darling
Trends
WAITING IT OUT
Marriage? Kids?
Not now, darling
Many women, busy chasing career dreams, are stashing away marriage and kids for farther down the road — and they are unapologetic about saving the best for later By Karen Ann Monsy
I
n the olden days, three things used to happen in typically whirlwind fashion once a woman turned 21: she’d be wished happy birthday, ‘set up’ with a potential hubby (with whom it was hoped the sparks would fly) and, soon after, wedding invites sent out. If a woman was a ‘rebel’ and wanted to play lone ranger for a while longer, she’d soon have concerned relatives asking if something was “wrong”. Hit 30 with no ‘happy news’ to share and she could well be on her way to the local old age home. Well, times have changed, and women today are increasingly standing up to say “I don’t” to both motherhood and marriage — not for a few years anyway. And arguments as to why 30 may just be the new 20 are far too strong to ignore. Dubai-based entrepreneur Rhiannon
26
21 sEPTEMBER 2012
Downie feels she may be one of the oldest of her friends to get married. The outspoken Briton is engaged to be wed in February 2014, by which time she will be 33 and no less apologetic about the delay than she is on the phone right now. “My parents divorced when I was very young and I saw how my mum struggled as a single parent and how I wasn’t as close to my dad as I’d have liked to have been as a child,” she explains. Rhiannon learnt a life lesson early on: marriage is not a decision to be taken rashly — and certainly not because of societal pressure. Motherhood has been on her mind a long time too (“I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was 25”) but, again, felt she’d do better to wait. “Women in their 30s have had the chance to experience life a bit more... Personally, if I’d had a khaleejtimes.com/wknd
khaleejtimes.com/wknd
21 September 2012
27
WAITING IT OUT Why the ‘corporate’ world isn’t JUST a man’s world
BIDING THEIR TIME: Rhiannon Downie with fiancé Adam
PLAYING IT SMART: Zuzana Kalsi with husband Harsh
EDUCATION FIRST: Fatima Al Shuwaihi
Photo: Rahul Gajjar
The shift in the capabilities and choices of these young women are indicative of changing times and the need for society to adapt as it goes along — Dr Rima
SPOTTING A TREND: Dr Rima Sabban
28
21 sEPTEMBER 2012
child at 23, I might’ve felt like I’d missed out on dreams I’d had as a teen. In a couple of years’ time though, I feel I’ll be both emotionally and financially ready to have a baby.” She is aware of the physical implications of putting off motherhood. “That’s why I’ve given myself a deadline of 35 years,” she says. But to those who think a woman single at 30 is ‘too old’, she adds: “Don’t judge a woman by age, but by her character and what she can do. Guys may be missing out on a lot of wonderful women just because they’re 30.” American Zuzana Kalsi says everyone from her grandmother to her aunts had their first child in their early 20s. “My mother was 19 when she had me. So at my age, she already had an 11-year-old daughter — I can’t imagine [doing that]!” says the 30-year-old, who married her boyfriend of five years about a year ago. “We decided to put the family plans on hold for a couple of years and give our business — a Dubai-based concierge service — time to grow.” Starting a new business and a new family at the same time wouldn’t have been a smart idea, she feels, as “there’d be a lot of stress involved, demanding hours on the business end and no steady income.” Though she hopes to have her first child in a couple of years, she concedes she does have some fears about mother-
hood. “It’s much easier on the body to deliver a child in the early 20s as opposed to the early 30s. I’m sure it will be fine, of course, but you know there’s always there’s that little devil on your shoulder that says otherwise,” she chuckles. The decision to tie the knot later is stirring up some pretty hot debates among locals as well. According to the Ministry of Planning, the number of unmarried Emirati women over 30 years of age has grown from 20 per cent in 1995 to 50 per cent in 2008. Figures released by the Department of Social Affairs this year too indicated that more than half (54%) of female Emiratis in their 30s are still single. Assistant professor of sociology at Zayed University Rima Sabban confirms she’s been observing a growing trend of young Emirati women who prefer not to marry young (so they can focus on their education) or have too many children because they cannot handle big families like their mothers or grandmothers used to. “There is a shift not just in the capabilities of these young women — but in their choices as well,” she notes. “And while that is not necessarily a negative thing, it certainly is indicative of changing times and the need for society to adapt as it goes along.” Emirati Fatima Al Shuwaihi is quite clear about where her priorities curkhaleejtimes.com/wknd
According to the UAE’S Ministry of Planning, the number of unmarried Emirati women over 30 years has jumped from 20 per cent in 1995 to 50 per cent in 2008 rently lie. “Education is No 1 in my life,” says the 27-year-old, who is putting off marriage so she can complete her EMBA and PhD first. “Having kids and starting a new home would definitely interfere with those plans, so it’s out of the question for now.” She’s not the only one who feels this way either. In her group of friends alone, she counts about 5-10 women who are on the same page. “Previously, women didn’t care much whether they had jobs or not. Today, they want a career,” notes Fatima, who works in the media department of the Mohammad bin Rashid Al Maktoum Foundation and dreams of becoming minister for media someday. She faces no pressure from her family either, who, she says, support her plans to study completely. After her dad passed away about a year after she was born, Fatima says it was her mother who raised them all by herself. “She was a strong woman who taught us to follow our dreams… My oldest sister got married at 27; my second sister at 32.” Speaking for herself, she says she’d want to marry a man who would understand “my work environment, projects and timings… For now though, I’d like to focus on my education and on improving myself.” It’s not every woman that’s opting to put off her bridal march for a while, mind. This year alone, I’ve watched as 20 of my friends (mostly former schoolmates) decided to tie the knot — all in their early 20s. At the same time, I continue to watch as my 30-plus girlfriends fail to escape the looks of incredulity from inquisitive local cabbies, who refuse to believe that at their age, they haven’t settled down with a bunch of hollering kids yet. To be clear, these women aren’t against the idea of marriage or motherhood. In their determination not to rush things though, age has just become a casualty. It doesn’t mean they’ve missed the train to happily ever after. For them, it just hasn’t arrived yet. [email protected] khaleejtimes.com/wknd
Academic Dr Pernille Arenfeldt talks about a need for more flexible gender norms if societies really want to ‘have it all’ Dr Pernille Arenfeldt, assistant professor in the department of International Studies at the American University of Sharjah, makes a valid point in stating that we often assume women working is a “new” phenomenon. “In reality,” she argues, “the vast majority of them have been working for thousands of years. It is the nature of work we perform and the location of where we perform it that have changed.” A study of gender history will reveal that the meaning of ‘work’ changed with industrial and postindustrial societies to refer to activities men and women are paid to perform in distinct workplaces such as factories, offices and shops instead of in and around the household. Today, there is a strong economic imperative for women to participate actively in this formal labour market. “If we believe that economic development is key to a better future, this participation must be supported,” asserts Pernille , whose field of professional specialisation is gender history with a focus on Europe and the Middle East. “However, if women are encouraged to pursue education and careers in order to contribute to the economic development of their societies while also being expected to be the main caregiver for children and responsible for other domestic tasks, it is not sustainable. The combination of these multiple ‘demands’ may well result in later marriages and decreased fertility rates.” Pernille explains that this trend — of women’s economic participation significantly increasing and fertility rates decreasing — has been the case across most of Europe during the past 70 years. “The only parts of Europe in which this trend has been re-
versed are the countries where men have been actively encouraged to take greater part in childrearing and domestic responsibilities (e.g. Norway and Iceland). So if societies wish to ‘have it all’, it may necessitate rethinking the ways in which we consider responsibilities to be gender specific.” Take the general reaction to a man’s decision to take leave from work for his children, and thus also support his wife’s career aspirations, today. “It is often met with profound surprise — and even ridicule,” she notes. “Success, therefore, may depend on more flexible gender norms. Women must recognise that men are perfectly capable of being primary caregivers, and men must acknowledge that their active involvement in the domestic sphere is as important as economic contributions.” She warns that the tendency to view changing marriage patterns as a female-gendered ‘problem’ (despite the fact that men in the Middle East are delaying marriage in larger numbers than women these days) can lull society into an incomplete understanding of the challenges associated with these trends. For though societies across the world like to stake their claim to modernity, many still tend to consider women single at 30 a lost cause. “The stigma associated with single women often results from the fact that unmarried women in many societies have been perceived as an undesirable economic burden,” says Pernille. “When women are economically independent, the stigma is reduced and it can be as acceptable for women to remain unmarried as it is for men.”
Photo: M Sajjad
Trends
ADDRESSING THE ISSUE: Dr Pernille Arenfeldt
21 September 2012
29
WAITING IT OUT
Marriage? Kids?
Not now, darling
Many women, busy chasing career dreams, are stashing away marriage and kids for farther down the road — and they are unapologetic about saving the best for later By Karen Ann Monsy
I
n the olden days, three things used to happen in typically whirlwind fashion once a woman turned 21: she’d be wished happy birthday, ‘set up’ with a potential hubby (with whom it was hoped the sparks would fly) and, soon after, wedding invites sent out. If a woman was a ‘rebel’ and wanted to play lone ranger for a while longer, she’d soon have concerned relatives asking if something was “wrong”. Hit 30 with no ‘happy news’ to share and she could well be on her way to the local old age home. Well, times have changed, and women today are increasingly standing up to say “I don’t” to both motherhood and marriage — not for a few years anyway. And arguments as to why 30 may just be the new 20 are far too strong to ignore. Dubai-based entrepreneur Rhiannon
26
21 sEPTEMBER 2012
Downie feels she may be one of the oldest of her friends to get married. The outspoken Briton is engaged to be wed in February 2014, by which time she will be 33 and no less apologetic about the delay than she is on the phone right now. “My parents divorced when I was very young and I saw how my mum struggled as a single parent and how I wasn’t as close to my dad as I’d have liked to have been as a child,” she explains. Rhiannon learnt a life lesson early on: marriage is not a decision to be taken rashly — and certainly not because of societal pressure. Motherhood has been on her mind a long time too (“I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was 25”) but, again, felt she’d do better to wait. “Women in their 30s have had the chance to experience life a bit more... Personally, if I’d had a khaleejtimes.com/wknd
khaleejtimes.com/wknd
21 September 2012
27
WAITING IT OUT Why the ‘corporate’ world isn’t JUST a man’s world
BIDING THEIR TIME: Rhiannon Downie with fiancé Adam
PLAYING IT SMART: Zuzana Kalsi with husband Harsh
EDUCATION FIRST: Fatima Al Shuwaihi
Photo: Rahul Gajjar
The shift in the capabilities and choices of these young women are indicative of changing times and the need for society to adapt as it goes along — Dr Rima
SPOTTING A TREND: Dr Rima Sabban
28
21 sEPTEMBER 2012
child at 23, I might’ve felt like I’d missed out on dreams I’d had as a teen. In a couple of years’ time though, I feel I’ll be both emotionally and financially ready to have a baby.” She is aware of the physical implications of putting off motherhood. “That’s why I’ve given myself a deadline of 35 years,” she says. But to those who think a woman single at 30 is ‘too old’, she adds: “Don’t judge a woman by age, but by her character and what she can do. Guys may be missing out on a lot of wonderful women just because they’re 30.” American Zuzana Kalsi says everyone from her grandmother to her aunts had their first child in their early 20s. “My mother was 19 when she had me. So at my age, she already had an 11-year-old daughter — I can’t imagine [doing that]!” says the 30-year-old, who married her boyfriend of five years about a year ago. “We decided to put the family plans on hold for a couple of years and give our business — a Dubai-based concierge service — time to grow.” Starting a new business and a new family at the same time wouldn’t have been a smart idea, she feels, as “there’d be a lot of stress involved, demanding hours on the business end and no steady income.” Though she hopes to have her first child in a couple of years, she concedes she does have some fears about mother-
hood. “It’s much easier on the body to deliver a child in the early 20s as opposed to the early 30s. I’m sure it will be fine, of course, but you know there’s always there’s that little devil on your shoulder that says otherwise,” she chuckles. The decision to tie the knot later is stirring up some pretty hot debates among locals as well. According to the Ministry of Planning, the number of unmarried Emirati women over 30 years of age has grown from 20 per cent in 1995 to 50 per cent in 2008. Figures released by the Department of Social Affairs this year too indicated that more than half (54%) of female Emiratis in their 30s are still single. Assistant professor of sociology at Zayed University Rima Sabban confirms she’s been observing a growing trend of young Emirati women who prefer not to marry young (so they can focus on their education) or have too many children because they cannot handle big families like their mothers or grandmothers used to. “There is a shift not just in the capabilities of these young women — but in their choices as well,” she notes. “And while that is not necessarily a negative thing, it certainly is indicative of changing times and the need for society to adapt as it goes along.” Emirati Fatima Al Shuwaihi is quite clear about where her priorities curkhaleejtimes.com/wknd
According to the UAE’S Ministry of Planning, the number of unmarried Emirati women over 30 years has jumped from 20 per cent in 1995 to 50 per cent in 2008 rently lie. “Education is No 1 in my life,” says the 27-year-old, who is putting off marriage so she can complete her EMBA and PhD first. “Having kids and starting a new home would definitely interfere with those plans, so it’s out of the question for now.” She’s not the only one who feels this way either. In her group of friends alone, she counts about 5-10 women who are on the same page. “Previously, women didn’t care much whether they had jobs or not. Today, they want a career,” notes Fatima, who works in the media department of the Mohammad bin Rashid Al Maktoum Foundation and dreams of becoming minister for media someday. She faces no pressure from her family either, who, she says, support her plans to study completely. After her dad passed away about a year after she was born, Fatima says it was her mother who raised them all by herself. “She was a strong woman who taught us to follow our dreams… My oldest sister got married at 27; my second sister at 32.” Speaking for herself, she says she’d want to marry a man who would understand “my work environment, projects and timings… For now though, I’d like to focus on my education and on improving myself.” It’s not every woman that’s opting to put off her bridal march for a while, mind. This year alone, I’ve watched as 20 of my friends (mostly former schoolmates) decided to tie the knot — all in their early 20s. At the same time, I continue to watch as my 30-plus girlfriends fail to escape the looks of incredulity from inquisitive local cabbies, who refuse to believe that at their age, they haven’t settled down with a bunch of hollering kids yet. To be clear, these women aren’t against the idea of marriage or motherhood. In their determination not to rush things though, age has just become a casualty. It doesn’t mean they’ve missed the train to happily ever after. For them, it just hasn’t arrived yet. [email protected] khaleejtimes.com/wknd
Academic Dr Pernille Arenfeldt talks about a need for more flexible gender norms if societies really want to ‘have it all’ Dr Pernille Arenfeldt, assistant professor in the department of International Studies at the American University of Sharjah, makes a valid point in stating that we often assume women working is a “new” phenomenon. “In reality,” she argues, “the vast majority of them have been working for thousands of years. It is the nature of work we perform and the location of where we perform it that have changed.” A study of gender history will reveal that the meaning of ‘work’ changed with industrial and postindustrial societies to refer to activities men and women are paid to perform in distinct workplaces such as factories, offices and shops instead of in and around the household. Today, there is a strong economic imperative for women to participate actively in this formal labour market. “If we believe that economic development is key to a better future, this participation must be supported,” asserts Pernille , whose field of professional specialisation is gender history with a focus on Europe and the Middle East. “However, if women are encouraged to pursue education and careers in order to contribute to the economic development of their societies while also being expected to be the main caregiver for children and responsible for other domestic tasks, it is not sustainable. The combination of these multiple ‘demands’ may well result in later marriages and decreased fertility rates.” Pernille explains that this trend — of women’s economic participation significantly increasing and fertility rates decreasing — has been the case across most of Europe during the past 70 years. “The only parts of Europe in which this trend has been re-
versed are the countries where men have been actively encouraged to take greater part in childrearing and domestic responsibilities (e.g. Norway and Iceland). So if societies wish to ‘have it all’, it may necessitate rethinking the ways in which we consider responsibilities to be gender specific.” Take the general reaction to a man’s decision to take leave from work for his children, and thus also support his wife’s career aspirations, today. “It is often met with profound surprise — and even ridicule,” she notes. “Success, therefore, may depend on more flexible gender norms. Women must recognise that men are perfectly capable of being primary caregivers, and men must acknowledge that their active involvement in the domestic sphere is as important as economic contributions.” She warns that the tendency to view changing marriage patterns as a female-gendered ‘problem’ (despite the fact that men in the Middle East are delaying marriage in larger numbers than women these days) can lull society into an incomplete understanding of the challenges associated with these trends. For though societies across the world like to stake their claim to modernity, many still tend to consider women single at 30 a lost cause. “The stigma associated with single women often results from the fact that unmarried women in many societies have been perceived as an undesirable economic burden,” says Pernille. “When women are economically independent, the stigma is reduced and it can be as acceptable for women to remain unmarried as it is for men.”
Photo: M Sajjad
Trends
ADDRESSING THE ISSUE: Dr Pernille Arenfeldt
21 September 2012
29
