Ramona and Beezus
2
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” -William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
© Copyright 2012 Amanda Gorsche Miller
3
Prologue
Even if the black lace overlay on my dress were forgiving, the
June 15, 2011
cream-colored lined body of the dress is not – especially in the stomach. I’m only seventeen weeks pregnant but I’m showing so
I am about to walk a glamorous red carpet. For the first time in my
much sooner than I did with my first two children. And the dress
life.
isn’t even close to a maternity dress. It’s a body-hugging, kneelength couture gown priced at around ten-thousand dollars –
But I am totally normal. I swear it. I am the most regular person ...
borrowed from my famous husband’s stylist.
or at least I used to be. And up until a year ago, my life was about as boringly normal as you can imagine.
I hope you aren’t getting the wrong idea. I’m not some “Real Housewife,” fake from head to toe, who shops her life away. I’m
I’m not some big star and trust me, my utter normalcy is important
not a gold digger who married for money, and I never set out to
to this story. It’s going to help you understand how bizarre my
live this life.
current circumstances are. How dumbfounded I am by the shiny new black Lincoln Town Car I’m sitting in right now, stuck in traffic
To paint a clearer picture and emphasize why the current state of
on the I-10 East in Los Angeles, California, on my way to walk the
my life feels like an out-of-body experience, allow me to expand
red carpet at the premiere of my husband’s blockbuster movie.
upon what my “normal” used to be like.
I’m still not used to any of this. I don’t think you would be either.
Let’s start with the big picture: I’m thirty-one years old and was part of the middle class in suburban Chicago until about six
The designer lace dress I have on is so itchy. And the sequined
months ago. Now I’m part of the Hollywood elite and living in
six-inch heels are killing my feet, even though I’m not standing up.
Santa Monica, California. Although I’d met celebrities as a fan, I
I’ve got to kick them off and try to scratch this spot on my back.
never really knew anyone famous until I met my husband.
They say beauty is pain and I’m feeling it tonight – in a big way.
4
I get that these
remain the most important people in my world. But I was following
demographic descriptors
a path that’s been well traveled: Marrying your college sweetheart,
don’t necessarily paint a
having two healthy, cute kids and juggling all of the balls that come
picture of “normalcy.” But ...
with family life isn’t exactly headline-making news.
oh, I just looked down at my feet and they are
Yuck. The current state of my life makes that headline metaphor
swollen from being
gross, almost obscene. My old life wasn’t headline news and only
squeezed into my new
now do I realize how precious that normalcy and uneventful
Louboutin shoes – the most
existence was.
expensive shoes I’ve ever worn.
I thought I had everything I needed in Chicago – a successful career and husband, a nice house in the suburbs – until I met a
Now that I’ve kicked them off, I can feel my skin adjusting back to
gorgeous actor and decided to give it all up. Now that everything
its normal state. I’m learning that expensive designer shoes can
in my life has changed, I’m more confused than ever.
transform your feet when you stuff them inside, but when you release them, the illusion disappears.
When I first moved to L.A., I felt like I’d won the lottery, like I’d been given a second chance at life few “normal” people get. It’s
Where was I? Oh yeah – my old, normal life. I was living a pretty
easy to embrace the good fortune of being married to one of the
uneventful existence until one night almost a year ago that still
most handsome, rich and famous men in the world. But I couldn’t
seems surreal. Even now I have a hard time wrapping my head
foresee the baggage that came with it.
around everything that’s happened since then and how much my life has changed – how much I’ve changed.
How was I to know I would discover that everything I thought about celebrities, fame and Hollywood was a carefully crafted
Don’t take the word “uneventful” wrong. I loved my life in Chicago,
illusion? How could I have known that trying to live what seemed
for the most part. I loved my first husband – I still do. My children
like a dream would only succeed in creating a nightmare? 5
I know I don’t belong out here, but I’m trying to make it work. I’m just not sure I can. Especially if my precious children and the little one growing inside me are exploited to further my husband’s career. I don’t want to participate in this fame game – a game that commands you to lie, manipulate and destroy the lives of others before they do yours. But I do love my husband. And I’m going to have his baby. I can’t blame him for the horrible things I’ve learned about the business he’s in. I can’t blame him that our relationship put me in the middle of a scandal that shook Hollywood. Can I? I wonder sometimes, had I known the truth about his life that night in Chicago, would I have gotten involved with him? Would I have left my old life if I had known that what lie ahead was far from nonstop glamour and more about calculation, desperation and selling your dignity to the highest bidder? We’re here. I’ve got to go. “Operation: Hide My Mini Pregnant Belly” just kicked into full gear.
6
Chapter 1
I opened the door and the sounds of drumming and laughing
Saturday
enveloped me. I descended the carpeted stairs that wound down
May 15, 2010
to our finished basement.
“Ethan! Ethan!” I yelled from the top of the second-floor landing.
I came around the corner and saw what I was looking for right
“What did you do with Mommy’s hair brush?”
away. First – Ethan, and second – my hairbrush in his tiny hand.
No answer. “Ethan!” Still no answer.
Ethan loved to steal the large, wooden hairbrush out of my bathroom vanity and use it for all sorts of purposes that were
“David! Sela! Where are you guys? Hello?” I yelled.
never intended. One time I caught him using it as a hammer, another time as a miniature baseball bat and this time as a
Dammit, I was going to have to walk down to the basement,
drumstick. He had the brush turned around and was using the
which would make me later than I already was.
back of it to hit the front of the kick drum on his big sister’s drum set over and over.
Once I strained to listen, I could faintly hear Sela’s drum set. Somebody was hitting the little twelve inch kick drum over and
His seven-year-old sister, Sela, and my husband, David, were in
over. I could tell it was my five-year-old son, Ethan. He couldn’t
the adjacent living room watching the movie Ramona and Beezus
get enough of that kick drum and was indulging himself, big time.
and laughing together.
I stomped down the hardwood stairs to the first floor and walked
David is so good at watching the kids’ favorite cartoons and
down the Travertine-lined hallway to the entrance of the
movies with them. If I sit down to watch one of their shows, it’s
basement. The big, oak-paneled door was closed, and as a
tough for me not to multitask: making a grocery list, balancing the
consequence, not one of the six ears I was trying to reach could
checkbook, checking my email, the list goes on. I just can’t waste
hear me.
the time watching their shows and my favorite shows too.
7
“Ethan, will you stop that?” I asked in a slightly irritated tone. “I’m
“Ethan is sad I am going to Jenny’s party, and he needs some
trying to get ready for Jenny’s birthday party and you having my
love,” I hollered.
brush is slowing me down.” David walked into the room. My husband is just over six feet tall, “Where are you going Mom? I wanna go too!” Ethan cried out.
with a full head of brown hair. He keeps it short now but when we first met in college, it was shoulder-length and beautiful.
“Honey, Mommy is going out with her friends tonight,” I explained. “I never go out and spend time with my girlfriends and
Everyone said he looked like Kurt Cobain with brown hair back
it’s Jenny’s birthday. Remember my friend Jenny? She gave you
then. It must’ve been the aqua-blue eyes and the grunge-style
the PS3 for your birthday last year?”
clothes he often wore. Ratty cardigans, plaid flannel, ripped old jeans and combat boots were his wardrobe staples. We both
“Yeah, I remember but you always leave!” he yelled.
came of age in the nineties and were grunge disciples. That common bond first attracted us to each other.
“Ethan, that’s not true. I am always home sweetheart,” I said in a practical tone. “I take you to school every day and I pick you up
“Ethan, what’s wrong?” David asked gently.
from kindergarten every afternoon. I make you your snack, turn on your shows, I let you help me with dinner sometimes,” I
“Mom always has to leave and won’t take me with her.”
continued. Ethan’s aqua blue eyes that matched his daddy’s were welling “Daddy and I even took you and your sister to a movie today. We
with tears and he was starting to cry now. The guilt trip was in full
spend lots of time together.”
effect.
“So! I don’t want you to leave!” he cried.
“I feel bad Dave, should I still go?” I asked my husband.
“David! Can you help me out here?” I yelled into the other room
“Yes, Brandi. He will be fine,” David said. “He’ll move on to
as I grabbed my hairbrush from Ethan’s hand.
something else two seconds after you leave. Just go.” 8
I sighed. Ethan was definitely the baby of the family. He loved
I reached down and hugged Sela and planted a firm kiss on her
school and loved playing with his friends but he hated when
cheek. I ran my fingers through her long, straight brown hair that
David and I left and didn’t take him with us. I felt bad. I’ll give it to
fell to the middle of her back. She looked up to me with beautiful,
the kid – he knew exactly how to make me feel sorry for him and
hazel eyes and smiled.
want to reconsider my plans. “Be good for Daddy and hug Ethan if he gets sad,” I told her as I But David was right. He would be fine and I couldn’t miss Jenny’s
kissed her on the other pink cheek.
party. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year and once upon a time before a husband and kids, we were college roommates and
“I will, Mom, love you,” she said as she turned back to watch
inseparable. She was home from L.A. for her thirtieth birthday
Ramona and Beezus.
party and it was a huge deal. I could not miss it. I’d seen this part of the movie before. Poor Ramona makes I walked into the living room where Sela was intently focused on
herself a princess crown of burrs and her dad, played by John
her movie.
Corbett, hacks away at her poor straw-like hair with scissors to get them all out.
“Sela, sweetheart, I am getting ready to go to Jenny’s party,” I told her. “I love you very much and you have a good night with
“Love you too, sweetie.” I said and walked back to the game
Daddy and your brother.”
room where David was distracting Ethan with Sela’s drum set.
She turned around. “OK, Mom.” She paused.
“Bye guys. I love you, Ethan.”
“Wow, Mom, you look so pretty! Is that dress new?” she asked.
I reached down, picked him up by the armpits of his vintage Star Wars t-shirt and hoisted him onto my hip. I looked into his
“Thank you, honey, it’s not new. I just haven’t worn it in a long
beautiful blue eyes while I held him around the waist.
time.” I thought back. I hadn’t worn the silver sequined, short dress since my last trip to Las Vegas with David and our neighbors. 9
“You have fun tonight honey, and Mommy will see you in the
I ran the mascara brush over my lashes one last time and stared
morning when you wake up,” I said sweetly and kissed his fluffy,
at my caramel brown eyes. I’d been called doe-eyed as a kid
blonde hair.
because of my large, brown saucer-shaped eyes. I never understood what it meant until my Mom gave me a baby animals
“OK, Mom,” he sniffled. He was trying so hard to be a big boy.
book explaining that a doe was a female deer. Realizing I was being compared to a deer didn’t really make the comparison less
“You are Mommy’s big boy,” I said encouragingly. “Practice your
confusing.
drums and watch a movie.” I stood up and looked in the full-length mirror in the corner of my I set him down and grabbed David on the upper part of his
room. Sela was right, Mommy did look pretty tonight. I was
muscled arm and kissed him on the cheek.
putting forth a maximum effort. Going into the city provided a rare opportunity to get dressed up and I went all out with the silver
“Bye, honey,” I said. “I just need to brush my hair and I’m outta
dress, black heels along with perfect hair and makeup. The dress
here. The party’s at the House of Blues downtown. I shouldn’t be
was a size six and I felt lucky to be in it after two kids. It was a
gone that long and if I am, I’ll cab it home.”
little tight at the bust but hugged my toned body at the waist and backside nicely.
“Sounds good. Have fun and don’t worry about us,” David said. “Will do. Bye guys,” I said as I turned and jogged up the stairs.
I was fawning over myself enough. It was a thrill to be out of my usual lounging threads I wore most days, but I was getting
I needed to brush out my light brown curls that fell past my
distracted trying to look perfect.
shoulders in soft waves. When I was younger, I was forever attached to a hair straightener. Once I had children, I didn’t have
I looked at the clock and gasped. I was already going to be late
the time to mess with the straightener and decided to embrace
but was pushing it to being rudely late now. Friday night traffic
my curls. I sat in front of my vanity and slowly pulled the
into the city could be brutal and I needed to hurry. I was excited
hairbrush through my hair to give it some extra bounce.
to see Jenny, have a drink or two and just relax.
10
⌘
preschool and elementary school took up the majority of my time. But I was lucky Lurman allowed me to continue building my
“I want your love, and I want your revenge. You and me could
career.
write a bad romance. Oh, caught in a bad romance.” “I want your love. Love, love, love, I want your love,” I sang with I was singing full-voiced to the Lady Gaga song Bad Romance,
Gaga as I went through a mental checklist to make sure I hadn’t
as I drove my silver, Honda Pilot down Michigan Avenue toward
forgotten anything.
the House of Blues. I started laughing when I remembered how Sela asked me why the words to the song went “I want your ugly,
I had my purse – a black, sparkly clutch that couldn’t hold more
I want your disease.”
than my phone, credit cards and lipstick, Jenny’s present (a pair of red, sparkly Mary Jane’s she pinned on Pinterest as loving) and
It was difficult explaining to a seven-year-old that Lady Gaga
my black spring coat. Did I turn off the TV in my bedroom? I
meant she wanted every part of the lover she was singing to – all
wondered to myself. It didn’t matter. David would eventually make
the good and all the bad.
his way up there if I left it on.
Even when I was trying to get away from Mom duties and have
I was watching one of my favorite celebrity “news” shows, as I
fun with friends, I couldn’t help but think about the kids. They
was getting ready for the evening. Actually, I was listening to it as
were my entire life and had been since David and I got pregnant
I put on my makeup.
eight years earlier. When I made my final trip upstairs with my found hairbrush, they After Sela was born, I gave up working full-time to work from
were covering a nasty celeb divorce. It caught my attention
home. The ad agency I worked for was desperate enough to keep
because the subject of the divorce was a young movie star I
me on the Corwin account and agreed to let me work part-time
always paid attention to. His name was Paul Nuys and he was my
from home. I stayed on with The Lurman Group and on the
age and from Chicago.
Corwin account but my kids were my primary focus. Working at home through teething, crawling, walking, and then activities,
He actually was at Northwestern at the same time as David and me, but only for a semester. We never knew him but I was always 11
more interested in his career and love life since he was a guy from
He had a couple of high-profile relationships with starlets that
home and my alma mater.
upped his star factor even more and eventually married another beautiful celebrity. That marriage was now coming to an end and
His road to fame was well known to Chicagoans and the rest of
he was taking a beating in the press. It sounded like he might
the celeb-obsessed set. The story went that he was just a regular
deserve it.
college student who got cast through an open call as an extra in a low-budget movie being made in the city. When the indie horror
His ex, Melody Ray, accused him of having a wandering eye and
flick became the top-grossing film of 1999, Paul packed up and
cheating on her multiple times. The celeb news host was
headed to Hollywood.
guessing the couple’s inability to have children added to the stress of the marriage. No one knew if they even tried to have
His had been a Cinderella story of sorts, as the lives of movie
children, but I guess the show felt it was safe to assume they
stars often are. He was cast in a pilot for a television show that
must’ve wanted them.
was a modern-day version of Welcome Back Kotter, called Helmand’s High, that took off.
A celebrity public relations consultant was interviewed about the damage done to Paul’s good guy image by the cheating
Struggling actors and actresses star in multiple pilots per year
allegations. He said if he counseled Paul, he would advise him to
that are never picked up. It’s akin to winning the lottery when a
stay out of the public eye for a while and then come back and
pilot gets green-lighted to become a series the way Paul’s
revitalize his image.
Helmand’s High had. How weird would it be to have your relationship and image A weekly series is a highly coveted gig for a working actor
dissected by “experts” who never met you? I couldn’t imagine.
because it brings regular pay and frequent exposure. Paul rode
But I was definitely game to discuss all of the details with Jenny
the Helmand’s High wave of success for six years as the high
at her party. I could always count on my best friend to indulge my
school jock, who then goes on to college.
celeb obsession and it was an especially lively discussion when it was about someone from home who made it big.
Paul had been able to parlay his small-screen success into bigscreen success, unlike most of his compatriots from Helmand’s. 12
I pulled into the House of Blues’ parking lot and decided I was
chatting away. Jenny noticed someone enter the balcony and
going to valet the car. It was a cool, spring night and the wind
looked my way.
blowing off of Lake Michigan was chilly. “Brandi!” she squealed as she ran over to embrace me. I brought my spring coat but wearing it completely ruined the
I dropped my purse and present, wrapped my arms around her
effect of my sequined dress. I would just leave it in the car, jump
tiny waist and squeezed tight.
out and run inside the club. Jenny looked beautiful and had gotten the memo about going all I walked inside with my sparkling clutch and Jenny’s present
out. Her straight, blonde hair was highlighted and swept her
wrapped in white, shiny paper with a hot pink bow. I could see
waist. She painted silver glitter on her eyelids that made her blue
the multi-colored party balloons on the balcony and made my
eyes pop. Jenny was at least five inches taller than me at five
way over to the staircase that led upstairs to the private party.
feet, ten inches and her heels were putting her over six feet tall tonight.
It was only 7 p.m. and there weren’t many people in the bar area and the band hadn’t taken the stage yet. A karaoke band was
“Brandi, you’re late,” my friend Heather said sweetly as she
playing and our plan was to party upstairs and then hit the floor
walked over with a glass of what I knew would be my favorite
with the band later on.
champagne. “You need to catch up,” she said as she handed me the glass.
Two young men at the bar turned and looked at me as I surveyed the area. I glanced their way and then continued toward the
I took the glass and a hearty drink of the sweet, bubbly drink.
stairs. They looked sort of cute from far away but no matter, I had
“Happy Birthday, Mama!” I said to Jenny.
a party to get to. I made my way up the stairs and walked onto the balcony. Balloon bouquets topped five high bar tables and a long table at the end of the room held presents. About fifteen women, including Jenny, were gathered at the tables – drinks in hand, 13
Chapter 2
Once I came off the stage, my girls were all around me, drunkenly
Sunday
congratulating me on the performance. My head was spinning
May 16, 2010
and I was surprised I sang as well as I did with all of the champagne I drank. I told the girls I needed a giant water and I
I cheated on my husband that night. It wasn’t a full-on cheat, it
made my way to the bar to get one.
was just a kiss, but I felt awful the next day. I felt so guilty it made my stomach sick; sicker than it already was after too much
I grabbed the only open seat and asked the bartender for an ice
champagne.
water. As I was sitting and reliving my time on the stage in my head, I heard a man’s voice next to me say, “You’ve got a
Thinking back on the way the night started – I never thought it
beautiful voice.”
would turn out the way it did. I was so focused on Jenny’s party and getting there on time, that once I got there, I drank too much
“Thank you so much,” I started to say as I turned my head to look
champagne, too fast, to relax from the tension of my drive.
at the nice stranger when the word “thank” froze in my mouth. I stared into the face of the man sitting next to me and instantly
Later on, when the band took the stage at the House of Blues,
recognized him. I knew every curve of his handsome, chiseled
and asked for karaoke singers, I was more than ready to oblige.
face. He had a Cubs baseball cap pulled down low on his
It’s not like I’m shy anyway. I love to sing. In fact, I used to sing in
forehead but I could still see his big, green eyes. I was staring into
a band with David in college, called Bone Yard.
the face of Chicago’s very own Paul Nuys.
Having kids relegated my singing to the shower and the car, but I
I was still staring and hadn’t finished my thank you. Get it
couldn’t resist the stage that night. I have to admit – I got up there
together, girl! I told myself.
and killed it. I sang a blues version of the Michael Jackson song The Way You Make Me Feel and the crowd, along with the band,
I stuttered on the “thank” for a moment but managed to get out
loved it. I’ve always gotten complimented on my voice and
“Thanks very much.” That was all I had. Back to staring silently.
singing is like therapy for me.
Mustering a smile, I tried not to show how much I was freaking out in my head. 14
“I saw you earlier,” he said.
he’s a regular person. Try your hardest to have a normal conversation with him.
“Oh really?” I was dumbfounded. “So, why are you here tonight?” I asked. Kind of lame, I thought. I had no idea what he was talking about and was trying so very
Appropriate question though, I supposed.
hard to play it cool. I kept telling myself not to act like some pathetic fan – even though I was. Was Paul Nuys really saying he
“I’m just chilling out, visiting home and seeing my family,” he said.
noticed me earlier in the night? Could this be real?
“I saw a lot of great shows here in college and felt like reminiscing.”
“Yeah, you came in earlier with a big present, right?” he asked. “I remember your dress.”
“Oh, cool. Where did you go to college?” Apparently I was going to move forward with acting like I didn’t know who he was.
He had seen me earlier? And he remembered my dress!? He must’ve been one of the two guys I saw at the bar when I first got
“Northwestern, but I dropped out,” he said.
here. “I went to Northwestern too,” I remarked. “I’m here for my friend’s birthday tonight.” I said. I was succeeding in calming myself and playing this cool. Not too Again, I had nothing else. It was as if I could only speak if I was
excited, not too interested. I was remembering how I used to talk
spoken to. But I couldn’t be that lame! I was cooler than this,
to boys in college before David and I were an item. I was always
dammit! I searched my brain for something to say. What could I
aloof and in turn typically couldn’t resist an aloof boy who acted
ask him?
like he had no interest in me. That’s how David won my heart.
Should I ask about his divorce? No! That would be a big mistake!
“Really? When did you graduate?” he asked. Shit, I said in my
Should I act like I don’t know who he is? Possibly. You don’t have
head. I knew this information would reveal my age.
to lie and say you don’t know him, I told myself. But just act like 15
Should I lie? I thought to myself. I’m thirty and it’s definitely not old, I told myself. But I couldn’t deny I wanted to remain twenty-
“Yes, I recognize you. But your secret’s safe with me,” I said
eight forever. I’ve taken good care of myself and people always
reassuringly. “I’m not the type to cause a scene and I don’t want
think I’m still in my twenties so I could totally get away with it. I
to make you feel weird. I really appreciate your compliment and
can’t lie though, I quickly decided. That’s so pathetic.
hope you have a good night.”
“2002,” I said. “Great school.”
That was good. I was coming to my senses. I remembered the abuse he was taking in the press over his recent divorce. He said
“That’s when I was supposed to graduate,” he said. “But I
he was home to chill and see his family. He obviously just wanted
decided to pursue something different.”
to feel like a normal person and relax, which I somehow understood. I smiled at him, picked up my water and started to
Crap. Should I acknowledge I know who he is now? Acting like I
get out of my seat.
didn’t know him was getting weird and making me more nervous. “Hey, don’t feel like you have to take off,” he said. “I think I know you,” I said. He looked a little less nervous now. I set his mind at ease by I was going for it. Even if it ruined the conversation. At the very
letting him know I wouldn’t make a scene about his presence. I
least, I could ask for a photo with him to add to my celeb photo
was definitely not asking him for a photo. Not cool right now. It
encounter collection. This pretending stuff was making me
made me wonder if it was ever really cool to ask a celebrity for a
crazed.
photo.
“Oh yeah?” he said.
“I kind of need to get back to my friends,” I said and looked over my shoulder at my girls.
His eyes told me he’d been down this road before. I could sense
They were dancing to the band’s rendition of the B52s’ Love
him getting a little uncomfortable. His hat, his slouched posture
Shack. The guy singing was actually really good. My girls were
and his t-shirt and jeans screamed “I don’t want to be
completely preoccupied and not missing me yet.
recognized!” 16
I decided to sit back down. “They look like they’re having fun,” I
In my dreams of Paul, the scenario was always the same. I was in
said. “I guess I could stay a bit longer.”
love with him and was trying to convince him he should be in love with me too. He was always out of reach though, aloof to the
The moment when I could’ve walked away and joined the dance
extreme and never interested. If I could somehow convince him to
party with my friends was a pivotal moment in my life, but the
take a chance on me in my dreams, it was always short-lived.
decision to stay at the bar was made without drama or hesitation. I read a dream interpretation book once that said having dreams Life’s interesting in that way. Sometimes we obsess over
about celebrities means you have a healthy self-esteem. It didn’t
decisions that have a minimal effect on our lives – weighing the
have an interpretation for what it meant if that celebrity was
pros and cons in an effort to make the best decision possible.
rejecting you in the dream.
Then minor decisions, like the route we take to the post office, can change our lives forever depending on what we encounter
I felt connected to Paul and I didn’t even know him. I suppose
along the way.
that happens with celebrities. So much of their lives are out for public consumption that you end up knowing everything about
The truth was, I didn’t want to leave Paul at the bar. I had no
them and then feeling like you actually know them, even though
interest in going back to my friends at that moment. This man’s
you don’t.
pull was palpable and for the first time in my life, I really understood the word “charisma.”
That’s the trick though. The Hollywood masterminds have been doing it since the days of Hedda Hopper’s Hollywood. They lead
I won’t discount the star-struck factor either. Having a real-life
all of us suckers to believe we know the people we see on the big
super star sitting next to you, acknowledging you, and wanting to
screens. They divulge just enough details, the right details, about
chit-chat, isn’t really something you can resist.
celebrity lives to make them seem somehow attainable, somehow normal. The more we buy the illusion that we know them, that
But it was more than that. I had dreamt of Paul before. True – I
they’re just like us, the more we cheer for their successes and
dreamt of many celebrities and many people, places and things in
even failures. And most importantly, we buy tickets and tune in.
my life. But Paul had been the subject of many dreams. 17
This whole trick is a delicate balance though. Divulge too much,
dumb about the divorce. That was just too uncomfortable to get
and your star is perceived as an overexposed hack. Divulge too
into.
little, and fans forget, which means they stop caring and investing in the star’s success. This formula works, but it also creates
I told him I was married and had two children. I had on a wedding
obsessed fans who learn every detail of their favorite star and
ring after all – there was no hiding it. I noticed he wasn’t wearing a
lose the ability to separate the illusion from reality. It’s the stuff
wedding ring anymore. He was impressed that I had kids and
stalkers are made of, and I was most certainly not a stalker or
wanted to know their ages and names. It was sweet. He said he
even an obsessed fan.
hoped to have kids someday. That was a little sad, considering his current situation.
I just had a soft spot in my heart for the guy because he was from my hometown and hit the big time. It didn’t hurt that he was an
I started thinking about the celeb news show I was watching
incredibly attractive man – tall, lean and muscled with beautiful,
earlier. I remembered how they were talking about his divorce and
big green eyes. In interviews, he always seemed like a cool,
making it so salacious as they probed into why the marriage
humble guy who remembered where he came from. And the guy
didn’t work.
sitting in front of me seemed to fit that bill. The man sitting in front of me was obviously hurting and came I sat down with my water and we started talking. He asked me
home to recuperate. He needed a friend and someone to talk to.
about my singing. I asked him about his acting. It was a little
The fact that he was willing to take the chance on talking to
weird to ask him, “What’s your next movie?” but I went with it. I
someone he didn’t know surprised me. Everyone’s heard about
just kept telling myself he was a regular guy with an extraordinary
the friends, family members and employees who turn on
job.
celebrities and sell them out to the press for fame or money.
We chatted back and forth quite easily. We talked a lot about
Was he really that desperate to talk to someone that he would
Chicago, Northwestern and growing up in the Midwest. He said
risk a stranger airing his dirty laundry or any bit of information
living in Los Angeles was like living on another planet and he
about him to the highest bidder? Or did he just trust me?
longed for home for years. He said he had been married and his wife was from L.A., so they didn’t get back very often. I played 18
Don’t go there, I told myself. This is real life – he has no reason to
Cue freaking out inside my head again. He wanted to ask me out?
trust you because he doesn’t even know you. This guy is sad,
There’s no way. This can’t be right. I thought of myself as pretty
maybe even a little pathetic. He would’ve talked to the first kind,
and had been told I was beautiful but I wasn’t pretty in the
pretty face that sat next to him. It has nothing to do with you.
traditional Barbie doll way – especially in college. I had a small, refined nose, decent sized lips and big brown eyes.
“It makes sense that you went to Northwestern,” he said. At the grocery store last week, the cashier told me I looked like “Oh really, why?” I asked.
the actress Emmy Rossum. I took it as a serious compliment, considering Emmy is quite a bit younger than me and incredibly
“Because I felt like I recognized you when you walked in earlier
attractive. A few years back, one of David’s coworkers said I
tonight,” he said.
looked like the actress Michelle Monaghan. The former
Wait a second, he recognized me? This wasn’t making sense. My
midwesterner was discovered in Chicago and again, I took the
mind started to scramble again, making words difficult to get out.
comparison as a huge compliment.
“You’re kidding,” I said, a little shocked. “Maybe we saw each
But back in college, I was always dying my naturally brown hair
other on campus, or we could’ve had a class together, I
different colors, wearing funky clothes and generally acting like I
suppose.”
didn’t care. The woman I became was a little less funky and definitely more polished. I didn’t wear baggy sweaters and jeans
We went through our freshman courses. Since he was only there
anymore and always made sure my hair and makeup were on
for one semester, it wasn’t hard to figure out that we didn’t have
point.
any classes together. “It’s hard to imagine you lacking the courage to ask a girl out,” I “I must’ve seen you around campus,” he said. “I remember you, I
retorted. I loved this about me right now. Freak out on the inside,
know I do. I probably wanted to ask you out but never got up the
but cool on the outside.
courage.” “You didn’t know me then. I was young and didn’t have the most confidence,” he said. 19
gathered on the other side. Jenny was the one screaming and it “Oh, that makes sense.” I didn’t know what else to say.
looked like some sort of a fight was about to ensue.
Truth be told, I kind of felt like a jerk. I guess I had sort of
As I jumped out of my chair, bouncers descended on the women
insinuated he was a cocky asshole with my retort. Trying to play it
and started yelling at them to stop. One grabbed Jenny by the
cool can bite you back.
arm and started to escort her, along with a few women from the other group, out of the House of Blues.
“Well, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” I said. I was trying to back-pedal and take a softer approach. “You were meant to go
“Shit. Those are my friends,” I said to Paul. “I’ve got to go.”
on to become a big star and I was meant to become a Mom.” “Let me come with you,” he said. “Maybe I can help.” “That’s true. But it feels like we were meant to eventually meet,” he said.
I was feeling a little more sober by now and felt like I could handle acting professional and diplomatic with the bouncers.
He was staring at me with his gorgeous green eyes. He had flawless white teeth and tanned, smooth skin like I’d never seen.
“Excuse me guys,” I said, as Paul and I walked up to the
This man was truly a beautiful specimen and was definitely hitting
bouncers.
on me. Jenny and the women from the other group were getting ejected. But then my awe was interrupted by a loud female voice.
I pointed at Jenny, “This is my friend and it’s her birthday, does she have to go?”
“You bitch!” I heard a woman scream from across the room.
“Yes, we don’t tolerate any fighting here,” said the bouncer holding her arm. “She is done and these ladies are out of here
I suddenly felt so guilty about the last half hour I spent talking
too,” he said, motioning to the women from the other crew.
with Paul that I was sure that woman was screaming at me. I turned around and saw Jenny and the rest of my girls gathered to
I couldn’t help but notice the bouncer bore a striking resemblance
one side of the dance floor, while another group of women
to Tony Soprano, played by the actor James Gandolfini. I was 20
always doing this – finding features of people’s faces that
People magazine. Paul rendered her speechless with his mere
reminded me of famous people.
presence, which was exactly what needed to happen.
Any hope I had of convincing Mr. Soprano that Jenny should stay,
She just stared at him with her mouth agape. This gave me the
died the next moment when she screamed, “This fucking bitch
chance to jump in with Mr. Soprano.
bumped into me and refused to apologize!” “Please don’t call the cops, she’s done,” I said. “Let us get her She was really drunk and slurring her words. This was bad.
out of here and get her home. There won’t be any more
“Lady, you better calm down or we’re calling the cops,” Tony
problems.”
Soprano said. By now the other bouncers had escorted the “fucking bitch” “Fuck you! Call the cops, asshole!” Jenny screamed.
women, as Jenny called them, out a different exit and all of our friends were gathered around Jenny. They weren’t paying
“Jenny, stop!” I said firmly. “This is not you. Stop. Now!”
attention to Paul or me as we talked with Tony, the bouncer. I left Paul and walked over to Jenny and the other girls.
Her eyes were wild. I remembered seeing her like this in college, but not since. She was pissed and there wasn’t going to be any
“Heather, can you cab it with Jenny back to the hotel?” I asked.
calming her down. I was the only halfway sober one in the group and there would be Paul stepped up behind me and got close to Jenny. He pulled his
no need for me to take a cab and have to deal with getting my car
hat up a little so she could see his eyes.
from the city tomorrow. Another half an hour, more water and I
“Jenny,” he said gently. “It’s your birthday, beautiful. Don’t do this.
would be good to go.
These guys aren’t going to back down. You’re far too pretty to end up in jail tonight.”
“No problem, Bran,” Heather said. “Where were you?”
Jenny instantly recognized Paul and was shell-shocked. She was as celeb-obsessed as I was and never missed her weekly issue of 21
“I was at the bar for a bit but I stopped drinking a while ago. I’m
I started to feel like a bad person, like a bad wife and like a bad
going to drive home after I chill a little longer and guzzle more
mother. What was I doing? What was I thinking? It was as if Paul
water,” I said.
entranced me. I should’ve left with the girls but I worked to convince Heather I was totally fine and had a plan in place that
“Are you sure you’re OK to drive?” Heather asked.
would get me home safe. Now I wasn’t so sure.
“Yeah, I will leave in a little bit but I am totally fine. Just get Jenny
I didn’t take time to consider that Paul knew his power and might
to the hotel and I’ll call you guys in the morning. Let’s do brunch
be able to use it to his advantage with star-struck women like
at Sarki’s like we used to,” I said.
myself. But I really didn’t care. I drank a lot of champagne and was going with my most primal instincts that didn’t consider
Heather was an old college friend of Jenny’s and a cute lady. Her
loyalty or morality.
dyed orange, pixie haircut fit perfectly with her small, elfin features. Heather was more Jenny’s friend than mine, but was a
When would a chance like this ever present itself again? I quickly
nice girl. We just never hit it off in a big way, but were cordial and
asked myself. I made my decision as easily as I made the
friendly with each other.
decision to stay at the bar and talk to Paul earlier. I wasn’t going anywhere.
“OK, drive careful and we’ll talk in the morning,” she said and turned to leave with Jenny who was still staring in stunned silence. There would be a lot of questions to answer in the morning if my friends could remember anything. I turned around and walked back to Paul. At that moment, things got kind of weird. I just sent my friends, who I came with, home. And I was planning to stay longer with a gorgeous, intriguing man who wasn’t my husband. 22
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” -William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
© Copyright 2012 Amanda Gorsche Miller
3
Prologue
Even if the black lace overlay on my dress were forgiving, the
June 15, 2011
cream-colored lined body of the dress is not – especially in the stomach. I’m only seventeen weeks pregnant but I’m showing so
I am about to walk a glamorous red carpet. For the first time in my
much sooner than I did with my first two children. And the dress
life.
isn’t even close to a maternity dress. It’s a body-hugging, kneelength couture gown priced at around ten-thousand dollars –
But I am totally normal. I swear it. I am the most regular person ...
borrowed from my famous husband’s stylist.
or at least I used to be. And up until a year ago, my life was about as boringly normal as you can imagine.
I hope you aren’t getting the wrong idea. I’m not some “Real Housewife,” fake from head to toe, who shops her life away. I’m
I’m not some big star and trust me, my utter normalcy is important
not a gold digger who married for money, and I never set out to
to this story. It’s going to help you understand how bizarre my
live this life.
current circumstances are. How dumbfounded I am by the shiny new black Lincoln Town Car I’m sitting in right now, stuck in traffic
To paint a clearer picture and emphasize why the current state of
on the I-10 East in Los Angeles, California, on my way to walk the
my life feels like an out-of-body experience, allow me to expand
red carpet at the premiere of my husband’s blockbuster movie.
upon what my “normal” used to be like.
I’m still not used to any of this. I don’t think you would be either.
Let’s start with the big picture: I’m thirty-one years old and was part of the middle class in suburban Chicago until about six
The designer lace dress I have on is so itchy. And the sequined
months ago. Now I’m part of the Hollywood elite and living in
six-inch heels are killing my feet, even though I’m not standing up.
Santa Monica, California. Although I’d met celebrities as a fan, I
I’ve got to kick them off and try to scratch this spot on my back.
never really knew anyone famous until I met my husband.
They say beauty is pain and I’m feeling it tonight – in a big way.
4
I get that these
remain the most important people in my world. But I was following
demographic descriptors
a path that’s been well traveled: Marrying your college sweetheart,
don’t necessarily paint a
having two healthy, cute kids and juggling all of the balls that come
picture of “normalcy.” But ...
with family life isn’t exactly headline-making news.
oh, I just looked down at my feet and they are
Yuck. The current state of my life makes that headline metaphor
swollen from being
gross, almost obscene. My old life wasn’t headline news and only
squeezed into my new
now do I realize how precious that normalcy and uneventful
Louboutin shoes – the most
existence was.
expensive shoes I’ve ever worn.
I thought I had everything I needed in Chicago – a successful career and husband, a nice house in the suburbs – until I met a
Now that I’ve kicked them off, I can feel my skin adjusting back to
gorgeous actor and decided to give it all up. Now that everything
its normal state. I’m learning that expensive designer shoes can
in my life has changed, I’m more confused than ever.
transform your feet when you stuff them inside, but when you release them, the illusion disappears.
When I first moved to L.A., I felt like I’d won the lottery, like I’d been given a second chance at life few “normal” people get. It’s
Where was I? Oh yeah – my old, normal life. I was living a pretty
easy to embrace the good fortune of being married to one of the
uneventful existence until one night almost a year ago that still
most handsome, rich and famous men in the world. But I couldn’t
seems surreal. Even now I have a hard time wrapping my head
foresee the baggage that came with it.
around everything that’s happened since then and how much my life has changed – how much I’ve changed.
How was I to know I would discover that everything I thought about celebrities, fame and Hollywood was a carefully crafted
Don’t take the word “uneventful” wrong. I loved my life in Chicago,
illusion? How could I have known that trying to live what seemed
for the most part. I loved my first husband – I still do. My children
like a dream would only succeed in creating a nightmare? 5
I know I don’t belong out here, but I’m trying to make it work. I’m just not sure I can. Especially if my precious children and the little one growing inside me are exploited to further my husband’s career. I don’t want to participate in this fame game – a game that commands you to lie, manipulate and destroy the lives of others before they do yours. But I do love my husband. And I’m going to have his baby. I can’t blame him for the horrible things I’ve learned about the business he’s in. I can’t blame him that our relationship put me in the middle of a scandal that shook Hollywood. Can I? I wonder sometimes, had I known the truth about his life that night in Chicago, would I have gotten involved with him? Would I have left my old life if I had known that what lie ahead was far from nonstop glamour and more about calculation, desperation and selling your dignity to the highest bidder? We’re here. I’ve got to go. “Operation: Hide My Mini Pregnant Belly” just kicked into full gear.
6
Chapter 1
I opened the door and the sounds of drumming and laughing
Saturday
enveloped me. I descended the carpeted stairs that wound down
May 15, 2010
to our finished basement.
“Ethan! Ethan!” I yelled from the top of the second-floor landing.
I came around the corner and saw what I was looking for right
“What did you do with Mommy’s hair brush?”
away. First – Ethan, and second – my hairbrush in his tiny hand.
No answer. “Ethan!” Still no answer.
Ethan loved to steal the large, wooden hairbrush out of my bathroom vanity and use it for all sorts of purposes that were
“David! Sela! Where are you guys? Hello?” I yelled.
never intended. One time I caught him using it as a hammer, another time as a miniature baseball bat and this time as a
Dammit, I was going to have to walk down to the basement,
drumstick. He had the brush turned around and was using the
which would make me later than I already was.
back of it to hit the front of the kick drum on his big sister’s drum set over and over.
Once I strained to listen, I could faintly hear Sela’s drum set. Somebody was hitting the little twelve inch kick drum over and
His seven-year-old sister, Sela, and my husband, David, were in
over. I could tell it was my five-year-old son, Ethan. He couldn’t
the adjacent living room watching the movie Ramona and Beezus
get enough of that kick drum and was indulging himself, big time.
and laughing together.
I stomped down the hardwood stairs to the first floor and walked
David is so good at watching the kids’ favorite cartoons and
down the Travertine-lined hallway to the entrance of the
movies with them. If I sit down to watch one of their shows, it’s
basement. The big, oak-paneled door was closed, and as a
tough for me not to multitask: making a grocery list, balancing the
consequence, not one of the six ears I was trying to reach could
checkbook, checking my email, the list goes on. I just can’t waste
hear me.
the time watching their shows and my favorite shows too.
7
“Ethan, will you stop that?” I asked in a slightly irritated tone. “I’m
“Ethan is sad I am going to Jenny’s party, and he needs some
trying to get ready for Jenny’s birthday party and you having my
love,” I hollered.
brush is slowing me down.” David walked into the room. My husband is just over six feet tall, “Where are you going Mom? I wanna go too!” Ethan cried out.
with a full head of brown hair. He keeps it short now but when we first met in college, it was shoulder-length and beautiful.
“Honey, Mommy is going out with her friends tonight,” I explained. “I never go out and spend time with my girlfriends and
Everyone said he looked like Kurt Cobain with brown hair back
it’s Jenny’s birthday. Remember my friend Jenny? She gave you
then. It must’ve been the aqua-blue eyes and the grunge-style
the PS3 for your birthday last year?”
clothes he often wore. Ratty cardigans, plaid flannel, ripped old jeans and combat boots were his wardrobe staples. We both
“Yeah, I remember but you always leave!” he yelled.
came of age in the nineties and were grunge disciples. That common bond first attracted us to each other.
“Ethan, that’s not true. I am always home sweetheart,” I said in a practical tone. “I take you to school every day and I pick you up
“Ethan, what’s wrong?” David asked gently.
from kindergarten every afternoon. I make you your snack, turn on your shows, I let you help me with dinner sometimes,” I
“Mom always has to leave and won’t take me with her.”
continued. Ethan’s aqua blue eyes that matched his daddy’s were welling “Daddy and I even took you and your sister to a movie today. We
with tears and he was starting to cry now. The guilt trip was in full
spend lots of time together.”
effect.
“So! I don’t want you to leave!” he cried.
“I feel bad Dave, should I still go?” I asked my husband.
“David! Can you help me out here?” I yelled into the other room
“Yes, Brandi. He will be fine,” David said. “He’ll move on to
as I grabbed my hairbrush from Ethan’s hand.
something else two seconds after you leave. Just go.” 8
I sighed. Ethan was definitely the baby of the family. He loved
I reached down and hugged Sela and planted a firm kiss on her
school and loved playing with his friends but he hated when
cheek. I ran my fingers through her long, straight brown hair that
David and I left and didn’t take him with us. I felt bad. I’ll give it to
fell to the middle of her back. She looked up to me with beautiful,
the kid – he knew exactly how to make me feel sorry for him and
hazel eyes and smiled.
want to reconsider my plans. “Be good for Daddy and hug Ethan if he gets sad,” I told her as I But David was right. He would be fine and I couldn’t miss Jenny’s
kissed her on the other pink cheek.
party. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year and once upon a time before a husband and kids, we were college roommates and
“I will, Mom, love you,” she said as she turned back to watch
inseparable. She was home from L.A. for her thirtieth birthday
Ramona and Beezus.
party and it was a huge deal. I could not miss it. I’d seen this part of the movie before. Poor Ramona makes I walked into the living room where Sela was intently focused on
herself a princess crown of burrs and her dad, played by John
her movie.
Corbett, hacks away at her poor straw-like hair with scissors to get them all out.
“Sela, sweetheart, I am getting ready to go to Jenny’s party,” I told her. “I love you very much and you have a good night with
“Love you too, sweetie.” I said and walked back to the game
Daddy and your brother.”
room where David was distracting Ethan with Sela’s drum set.
She turned around. “OK, Mom.” She paused.
“Bye guys. I love you, Ethan.”
“Wow, Mom, you look so pretty! Is that dress new?” she asked.
I reached down, picked him up by the armpits of his vintage Star Wars t-shirt and hoisted him onto my hip. I looked into his
“Thank you, honey, it’s not new. I just haven’t worn it in a long
beautiful blue eyes while I held him around the waist.
time.” I thought back. I hadn’t worn the silver sequined, short dress since my last trip to Las Vegas with David and our neighbors. 9
“You have fun tonight honey, and Mommy will see you in the
I ran the mascara brush over my lashes one last time and stared
morning when you wake up,” I said sweetly and kissed his fluffy,
at my caramel brown eyes. I’d been called doe-eyed as a kid
blonde hair.
because of my large, brown saucer-shaped eyes. I never understood what it meant until my Mom gave me a baby animals
“OK, Mom,” he sniffled. He was trying so hard to be a big boy.
book explaining that a doe was a female deer. Realizing I was being compared to a deer didn’t really make the comparison less
“You are Mommy’s big boy,” I said encouragingly. “Practice your
confusing.
drums and watch a movie.” I stood up and looked in the full-length mirror in the corner of my I set him down and grabbed David on the upper part of his
room. Sela was right, Mommy did look pretty tonight. I was
muscled arm and kissed him on the cheek.
putting forth a maximum effort. Going into the city provided a rare opportunity to get dressed up and I went all out with the silver
“Bye, honey,” I said. “I just need to brush my hair and I’m outta
dress, black heels along with perfect hair and makeup. The dress
here. The party’s at the House of Blues downtown. I shouldn’t be
was a size six and I felt lucky to be in it after two kids. It was a
gone that long and if I am, I’ll cab it home.”
little tight at the bust but hugged my toned body at the waist and backside nicely.
“Sounds good. Have fun and don’t worry about us,” David said. “Will do. Bye guys,” I said as I turned and jogged up the stairs.
I was fawning over myself enough. It was a thrill to be out of my usual lounging threads I wore most days, but I was getting
I needed to brush out my light brown curls that fell past my
distracted trying to look perfect.
shoulders in soft waves. When I was younger, I was forever attached to a hair straightener. Once I had children, I didn’t have
I looked at the clock and gasped. I was already going to be late
the time to mess with the straightener and decided to embrace
but was pushing it to being rudely late now. Friday night traffic
my curls. I sat in front of my vanity and slowly pulled the
into the city could be brutal and I needed to hurry. I was excited
hairbrush through my hair to give it some extra bounce.
to see Jenny, have a drink or two and just relax.
10
⌘
preschool and elementary school took up the majority of my time. But I was lucky Lurman allowed me to continue building my
“I want your love, and I want your revenge. You and me could
career.
write a bad romance. Oh, caught in a bad romance.” “I want your love. Love, love, love, I want your love,” I sang with I was singing full-voiced to the Lady Gaga song Bad Romance,
Gaga as I went through a mental checklist to make sure I hadn’t
as I drove my silver, Honda Pilot down Michigan Avenue toward
forgotten anything.
the House of Blues. I started laughing when I remembered how Sela asked me why the words to the song went “I want your ugly,
I had my purse – a black, sparkly clutch that couldn’t hold more
I want your disease.”
than my phone, credit cards and lipstick, Jenny’s present (a pair of red, sparkly Mary Jane’s she pinned on Pinterest as loving) and
It was difficult explaining to a seven-year-old that Lady Gaga
my black spring coat. Did I turn off the TV in my bedroom? I
meant she wanted every part of the lover she was singing to – all
wondered to myself. It didn’t matter. David would eventually make
the good and all the bad.
his way up there if I left it on.
Even when I was trying to get away from Mom duties and have
I was watching one of my favorite celebrity “news” shows, as I
fun with friends, I couldn’t help but think about the kids. They
was getting ready for the evening. Actually, I was listening to it as
were my entire life and had been since David and I got pregnant
I put on my makeup.
eight years earlier. When I made my final trip upstairs with my found hairbrush, they After Sela was born, I gave up working full-time to work from
were covering a nasty celeb divorce. It caught my attention
home. The ad agency I worked for was desperate enough to keep
because the subject of the divorce was a young movie star I
me on the Corwin account and agreed to let me work part-time
always paid attention to. His name was Paul Nuys and he was my
from home. I stayed on with The Lurman Group and on the
age and from Chicago.
Corwin account but my kids were my primary focus. Working at home through teething, crawling, walking, and then activities,
He actually was at Northwestern at the same time as David and me, but only for a semester. We never knew him but I was always 11
more interested in his career and love life since he was a guy from
He had a couple of high-profile relationships with starlets that
home and my alma mater.
upped his star factor even more and eventually married another beautiful celebrity. That marriage was now coming to an end and
His road to fame was well known to Chicagoans and the rest of
he was taking a beating in the press. It sounded like he might
the celeb-obsessed set. The story went that he was just a regular
deserve it.
college student who got cast through an open call as an extra in a low-budget movie being made in the city. When the indie horror
His ex, Melody Ray, accused him of having a wandering eye and
flick became the top-grossing film of 1999, Paul packed up and
cheating on her multiple times. The celeb news host was
headed to Hollywood.
guessing the couple’s inability to have children added to the stress of the marriage. No one knew if they even tried to have
His had been a Cinderella story of sorts, as the lives of movie
children, but I guess the show felt it was safe to assume they
stars often are. He was cast in a pilot for a television show that
must’ve wanted them.
was a modern-day version of Welcome Back Kotter, called Helmand’s High, that took off.
A celebrity public relations consultant was interviewed about the damage done to Paul’s good guy image by the cheating
Struggling actors and actresses star in multiple pilots per year
allegations. He said if he counseled Paul, he would advise him to
that are never picked up. It’s akin to winning the lottery when a
stay out of the public eye for a while and then come back and
pilot gets green-lighted to become a series the way Paul’s
revitalize his image.
Helmand’s High had. How weird would it be to have your relationship and image A weekly series is a highly coveted gig for a working actor
dissected by “experts” who never met you? I couldn’t imagine.
because it brings regular pay and frequent exposure. Paul rode
But I was definitely game to discuss all of the details with Jenny
the Helmand’s High wave of success for six years as the high
at her party. I could always count on my best friend to indulge my
school jock, who then goes on to college.
celeb obsession and it was an especially lively discussion when it was about someone from home who made it big.
Paul had been able to parlay his small-screen success into bigscreen success, unlike most of his compatriots from Helmand’s. 12
I pulled into the House of Blues’ parking lot and decided I was
chatting away. Jenny noticed someone enter the balcony and
going to valet the car. It was a cool, spring night and the wind
looked my way.
blowing off of Lake Michigan was chilly. “Brandi!” she squealed as she ran over to embrace me. I brought my spring coat but wearing it completely ruined the
I dropped my purse and present, wrapped my arms around her
effect of my sequined dress. I would just leave it in the car, jump
tiny waist and squeezed tight.
out and run inside the club. Jenny looked beautiful and had gotten the memo about going all I walked inside with my sparkling clutch and Jenny’s present
out. Her straight, blonde hair was highlighted and swept her
wrapped in white, shiny paper with a hot pink bow. I could see
waist. She painted silver glitter on her eyelids that made her blue
the multi-colored party balloons on the balcony and made my
eyes pop. Jenny was at least five inches taller than me at five
way over to the staircase that led upstairs to the private party.
feet, ten inches and her heels were putting her over six feet tall tonight.
It was only 7 p.m. and there weren’t many people in the bar area and the band hadn’t taken the stage yet. A karaoke band was
“Brandi, you’re late,” my friend Heather said sweetly as she
playing and our plan was to party upstairs and then hit the floor
walked over with a glass of what I knew would be my favorite
with the band later on.
champagne. “You need to catch up,” she said as she handed me the glass.
Two young men at the bar turned and looked at me as I surveyed the area. I glanced their way and then continued toward the
I took the glass and a hearty drink of the sweet, bubbly drink.
stairs. They looked sort of cute from far away but no matter, I had
“Happy Birthday, Mama!” I said to Jenny.
a party to get to. I made my way up the stairs and walked onto the balcony. Balloon bouquets topped five high bar tables and a long table at the end of the room held presents. About fifteen women, including Jenny, were gathered at the tables – drinks in hand, 13
Chapter 2
Once I came off the stage, my girls were all around me, drunkenly
Sunday
congratulating me on the performance. My head was spinning
May 16, 2010
and I was surprised I sang as well as I did with all of the champagne I drank. I told the girls I needed a giant water and I
I cheated on my husband that night. It wasn’t a full-on cheat, it
made my way to the bar to get one.
was just a kiss, but I felt awful the next day. I felt so guilty it made my stomach sick; sicker than it already was after too much
I grabbed the only open seat and asked the bartender for an ice
champagne.
water. As I was sitting and reliving my time on the stage in my head, I heard a man’s voice next to me say, “You’ve got a
Thinking back on the way the night started – I never thought it
beautiful voice.”
would turn out the way it did. I was so focused on Jenny’s party and getting there on time, that once I got there, I drank too much
“Thank you so much,” I started to say as I turned my head to look
champagne, too fast, to relax from the tension of my drive.
at the nice stranger when the word “thank” froze in my mouth. I stared into the face of the man sitting next to me and instantly
Later on, when the band took the stage at the House of Blues,
recognized him. I knew every curve of his handsome, chiseled
and asked for karaoke singers, I was more than ready to oblige.
face. He had a Cubs baseball cap pulled down low on his
It’s not like I’m shy anyway. I love to sing. In fact, I used to sing in
forehead but I could still see his big, green eyes. I was staring into
a band with David in college, called Bone Yard.
the face of Chicago’s very own Paul Nuys.
Having kids relegated my singing to the shower and the car, but I
I was still staring and hadn’t finished my thank you. Get it
couldn’t resist the stage that night. I have to admit – I got up there
together, girl! I told myself.
and killed it. I sang a blues version of the Michael Jackson song The Way You Make Me Feel and the crowd, along with the band,
I stuttered on the “thank” for a moment but managed to get out
loved it. I’ve always gotten complimented on my voice and
“Thanks very much.” That was all I had. Back to staring silently.
singing is like therapy for me.
Mustering a smile, I tried not to show how much I was freaking out in my head. 14
“I saw you earlier,” he said.
he’s a regular person. Try your hardest to have a normal conversation with him.
“Oh really?” I was dumbfounded. “So, why are you here tonight?” I asked. Kind of lame, I thought. I had no idea what he was talking about and was trying so very
Appropriate question though, I supposed.
hard to play it cool. I kept telling myself not to act like some pathetic fan – even though I was. Was Paul Nuys really saying he
“I’m just chilling out, visiting home and seeing my family,” he said.
noticed me earlier in the night? Could this be real?
“I saw a lot of great shows here in college and felt like reminiscing.”
“Yeah, you came in earlier with a big present, right?” he asked. “I remember your dress.”
“Oh, cool. Where did you go to college?” Apparently I was going to move forward with acting like I didn’t know who he was.
He had seen me earlier? And he remembered my dress!? He must’ve been one of the two guys I saw at the bar when I first got
“Northwestern, but I dropped out,” he said.
here. “I went to Northwestern too,” I remarked. “I’m here for my friend’s birthday tonight.” I said. I was succeeding in calming myself and playing this cool. Not too Again, I had nothing else. It was as if I could only speak if I was
excited, not too interested. I was remembering how I used to talk
spoken to. But I couldn’t be that lame! I was cooler than this,
to boys in college before David and I were an item. I was always
dammit! I searched my brain for something to say. What could I
aloof and in turn typically couldn’t resist an aloof boy who acted
ask him?
like he had no interest in me. That’s how David won my heart.
Should I ask about his divorce? No! That would be a big mistake!
“Really? When did you graduate?” he asked. Shit, I said in my
Should I act like I don’t know who he is? Possibly. You don’t have
head. I knew this information would reveal my age.
to lie and say you don’t know him, I told myself. But just act like 15
Should I lie? I thought to myself. I’m thirty and it’s definitely not old, I told myself. But I couldn’t deny I wanted to remain twenty-
“Yes, I recognize you. But your secret’s safe with me,” I said
eight forever. I’ve taken good care of myself and people always
reassuringly. “I’m not the type to cause a scene and I don’t want
think I’m still in my twenties so I could totally get away with it. I
to make you feel weird. I really appreciate your compliment and
can’t lie though, I quickly decided. That’s so pathetic.
hope you have a good night.”
“2002,” I said. “Great school.”
That was good. I was coming to my senses. I remembered the abuse he was taking in the press over his recent divorce. He said
“That’s when I was supposed to graduate,” he said. “But I
he was home to chill and see his family. He obviously just wanted
decided to pursue something different.”
to feel like a normal person and relax, which I somehow understood. I smiled at him, picked up my water and started to
Crap. Should I acknowledge I know who he is now? Acting like I
get out of my seat.
didn’t know him was getting weird and making me more nervous. “Hey, don’t feel like you have to take off,” he said. “I think I know you,” I said. He looked a little less nervous now. I set his mind at ease by I was going for it. Even if it ruined the conversation. At the very
letting him know I wouldn’t make a scene about his presence. I
least, I could ask for a photo with him to add to my celeb photo
was definitely not asking him for a photo. Not cool right now. It
encounter collection. This pretending stuff was making me
made me wonder if it was ever really cool to ask a celebrity for a
crazed.
photo.
“Oh yeah?” he said.
“I kind of need to get back to my friends,” I said and looked over my shoulder at my girls.
His eyes told me he’d been down this road before. I could sense
They were dancing to the band’s rendition of the B52s’ Love
him getting a little uncomfortable. His hat, his slouched posture
Shack. The guy singing was actually really good. My girls were
and his t-shirt and jeans screamed “I don’t want to be
completely preoccupied and not missing me yet.
recognized!” 16
I decided to sit back down. “They look like they’re having fun,” I
In my dreams of Paul, the scenario was always the same. I was in
said. “I guess I could stay a bit longer.”
love with him and was trying to convince him he should be in love with me too. He was always out of reach though, aloof to the
The moment when I could’ve walked away and joined the dance
extreme and never interested. If I could somehow convince him to
party with my friends was a pivotal moment in my life, but the
take a chance on me in my dreams, it was always short-lived.
decision to stay at the bar was made without drama or hesitation. I read a dream interpretation book once that said having dreams Life’s interesting in that way. Sometimes we obsess over
about celebrities means you have a healthy self-esteem. It didn’t
decisions that have a minimal effect on our lives – weighing the
have an interpretation for what it meant if that celebrity was
pros and cons in an effort to make the best decision possible.
rejecting you in the dream.
Then minor decisions, like the route we take to the post office, can change our lives forever depending on what we encounter
I felt connected to Paul and I didn’t even know him. I suppose
along the way.
that happens with celebrities. So much of their lives are out for public consumption that you end up knowing everything about
The truth was, I didn’t want to leave Paul at the bar. I had no
them and then feeling like you actually know them, even though
interest in going back to my friends at that moment. This man’s
you don’t.
pull was palpable and for the first time in my life, I really understood the word “charisma.”
That’s the trick though. The Hollywood masterminds have been doing it since the days of Hedda Hopper’s Hollywood. They lead
I won’t discount the star-struck factor either. Having a real-life
all of us suckers to believe we know the people we see on the big
super star sitting next to you, acknowledging you, and wanting to
screens. They divulge just enough details, the right details, about
chit-chat, isn’t really something you can resist.
celebrity lives to make them seem somehow attainable, somehow normal. The more we buy the illusion that we know them, that
But it was more than that. I had dreamt of Paul before. True – I
they’re just like us, the more we cheer for their successes and
dreamt of many celebrities and many people, places and things in
even failures. And most importantly, we buy tickets and tune in.
my life. But Paul had been the subject of many dreams. 17
This whole trick is a delicate balance though. Divulge too much,
dumb about the divorce. That was just too uncomfortable to get
and your star is perceived as an overexposed hack. Divulge too
into.
little, and fans forget, which means they stop caring and investing in the star’s success. This formula works, but it also creates
I told him I was married and had two children. I had on a wedding
obsessed fans who learn every detail of their favorite star and
ring after all – there was no hiding it. I noticed he wasn’t wearing a
lose the ability to separate the illusion from reality. It’s the stuff
wedding ring anymore. He was impressed that I had kids and
stalkers are made of, and I was most certainly not a stalker or
wanted to know their ages and names. It was sweet. He said he
even an obsessed fan.
hoped to have kids someday. That was a little sad, considering his current situation.
I just had a soft spot in my heart for the guy because he was from my hometown and hit the big time. It didn’t hurt that he was an
I started thinking about the celeb news show I was watching
incredibly attractive man – tall, lean and muscled with beautiful,
earlier. I remembered how they were talking about his divorce and
big green eyes. In interviews, he always seemed like a cool,
making it so salacious as they probed into why the marriage
humble guy who remembered where he came from. And the guy
didn’t work.
sitting in front of me seemed to fit that bill. The man sitting in front of me was obviously hurting and came I sat down with my water and we started talking. He asked me
home to recuperate. He needed a friend and someone to talk to.
about my singing. I asked him about his acting. It was a little
The fact that he was willing to take the chance on talking to
weird to ask him, “What’s your next movie?” but I went with it. I
someone he didn’t know surprised me. Everyone’s heard about
just kept telling myself he was a regular guy with an extraordinary
the friends, family members and employees who turn on
job.
celebrities and sell them out to the press for fame or money.
We chatted back and forth quite easily. We talked a lot about
Was he really that desperate to talk to someone that he would
Chicago, Northwestern and growing up in the Midwest. He said
risk a stranger airing his dirty laundry or any bit of information
living in Los Angeles was like living on another planet and he
about him to the highest bidder? Or did he just trust me?
longed for home for years. He said he had been married and his wife was from L.A., so they didn’t get back very often. I played 18
Don’t go there, I told myself. This is real life – he has no reason to
Cue freaking out inside my head again. He wanted to ask me out?
trust you because he doesn’t even know you. This guy is sad,
There’s no way. This can’t be right. I thought of myself as pretty
maybe even a little pathetic. He would’ve talked to the first kind,
and had been told I was beautiful but I wasn’t pretty in the
pretty face that sat next to him. It has nothing to do with you.
traditional Barbie doll way – especially in college. I had a small, refined nose, decent sized lips and big brown eyes.
“It makes sense that you went to Northwestern,” he said. At the grocery store last week, the cashier told me I looked like “Oh really, why?” I asked.
the actress Emmy Rossum. I took it as a serious compliment, considering Emmy is quite a bit younger than me and incredibly
“Because I felt like I recognized you when you walked in earlier
attractive. A few years back, one of David’s coworkers said I
tonight,” he said.
looked like the actress Michelle Monaghan. The former
Wait a second, he recognized me? This wasn’t making sense. My
midwesterner was discovered in Chicago and again, I took the
mind started to scramble again, making words difficult to get out.
comparison as a huge compliment.
“You’re kidding,” I said, a little shocked. “Maybe we saw each
But back in college, I was always dying my naturally brown hair
other on campus, or we could’ve had a class together, I
different colors, wearing funky clothes and generally acting like I
suppose.”
didn’t care. The woman I became was a little less funky and definitely more polished. I didn’t wear baggy sweaters and jeans
We went through our freshman courses. Since he was only there
anymore and always made sure my hair and makeup were on
for one semester, it wasn’t hard to figure out that we didn’t have
point.
any classes together. “It’s hard to imagine you lacking the courage to ask a girl out,” I “I must’ve seen you around campus,” he said. “I remember you, I
retorted. I loved this about me right now. Freak out on the inside,
know I do. I probably wanted to ask you out but never got up the
but cool on the outside.
courage.” “You didn’t know me then. I was young and didn’t have the most confidence,” he said. 19
gathered on the other side. Jenny was the one screaming and it “Oh, that makes sense.” I didn’t know what else to say.
looked like some sort of a fight was about to ensue.
Truth be told, I kind of felt like a jerk. I guess I had sort of
As I jumped out of my chair, bouncers descended on the women
insinuated he was a cocky asshole with my retort. Trying to play it
and started yelling at them to stop. One grabbed Jenny by the
cool can bite you back.
arm and started to escort her, along with a few women from the other group, out of the House of Blues.
“Well, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” I said. I was trying to back-pedal and take a softer approach. “You were meant to go
“Shit. Those are my friends,” I said to Paul. “I’ve got to go.”
on to become a big star and I was meant to become a Mom.” “Let me come with you,” he said. “Maybe I can help.” “That’s true. But it feels like we were meant to eventually meet,” he said.
I was feeling a little more sober by now and felt like I could handle acting professional and diplomatic with the bouncers.
He was staring at me with his gorgeous green eyes. He had flawless white teeth and tanned, smooth skin like I’d never seen.
“Excuse me guys,” I said, as Paul and I walked up to the
This man was truly a beautiful specimen and was definitely hitting
bouncers.
on me. Jenny and the women from the other group were getting ejected. But then my awe was interrupted by a loud female voice.
I pointed at Jenny, “This is my friend and it’s her birthday, does she have to go?”
“You bitch!” I heard a woman scream from across the room.
“Yes, we don’t tolerate any fighting here,” said the bouncer holding her arm. “She is done and these ladies are out of here
I suddenly felt so guilty about the last half hour I spent talking
too,” he said, motioning to the women from the other crew.
with Paul that I was sure that woman was screaming at me. I turned around and saw Jenny and the rest of my girls gathered to
I couldn’t help but notice the bouncer bore a striking resemblance
one side of the dance floor, while another group of women
to Tony Soprano, played by the actor James Gandolfini. I was 20
always doing this – finding features of people’s faces that
People magazine. Paul rendered her speechless with his mere
reminded me of famous people.
presence, which was exactly what needed to happen.
Any hope I had of convincing Mr. Soprano that Jenny should stay,
She just stared at him with her mouth agape. This gave me the
died the next moment when she screamed, “This fucking bitch
chance to jump in with Mr. Soprano.
bumped into me and refused to apologize!” “Please don’t call the cops, she’s done,” I said. “Let us get her She was really drunk and slurring her words. This was bad.
out of here and get her home. There won’t be any more
“Lady, you better calm down or we’re calling the cops,” Tony
problems.”
Soprano said. By now the other bouncers had escorted the “fucking bitch” “Fuck you! Call the cops, asshole!” Jenny screamed.
women, as Jenny called them, out a different exit and all of our friends were gathered around Jenny. They weren’t paying
“Jenny, stop!” I said firmly. “This is not you. Stop. Now!”
attention to Paul or me as we talked with Tony, the bouncer. I left Paul and walked over to Jenny and the other girls.
Her eyes were wild. I remembered seeing her like this in college, but not since. She was pissed and there wasn’t going to be any
“Heather, can you cab it with Jenny back to the hotel?” I asked.
calming her down. I was the only halfway sober one in the group and there would be Paul stepped up behind me and got close to Jenny. He pulled his
no need for me to take a cab and have to deal with getting my car
hat up a little so she could see his eyes.
from the city tomorrow. Another half an hour, more water and I
“Jenny,” he said gently. “It’s your birthday, beautiful. Don’t do this.
would be good to go.
These guys aren’t going to back down. You’re far too pretty to end up in jail tonight.”
“No problem, Bran,” Heather said. “Where were you?”
Jenny instantly recognized Paul and was shell-shocked. She was as celeb-obsessed as I was and never missed her weekly issue of 21
“I was at the bar for a bit but I stopped drinking a while ago. I’m
I started to feel like a bad person, like a bad wife and like a bad
going to drive home after I chill a little longer and guzzle more
mother. What was I doing? What was I thinking? It was as if Paul
water,” I said.
entranced me. I should’ve left with the girls but I worked to convince Heather I was totally fine and had a plan in place that
“Are you sure you’re OK to drive?” Heather asked.
would get me home safe. Now I wasn’t so sure.
“Yeah, I will leave in a little bit but I am totally fine. Just get Jenny
I didn’t take time to consider that Paul knew his power and might
to the hotel and I’ll call you guys in the morning. Let’s do brunch
be able to use it to his advantage with star-struck women like
at Sarki’s like we used to,” I said.
myself. But I really didn’t care. I drank a lot of champagne and was going with my most primal instincts that didn’t consider
Heather was an old college friend of Jenny’s and a cute lady. Her
loyalty or morality.
dyed orange, pixie haircut fit perfectly with her small, elfin features. Heather was more Jenny’s friend than mine, but was a
When would a chance like this ever present itself again? I quickly
nice girl. We just never hit it off in a big way, but were cordial and
asked myself. I made my decision as easily as I made the
friendly with each other.
decision to stay at the bar and talk to Paul earlier. I wasn’t going anywhere.
“OK, drive careful and we’ll talk in the morning,” she said and turned to leave with Jenny who was still staring in stunned silence. There would be a lot of questions to answer in the morning if my friends could remember anything. I turned around and walked back to Paul. At that moment, things got kind of weird. I just sent my friends, who I came with, home. And I was planning to stay longer with a gorgeous, intriguing man who wasn’t my husband. 22
