steph & dom's
Life hacks
heapts
hel in you wfe at li
Travel, food, fitness… Because your Instagram feed won’t fill itself
#79
steph & dom’s
Festive fizz test The nation’s most discerning drinkers down some bubbles in the name of research…
S
teph Parker doesn’t really care much for the price tag on a bottle of wine. She prefers “a really shit red wine” to the more expensive end of the boozing scale. “Chateau Neuf, f**k off,” she guffaws. But it’s not red wine she’ll be drinking today – we’ve called upon the insightful palates of Steph and Dom to test a cellar’s-
worth of fizz in time for the festive season. From high-end Champagne to bargain booze, we want the Parkers to give us their verdicts on each bubbly sip. Sat in the kitchen of their B&B in Sandwich, Kent, Steph’s armed with her secret weapon – her trusty swizzle stick, a delicate silver contraption she uses to remove the bubbles from her
beverage. “[They] can give you horrid indigestion,” she explains. Both are excited about the taste test, and not just for the copious amounts of alcohol ahead. “If we go, ‘Buy the M&S £6.99, it’s the best one of the lot,’ heat readers will buy it,” Steph explains to Dom, plotting a new career trajectory post-Gogglebox. “And then we’ll get a contract
with M&S. I’ll be the new Twiggy, you’ll be the new David Gandy and we’ll live in the Caribbean.” heat can’t promise big-bucks contracts, but we can promise a lot of booze. So, without further ado, Dom deftly cracks open the first bottle with an almost imperceptible “pfft” – he’s done this before, right? – and the pair get stuck in. Chin, chin!
10-16 December 2016 www.heatworld.com
Nicolas Feuillatte Brut Rosé waitrose, £24.99
Prosecco
Dog: “Mind where you’re aiming that cork, mate”
Marks & Spencer, £10
D: It looks nice. S: It looks cheap. D: It’s got a nice fizz to it. It smells very dry. S: It’s very, very light. In fact, it’s like elderflower almost. D: That’s really drinkable. S: It does look like wee. It looks like healthy wee. D: Well, it’s all going to look a lot like piss. I’m going good, easy drinking. Yep, that’s good. I’d be very happy to serve that and be very happy to receive it. S: In bulk. PLONK POINTS: ★★★★★
Steph: I’m a total prozzie to pink Champagne. Even if it’s shit, I’ll still go, “Yay, it’s pink Champagne.” Dom: Colour’s quite dark in my mind. S: Right here we go. Chin, chin. It’s soup! Gazpacho! D: I’m definitely getting tarmac here. And I’m getting a bit of cross-channel ferry. S: It’s very clean. It’s quite cleansing. Not very claggy. D: I wouldn’t drink a lot of it. It’s not as nice as the Chapeldown pink and it’s not as nice as the Bolly pink. PLONK POINTS: ★★★
Life
hacks plonk
the winner!
Chrstmas Spirits Grab one of these seasonal tipples to festive-up your drinks cabinet Christmas Pudding Gin
£35
“Anyone else smell feet?”
Raisins, cherries, nutmeg, lemon… All the best bits of a boozy Christmas pud – in a glass.
Notonthe highstreet. com
The perfect winter warmer, Spain meets Sweden in this hot-apple flavoured spirit.
Scandi kitchen.co.uk
Prosecco Romeo & Juliet NV Treviso Bottoms up!
Piccini 1882 Sparkling Wine
photography: liz gregg
Sainsbury’s, £5 S: I can tell by looking at this that it’s a prosecco. I know what I’m doing. This is slightly heavier than the first one. D: [Splutters after taking a sip.] It’s evidently making me react. S: This isn’t as nice as the last one was. I don’t like this one. I think it’s cheap. heat : How cheap? D: I think £7.99, something like that. Am I right? No, I’m really wrong. Is it much cheaper? heat : It’s a fiver. S: This is the cheapest one I’ve had so far. I don’t want to drink it. Which is unheard of. PLONK POINTS: ★★ www.heatworld.com
Majestic, £11.99
S: This is very pale. This is a prosecco to look at. Italian, I would guess. D: It’s lighter. S: We should have a candle. That’s how you should look at it. [Takes a sip.] I quite like that. That’s literally lemonade. D: No, I don’t like that at all. heat: It’s prosecco, and it’s called Romeo & Juliet. S: Tip it over the balcony. It’s really rubbish. PLONK POINTS: ★ “Come to Mummy”
Veuve Monsigny Champagne Brut aldi, £9.99
D: Quite harsh, quite sharp. [Pulls face.] I’m not a big fan of it. It’s a bit tart. S: I’m getting egg. Three-day-old boiled egg. Seriously, I am getting egg. D: I’m not a big fan of that one. It’s probably the most expensive, probably the most revered. S: It’s a bit soapy. I don’t like this. It tastes like fizzy water from a SodaStream. heat: This is the Aldi Champagne. S: [Shocked] Not the Monsigny! Oh my God! I quaffed that ad infinitum last Christmas. PLONK POINTS: ★★
NYETimber Classic Cuvee Waitrose, £32.99 S: This looks robust – like bad wee from someone who’s dehydrated from the night before. D: It’s sharp, you wouldn’t want more than a bottle. The description says there are notes of brioche. D: Brioche? That’s poncey bread, isn’t it? S: I was getting tomato ketchup. D: And plimsoll. No, that’s nice. S: I wouldn’t drink this as quickly. More bubbles, less quaffable, and it’s very, very nice. PLONK POINTS: ★★★★
Nicolas Feuillatte D’Or john lewis, £85
S: Looks like lemon sherbet. Lemon mousse. D: That’s lovely. I’m getting almonds. S: I’m getting honeycomb. I’d guess it costs £18.99. It’s got that stink of oak barrels and sweaty feet. heat: It’s £85. D: F**k! It’s the vintage. S: Oh my GOD! My mother would be disgusted. D: It repeats well! [Does fake burp.] S: Elegantly repeatable. D: Burptastic. [Laughs.] PLONK POINTS: ★★★★
£10
Taste The Difference Crémant de Loire NV sainsbury’s, £11
S: It looks like a prosecco. D: Tastes like all the rest! S: That’s why I said don’t give us the big bastard at the end, because we won’t have a f**king clue. As it was, we didn’t have a f**king clue anyway. One thing I have is a good nose. Palate, not so much. D: [Looks at Steph.] Beautiful nose. Very straight. Slightly curved at the bottom. S: I don’t like it. It’s quite dense on my tongue. It’s ordinary. Super ordinary. I feel like I’d be sick on that. D: I think it might be the fact that we’ve had 16 glasses of Champagne. PLONK POINTS: ★★
Christmas Cobbler Cocktail
Sherry is making a comeback this Chrimbo, so this mix of sherry, apple and beetroot will make your party on fleek.
Marksand spencer.com Koko Kanu rum
£20
Add a tropical twist to your piña colada with this subtle blend of rum and coconut – as yummy as it sounds.
Sainsburys. co.uk
10-16 December 2016 www.heatworld.com
#81
#80
£16
Satrunus Glogg Calvados
heapts
hel in you wfe at li
Travel, food, fitness… Because your Instagram feed won’t fill itself
#79
steph & dom’s
Festive fizz test The nation’s most discerning drinkers down some bubbles in the name of research…
S
teph Parker doesn’t really care much for the price tag on a bottle of wine. She prefers “a really shit red wine” to the more expensive end of the boozing scale. “Chateau Neuf, f**k off,” she guffaws. But it’s not red wine she’ll be drinking today – we’ve called upon the insightful palates of Steph and Dom to test a cellar’s-
worth of fizz in time for the festive season. From high-end Champagne to bargain booze, we want the Parkers to give us their verdicts on each bubbly sip. Sat in the kitchen of their B&B in Sandwich, Kent, Steph’s armed with her secret weapon – her trusty swizzle stick, a delicate silver contraption she uses to remove the bubbles from her
beverage. “[They] can give you horrid indigestion,” she explains. Both are excited about the taste test, and not just for the copious amounts of alcohol ahead. “If we go, ‘Buy the M&S £6.99, it’s the best one of the lot,’ heat readers will buy it,” Steph explains to Dom, plotting a new career trajectory post-Gogglebox. “And then we’ll get a contract
with M&S. I’ll be the new Twiggy, you’ll be the new David Gandy and we’ll live in the Caribbean.” heat can’t promise big-bucks contracts, but we can promise a lot of booze. So, without further ado, Dom deftly cracks open the first bottle with an almost imperceptible “pfft” – he’s done this before, right? – and the pair get stuck in. Chin, chin!
10-16 December 2016 www.heatworld.com
Nicolas Feuillatte Brut Rosé waitrose, £24.99
Prosecco
Dog: “Mind where you’re aiming that cork, mate”
Marks & Spencer, £10
D: It looks nice. S: It looks cheap. D: It’s got a nice fizz to it. It smells very dry. S: It’s very, very light. In fact, it’s like elderflower almost. D: That’s really drinkable. S: It does look like wee. It looks like healthy wee. D: Well, it’s all going to look a lot like piss. I’m going good, easy drinking. Yep, that’s good. I’d be very happy to serve that and be very happy to receive it. S: In bulk. PLONK POINTS: ★★★★★
Steph: I’m a total prozzie to pink Champagne. Even if it’s shit, I’ll still go, “Yay, it’s pink Champagne.” Dom: Colour’s quite dark in my mind. S: Right here we go. Chin, chin. It’s soup! Gazpacho! D: I’m definitely getting tarmac here. And I’m getting a bit of cross-channel ferry. S: It’s very clean. It’s quite cleansing. Not very claggy. D: I wouldn’t drink a lot of it. It’s not as nice as the Chapeldown pink and it’s not as nice as the Bolly pink. PLONK POINTS: ★★★
Life
hacks plonk
the winner!
Chrstmas Spirits Grab one of these seasonal tipples to festive-up your drinks cabinet Christmas Pudding Gin
£35
“Anyone else smell feet?”
Raisins, cherries, nutmeg, lemon… All the best bits of a boozy Christmas pud – in a glass.
Notonthe highstreet. com
The perfect winter warmer, Spain meets Sweden in this hot-apple flavoured spirit.
Scandi kitchen.co.uk
Prosecco Romeo & Juliet NV Treviso Bottoms up!
Piccini 1882 Sparkling Wine
photography: liz gregg
Sainsbury’s, £5 S: I can tell by looking at this that it’s a prosecco. I know what I’m doing. This is slightly heavier than the first one. D: [Splutters after taking a sip.] It’s evidently making me react. S: This isn’t as nice as the last one was. I don’t like this one. I think it’s cheap. heat : How cheap? D: I think £7.99, something like that. Am I right? No, I’m really wrong. Is it much cheaper? heat : It’s a fiver. S: This is the cheapest one I’ve had so far. I don’t want to drink it. Which is unheard of. PLONK POINTS: ★★ www.heatworld.com
Majestic, £11.99
S: This is very pale. This is a prosecco to look at. Italian, I would guess. D: It’s lighter. S: We should have a candle. That’s how you should look at it. [Takes a sip.] I quite like that. That’s literally lemonade. D: No, I don’t like that at all. heat: It’s prosecco, and it’s called Romeo & Juliet. S: Tip it over the balcony. It’s really rubbish. PLONK POINTS: ★ “Come to Mummy”
Veuve Monsigny Champagne Brut aldi, £9.99
D: Quite harsh, quite sharp. [Pulls face.] I’m not a big fan of it. It’s a bit tart. S: I’m getting egg. Three-day-old boiled egg. Seriously, I am getting egg. D: I’m not a big fan of that one. It’s probably the most expensive, probably the most revered. S: It’s a bit soapy. I don’t like this. It tastes like fizzy water from a SodaStream. heat: This is the Aldi Champagne. S: [Shocked] Not the Monsigny! Oh my God! I quaffed that ad infinitum last Christmas. PLONK POINTS: ★★
NYETimber Classic Cuvee Waitrose, £32.99 S: This looks robust – like bad wee from someone who’s dehydrated from the night before. D: It’s sharp, you wouldn’t want more than a bottle. The description says there are notes of brioche. D: Brioche? That’s poncey bread, isn’t it? S: I was getting tomato ketchup. D: And plimsoll. No, that’s nice. S: I wouldn’t drink this as quickly. More bubbles, less quaffable, and it’s very, very nice. PLONK POINTS: ★★★★
Nicolas Feuillatte D’Or john lewis, £85
S: Looks like lemon sherbet. Lemon mousse. D: That’s lovely. I’m getting almonds. S: I’m getting honeycomb. I’d guess it costs £18.99. It’s got that stink of oak barrels and sweaty feet. heat: It’s £85. D: F**k! It’s the vintage. S: Oh my GOD! My mother would be disgusted. D: It repeats well! [Does fake burp.] S: Elegantly repeatable. D: Burptastic. [Laughs.] PLONK POINTS: ★★★★
£10
Taste The Difference Crémant de Loire NV sainsbury’s, £11
S: It looks like a prosecco. D: Tastes like all the rest! S: That’s why I said don’t give us the big bastard at the end, because we won’t have a f**king clue. As it was, we didn’t have a f**king clue anyway. One thing I have is a good nose. Palate, not so much. D: [Looks at Steph.] Beautiful nose. Very straight. Slightly curved at the bottom. S: I don’t like it. It’s quite dense on my tongue. It’s ordinary. Super ordinary. I feel like I’d be sick on that. D: I think it might be the fact that we’ve had 16 glasses of Champagne. PLONK POINTS: ★★
Christmas Cobbler Cocktail
Sherry is making a comeback this Chrimbo, so this mix of sherry, apple and beetroot will make your party on fleek.
Marksand spencer.com Koko Kanu rum
£20
Add a tropical twist to your piña colada with this subtle blend of rum and coconut – as yummy as it sounds.
Sainsburys. co.uk
10-16 December 2016 www.heatworld.com
#81
#80
£16
Satrunus Glogg Calvados
