Module 7
Module 7: You Have to Love the “Whole Package” In love, it is easy to be tempted to pick and choose the things that you want to love about your significant other. In a way, this is a natural thing. After all, there will always be things that you really admire about others, while there will be things that you aren't so fond of (and that maybe even drive you crazy). Sure, it's a natural thing, but it can also lead to what I like to call “The Frankenstein Effect”, where you start looking at your partner as a bunch of parts, rather than a whole person. The problem is that while we are all comprised of a bunch of parts in our own way, that this thinking makes you want to omit parts of them that aren't so “loveable” from your affections. The Frankenstein Effect also makes you tempted to try to “change” or “fix” your partner, which is also a very dangerous thing to get caught up in. Like Dr. Frankenstein himself, you start to look at your lover as a monster of sorts that could be perfect if you could just make a few little modifications. Let's discuss not only why you need to love the whole package, but also discuss some strategies to ensure that you can do so successfully.
People Have Differences That You Need to Understand
One of the most obvious things that we all feel like we know about relationships with other people is that other people will always be different than ourselves in some way or another. No two people are exactly alike, and very often you find that any two given people are extremely different, in fact. However, even if we understand on a fundamental level that the other people in our lives, including significant others, are different from us, accepting that fact is a very different thing entirely. There are two times where you really should feel concerned about the differences between your significant other and yourself. One is when the difference leads to behavior that is objectively wrong. If your partner is “different” in a way that he or she doesn't respect the boundaries of a relationship and is cheating on you constantly, that's obviously a problem. If the difference is that your partner has a hard time telling the truth, that's a problem. If they have a hard time following laws and staying out of trouble, that's a problem. If they don't respect you emotionally and are running you down, that's a problem, too. These should all (hopefully) be obvious examples.
The other time when you should be concerned about a difference between your partner and you is when the difference is driving a legitimate wedge between you. Now, this one is trickier to to work out, because there is a considerable amount of grey area involved. Now, clearly everyone has a different breaking point or tolerance level. For some, a simple pet peeve can be a reason to break up with another person. However, if you are in a long-term relationship, it's safe to assume that you are more committed than a person who would break up with their significant other over their inability to do dishes or love of wearing socks with sandals. One of the things that you should know, then, is when to just let a difference remain as a difference, and when it is something that really needs to be changed so that it doesn't endanger your relationship. In other words, how do you identify a difference that needs to be worked on by your partner or yourself versus one that you both just need to learn to accept?
Differences Aren't Always Flaws That Need to Be Changed Aside from the obvious differences that are obviously morally or legally wrong, deciding whether a difference is a potential "deal-breaker" is a very important skill to have. Too many times, people believe that differences big and small are always flaws that need to be corrected, and they automatically think of themselves as the person who should be the one to correct them. That's a viewpoint that is downright toxic for relationships, though, because most differences aren't flaws at all, and certainly are not badly in need of correction. Earlier, we talked about distinguishing between differences that can ultimately cause serious problems and those that are merely small things that we must learn to get over. Let's discuss that angle a little further, so that you can begin to decide where you and your partner's differences rank. Think about it: are the differences just a matter of preference? Do they like to do things differently than you do, and you have little tolerance for things that aren't done "your way"? This is an important designation to make, not only because hounding your partner about silly differences can damage your relationship, but also because having little tolerance for differences can cause serious problems in not only your current relationship, but all relationships you have yet to come (romantic or otherwise). One major thing that successful relationships have in common would be the ability to compromise. Another would be the ability to be tolerant. Both of these traits are extremely important as you look toward yourself and your partner with a critical eye to think about whether the differences between you and your partner are worth fighting over all of the time. Remember that while it may make life more convenient if everybody was exactly like you and agreed with everything that you do or say, it would also make life mind numbingly dull. One of the things that makes both life and love interesting is that we're not all exactly the same. Sure, sometimes
differences can be a source of annoyance or frustration, but they can also be the source of entertainment, humor, and intrigue.
Learn the Importance of Acceptance I said that tolerance is an important facet of a good relationship, and it's true. However, while we should always tolerate harmless behaviors of significant others as a bare minimum, we should strive for something much better- acceptance. Acceptance is better than tolerance in many ways. For one, to "tolerate" something means that you are just "putting up" with it. That is usually a short-term scenario, as nobody "puts up" with grating behavior for long. Also, when you are merely tolerating somebody's personality, behavior, or quirks, it gives the impression that you are doing them a favor. "I'll be nice and tolerate you for now, don't you appreciate that?" Loving your significant other wholly and completely shouldn't be seen as a favor or as a charitable act. It should just be part of the relationship, period. When you accept the differences in your partner, you don't just put up with them, but you embrace them. It's a much better way to look at things, as it promotes positive feelings among you, encourages that love to grow, and sure, even banks you some Love Points, too. Furthermore, you can rest assured that there are some things that you do that your partner may not always be crazy about, either. Wouldn't you rather have them accept your quirks than merely tolerate them? If you are more accepting of your partner as a whole person, they will almost certainly show the same acceptance to you. As we keep saying when it comes to all things relationshiporiented, it's a two-way street.
You Loved Them Initially for Everything, Not Just Parts of Them I want to take a step back for a minute and repeat something that I said a few paragraphs ago: "Loving your significant other wholly and completely shouldn't be seen as a favor or as a charitable act." See those words? "Wholly and completely." Too often, as relationships mature (and hopefully grow) as we get to know each other better, we stop seeing the ones that we love as whole people, but instead as distinct parts. We often say that a person has different "sides" to them, but is that kind of thinking accurate? Do we just use such a term to reconcile the fact that a person who can do one thing (such as be kind and help a stranger) can also do something completely different (be rude or abrasive on a bad day)?
We should resist the urge to divide people into parts, and instead focus on loving them as a whole person, warts and all. The reason that this is so important is that when you start dividing people into parts, it becomes much easier to give into the temptation to start accepting or rejecting specific parts of them. It becomes very easy to get the mindset that you can "fix" the parts of them that you don't enjoy or agree with as much, like you would do with a car that doesn't run right. People aren't cars, and more often than not, you will be best off taking the person as a complete package. Accept the fact that if you continue to love your partner, you will likely have to put up with some quirks or differences that may annoy you or bother you. Accept the fact that these differences are unlikely to change, and if they do, it's a bonus- not something you should expect or be counting on. Furthermore, getting into a relationship with someone who you think of as a "fixer-upper" is dangerous, anyway. It can be tempting to get together with someone and ignore a glaring or even harmful flaw that is fundamental to their personality and who they are, hoping that you can help them change it. Again, people sometimes do change, but you shouldn't get in a relationship with someone if you don't appreciate who they are as a whole person at the current moment. I have talked at length about the merits of a deeper, long-term love vs. the obvious benefits of the early stages of white hot passion that come in the early days of a relationship. However, there are a lot of things that we can learn from the "honeymoon period", which is true in this case, as well. What I want for you to take away from the honeymoon period on the subject of accepting differences is that when you first got together, you likely didn't see your significant other as a collection of parts, but as a whole person. You loved and accepted them as a person, possibly even while knowing that there would one day be some things about them that weren't as pleasing to you as others. That's what we should aspire to, and that's an important key to lasting, healthy long-term relationships. People don't enjoy being pressured to change, particularly when the behavior or trait that they're being pressured to change is not a matter of right or wrong, but a simple matter of being different. When you send a message to your partner that they need to change and be more like you, you also send them the message that they aren't good enough for you. That's not how you build a relationship or allow love to be rekindled or grow.
People Have Differences That You Need to Understand
One of the most obvious things that we all feel like we know about relationships with other people is that other people will always be different than ourselves in some way or another. No two people are exactly alike, and very often you find that any two given people are extremely different, in fact. However, even if we understand on a fundamental level that the other people in our lives, including significant others, are different from us, accepting that fact is a very different thing entirely. There are two times where you really should feel concerned about the differences between your significant other and yourself. One is when the difference leads to behavior that is objectively wrong. If your partner is “different” in a way that he or she doesn't respect the boundaries of a relationship and is cheating on you constantly, that's obviously a problem. If the difference is that your partner has a hard time telling the truth, that's a problem. If they have a hard time following laws and staying out of trouble, that's a problem. If they don't respect you emotionally and are running you down, that's a problem, too. These should all (hopefully) be obvious examples.
The other time when you should be concerned about a difference between your partner and you is when the difference is driving a legitimate wedge between you. Now, this one is trickier to to work out, because there is a considerable amount of grey area involved. Now, clearly everyone has a different breaking point or tolerance level. For some, a simple pet peeve can be a reason to break up with another person. However, if you are in a long-term relationship, it's safe to assume that you are more committed than a person who would break up with their significant other over their inability to do dishes or love of wearing socks with sandals. One of the things that you should know, then, is when to just let a difference remain as a difference, and when it is something that really needs to be changed so that it doesn't endanger your relationship. In other words, how do you identify a difference that needs to be worked on by your partner or yourself versus one that you both just need to learn to accept?
Differences Aren't Always Flaws That Need to Be Changed Aside from the obvious differences that are obviously morally or legally wrong, deciding whether a difference is a potential "deal-breaker" is a very important skill to have. Too many times, people believe that differences big and small are always flaws that need to be corrected, and they automatically think of themselves as the person who should be the one to correct them. That's a viewpoint that is downright toxic for relationships, though, because most differences aren't flaws at all, and certainly are not badly in need of correction. Earlier, we talked about distinguishing between differences that can ultimately cause serious problems and those that are merely small things that we must learn to get over. Let's discuss that angle a little further, so that you can begin to decide where you and your partner's differences rank. Think about it: are the differences just a matter of preference? Do they like to do things differently than you do, and you have little tolerance for things that aren't done "your way"? This is an important designation to make, not only because hounding your partner about silly differences can damage your relationship, but also because having little tolerance for differences can cause serious problems in not only your current relationship, but all relationships you have yet to come (romantic or otherwise). One major thing that successful relationships have in common would be the ability to compromise. Another would be the ability to be tolerant. Both of these traits are extremely important as you look toward yourself and your partner with a critical eye to think about whether the differences between you and your partner are worth fighting over all of the time. Remember that while it may make life more convenient if everybody was exactly like you and agreed with everything that you do or say, it would also make life mind numbingly dull. One of the things that makes both life and love interesting is that we're not all exactly the same. Sure, sometimes
differences can be a source of annoyance or frustration, but they can also be the source of entertainment, humor, and intrigue.
Learn the Importance of Acceptance I said that tolerance is an important facet of a good relationship, and it's true. However, while we should always tolerate harmless behaviors of significant others as a bare minimum, we should strive for something much better- acceptance. Acceptance is better than tolerance in many ways. For one, to "tolerate" something means that you are just "putting up" with it. That is usually a short-term scenario, as nobody "puts up" with grating behavior for long. Also, when you are merely tolerating somebody's personality, behavior, or quirks, it gives the impression that you are doing them a favor. "I'll be nice and tolerate you for now, don't you appreciate that?" Loving your significant other wholly and completely shouldn't be seen as a favor or as a charitable act. It should just be part of the relationship, period. When you accept the differences in your partner, you don't just put up with them, but you embrace them. It's a much better way to look at things, as it promotes positive feelings among you, encourages that love to grow, and sure, even banks you some Love Points, too. Furthermore, you can rest assured that there are some things that you do that your partner may not always be crazy about, either. Wouldn't you rather have them accept your quirks than merely tolerate them? If you are more accepting of your partner as a whole person, they will almost certainly show the same acceptance to you. As we keep saying when it comes to all things relationshiporiented, it's a two-way street.
You Loved Them Initially for Everything, Not Just Parts of Them I want to take a step back for a minute and repeat something that I said a few paragraphs ago: "Loving your significant other wholly and completely shouldn't be seen as a favor or as a charitable act." See those words? "Wholly and completely." Too often, as relationships mature (and hopefully grow) as we get to know each other better, we stop seeing the ones that we love as whole people, but instead as distinct parts. We often say that a person has different "sides" to them, but is that kind of thinking accurate? Do we just use such a term to reconcile the fact that a person who can do one thing (such as be kind and help a stranger) can also do something completely different (be rude or abrasive on a bad day)?
We should resist the urge to divide people into parts, and instead focus on loving them as a whole person, warts and all. The reason that this is so important is that when you start dividing people into parts, it becomes much easier to give into the temptation to start accepting or rejecting specific parts of them. It becomes very easy to get the mindset that you can "fix" the parts of them that you don't enjoy or agree with as much, like you would do with a car that doesn't run right. People aren't cars, and more often than not, you will be best off taking the person as a complete package. Accept the fact that if you continue to love your partner, you will likely have to put up with some quirks or differences that may annoy you or bother you. Accept the fact that these differences are unlikely to change, and if they do, it's a bonus- not something you should expect or be counting on. Furthermore, getting into a relationship with someone who you think of as a "fixer-upper" is dangerous, anyway. It can be tempting to get together with someone and ignore a glaring or even harmful flaw that is fundamental to their personality and who they are, hoping that you can help them change it. Again, people sometimes do change, but you shouldn't get in a relationship with someone if you don't appreciate who they are as a whole person at the current moment. I have talked at length about the merits of a deeper, long-term love vs. the obvious benefits of the early stages of white hot passion that come in the early days of a relationship. However, there are a lot of things that we can learn from the "honeymoon period", which is true in this case, as well. What I want for you to take away from the honeymoon period on the subject of accepting differences is that when you first got together, you likely didn't see your significant other as a collection of parts, but as a whole person. You loved and accepted them as a person, possibly even while knowing that there would one day be some things about them that weren't as pleasing to you as others. That's what we should aspire to, and that's an important key to lasting, healthy long-term relationships. People don't enjoy being pressured to change, particularly when the behavior or trait that they're being pressured to change is not a matter of right or wrong, but a simple matter of being different. When you send a message to your partner that they need to change and be more like you, you also send them the message that they aren't good enough for you. That's not how you build a relationship or allow love to be rekindled or grow.
