Supporting Healthy Social Relationships
Supporting Young Children to Develop Healthy Friendships Stephen Grant, LCSW
“You Can’t Say You Can’t Play!” What value(s) does this policy/rule seem to promote?
Restorative Justice in Education (RJE)
Dr. Kathy Evans ~ Eastern Mennonite University
“You Can’t Say You Can’t Play!” What skills are needed to convert these values into action?
What are the skills?
You Can’t Say You Can’t Play? ● Students can absolutely play alone ● In a group of two or more, anyone is welcome to join (students can have “alone time” during playdates) ● Students are expected to use problem-solving language to address unkind or sabotaging behavior (independently or with adult support) ● Students should hold standards for kindness and equity in play. It is ok to refuse to accept unkind or domineering behavior (this is likely to require adult support)
Playdates a’ Plenty Create opportunities for your child to play with many different children (across gender, interests and styles of play) one-on-one or in small groups Allow play to be unstructured. Encourage children to be open and willing to try all different kinds of play Think of social conflict as an opportunity for your child to grow
Learning to Handle Conflict What do you find most difficult about conflict?
What hopes or expectations do you have for your children with regard to learning to handle conflict?
Dr. Kathy Evans ~ Eastern Mennonite University
Stay Close When children are younger, stay close to hand to offer coaching and support when needed. Help children to brainstorm and negotiate ideas for play Coach conflict resolution rather than acting as a judge Coach the use of direct communication skills, empathy, assertiveness, and the generation of multiple solutions to a problem
When You Receive a Report from Your Child Take your child’s report of a conflict or a social problem seriously, but with a grain of salt. Interview for solutions and resiliency rather than “interviewing for pain”. Encourage your child to report school problems to school personnel right away if attempts at resolution are failing (follow up to be sure that the report was made).
1. Bear witness. Our children often need us to simply listen to their stories. We don't always need to fix. Children often share about their most difficult experiences right at bedtime as they relax and their minds/hearts open to all that happened during the day. Tell your child that you are there to receive and listen. Hold the sacred space of listening. Then, in the light of day the following morning, loop back and ask, "You shared a lot with me last night. Is there any way I can help?" 2. Offer support without usurping the first grader's power. First graders LOVE to feel powerful. Ask how you can help without doing the work yourself. Ask, "What type of support can I give you so that you can feel like a powerful problem solver in this situation?" 3. Facilitate communication. Help your child communicate directly with others. Role play conversations, including different ways a conversation might go. Teach for flexibility. Empower your child with guided practice--the more you practice, the better you get! Take care with the language that you use with your student—for example, if you coach your child to “take a break” from someone, s/he may take that as permission from you to exclude another child from play. Check back in with your child with open-ended probes (ex. "What's on your mind with your friendships today?"). Please be sure to clue in your child's teachers if you think that's necessary! :-) 4. Recycle. Remember all of those social interactions you had growing up (and, perhaps, continue to have)--the many lived experiences you've had yourself? Mine those for stories you can share with your child. Not in a "you should do this" manner, but, rather, as a way of shining a light on the fact that social skills are something we all learn, practice and continue to hone all our lives. 5. Celebrate growth! We adults love to be present and helpful when problems are most alive. Let's also be there when the tiny, tender shoots of success are peeking their heads above ground as well. Shower those moments with inquiry, attention and praise.
It Takes a Village Communicate with other parents about a team approach to support child conflict/problems in advance of problem behavior. Communicate with other parents when you learn of a continuing/concerning problem between children, presenting a balanced, non-judgmental perspective. Be mindful of your own defensiveness or assumptions when listening to the role your child played in a conflict as reported by others. Avoid sharing concerns about someone else’s child with anyone but the child’s parent or school personnel.
What about Bullying? (better known as Peer Aggression) Peer aggression is a set of intentional, repeated behaviors that hurt, harm, or humiliates a person, either physically or emotionally, and can happen while at school, in the community, or online. Those bullying often have more social or physical “power,” while those targeted have difficulty stopping the behavior.
Restorative Justice in Education (RJE)
Dr. Kathy Evans ~ Eastern Mennonite University
“You Can’t Say You Can’t Play!” What value(s) does this policy/rule seem to promote?
Restorative Justice in Education (RJE)
Dr. Kathy Evans ~ Eastern Mennonite University
“You Can’t Say You Can’t Play!” What skills are needed to convert these values into action?
What are the skills?
You Can’t Say You Can’t Play? ● Students can absolutely play alone ● In a group of two or more, anyone is welcome to join (students can have “alone time” during playdates) ● Students are expected to use problem-solving language to address unkind or sabotaging behavior (independently or with adult support) ● Students should hold standards for kindness and equity in play. It is ok to refuse to accept unkind or domineering behavior (this is likely to require adult support)
Playdates a’ Plenty Create opportunities for your child to play with many different children (across gender, interests and styles of play) one-on-one or in small groups Allow play to be unstructured. Encourage children to be open and willing to try all different kinds of play Think of social conflict as an opportunity for your child to grow
Learning to Handle Conflict What do you find most difficult about conflict?
What hopes or expectations do you have for your children with regard to learning to handle conflict?
Dr. Kathy Evans ~ Eastern Mennonite University
Stay Close When children are younger, stay close to hand to offer coaching and support when needed. Help children to brainstorm and negotiate ideas for play Coach conflict resolution rather than acting as a judge Coach the use of direct communication skills, empathy, assertiveness, and the generation of multiple solutions to a problem
When You Receive a Report from Your Child Take your child’s report of a conflict or a social problem seriously, but with a grain of salt. Interview for solutions and resiliency rather than “interviewing for pain”. Encourage your child to report school problems to school personnel right away if attempts at resolution are failing (follow up to be sure that the report was made).
1. Bear witness. Our children often need us to simply listen to their stories. We don't always need to fix. Children often share about their most difficult experiences right at bedtime as they relax and their minds/hearts open to all that happened during the day. Tell your child that you are there to receive and listen. Hold the sacred space of listening. Then, in the light of day the following morning, loop back and ask, "You shared a lot with me last night. Is there any way I can help?" 2. Offer support without usurping the first grader's power. First graders LOVE to feel powerful. Ask how you can help without doing the work yourself. Ask, "What type of support can I give you so that you can feel like a powerful problem solver in this situation?" 3. Facilitate communication. Help your child communicate directly with others. Role play conversations, including different ways a conversation might go. Teach for flexibility. Empower your child with guided practice--the more you practice, the better you get! Take care with the language that you use with your student—for example, if you coach your child to “take a break” from someone, s/he may take that as permission from you to exclude another child from play. Check back in with your child with open-ended probes (ex. "What's on your mind with your friendships today?"). Please be sure to clue in your child's teachers if you think that's necessary! :-) 4. Recycle. Remember all of those social interactions you had growing up (and, perhaps, continue to have)--the many lived experiences you've had yourself? Mine those for stories you can share with your child. Not in a "you should do this" manner, but, rather, as a way of shining a light on the fact that social skills are something we all learn, practice and continue to hone all our lives. 5. Celebrate growth! We adults love to be present and helpful when problems are most alive. Let's also be there when the tiny, tender shoots of success are peeking their heads above ground as well. Shower those moments with inquiry, attention and praise.
It Takes a Village Communicate with other parents about a team approach to support child conflict/problems in advance of problem behavior. Communicate with other parents when you learn of a continuing/concerning problem between children, presenting a balanced, non-judgmental perspective. Be mindful of your own defensiveness or assumptions when listening to the role your child played in a conflict as reported by others. Avoid sharing concerns about someone else’s child with anyone but the child’s parent or school personnel.
What about Bullying? (better known as Peer Aggression) Peer aggression is a set of intentional, repeated behaviors that hurt, harm, or humiliates a person, either physically or emotionally, and can happen while at school, in the community, or online. Those bullying often have more social or physical “power,” while those targeted have difficulty stopping the behavior.
Restorative Justice in Education (RJE)
Dr. Kathy Evans ~ Eastern Mennonite University
