Dear Justin Bieber
OPEN LETTER
Conde Nast India Pvt Ltd, rji Vallabhdas Marg, 2nd Floor, Darabshaw House, Shoo Ballard Estate, Mumbai 400 001 66119001 Tel +91 22 66119000 Fax +91 22
Dear Justin Bieber,
See you in rehab,
226 —
MARCH 2011
WORDS: IAIN BALL
e American teenage ented, white-toothed colossus of wholesom r-tal supe ing, winn ardi-aw mult us, call Please pop. We are extremely concerned. “Beliebers” – who ing hordes of screaming teenage girls – the -riot near e thos t abou ied worr not e we’r No, like they could quickly rip of zombies. You know, the ones who look follow you everywhere you go like a pack panties if your security hair out of your scalp and pop it into their every follicle of your adorable sweep-around s in Afghanistan. detail hadn’t been hardened by a few tour who throw their bras at Jocasta-like middle-aged moms – the ones Nor are we anxious about those packs of tive instincts – or those edipal mash-up of maternal and reproduc you on stage in some terrifying reverse-O dict-like daughters get your security chief just to help their crack-ad rds towa nces adva al sexu en braz e mak who a little closer to you. y at all. We’re worried about ours. In fact, we’re not concerned about your safet icians of the 21st century, re already one of the most successful mus Let us explain. You’re only 17 years old. You’ see your weirdly now extended itself worldwide. Already, we and your perky blond-haired presence has of the pages of Indian newspapers. androgynous face smiling wide-eyed out le on the planet (239 million You’re now one of the most Googled peop Estimate of your earnings? $100 million. , 16.5 million Facebook YouTube views, 6.3 million Twitter followers hits when we tried), with over one billion friends – and they’re growing every minute. little plastic-but-fantastic se of your debut album, My World – a cute It has been only 15 months since the relea Bieberland of dy feels less like an invitation to a feel-good alrea title the and – pop and R&B , soul of blend influence are so vast you gn policy ambition. Your power, wealth and perpetual sunshine and more like a forei fans. A sprawling ern country just by tweeting the idea to your could probably conquer a small Middle East ts your command. global army of hormone-fuelled tweens awai world (she didn’t mention Earth to bring light and inspiration to the Your mother, Pattie, says you were put on r, should exert such No. No one man, or teenager, or whateve the money). But we don’t beliebe it. We say: h. power over the minds of the world’s yout s and well adjusted, but in interviews as down-to-earth, humorou The thing is, not only do you come across but I want to have some recently told Vanity Fair. “Well, not normal, also just nice. “I want to be normal,” you sort of normalcy. I don’t want to go crazy.” e tantrum, before go crazy. Start off with the occasional off-stag Well, Justin, we hereby would like you to been advising you d-rage breakdowns. Apparently, Usher has proceeding to alcohol-fuelled on-stage nake It’s the only way to on. Gibs want you to get your advice from Mel on how to handle fame. From now on, we safeguard global peace and security.
Conde Nast India Pvt Ltd, rji Vallabhdas Marg, 2nd Floor, Darabshaw House, Shoo Ballard Estate, Mumbai 400 001 66119001 Tel +91 22 66119000 Fax +91 22
Dear Justin Bieber,
See you in rehab,
226 —
MARCH 2011
WORDS: IAIN BALL
e American teenage ented, white-toothed colossus of wholesom r-tal supe ing, winn ardi-aw mult us, call Please pop. We are extremely concerned. “Beliebers” – who ing hordes of screaming teenage girls – the -riot near e thos t abou ied worr not e we’r No, like they could quickly rip of zombies. You know, the ones who look follow you everywhere you go like a pack panties if your security hair out of your scalp and pop it into their every follicle of your adorable sweep-around s in Afghanistan. detail hadn’t been hardened by a few tour who throw their bras at Jocasta-like middle-aged moms – the ones Nor are we anxious about those packs of tive instincts – or those edipal mash-up of maternal and reproduc you on stage in some terrifying reverse-O dict-like daughters get your security chief just to help their crack-ad rds towa nces adva al sexu en braz e mak who a little closer to you. y at all. We’re worried about ours. In fact, we’re not concerned about your safet icians of the 21st century, re already one of the most successful mus Let us explain. You’re only 17 years old. You’ see your weirdly now extended itself worldwide. Already, we and your perky blond-haired presence has of the pages of Indian newspapers. androgynous face smiling wide-eyed out le on the planet (239 million You’re now one of the most Googled peop Estimate of your earnings? $100 million. , 16.5 million Facebook YouTube views, 6.3 million Twitter followers hits when we tried), with over one billion friends – and they’re growing every minute. little plastic-but-fantastic se of your debut album, My World – a cute It has been only 15 months since the relea Bieberland of dy feels less like an invitation to a feel-good alrea title the and – pop and R&B , soul of blend influence are so vast you gn policy ambition. Your power, wealth and perpetual sunshine and more like a forei fans. A sprawling ern country just by tweeting the idea to your could probably conquer a small Middle East ts your command. global army of hormone-fuelled tweens awai world (she didn’t mention Earth to bring light and inspiration to the Your mother, Pattie, says you were put on r, should exert such No. No one man, or teenager, or whateve the money). But we don’t beliebe it. We say: h. power over the minds of the world’s yout s and well adjusted, but in interviews as down-to-earth, humorou The thing is, not only do you come across but I want to have some recently told Vanity Fair. “Well, not normal, also just nice. “I want to be normal,” you sort of normalcy. I don’t want to go crazy.” e tantrum, before go crazy. Start off with the occasional off-stag Well, Justin, we hereby would like you to been advising you d-rage breakdowns. Apparently, Usher has proceeding to alcohol-fuelled on-stage nake It’s the only way to on. Gibs want you to get your advice from Mel on how to handle fame. From now on, we safeguard global peace and security.
