Module 3
Know & Befriend Your Own Emotions
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f you’re like most women, you really want to be understood by your partner. Yet if you don’t understand yourself, it’s much harder for anyone else to understand you. In contrast, when you know what you feel when you feel it – and can accept your feelings, rather than ignoring or criticizing them – relationships work much better. When you become intimate with yourself, it’s much easier for you to develop and sustain intimacy with others.
Befriending Your Emotions According to our mentors Gay and Katie Hendricks, the five core emotions are sadness, fear, anger, joy and sexual feelings. All of our other feelings – like resentment, disappointment, worry, annoyance and anxiety – are just variations on the theme. Although we all have lots of emotions, most of us aren’t terribly friendly toward them, at least not toward the emotions we see as “negative.” Yet by trying to shove these emotions out of sight, we actually make them stronger, and increase the chance that we’ll
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act them out in problematic ways. As someone once said, “What we resist, persists.” Think about it this way. If you were taking care of an infant and she started crying, what would be more likely to help her stop: picking her up and holding her, or shoving her into the closet? Many of us try to shove our feelings into the closet so we won’t have to hear them any more. When we do that, they only cry louder, just as a real infant would. “Befriending your emotions” means listening to them, and to yourself, with compassion. Here’s a meditation to help you do that.
Meditation for Befriending Your Emotions Let yourself get comfortable wherever you’re sitting, and take a few slow, deep breaths in. Notice the support of your chair or couch underneath you, and allow your breath to nourish you and help you relax. Nice, slow breaths, long and deep. Now, let yourself think back on something that happened recently, that brought up feelings in you. It might be a misunderstanding or argument with a friend, or family member, or co-worker. It might even be a brief interaction with a stranger, or even a feeling that came up when you read or saw or heard something online. Now, place yourself back into that feeling for a minute, and try to really notice exactly what it feels like. Observe where and how you feel the feeling in your body. Is it a tightness in your shoulders? Does your heart start to beat faster? Is there an ache in your chest, or a knot in your stomach? Whatever the physical sensation is, just let yourself stay with it and say “hello” to it. You can say, “Hi, tightness. I feel you. I know you’re here.” Or, “Hello, anger.” As you observe your feelings, you might find yourself getting caught up in the story of whatever happened, thinking things like, “I can’t 96
RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, PH.D. AND MICHELLE MURRAIN, PH.D.
believe she said that,” or “That was really stupid of me.” If you notice thoughts like that, just acknowledge them, and say hello to them, too, but then bring your focus back to your body and your sensations again. Stay with the process and just take a few minutes to really, fully feel your feelings. In addition to the physical sensations, notice if you feel anger, sadness or fear. If the feeling has another label – like annoyance, anxiety, or resentment – that’s okay too. Just let yourself say, “Hello, anger, I see you. Hello, anxiety, I know you’re here.” After giving yourself a few minutes to greet, acknowledge and sit with your physical sensations and emotions, let yourself come back fully into the room. How was that for you? For some women, it feels good to finally stop fighting the feeling, and just give it some room. For others, it feels scary. Some people just notice themselves getting distracted. If your mind starts jumping around rather than keeping the focus, there might be fear underneath that, too. Whatever happens, try not to judge it, or yourself. The more often you let yourself actually feel your feelings, the easier it will become to do it.
The 10-Second Miracle You may also notice something very interesting. Often within a short time of fully feeling a feeling, it actually shifts. Gay Hendricks calls this “the 10-second miracle.” His studies have shown that often, fully feeling something for just ten seconds is enough to help the feeling release, or change into a feeling of lightness, freedom and relief. The key to this “miracle” is not getting caught up in the story. Our minds usually invent stories about why things happened. Once we get caught up in the story, we can replay it for hours, days or even 97
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years, without any shift at all. That’s why it’s so important to focus on the physical sensation of the feeling, rather than your thoughts about what happened. Ruth: I remember the night when I was waiting for my girlfriend Jana to come over, and she kept calling to say she’d be late – and then later still. She was supposed to be at my place at 6:00, and she didn’t end up arriving till 9:00. I only got to see Jana once a week (you’ll hear more about that later in this book.), so our time was particularly precious – and on this day she had chosen to help some friends paint their house, rather than being with me. The story in my head was that she was wronging me. She was inconsiderate, uncaring, and not making me a big enough priority in her life. Caught up in that story, I felt angry, self-righteous and bitter. As I waited for her, my heart grew colder and colder. But I had learned about befriending my feelings, so I decided to try. I lay down on my couch, pulled a blanket over my head, and dove into the emotions that lay beneath the story. Pain. Grief. Fear. I cried. I shook. I literally writhed on the couch, grateful that no one could see me. I kept my focus on allowing the feelings to move through me, separate from my story about how Jana was wronging me. It took a lot longer than ten seconds. Perhaps it was more like five minutes. But after a while, the strength of the feelings receded. They were like an ocean wave that had crashed and broken, and then rolled back out to sea. I felt clear and calm. I got up, washed my face, and was actually in a pretty good mood by the time Jana arrived. Now, having Jana get there at 9:00 rather than 6:00 wasn’t okay with me. It was definitely something we needed to have a conversation about – and we did, on another day. But by befriending my feelings and allowing them to move through me, I empowered and healed myself, while also avoiding an ugly fight with Jana. I didn’t need 98
RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, PH.D. AND MICHELLE MURRAIN, PH.D.
Jana – or anyone else – to be different, in order for me to feel better. The power was back in my hands.
If You’re Not Sure What You’re Feeling It’s not necessary to know the name of a feeling in order to feel it fully. Sometimes it’s easier to identify a physical sensation than it is to know what the feeling “is.” So it’s fine to just let yourself fully feel the lump in your throat, the ache around your breastbone, or the heavy feeling in your gut. But it’s also true that the location of the sensation can give you clues about what it is. Sensations in the neck and shoulders tend to be anger. Sensations in the chest and throat tend to be sadness. And sensations in the stomach tend to be fear. Of course, it’s entirely possible to feel several of these feelings at once. By letting yourself get curious about what’s going on – again, in a friendly manner – you can also learn more about how particular emotions show up for you. Sometimes it’s not in the form of sensations, but in words or phrases that run through your mind, or perhaps images or pictures. Ruth: For a long time, I didn’t consciously know it when I felt angry, but I noticed that sometimes I would start to have an image of throwing things. When I was growing up, my father used to throw things when he was angry. Gradually I realized, “Oh, when I start picturing throwing things, it probably means I’m angry.”
Feelings About Your Feelings You might also notice that you have feelings about your feelings. For instance, it’s common to be frightened by your fear (or also by your anger or sadness.) You might also be sad about your sadness, or angry about your sadness, or some other combination.
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No matter how many layers of feelings you have, it’s possible to gently acknowledge each layer and let yourself feel them. For instance, you can greet the sadness – “Hello, sadness, I know you’re there” – and also say, “Hello, other part of me that feels really sad about being so sad.” Emotions feel dangerous to many of us. Some women find that they quickly try to talk themselves out of what they’re feeling, or else automatically attempt to distract themselves. If you notice this kind of pattern, just let yourself acknowledge it, too – and then begin to feel around to see what feeling is beneath the pattern. Somewhere inside, you may believe something like this: If I really let myself feel this, it’ll kill me. Or, If I let myself feel sad, I’ll never feel anything else again. Or even, If I really let myself feel this, I might harm someone else. These feelings are real, but they are not the truth. In truth, you are bigger than your feelings. And the effort not to feel them creates many more problems than the process of fully feeling them. Our fear of fully feeling our feelings is often left over from our infancy, when we didn’t have the skills and resources we have now. To make matters worse, many of us were systematically taught by our parents or others that feeling our feelings, or showing our feelings, was dangerous. You may have been ridiculed, shamed, rejected or even punished for your feelings. So it’s not surprising that there are many layers of emotions locked inside most of us. But now you’re an adult, and you get to make your own rules about your emotional life. Befriending your feelings and consciously giving them space will actually free you from having to act them out. If you’re grounded in self-love and self-compassion, not only will feeling your feelings not kill you or lead you to harm someone else, it’ll actually help you be closer to yourself and others.
100
RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, PH.D. AND MICHELLE MURRAIN, PH.D.
We know that developing new habits around your feelings can be scary and uncomfortable at first. It takes courage to try on a new way of being – so we invite you to celebrate and appreciate yourself for having that courage. As with any other skill, the more you let yourself feel your feelings, the easier it will be. Over time, as you befriend your feelings, you’ll grow stronger, more flexible and resilient.
Owning Your Feelings People often feel that other people or circumstances “made” them feel what they felt. Our language reflects that assumption: That article made me sad. When you showed up late, it made me angry. But the truth is, your feelings are your own. No one and nothing can actually produce a feeling in you – all someone else can do is trigger your feeling. And no one can take your feeling away, either. One of our workshop participants once gave us a great image for how people trigger our feelings. She said, “Picture a glass with some muddy water in it, where all the sediment has settled to the bottom. Your interactions with other people stir the glass up, so the sediment rises. But they didn’t put the sediment there to begin with.” The great thing about owning your own feelings – rather than believing that someone else brought them about – is that once you know your emotions are yours, you restore your sense of power over your own experience. Look at it this way. If other people actually caused your feelings, you’d be at the mercy of what the people around you chose to do. You’d be helpless, knowing that someone else could “make” you scared, or sad, or angry at any moment. But once you realize that your emotions belong to you, and that you can choose to bring awareness to them, befriend them, and fully feel them – and help them shift in the process – then 101
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you’re empowered. No one can make you feel anything. Someone else can trigger an emotion in you by “stirring your glass,” but by befriending your feelings, you can make the water (emotional climate) inside you clear again. Michelle: Last year I had a Facebook fight with an old friend. She misunderstood something I’d said on Facebook, and unfriended me. Although we hadn’t been close in years, I felt really sad about it. So I spent some time feeling the ache inside my chest, and connecting with the little kid inside me who felt hurt and misunderstood, and also afraid she’d done something wrong. I told her that it was okay, she hadn’t done anything wrong – and that even if she did do something wrong, I would still love her. I wished I could change my friend’s perception of what I had said, but I realized that wasn’t within my power. What was within my power was to spend time with my own emotions. After a while, the sharp sense of sadness went away. I still wished my friend hadn’t misunderstood me, but at the same time, I also accepted that she had, and felt at peace with what had happened. Once you know how to befriend your feelings, the next step is to learn to talk about them in productive ways. We’ll cover that in the next chapter.
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I
f you’re like most women, you really want to be understood by your partner. Yet if you don’t understand yourself, it’s much harder for anyone else to understand you. In contrast, when you know what you feel when you feel it – and can accept your feelings, rather than ignoring or criticizing them – relationships work much better. When you become intimate with yourself, it’s much easier for you to develop and sustain intimacy with others.
Befriending Your Emotions According to our mentors Gay and Katie Hendricks, the five core emotions are sadness, fear, anger, joy and sexual feelings. All of our other feelings – like resentment, disappointment, worry, annoyance and anxiety – are just variations on the theme. Although we all have lots of emotions, most of us aren’t terribly friendly toward them, at least not toward the emotions we see as “negative.” Yet by trying to shove these emotions out of sight, we actually make them stronger, and increase the chance that we’ll
95
CONSCIOUS LESBIAN DATING & LOVE
act them out in problematic ways. As someone once said, “What we resist, persists.” Think about it this way. If you were taking care of an infant and she started crying, what would be more likely to help her stop: picking her up and holding her, or shoving her into the closet? Many of us try to shove our feelings into the closet so we won’t have to hear them any more. When we do that, they only cry louder, just as a real infant would. “Befriending your emotions” means listening to them, and to yourself, with compassion. Here’s a meditation to help you do that.
Meditation for Befriending Your Emotions Let yourself get comfortable wherever you’re sitting, and take a few slow, deep breaths in. Notice the support of your chair or couch underneath you, and allow your breath to nourish you and help you relax. Nice, slow breaths, long and deep. Now, let yourself think back on something that happened recently, that brought up feelings in you. It might be a misunderstanding or argument with a friend, or family member, or co-worker. It might even be a brief interaction with a stranger, or even a feeling that came up when you read or saw or heard something online. Now, place yourself back into that feeling for a minute, and try to really notice exactly what it feels like. Observe where and how you feel the feeling in your body. Is it a tightness in your shoulders? Does your heart start to beat faster? Is there an ache in your chest, or a knot in your stomach? Whatever the physical sensation is, just let yourself stay with it and say “hello” to it. You can say, “Hi, tightness. I feel you. I know you’re here.” Or, “Hello, anger.” As you observe your feelings, you might find yourself getting caught up in the story of whatever happened, thinking things like, “I can’t 96
RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, PH.D. AND MICHELLE MURRAIN, PH.D.
believe she said that,” or “That was really stupid of me.” If you notice thoughts like that, just acknowledge them, and say hello to them, too, but then bring your focus back to your body and your sensations again. Stay with the process and just take a few minutes to really, fully feel your feelings. In addition to the physical sensations, notice if you feel anger, sadness or fear. If the feeling has another label – like annoyance, anxiety, or resentment – that’s okay too. Just let yourself say, “Hello, anger, I see you. Hello, anxiety, I know you’re here.” After giving yourself a few minutes to greet, acknowledge and sit with your physical sensations and emotions, let yourself come back fully into the room. How was that for you? For some women, it feels good to finally stop fighting the feeling, and just give it some room. For others, it feels scary. Some people just notice themselves getting distracted. If your mind starts jumping around rather than keeping the focus, there might be fear underneath that, too. Whatever happens, try not to judge it, or yourself. The more often you let yourself actually feel your feelings, the easier it will become to do it.
The 10-Second Miracle You may also notice something very interesting. Often within a short time of fully feeling a feeling, it actually shifts. Gay Hendricks calls this “the 10-second miracle.” His studies have shown that often, fully feeling something for just ten seconds is enough to help the feeling release, or change into a feeling of lightness, freedom and relief. The key to this “miracle” is not getting caught up in the story. Our minds usually invent stories about why things happened. Once we get caught up in the story, we can replay it for hours, days or even 97
CONSCIOUS LESBIAN DATING & LOVE
years, without any shift at all. That’s why it’s so important to focus on the physical sensation of the feeling, rather than your thoughts about what happened. Ruth: I remember the night when I was waiting for my girlfriend Jana to come over, and she kept calling to say she’d be late – and then later still. She was supposed to be at my place at 6:00, and she didn’t end up arriving till 9:00. I only got to see Jana once a week (you’ll hear more about that later in this book.), so our time was particularly precious – and on this day she had chosen to help some friends paint their house, rather than being with me. The story in my head was that she was wronging me. She was inconsiderate, uncaring, and not making me a big enough priority in her life. Caught up in that story, I felt angry, self-righteous and bitter. As I waited for her, my heart grew colder and colder. But I had learned about befriending my feelings, so I decided to try. I lay down on my couch, pulled a blanket over my head, and dove into the emotions that lay beneath the story. Pain. Grief. Fear. I cried. I shook. I literally writhed on the couch, grateful that no one could see me. I kept my focus on allowing the feelings to move through me, separate from my story about how Jana was wronging me. It took a lot longer than ten seconds. Perhaps it was more like five minutes. But after a while, the strength of the feelings receded. They were like an ocean wave that had crashed and broken, and then rolled back out to sea. I felt clear and calm. I got up, washed my face, and was actually in a pretty good mood by the time Jana arrived. Now, having Jana get there at 9:00 rather than 6:00 wasn’t okay with me. It was definitely something we needed to have a conversation about – and we did, on another day. But by befriending my feelings and allowing them to move through me, I empowered and healed myself, while also avoiding an ugly fight with Jana. I didn’t need 98
RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, PH.D. AND MICHELLE MURRAIN, PH.D.
Jana – or anyone else – to be different, in order for me to feel better. The power was back in my hands.
If You’re Not Sure What You’re Feeling It’s not necessary to know the name of a feeling in order to feel it fully. Sometimes it’s easier to identify a physical sensation than it is to know what the feeling “is.” So it’s fine to just let yourself fully feel the lump in your throat, the ache around your breastbone, or the heavy feeling in your gut. But it’s also true that the location of the sensation can give you clues about what it is. Sensations in the neck and shoulders tend to be anger. Sensations in the chest and throat tend to be sadness. And sensations in the stomach tend to be fear. Of course, it’s entirely possible to feel several of these feelings at once. By letting yourself get curious about what’s going on – again, in a friendly manner – you can also learn more about how particular emotions show up for you. Sometimes it’s not in the form of sensations, but in words or phrases that run through your mind, or perhaps images or pictures. Ruth: For a long time, I didn’t consciously know it when I felt angry, but I noticed that sometimes I would start to have an image of throwing things. When I was growing up, my father used to throw things when he was angry. Gradually I realized, “Oh, when I start picturing throwing things, it probably means I’m angry.”
Feelings About Your Feelings You might also notice that you have feelings about your feelings. For instance, it’s common to be frightened by your fear (or also by your anger or sadness.) You might also be sad about your sadness, or angry about your sadness, or some other combination.
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CONSCIOUS LESBIAN DATING & LOVE
No matter how many layers of feelings you have, it’s possible to gently acknowledge each layer and let yourself feel them. For instance, you can greet the sadness – “Hello, sadness, I know you’re there” – and also say, “Hello, other part of me that feels really sad about being so sad.” Emotions feel dangerous to many of us. Some women find that they quickly try to talk themselves out of what they’re feeling, or else automatically attempt to distract themselves. If you notice this kind of pattern, just let yourself acknowledge it, too – and then begin to feel around to see what feeling is beneath the pattern. Somewhere inside, you may believe something like this: If I really let myself feel this, it’ll kill me. Or, If I let myself feel sad, I’ll never feel anything else again. Or even, If I really let myself feel this, I might harm someone else. These feelings are real, but they are not the truth. In truth, you are bigger than your feelings. And the effort not to feel them creates many more problems than the process of fully feeling them. Our fear of fully feeling our feelings is often left over from our infancy, when we didn’t have the skills and resources we have now. To make matters worse, many of us were systematically taught by our parents or others that feeling our feelings, or showing our feelings, was dangerous. You may have been ridiculed, shamed, rejected or even punished for your feelings. So it’s not surprising that there are many layers of emotions locked inside most of us. But now you’re an adult, and you get to make your own rules about your emotional life. Befriending your feelings and consciously giving them space will actually free you from having to act them out. If you’re grounded in self-love and self-compassion, not only will feeling your feelings not kill you or lead you to harm someone else, it’ll actually help you be closer to yourself and others.
100
RUTH L. SCHWARTZ, PH.D. AND MICHELLE MURRAIN, PH.D.
We know that developing new habits around your feelings can be scary and uncomfortable at first. It takes courage to try on a new way of being – so we invite you to celebrate and appreciate yourself for having that courage. As with any other skill, the more you let yourself feel your feelings, the easier it will be. Over time, as you befriend your feelings, you’ll grow stronger, more flexible and resilient.
Owning Your Feelings People often feel that other people or circumstances “made” them feel what they felt. Our language reflects that assumption: That article made me sad. When you showed up late, it made me angry. But the truth is, your feelings are your own. No one and nothing can actually produce a feeling in you – all someone else can do is trigger your feeling. And no one can take your feeling away, either. One of our workshop participants once gave us a great image for how people trigger our feelings. She said, “Picture a glass with some muddy water in it, where all the sediment has settled to the bottom. Your interactions with other people stir the glass up, so the sediment rises. But they didn’t put the sediment there to begin with.” The great thing about owning your own feelings – rather than believing that someone else brought them about – is that once you know your emotions are yours, you restore your sense of power over your own experience. Look at it this way. If other people actually caused your feelings, you’d be at the mercy of what the people around you chose to do. You’d be helpless, knowing that someone else could “make” you scared, or sad, or angry at any moment. But once you realize that your emotions belong to you, and that you can choose to bring awareness to them, befriend them, and fully feel them – and help them shift in the process – then 101
CONSCIOUS LESBIAN DATING & LOVE
you’re empowered. No one can make you feel anything. Someone else can trigger an emotion in you by “stirring your glass,” but by befriending your feelings, you can make the water (emotional climate) inside you clear again. Michelle: Last year I had a Facebook fight with an old friend. She misunderstood something I’d said on Facebook, and unfriended me. Although we hadn’t been close in years, I felt really sad about it. So I spent some time feeling the ache inside my chest, and connecting with the little kid inside me who felt hurt and misunderstood, and also afraid she’d done something wrong. I told her that it was okay, she hadn’t done anything wrong – and that even if she did do something wrong, I would still love her. I wished I could change my friend’s perception of what I had said, but I realized that wasn’t within my power. What was within my power was to spend time with my own emotions. After a while, the sharp sense of sadness went away. I still wished my friend hadn’t misunderstood me, but at the same time, I also accepted that she had, and felt at peace with what had happened. Once you know how to befriend your feelings, the next step is to learn to talk about them in productive ways. We’ll cover that in the next chapter.
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