal. For most couples, the foundation built during the dating stage is enough to get them past that obstacle. But if he hasn't yet settled down with you, the comfortable stage can be more like the boring stage.
You don't have to do anything crazy. It's just about reconnecting and having fun again. This could be both in and out of the bedroom. Sit down with him and ask what he wants to do that could be enjoyable for your both. Surprise him every once in a while with a spontaneous date, or an erotic adventure. Break through the rut and rediscover what brought you two together in the first place.
2 - Get Along With His Loved Ones Do you hate his friends? His mother? Not a good way to start out. The people he loves are always going to be a major part of his life. If you don't fit in with them, or at least make an effort with them, you are not going to seem like a good woman to build that life with.
Especially if you have made the dire mistake of attempting to keep him from interacting with them, like stopping him from hanging out with his buddies sometimes, or going to family functions. Or if you have refused to accompany him when he has invited you.
If you have failed in this in the past, it isn't too late. Just try to relax around these people, be civil, engage them in conversation. Apologize for past offenses, and let your guy know that you realize you had been unfair and want to make up for it. Try to explain to him the insecurity that caused it, and that you are working on it. He will appreciate the effort, and the willingness to understand your part in the problem.
For those who haven't burned bridges, but just haven't really gotten to know his friends or family, start making an effort to. If they love you, he is much more likely to see a future with you.
3 - Work On Your Sex Life Even if your sex life is good, it can always be better. Not only for his enjoyment, but your own. A varied, adventurous and satisfying sex life can build intimacy, bring you closer, lessen stress and strengthen your relationship. All of which are important parts of building that necessary foundation for a commitment.
Plus, let's be honest here: a guy is much more likely to go gaga over a girl who is crazy in bed. While you shouldn't base a relationship on sex, or use it as a weapon, don't fool yourself into thinking it isn't important. For most men, it is a very crucial element to their connection with their partner, and it is one of the basic needs that they require to be intimate. Would you accept him completely dismissing something that you felt was important to your happiness? 4 - Be Open About What You're Looking For If you don't want a friend with benefits, don't accept an offer to be one. And don't be surprised if the guy you make that arrangement with only sees you as someone to mess around with. What did you expect? One of the biggest mistakes women make is not being upfront or honest in the beginning about what they are looking for, and want to get out of a relationship. If there is any chance that you want something more, never accept less.
For those who went into relationships just not discussing it, that isn't unusual. But now is the time to sit down and speak to your man about what you're looking for, and where you hope things will begin to go. Don't pressure him, don't blame him for not reaching the same conclusion. Just remain calm and direct, and let him know how you feel. How else is he supposed to know? You may find he feels the same, but didn't know you had been thinking that way to begin with. Men can't read minds.
5 - Never Give Him An Ultimatum
This is a big one, and a rule that is broken a lot. For several years sources like women's magazine have been instructing women to lay down a hard line: it's my way or the highway. Some even say you should set a date that they can give you a marriage proposal by, or you will end the relationship altogether. It is effectively emotionally blackmailing him into doing what you want.
How anyone can justify this sort of behavior is hard to say. If the tables were turned, the woman in question would be identifying it as what it really is, abuse. You can't manipulate someone into giving into your every whim. The man you are with is under no obligation to commit to you. He has to want to, and an ultimatum is taking away that choice and making it a necessity if he wants to keep you. Which, quite frankly, if you've
made this move he probably doesn't.
There is no elegant way to get past this damaging tactic. Your best bet is to never make the mistake of doing it in the first place. If you have, or if you've considered it, you may want to take it as a sign that the relationship you're trying to build isn't strong enough to remain standing.
6 - Start With “Tester” Commitments Your guy might not be anti-commitment, he might just be a little gun shy or nervous about taking such a leap. Why not try some smaller responsibilities first to see how you guys cope? After all, if you can't handle little commitments, there is no chance of you two making it work for the big ones. Anyone who is considering a big life change with a partner, in any category, should take a couple baby steps first.
What kind of steps are available? That is between the two of you, and it should be discussed before you begin. Make sure he is on board before you make any decisions, and that he knows why you're asking. Don't try and trick him as a way of proving that he is ready for something serious with you. That won't do anything but hurt his trust.
A couple of things you two can try to test the waters are:
Taking a trip together. Not only is a holiday, even a small one, a lot of fun, but it forces you both into close quarters. It also adds a certain amount of stress during the planning and travel portion of the vacation.
Saving for some kind of event or item. Money is one of the most common fights among couples, and also a big reason why some men refuse to make a relationship more serious. Try opening an account such as an online wallet, and start saving up for something you both want. Show that you are both responsible, can work together, and put in an equal amount of effort to reach your goals.
Get a pet, one that is shared between the two of you. If you live apart, set a schedule for what days the animal will sleep at your place, and split the costs of their care. Spend plenty of time doing stuff together, like going on walks, to a dog park, and go together to the vet appointments. Its a decent precursor for children, showing you how each views their part in the pet's life.
Move in together. Thinking marriage? One of the best things you can do is live together, first. Getting married is a huge step, and comes with its own strains. You don't want to put more pressure on your relationship so early on by also adding in the annoyances of getting used to sharing a dwelling. If marriage isn't on the agenda, but you still want to try living together, make it a temporary move. Set an amount of time to reconsider your living arrangements, so you can both be honest about how well things are going before taking the next step.
7 - Respect Him and His Reservations
Don't fall into the trap of minimizing his feelings on this matter. You might feel ready to jump into a commitment, but he might just not be there yet. It isn't a reflection on you, or what feelings he may or may not have. He could very well be in love, or like you a lot and want to see what happens. The problem is that not everyone develops in the same way, or has the same priorities at the same time. Trying to force him to change his timetable won't do anything to improve the situation, or make him more prepared.
Keep communication open, and if he expresses worries or reservations, ask him to explain. Don't get angry by what he has to say, just take it in stride and try to look at it from his perspective. Just asking him why he is holding back can be very illuminating, even if the answer hurts. At the very least, it will guide you in what to do next. If his answer is that he just doesn't see you as a permanent part of his life, it is time to move on. Sticking around and hoping someone will change their mind, personality or desires won't be constructive, and will only hurt you.
If his answer is that he just doesn't feel ready yet, but that he may in time, then decide if you want to wait for that possibility when it isn't certain. Take into account how long you have been together, what you hope to achieve in the future, and the health of your relationship. Don't rely on love alone to make the decision, because whatever you have been told, love isn't enough to sustain you.
If his answer is that he is ready except for a couple of issues that have him concerned, talk through those issues. Do what you can to work them out, or make changes in your lives to get around them. Ask him what it would take to possibly ease his mind. Remain rational and supportive, and try to react in the same constructive manner you hope he would with you.
Conclusion Kindness, respect, fun, love, passion, attraction, emotional support, excitement, lust...these are all parts of the whole that make up a good relationship in the long term. They are also the parts you need to show a man before he will consider committing, and what he should be showing you before you seek that commitment in the first place.
If you have not been finding these traits, and your partner is unwilling to begin providing them in the same way you are to make it work, then seeking something more serious isn't in your best interests. Remember that a couple is only as strong as the work they put in to grow together. If he is especially resistant to the idea, it might be time for you to accept defeat. There are plenty of men out there who want the same
thing you do. Don't settle for something less than you deserve.
But if the problem is just that you guys haven't been connecting, the steps above are going to get you there.
Problem #2: He has committed to the relationship and has no interest in seeking anyone else out. You are living together, or close to it. But he just doesn't want to take the final leap and make it official, and has been resistant to the idea of marriage in spite of being adamant about his dedication to you.
Why Is He Doing This?! In the case of the first scenario, it is a matter of tying himself down. He might be a commitmentphobe, or just doesn't yet see you as the woman he will spend his life with. Yeah, it sounds harsh, but some men are like that. As for problem two, it is more a rejection of social norms, and possibly a fear of all the risks involved with signing a legal marriage document. A terror felt even more strongly by those who have been married before, and saw that relationship fall to pieces. Even the most amicable of divorces can be messy.
Before We Get Started, Ask Yourself: Do I Want Him To Commit?
First of all, you have to answer this rather difficult question: do you even want him to commit? When we put a lot of time and energy into a relationship, it can be easy to get obsessed about it moving to the next natural level. The problem is that sometimes the desire to be exclusive, get married or have kids can cloud our judgment about the partner we are trying to do it with.
There are women who will spend years with someone who is completely unwilling to treat them the way they want, but they still spend more time pushing the man to give them a ring. What's the point of that? If he is especially reluctant, or refuses to respect you by not offering any security in your relationship, you might be better off ending things before you waste any more time. Of course, this isn't always the case. Which is why the question is so crucial, and the answer needs to be honest. Why are you wanting him to commit in the first place? Make sure it is for the right reasons before going any further. If you have asked yourself the question, and the answer is still 'yes', then you should know what you will get out of reading this....
What This Guide WON'T Give You Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just find out that one magic trick that would make him latch on for keeps? Plenty of sources claim to have it, to be able to totally eliminate any barriers in one fell swoop. But those people are lying, there is no single trap to set that is going to force him to love you forever. If you think about it, do you really want there to be? Isn't it better that he comes to the conclusion on his own, and so commits out of a love and genuine need to have you in his life?
Alright, so there is no single trick that is going to bring you relationship bliss. But there is a process of multiple steps you can use, and it is highly effective. Keep in mind that the order of these steps isn't important, just the inclusion of all of them.
Getting Him To Commit – What To Do To Make Him Yours For Good
1 - Keep The Excitement Alive Now it is time to regain some of that spark that you've lost. Let's face it, things have probably cooled down, and that's normal. For most couples, the foundation built during the dating stage is enough to get them past that obstacle. But if he hasn't yet settled down with you, the comfortable stage can be more like the boring stage.
You don't have to do anything crazy. It's just about reconnecting and having fun again. This could be both in and out of the bedroom. Sit down with him and ask what he wants to do that could be enjoyable for your both. Surprise him every once in a while with a spontaneous date, or an erotic adventure. Break through the rut and rediscover what brought you two together in the first place.
2 - Get Along With His Loved Ones Do you hate his friends? His mother? Not a good way to start out. The people he loves are always going to be a major part of his life. If you don't fit in with them, or at least make an effort with them, you are not going to seem like a good woman to build that life with.
Especially if you have made the dire mistake of attempting to keep him from interacting with them, like stopping him from hanging out with his buddies sometimes, or going to family functions. Or if you have refused to accompany him when he has invited you.
If you have failed in this in the past, it isn't too late. Just try to relax around these people, be civil, engage them in conversation. Apologize for past offenses, and let your guy know that you realize you had been unfair and want to make up for it. Try to explain to him the insecurity that caused it, and that you are working on it. He will appreciate the effort, and the willingness to understand your part in the problem.
For those who haven't burned bridges, but just haven't really gotten to know his friends or family, start making an effort to. If they love you, he is much more likely to see a future with you.
3 - Work On Your Sex Life Even if your sex life is good, it can always be better. Not only for his enjoyment, but your own. A varied, adventurous and satisfying sex life can build intimacy, bring you closer, lessen stress and strengthen your relationship. All of which are important parts of building that necessary foundation for a commitment.
Plus, let's be honest here: a guy is much more likely to go gaga over a girl who is crazy in bed. While you shouldn't base a relationship on sex, or use it as a weapon, don't fool yourself into thinking it isn't important. For most men, it is a very crucial element to their connection with their partner, and it is one of the basic needs that they require to be intimate. Would you accept him completely dismissing something that you felt was important to your happiness? 4 - Be Open About What You're Looking For If you don't want a friend with benefits, don't accept an offer to be one. And don't be surprised if the guy you make that arrangement with only sees you as someone to mess around with. What did you expect? One of the biggest mistakes women make is not being upfront or honest in the beginning about what they are looking for, and want to get out of a relationship. If there is any chance that you want something more, never accept less.
For those who went into relationships just not discussing it, that isn't unusual. But now is the time to sit down and speak to your man about what you're looking for, and where you hope things will begin to go. Don't pressure him, don't blame him for not reaching the same conclusion. Just remain calm and direct, and let him know how you feel. How else is he supposed to know? You may find he feels the same, but didn't know you had been thinking that way to begin with. Men can't read minds.
5 - Never Give Him An Ultimatum
This is a big one, and a rule that is broken a lot. For several years sources like women's magazine have been instructing women to lay down a hard line: it's my way or the highway. Some even say you should set a date that they can give you a marriage proposal by, or you will end the relationship altogether. It is effectively emotionally blackmailing him into doing what you want.
How anyone can justify this sort of behavior is hard to say. If the tables were turned, the woman in question would be identifying it as what it really is, abuse. You can't manipulate someone into giving into your every whim. The man you are with is under no obligation to commit to you. He has to want to, and an ultimatum is taking away that choice and making it a necessity if he wants to keep you. Which, quite frankly, if you've
made this move he probably doesn't.
There is no elegant way to get past this damaging tactic. Your best bet is to never make the mistake of doing it in the first place. If you have, or if you've considered it, you may want to take it as a sign that the relationship you're trying to build isn't strong enough to remain standing.
6 - Start With “Tester” Commitments Your guy might not be anti-commitment, he might just be a little gun shy or nervous about taking such a leap. Why not try some smaller responsibilities first to see how you guys cope? After all, if you can't handle little commitments, there is no chance of you two making it work for the big ones. Anyone who is considering a big life change with a partner, in any category, should take a couple baby steps first.
What kind of steps are available? That is between the two of you, and it should be discussed before you begin. Make sure he is on board before you make any decisions, and that he knows why you're asking. Don't try and trick him as a way of proving that he is ready for something serious with you. That won't do anything but hurt his trust.
A couple of things you two can try to test the waters are:
Taking a trip together. Not only is a holiday, even a small one, a lot of fun, but it forces you both into close quarters. It also adds a certain amount of stress during the planning and travel portion of the vacation.
Saving for some kind of event or item. Money is one of the most common fights among couples, and also a big reason why some men refuse to make a relationship more serious. Try opening an account such as an online wallet, and start saving up for something you both want. Show that you are both responsible, can work together, and put in an equal amount of effort to reach your goals.
Get a pet, one that is shared between the two of you. If you live apart, set a schedule for what days the animal will sleep at your place, and split the costs of their care. Spend plenty of time doing stuff together, like going on walks, to a dog park, and go together to the vet appointments. Its a decent precursor for children, showing you how each views their part in the pet's life.
Move in together. Thinking marriage? One of the best things you can do is live together, first. Getting married is a huge step, and comes with its own strains. You don't want to put more pressure on your relationship so early on by also adding in the annoyances of getting used to sharing a dwelling. If marriage isn't on the agenda, but you still want to try living together, make it a temporary move. Set an amount of time to reconsider your living arrangements, so you can both be honest about how well things are going before taking the next step.
7 - Respect Him and His Reservations
Don't fall into the trap of minimizing his feelings on this matter. You might feel ready to jump into a commitment, but he might just not be there yet. It isn't a reflection on you, or what feelings he may or may not have. He could very well be in love, or like you a lot and want to see what happens. The problem is that not everyone develops in the same way, or has the same priorities at the same time. Trying to force him to change his timetable won't do anything to improve the situation, or make him more prepared.
Keep communication open, and if he expresses worries or reservations, ask him to explain. Don't get angry by what he has to say, just take it in stride and try to look at it from his perspective. Just asking him why he is holding back can be very illuminating, even if the answer hurts. At the very least, it will guide you in what to do next. If his answer is that he just doesn't see you as a permanent part of his life, it is time to move on. Sticking around and hoping someone will change their mind, personality or desires won't be constructive, and will only hurt you.
If his answer is that he just doesn't feel ready yet, but that he may in time, then decide if you want to wait for that possibility when it isn't certain. Take into account how long you have been together, what you hope to achieve in the future, and the health of your relationship. Don't rely on love alone to make the decision, because whatever you have been told, love isn't enough to sustain you.
If his answer is that he is ready except for a couple of issues that have him concerned, talk through those issues. Do what you can to work them out, or make changes in your lives to get around them. Ask him what it would take to possibly ease his mind. Remain rational and supportive, and try to react in the same constructive manner you hope he would with you.
Conclusion Kindness, respect, fun, love, passion, attraction, emotional support, excitement, lust...these are all parts of the whole that make up a good relationship in the long term. They are also the parts you need to show a man before he will consider committing, and what he should be showing you before you seek that commitment in the first place.
If you have not been finding these traits, and your partner is unwilling to begin providing them in the same way you are to make it work, then seeking something more serious isn't in your best interests. Remember that a couple is only as strong as the work they put in to grow together. If he is especially resistant to the idea, it might be time for you to accept defeat. There are plenty of men out there who want the same
thing you do. Don't settle for something less than you deserve.
But if the problem is just that you guys haven't been connecting, the steps above are going to get you there.
