Real Fight
! ! !
!
!
!
! How To Win the REAL Fight: Protecting Your Marriage During Conflict! Copyright © 2011 by Kevin B. Bullard. All rights reserved.!
! We create Christ-centered resources & experiences that help couples build & sustain a healthy, functional marriage.!
!
•
http://mymarriageworks.org!
•
http://facebook.com/marriageworks!
•
http://twitter.com/mrgwrks!
•
http://instagram.com/marriageworks!
•
http://pinterest.com/marriageworks!
! No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review."
! !
"2
Introduction!...................................................................................................................................5! Hit the One in the Middle!............................................................................................................6! 8 Strategies for Winning the REAL Fight!...................................................................................7! Strategy 1: Slow Down! Strategy 2: Ask for Wisdom! Strategy 3: Keep Your Communication WETT! Strategy 5: Get to the Root! Strategy 6: Center the Problem! Strategy 7: Focus! Strategy 8: Persist! Conclusion!...................................................................................................................................10! About Kevin & Cetelia Bullard!.................................................................................................11!
"3
! ! !
"4
Introduction!
! When was the last time you and your spouse got into an argument (also defined as fight, disagreement, or heated discussion)? What was it about? What position were you trying to defend? Did you and your spouse successfully stay on topic or did one (or both) of you bring up some irrelevant topic that wound up doing more harm than good? Did you ever resolve the problem or did you never get back to it because you wound up fighting the wrong fight?!
!
The truth is, when things aren't going well, we spend far too much time analyzing things to death and finding fault instead of finding creative solutions1. That’s why I wrote How to Win the REAL Fight. !
!
This easy-to-digest resource is all about helping you understand how to fight -- and win -- the real fights you and your spouse encounter. To be sure, this is not a “you win and your spouse loses” type of arrangement (nor is it one where you lose and your spouse wins). As my better half, Cetelia, is fond of saying, if only spouse is winning, both spouses are actually losing!!
!
Open up your mind and heart to receive wisdom, and purpose to practice what is shared. You and your spouse will be glad you did!!
! ! ! !
1" 2011. Divorce Busting.
"5
Hit the One in the Middle!
! A large reason couples have so many unresolved and non-winnable fights is because they’re swinging at the wrong target. I remember a scene from Rocky IV where Rocky was getting hit so hard he began seeing three images of his opponent. To cut down on his confusion, his trainer advised him to hit the one in the middle.!
!
When couples allow their conversations to become overheated and unruly, they begin going after side issues that are merely symptoms of the real problem. Whenever this happens, there is great opportunity to cause offense through careless words and actions. It’s at this point when one or both spouses begin to dredge up hurtful events from the past (that should remain in the past). Insults start flying, mamas get talked about, and it gets downright ugly. On top of that, the ORIGINAL problem festers & remains unresolved while new problems are created. Even worse, these heated situations can lead to physical, sexual, mental, or emotional abuse. !
!
Note: abuse is always self-defined. If you sense you are being abused, get to safety fast! Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at http://thehotline.org or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) OR TTY 1-800-787-3224.!
!
In the next section I give seven strategies for diagnosing & dealing with the real problem instead of messing around with tangential items. By the time you finish reading this EBook, you’ll know what the real fight is, and how to win it.
"6
8 Strategies for Winning the REAL Fight!
! The real fight of marriage is protecting your marriage. ! ! There are a thousand and one different elements working against your marriage each day. If your marriage is going to be healthy & functional, you and your spouse must recognize the real fight (again, protecting your marriage), and do all in your power to fight the good fight. This obviously takes teamwork, communication, patience, humor, concentration, wisdom, and a lot of grace from God.!
! Here are eight strategies to help you win the fight that counts.! ! Strategy 1: Slow Down!
When you find yourself in a spat with your spouse, one of you needs to settle down, look at the big picture, breathe, think things through, and act like the adult (I recommend YOU do it since you’re the one reading this). Proverbs 29:20 asks, “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Once you take a minute to think about things, you’re much more prepared to get to the root instead of arguing over the fruit.!
!
Strategy 2: Ask for Wisdom! One of the greatest privileges Christ-followers have is to ask for - and receive - wisdom from the Creator of the universe.2 God is ready to put his wisdom into your heart,3 and show you things you don’t know.4!
!
Please pardon my bluntness, but only a self-confident fool would reject God’s offer of wisdom. Don’t be that person. Ask for the wisdom.!
!
Strategy 3: Keep Your Communication WETT! Even if you slow down and ask for wisdom, if you don’t follow this critical step, you can still find yourself arguing about items that are irrelevant to the situation at hand. Here’s how you keep the communication WETT.!
!
2" James 1:5 3" Proverbs 2:9-10 4" Jeremiah 33:3
"7
Words! Ensure you’re speaking words that build up instead of words that tear down.5 As I tell spouses, it’s always easier, faster, and cheaper to tear down a building than it is to build one. The same goes for your spouse. You can destroy in 30 seconds what it took you 10 years to build. Speak with caution!!
!
Environment! Choose an environment to speak in that will aid your conversation instead of hurting it. If there’s a room in the house where troubled has brewed in the past or there’s a place outside the home where the two of you have had a bad experience, try to avoid that location for tender conversations.
!
Tone! It is essential that you speak in a tone that is helpful (not hurtful to the conversation). You can use the right words and be in the optimal location. However, if your tone is off (sarcastic, demanding, demeaning, nonchalant, arrogant, flippant, or any other tone opposite of what is needed), the entire conversation will be remembered for the wrong tone ... not everything else that was good. ! !
! !
Timing! This element is vitally important. You can have the right words, location, and time. But, if your timing is off, none of this really matters. It’s key to remember that everything has its own time and purpose;6 including knowing when to speak and be silent.7 That’s why the first strategy to winning the real fight was asking for wisdom. The wise heart will know the proper time and procedure for having sensitive conversations.8 Measure the timing before launching into a serious conversation.!
!
Strategy 5: Get to the Root! There’s an exercise I learned at a Disney Institute Training called The Five Whys. The theory behind this idea is you can get to the root of any situation by asking why five times. Here’s how it works: Ask your spouse a question about the situation at hand. When he/she replies, simply ask, “Why?” Do this four more times, gently pressing for a 5" Ephesians 4:29 6" Ecclesiastes 3:1 7" Ecclesiastes 3:7 8" Ecclesiastes 8:5
"8
deeper answer. What you’ll likely find is that the first three or four answers will be fruit, whereas the final answer will be the root (or very close to it). Cetelia and I have used this exercise successfully more than once, and I recommend you use it in your marriage to get to the root of the issue.!
!
Strategy 6: Center the Problem As has been stated, couples often start out dealing with the problem, then get sidetracked with irrelevant topics. That can very easily lead to spouses blaming & berating one another. A way to avoid or recover from this is to write the name of the problem or issue on a sheet of paper, then place the paper between the two of you on a table. !
!
Once you’ve gotten to the root using The Five Whys, project your hurt, disappointment, frustration, and anger onto the sheet of paper ... not your spouse. If you must address your spouse’s behavior, use “I feel …” statements so as not to bludgeon your spouse with your words.!
!
Strategy 7: Focus The secret to impact is focus, and the secret to concentration is elimination. Stay focused on the problem written on the sheet of paper. When you find yourself straying, refocus your attention, and start over. Remember this: there is a solution to the problem! Be diligent and stay focused on the issue.!
!
Strategy 8: Persist Too many couples don’t reach resolution in their disagreements because they get frustrated and walk away. Resolving conflict is not pleasant. Feelings are exposed and get hurt, and the truth can shake you to your core. However, if you’re going to win the real fight, you must stay in the ring and resolve the issue. This is the only way to have a marriage that works.
"9
Conclusion!
! I’d like to wrap-up this EBook by looking at one of Aesop’s fables that speaks directly to the topic of winning the real fight.!
!
A Traveler hired an Ass to convey him to a distant place. The day being intensely hot, and the sun shining in its strength, the Traveler stopped to rest, and sought shelter from the heat under the Shadow of the Ass. As this afforded only protection for one, and as the Traveler and the owner of the Ass both claimed it, a violent dispute arose between them as to which of them had the right to the Shadow. The owner maintained that he had let the Ass only, and not his Shadow. The Traveler asserted that he had, with the hire of the Ass, hired his Shadow also. The quarrel proceeded from words to blows, and while the men fought, the Ass galloped off. 9 "
! The Moral: In quarreling about the shadow we often lose the substance.! !
Too many couples don’t know what the real fight in their marriages really is. Like the traveler and the owner, many spouses fight over tangential issues that are subject to change and don’t really count. Sure, there are issues that need to be resolved, but none of those are the real fight of marriage. !
!
The real fight of marriage is protecting your marriage. There are a thousand and one different elements working against your marriage each day. If your marriage is going to be healthy & functional, you and your spouse must recognize the real fight (again, protecting your marriage), and do all in your power to fight the good fight. This obviously takes teamwork, communication, patience, humor, concentration, wisdom, and a lot of grace from God.!
!
Partner with your spouse to fight the real fight of marriage employing the seven strategies listed earlier. Work diligently to protect your marriage from everything that would destroy it.!
! ! ! !
9" The Ass and His Shadow
"10
About Kevin & Cetelia Bullard!
"
!
! Kevin & Cetelia Bullard are the duo behind Marriage Works!, a ministry that creates Christ-Centered resources & experiences that help couples build & sustain a healthy, functional marriage. ! They have been married since 2000, and are parents to three great children; Max, Caitlin, and Kuria Joy. ! Kevin & Cetelia both come from divorced homes, so they understand the pain and confusion caused by broken marriages. As a result, they are committed to making their marriage work, and helping other couples learn how to make theirs work as well. ! Through Marriage Works! they provide coaching, weekend Getaways, and resources that lead to a healthy, functional marriage. You can access Marriage Works! through their blog, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
"11
!
!
!
! How To Win the REAL Fight: Protecting Your Marriage During Conflict! Copyright © 2011 by Kevin B. Bullard. All rights reserved.!
! We create Christ-centered resources & experiences that help couples build & sustain a healthy, functional marriage.!
!
•
http://mymarriageworks.org!
•
http://facebook.com/marriageworks!
•
http://twitter.com/mrgwrks!
•
http://instagram.com/marriageworks!
•
http://pinterest.com/marriageworks!
! No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review."
! !
"2
Introduction!...................................................................................................................................5! Hit the One in the Middle!............................................................................................................6! 8 Strategies for Winning the REAL Fight!...................................................................................7! Strategy 1: Slow Down! Strategy 2: Ask for Wisdom! Strategy 3: Keep Your Communication WETT! Strategy 5: Get to the Root! Strategy 6: Center the Problem! Strategy 7: Focus! Strategy 8: Persist! Conclusion!...................................................................................................................................10! About Kevin & Cetelia Bullard!.................................................................................................11!
"3
! ! !
"4
Introduction!
! When was the last time you and your spouse got into an argument (also defined as fight, disagreement, or heated discussion)? What was it about? What position were you trying to defend? Did you and your spouse successfully stay on topic or did one (or both) of you bring up some irrelevant topic that wound up doing more harm than good? Did you ever resolve the problem or did you never get back to it because you wound up fighting the wrong fight?!
!
The truth is, when things aren't going well, we spend far too much time analyzing things to death and finding fault instead of finding creative solutions1. That’s why I wrote How to Win the REAL Fight. !
!
This easy-to-digest resource is all about helping you understand how to fight -- and win -- the real fights you and your spouse encounter. To be sure, this is not a “you win and your spouse loses” type of arrangement (nor is it one where you lose and your spouse wins). As my better half, Cetelia, is fond of saying, if only spouse is winning, both spouses are actually losing!!
!
Open up your mind and heart to receive wisdom, and purpose to practice what is shared. You and your spouse will be glad you did!!
! ! ! !
1" 2011. Divorce Busting.
"5
Hit the One in the Middle!
! A large reason couples have so many unresolved and non-winnable fights is because they’re swinging at the wrong target. I remember a scene from Rocky IV where Rocky was getting hit so hard he began seeing three images of his opponent. To cut down on his confusion, his trainer advised him to hit the one in the middle.!
!
When couples allow their conversations to become overheated and unruly, they begin going after side issues that are merely symptoms of the real problem. Whenever this happens, there is great opportunity to cause offense through careless words and actions. It’s at this point when one or both spouses begin to dredge up hurtful events from the past (that should remain in the past). Insults start flying, mamas get talked about, and it gets downright ugly. On top of that, the ORIGINAL problem festers & remains unresolved while new problems are created. Even worse, these heated situations can lead to physical, sexual, mental, or emotional abuse. !
!
Note: abuse is always self-defined. If you sense you are being abused, get to safety fast! Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at http://thehotline.org or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) OR TTY 1-800-787-3224.!
!
In the next section I give seven strategies for diagnosing & dealing with the real problem instead of messing around with tangential items. By the time you finish reading this EBook, you’ll know what the real fight is, and how to win it.
"6
8 Strategies for Winning the REAL Fight!
! The real fight of marriage is protecting your marriage. ! ! There are a thousand and one different elements working against your marriage each day. If your marriage is going to be healthy & functional, you and your spouse must recognize the real fight (again, protecting your marriage), and do all in your power to fight the good fight. This obviously takes teamwork, communication, patience, humor, concentration, wisdom, and a lot of grace from God.!
! Here are eight strategies to help you win the fight that counts.! ! Strategy 1: Slow Down!
When you find yourself in a spat with your spouse, one of you needs to settle down, look at the big picture, breathe, think things through, and act like the adult (I recommend YOU do it since you’re the one reading this). Proverbs 29:20 asks, “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Once you take a minute to think about things, you’re much more prepared to get to the root instead of arguing over the fruit.!
!
Strategy 2: Ask for Wisdom! One of the greatest privileges Christ-followers have is to ask for - and receive - wisdom from the Creator of the universe.2 God is ready to put his wisdom into your heart,3 and show you things you don’t know.4!
!
Please pardon my bluntness, but only a self-confident fool would reject God’s offer of wisdom. Don’t be that person. Ask for the wisdom.!
!
Strategy 3: Keep Your Communication WETT! Even if you slow down and ask for wisdom, if you don’t follow this critical step, you can still find yourself arguing about items that are irrelevant to the situation at hand. Here’s how you keep the communication WETT.!
!
2" James 1:5 3" Proverbs 2:9-10 4" Jeremiah 33:3
"7
Words! Ensure you’re speaking words that build up instead of words that tear down.5 As I tell spouses, it’s always easier, faster, and cheaper to tear down a building than it is to build one. The same goes for your spouse. You can destroy in 30 seconds what it took you 10 years to build. Speak with caution!!
!
Environment! Choose an environment to speak in that will aid your conversation instead of hurting it. If there’s a room in the house where troubled has brewed in the past or there’s a place outside the home where the two of you have had a bad experience, try to avoid that location for tender conversations.
!
Tone! It is essential that you speak in a tone that is helpful (not hurtful to the conversation). You can use the right words and be in the optimal location. However, if your tone is off (sarcastic, demanding, demeaning, nonchalant, arrogant, flippant, or any other tone opposite of what is needed), the entire conversation will be remembered for the wrong tone ... not everything else that was good. ! !
! !
Timing! This element is vitally important. You can have the right words, location, and time. But, if your timing is off, none of this really matters. It’s key to remember that everything has its own time and purpose;6 including knowing when to speak and be silent.7 That’s why the first strategy to winning the real fight was asking for wisdom. The wise heart will know the proper time and procedure for having sensitive conversations.8 Measure the timing before launching into a serious conversation.!
!
Strategy 5: Get to the Root! There’s an exercise I learned at a Disney Institute Training called The Five Whys. The theory behind this idea is you can get to the root of any situation by asking why five times. Here’s how it works: Ask your spouse a question about the situation at hand. When he/she replies, simply ask, “Why?” Do this four more times, gently pressing for a 5" Ephesians 4:29 6" Ecclesiastes 3:1 7" Ecclesiastes 3:7 8" Ecclesiastes 8:5
"8
deeper answer. What you’ll likely find is that the first three or four answers will be fruit, whereas the final answer will be the root (or very close to it). Cetelia and I have used this exercise successfully more than once, and I recommend you use it in your marriage to get to the root of the issue.!
!
Strategy 6: Center the Problem As has been stated, couples often start out dealing with the problem, then get sidetracked with irrelevant topics. That can very easily lead to spouses blaming & berating one another. A way to avoid or recover from this is to write the name of the problem or issue on a sheet of paper, then place the paper between the two of you on a table. !
!
Once you’ve gotten to the root using The Five Whys, project your hurt, disappointment, frustration, and anger onto the sheet of paper ... not your spouse. If you must address your spouse’s behavior, use “I feel …” statements so as not to bludgeon your spouse with your words.!
!
Strategy 7: Focus The secret to impact is focus, and the secret to concentration is elimination. Stay focused on the problem written on the sheet of paper. When you find yourself straying, refocus your attention, and start over. Remember this: there is a solution to the problem! Be diligent and stay focused on the issue.!
!
Strategy 8: Persist Too many couples don’t reach resolution in their disagreements because they get frustrated and walk away. Resolving conflict is not pleasant. Feelings are exposed and get hurt, and the truth can shake you to your core. However, if you’re going to win the real fight, you must stay in the ring and resolve the issue. This is the only way to have a marriage that works.
"9
Conclusion!
! I’d like to wrap-up this EBook by looking at one of Aesop’s fables that speaks directly to the topic of winning the real fight.!
!
A Traveler hired an Ass to convey him to a distant place. The day being intensely hot, and the sun shining in its strength, the Traveler stopped to rest, and sought shelter from the heat under the Shadow of the Ass. As this afforded only protection for one, and as the Traveler and the owner of the Ass both claimed it, a violent dispute arose between them as to which of them had the right to the Shadow. The owner maintained that he had let the Ass only, and not his Shadow. The Traveler asserted that he had, with the hire of the Ass, hired his Shadow also. The quarrel proceeded from words to blows, and while the men fought, the Ass galloped off. 9 "
! The Moral: In quarreling about the shadow we often lose the substance.! !
Too many couples don’t know what the real fight in their marriages really is. Like the traveler and the owner, many spouses fight over tangential issues that are subject to change and don’t really count. Sure, there are issues that need to be resolved, but none of those are the real fight of marriage. !
!
The real fight of marriage is protecting your marriage. There are a thousand and one different elements working against your marriage each day. If your marriage is going to be healthy & functional, you and your spouse must recognize the real fight (again, protecting your marriage), and do all in your power to fight the good fight. This obviously takes teamwork, communication, patience, humor, concentration, wisdom, and a lot of grace from God.!
!
Partner with your spouse to fight the real fight of marriage employing the seven strategies listed earlier. Work diligently to protect your marriage from everything that would destroy it.!
! ! ! !
9" The Ass and His Shadow
"10
About Kevin & Cetelia Bullard!
"
!
! Kevin & Cetelia Bullard are the duo behind Marriage Works!, a ministry that creates Christ-Centered resources & experiences that help couples build & sustain a healthy, functional marriage. ! They have been married since 2000, and are parents to three great children; Max, Caitlin, and Kuria Joy. ! Kevin & Cetelia both come from divorced homes, so they understand the pain and confusion caused by broken marriages. As a result, they are committed to making their marriage work, and helping other couples learn how to make theirs work as well. ! Through Marriage Works! they provide coaching, weekend Getaways, and resources that lead to a healthy, functional marriage. You can access Marriage Works! through their blog, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
"11
