Toolshop UB 1 day HANDppts
Empowering Parents & Children for LIFE! A Quick Tour of The Parent' Parent's Toolshop
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Screening/Choosing Advice
Research based, not opinion
Promotes healthy family relationships
Based on love and respect, respect not fear/power
Proven longlong-term results, not quick fixes
Universally effective
Offers parents choices to individualize Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family STEP D:
STEP D:
Check the roof. Maintain progress.
STEP C3:
Go to the attic. R eveal discipline.
STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
STEP C1:
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
NO
STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
Keep Your Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
1
Trial-and-Error Parenting
How can you be prepared to handle a gazillion types of problems? ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Trial-and-Error Parenting
Just because it “works,” it doesn’t mean you should do it! ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
There are only 5 “types” of problems Ask up to 3 universal questions based on the individual child & situation …
This gets you on the right path. Once there, you take steps and choose tools to fit the individual needs of the child & situation. ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
2
3?s + 5 Steps + 5 Tools = An E ffective Response to ANY Problem
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint® Serves Three Purposes: It is . . . Universally effective Meets Individual Needs Adapted to one’s Unique personal style
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Effective Tools Only Work If Parents: Have enough tools to choose an effective response Know when to use the tools --- choose best tool for the task Know how to use the tool properly Use the tool long enough for change to occur Adopt healthy beliefs Look for a deeper problem Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
3
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO
PU/PO
P
C STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset
NO
Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Adopt a Conscious Parenting Mindset
• Conditioned parenting – unconsciously act from childhood programming/conditioning • Reactive parenting – trigger buttons programmed in childhood cause reactions • Conscious parenting – become aware of beliefs and consciously choose words and actions
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Your Mission
When you experience a problem, you will . . . STOP and . . .
THINK for 1-10 seconds PLAN a helpful response DELIVER it effectively Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
4
Choose Your Parenting Goals
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
An Imbalanced Foundation
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Parenting Styles OVEROVERCONTROLLING
Power Patrol
Perfectionistic Supervisor
BALANCED
Balanced Parenting
UNDERUNDERCONTROLLING
Over-Indulger
Avoider 4
• Overcontrolling: limits with too few choices < Power Patrol < Perfectionistic Supervisor
Balanced: choices within flexible but firm limits.
•Undercontrolling: choices with too few limits •Avoider •Over-Indulger
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
5
Intergenerational Parenting Practices
Some parenting practices were established in previous generations to survive or thrive in circumstances that are no longer present.
Other practices serve a relevant purpose in today’s society — but may be in direct opposition to dominant culture.
Rule of thumb: parenting practices must be respectful, honor the child’s human rights, be safe and healthy. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Typical Parenting Response
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
6
Problems are like Onions
Surface emotions and behaviors
REAL ISSUE
Protective defenses
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO
PU/PO
P
C STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
7
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
SelfSelf-Esteem Toolset Definitions:
Self-esteem is how we feel about our inside qualities.
Self-image is how we think we appear to others on the outside.
Ego-esteem is thinking we are (or are trying to be) better than others.
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
SelfSelf-Esteem Toolset Encouragement: Describes: effort, improvement, the receiver's feelings Focuses on I nternal qualities Notices what is right & P ositive (Point out negative later & teach skills.)
Give a D.I.P. a day! Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
8
1st 5-Star Tool = D.I.P.
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Cooperation Toolset Definitions: Definitions Every parent wants children to do what they ask them to do the first time they ask. There are two approaches to that goal: Demanding Obedience Engaging Cooperation
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Avoid External Motivators Incentives, bribes, rewards and praise Seem to work immediately! But longlong-term research* shows they are not only ineffective, ineffective, but are countercounter-productive: *See research at: http://www.AlfieKohn.org
Organizational reminder lists: The child helps set up the system and create the chart The child checks off what he/she did The child does the task to learn skills or to help others/self The reward can be intangible or simply a “celebration” Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
9
Power Struggles POWER STRUGGLES
TO PREVENT OR DIFFUSE 1. State your bottom line
Arguing about limits
2. Offer choices within limits
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
2nd 5-Star Tool = Choices
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Cooperation Toolset
Offer choices within bottom-line limits Describe behavior you want to see Don't Say "Don't" Use positive words to set limits No "No's”
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
10
3rd 5-Star Tool = Don’t Say Don’t
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Balance Of Independence
OVERCONTROLLING
UNDERCONTROLLING
BALANCED PARENTING
Teach skills (zigzag) and allow enough freedom (circle) for child to practice and master “Openly Model Behavior” to teach internal skills
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
4th 5-Star Tool = Teach Skills
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
11
Responding to NO problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family STEP D:
STEP D:
Check the roof. Maintain progress.
STEP C3:
Go to the R eveal attic. discipline.
STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
STEP C1:
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
NO
STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
Keep Your Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset
NO
Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Problem Identification Questions
©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
12
Problem Identification Hand Signals 1. Is this a Child Problem or a Parent Problem?
2. Is the misbehavior Unintentional or On purpose?
3. If the behavior is "On purpose," what's the purpose?
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Summary ~ Problem Identification 1. Is this a Child Problem or a P arent Problem? P = S afety H ealth A ppropriateness R ights P roperty R ules Values C = P eers E motions S iblings S chool
2. If there’s P roblem behavior, is it U nintentional or O n purpose? Has the child consistently shown mastery of skills?
3. If the P roblem behavior is "O n purpose," what's the purpose? Attention
Power
Revenge
Giving up
©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
C/P Combination Problems
C
P
P
C
Mostly a Child Problem.
Mostly a Parent Problem.
Mostly use the Child Problem Toolbox
Mostly use the Parent Problem Toolbox
Only use Parent Problem Toolbox for Parent part of problem.
Only use the Child Problem Toolbox for Child part of problem
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
13
3 Questions + PASRR formula
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO
PU/PO
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
P
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
14
Keep the ball in their court
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Problems are like Onions
Surface emotions and behaviors
REAL ISSUE
Protective defenses
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
F -A-X Listening Toolset Human communication is like a fax machine.
CODED
DECODED MESSAGE
MESSAGE
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
15
F -A-X & Problem Solving Steps
Ask helpful questions
F ocus on feelings
X-amine possible options
1
2
3
Work through feelings
Understand problem & beliefs
Plan Solution B rainstorm Evaluate D ecide
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
5th 5-Star Tool = FF-A-X Listening
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Child problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
16
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX
PU/PO
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Keep Your
STEP C1:
Cool
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
Toolset
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX
STEP A:
Independence Toolset
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset
NO
Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #1 1. Is this a Child Problem or a Parent Problem? (Narrow it down.)
P arent Problems (P) involve: Safety Health A ppropriateness Rights
Property Rules Values
C hild Problem (C) involve:
P eers Emotions Siblings School
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Parent problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
17
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Anger Cycle
BELIEF
FEELING
RESPONSE
(What you
(How you
(What you do
think)
feel
about it)
about it)
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Keep Your Cool Toolset Smoldering embers need stress management I nternal vs. E xternal recharge Flash fires need healthy outlets V erbal vs. P hysical anger energy Personalize a program: P/I, V/I, P/E, V/E, VP/I, VP/E
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
18
Clear Communication Toolset Definitions: Passive ~ Aggressive ~ Passive/Aggressive ~ Assertive
Tools Use "I ," not "You." Describe what you see. see Describe your feelings. feelings Describe the effect; effect give information. Say it in one word Use verbal or nonverbal signals (flash codes) Use notes or drawings Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Parent problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
PU Toolset
Keep Your
STEP C1:
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
19
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
20
Identifying Problem Types #2 2. Is the misbehavior Unintentional or On purpose? (Narrow it down.) Is this behavior the result of . . . Immaturity or developmental stage? Personality trait? Medical condition? Accident Lack of information or skills? i Have you not consistently seen skill mastery? "Yes" to any one question = PU (Unintentional misbehavior) "No" to all questions = PO ("On purpose" misbehavior) Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PU Problems P arent problem, U nintentional misbehavior When in doubt, assume it is PU. PU behavior can mutate to PO if it gets a payoff
PU tools: Teach skills Ignore behavior, if not dangerous .
Offer an acceptable alternative Use distraction: distraction change the focus or subject .
Environmental engineering: control situations, not
others Target PU behaviors and apply the PASRR formula. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PU Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
21
Responding to PU Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PO Toolset
( Parent problem, “O “ On Purpose” misbehavior)
Question #3: If it’s on purpose, what is the purpose? Ask these questions to find the clues: How do you feel? feel What are you tempted to do? do What would happen if you did this? Reactions will Escalate or Payoff. Avoid both.
Redirect by showing how to meet purpose through positive behavior Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
ATTENTION YOU FEEL irritated, irritated personal space violated YOU FEEL LIKE nagging, nagging "Go away!" Ignore the behavior not the child. Involve child in meaningful ways. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
22
Responding to PO for Attention
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Attention
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
POWER YOU FEEL angry. Your authority is being challenged. challenged YOU FEEL LIKE arguing or giving in Strive for win/win solution. Set limits, shift focus to choices and disengage. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
23
Responding to PO for Power
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Power
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
REVENGE YOU FEEL hurt. hurt YOU FEEL LIKE retaliating or showing hurt Resolve child's hurt feelings FIRST Discuss healthy alternatives for expressing hurt Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
24
Responding to PO for Revenge
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Revenge
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
GIVING UP YOU FEEL frustrated, helpless, hopeless. hopeless YOU FEEL LIKE agreeing child can't do it, rescuing, rescuing pushing. Use descriptive encouragement. encouragement Focus on effort and improvement. Break task into smaller steps and teach skills. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
25
Responding to PO for Giving Up
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Giving Up
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Misbehavior Matching Game KEY Tools
Misbehavior
1. D.I.P.
PU
2. Don’t Say Don’t
POPO-Attention
3. Choices w/in Limits
POPO-Power
4. Teach skills
POPO-Revenge
5. FF-A-X Listening
POPO-Giving up
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
26
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX
STEP C3:
Go to the attic. R eveal discipline.
Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
Cool Toolset
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Keep Your
STEP C1:
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Discipline Toolset
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
27
Discipline Toolset Discipline teaches from mistakes Punishment imposes suffering for mistakes Lesson: Children are responsible for the outcomes of their choices
Discipline must meet 4 R’s: logically R elated R espectful R easonable R evealed Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Language of Discipline BEFORE
“You can (+ behavior & + value/outcome) or (- behavior & SHARP RV reason).
-----------------
DURING
If you choose to (- behavior), I’ll know you’ve decided (the discipline. (Instead of “I’ll take it away,” say “to give it up.”) until (when — as soon as possible).
------------------
FREAKFREAK-OUT PHRASE: You’ll have another chance (when — as soon as possible) to show me you can (+ behavior).”
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Discipline Toolset 4-Star Tools: Ú Make amends Ú Alter choices as issues shift Ú Take action Ú Natural consequences
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
28
Discipline Tools Most Misused/Overused Tools Restrictions must meet 4 R's Progressive vs. Regressive Logical Consequences There isn’t always one. Timeout is not a Discipline Tool! It is a Keep Your Cool Tool!
©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
SelfSelf-Control TimeTime-Outs Teaches anger/stress management Are logically related Are revealed Location: anywhere (internal/external recharge) Activities: Activities verbal/physical anger energy Duration: Until child is calm. No timers! Problem-solve when calm ~ or say nothing Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Summary of the Universal Blueprint®
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
29
DecisionDecision-Making Worksheet Situation/Problem: _____________________________________ Identify the problem: (NO, C, T, PU, PO, C/T, C/PU, C/PO) If PO, what is the goal? (Attention, Power, Revenge, Giving Up) PLAN A RESPONSE, USING THE PASRR FORMULA: P revent the problem from starting or worsening: Descriptive encouragement, choices in limits, make positive requests, teach skills
A cknowledge the child’s (other person’s) feelings first: It looks/sounds like you want/feel/think _________... S et limits or express SHARP RV concerns: (use “I” statements) …and my concern is ___________. R edirect misbehavior: depending on PU or PO goal You can … (use best 55 -star tool for that type of misbehavior) R eveal Discipline: (must meet 4 R's) If you choose to ______, I’ll know you’ve decided _________ ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family STEP D:
STEP D:
Check the roof. Maintain progress.
STEP C3:
Go to the attic. R eveal discipline.
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
Open the windows. Talk before you act.
Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
Keep Your
STEP C1:
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
STEP C2:
NO
STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX
F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
For More Information
Free on-line course Includes support/discussion calls/webinars Free Articles, many include: Free Bonus Reports, such as: Parenting Styles Quiz Behavior Charts: research outcomes & effective use …and more!
CONTACT: Parents Toolshop® Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE Phone: 937-748-4541 http://www.ParentsToolshop.org [email protected] Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
30
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Screening/Choosing Advice
Research based, not opinion
Promotes healthy family relationships
Based on love and respect, respect not fear/power
Proven longlong-term results, not quick fixes
Universally effective
Offers parents choices to individualize Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family STEP D:
STEP D:
Check the roof. Maintain progress.
STEP C3:
Go to the attic. R eveal discipline.
STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
STEP C1:
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
NO
STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
Keep Your Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
1
Trial-and-Error Parenting
How can you be prepared to handle a gazillion types of problems? ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Trial-and-Error Parenting
Just because it “works,” it doesn’t mean you should do it! ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
There are only 5 “types” of problems Ask up to 3 universal questions based on the individual child & situation …
This gets you on the right path. Once there, you take steps and choose tools to fit the individual needs of the child & situation. ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
2
3?s + 5 Steps + 5 Tools = An E ffective Response to ANY Problem
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint® Serves Three Purposes: It is . . . Universally effective Meets Individual Needs Adapted to one’s Unique personal style
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Effective Tools Only Work If Parents: Have enough tools to choose an effective response Know when to use the tools --- choose best tool for the task Know how to use the tool properly Use the tool long enough for change to occur Adopt healthy beliefs Look for a deeper problem Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
3
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO
PU/PO
P
C STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset
NO
Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Adopt a Conscious Parenting Mindset
• Conditioned parenting – unconsciously act from childhood programming/conditioning • Reactive parenting – trigger buttons programmed in childhood cause reactions • Conscious parenting – become aware of beliefs and consciously choose words and actions
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Your Mission
When you experience a problem, you will . . . STOP and . . .
THINK for 1-10 seconds PLAN a helpful response DELIVER it effectively Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
4
Choose Your Parenting Goals
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
An Imbalanced Foundation
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Parenting Styles OVEROVERCONTROLLING
Power Patrol
Perfectionistic Supervisor
BALANCED
Balanced Parenting
UNDERUNDERCONTROLLING
Over-Indulger
Avoider 4
• Overcontrolling: limits with too few choices < Power Patrol < Perfectionistic Supervisor
Balanced: choices within flexible but firm limits.
•Undercontrolling: choices with too few limits •Avoider •Over-Indulger
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
5
Intergenerational Parenting Practices
Some parenting practices were established in previous generations to survive or thrive in circumstances that are no longer present.
Other practices serve a relevant purpose in today’s society — but may be in direct opposition to dominant culture.
Rule of thumb: parenting practices must be respectful, honor the child’s human rights, be safe and healthy. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Typical Parenting Response
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
6
Problems are like Onions
Surface emotions and behaviors
REAL ISSUE
Protective defenses
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO
PU/PO
P
C STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
7
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
SelfSelf-Esteem Toolset Definitions:
Self-esteem is how we feel about our inside qualities.
Self-image is how we think we appear to others on the outside.
Ego-esteem is thinking we are (or are trying to be) better than others.
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
SelfSelf-Esteem Toolset Encouragement: Describes: effort, improvement, the receiver's feelings Focuses on I nternal qualities Notices what is right & P ositive (Point out negative later & teach skills.)
Give a D.I.P. a day! Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
8
1st 5-Star Tool = D.I.P.
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Cooperation Toolset Definitions: Definitions Every parent wants children to do what they ask them to do the first time they ask. There are two approaches to that goal: Demanding Obedience Engaging Cooperation
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Avoid External Motivators Incentives, bribes, rewards and praise Seem to work immediately! But longlong-term research* shows they are not only ineffective, ineffective, but are countercounter-productive: *See research at: http://www.AlfieKohn.org
Organizational reminder lists: The child helps set up the system and create the chart The child checks off what he/she did The child does the task to learn skills or to help others/self The reward can be intangible or simply a “celebration” Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
9
Power Struggles POWER STRUGGLES
TO PREVENT OR DIFFUSE 1. State your bottom line
Arguing about limits
2. Offer choices within limits
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
2nd 5-Star Tool = Choices
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Cooperation Toolset
Offer choices within bottom-line limits Describe behavior you want to see Don't Say "Don't" Use positive words to set limits No "No's”
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
10
3rd 5-Star Tool = Don’t Say Don’t
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Balance Of Independence
OVERCONTROLLING
UNDERCONTROLLING
BALANCED PARENTING
Teach skills (zigzag) and allow enough freedom (circle) for child to practice and master “Openly Model Behavior” to teach internal skills
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
4th 5-Star Tool = Teach Skills
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
11
Responding to NO problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family STEP D:
STEP D:
Check the roof. Maintain progress.
STEP C3:
Go to the R eveal attic. discipline.
STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
STEP C1:
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
NO
STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
Keep Your Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset
NO
Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Problem Identification Questions
©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
12
Problem Identification Hand Signals 1. Is this a Child Problem or a Parent Problem?
2. Is the misbehavior Unintentional or On purpose?
3. If the behavior is "On purpose," what's the purpose?
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Summary ~ Problem Identification 1. Is this a Child Problem or a P arent Problem? P = S afety H ealth A ppropriateness R ights P roperty R ules Values C = P eers E motions S iblings S chool
2. If there’s P roblem behavior, is it U nintentional or O n purpose? Has the child consistently shown mastery of skills?
3. If the P roblem behavior is "O n purpose," what's the purpose? Attention
Power
Revenge
Giving up
©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
C/P Combination Problems
C
P
P
C
Mostly a Child Problem.
Mostly a Parent Problem.
Mostly use the Child Problem Toolbox
Mostly use the Parent Problem Toolbox
Only use Parent Problem Toolbox for Parent part of problem.
Only use the Child Problem Toolbox for Child part of problem
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
13
3 Questions + PASRR formula
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO
PU/PO
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
P
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
14
Keep the ball in their court
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Problems are like Onions
Surface emotions and behaviors
REAL ISSUE
Protective defenses
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
F -A-X Listening Toolset Human communication is like a fax machine.
CODED
DECODED MESSAGE
MESSAGE
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
15
F -A-X & Problem Solving Steps
Ask helpful questions
F ocus on feelings
X-amine possible options
1
2
3
Work through feelings
Understand problem & beliefs
Plan Solution B rainstorm Evaluate D ecide
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
5th 5-Star Tool = FF-A-X Listening
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Child problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
16
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX
PU/PO
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Keep Your
STEP C1:
Cool
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
Toolset
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX
STEP A:
Independence Toolset
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset
NO
Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #1 1. Is this a Child Problem or a Parent Problem? (Narrow it down.)
P arent Problems (P) involve: Safety Health A ppropriateness Rights
Property Rules Values
C hild Problem (C) involve:
P eers Emotions Siblings School
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Parent problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
17
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Anger Cycle
BELIEF
FEELING
RESPONSE
(What you
(How you
(What you do
think)
feel
about it)
about it)
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Keep Your Cool Toolset Smoldering embers need stress management I nternal vs. E xternal recharge Flash fires need healthy outlets V erbal vs. P hysical anger energy Personalize a program: P/I, V/I, P/E, V/E, VP/I, VP/E
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
18
Clear Communication Toolset Definitions: Passive ~ Aggressive ~ Passive/Aggressive ~ Assertive
Tools Use "I ," not "You." Describe what you see. see Describe your feelings. feelings Describe the effect; effect give information. Say it in one word Use verbal or nonverbal signals (flash codes) Use notes or drawings Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Parent problems
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
PU Toolset
Keep Your
STEP C1:
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
19
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
20
Identifying Problem Types #2 2. Is the misbehavior Unintentional or On purpose? (Narrow it down.) Is this behavior the result of . . . Immaturity or developmental stage? Personality trait? Medical condition? Accident Lack of information or skills? i Have you not consistently seen skill mastery? "Yes" to any one question = PU (Unintentional misbehavior) "No" to all questions = PO ("On purpose" misbehavior) Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PU Problems P arent problem, U nintentional misbehavior When in doubt, assume it is PU. PU behavior can mutate to PO if it gets a payoff
PU tools: Teach skills Ignore behavior, if not dangerous .
Offer an acceptable alternative Use distraction: distraction change the focus or subject .
Environmental engineering: control situations, not
others Target PU behaviors and apply the PASRR formula. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PU Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
21
Responding to PU Misbehavior
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PO Toolset
( Parent problem, “O “ On Purpose” misbehavior)
Question #3: If it’s on purpose, what is the purpose? Ask these questions to find the clues: How do you feel? feel What are you tempted to do? do What would happen if you did this? Reactions will Escalate or Payoff. Avoid both.
Redirect by showing how to meet purpose through positive behavior Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
ATTENTION YOU FEEL irritated, irritated personal space violated YOU FEEL LIKE nagging, nagging "Go away!" Ignore the behavior not the child. Involve child in meaningful ways. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
22
Responding to PO for Attention
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Attention
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
POWER YOU FEEL angry. Your authority is being challenged. challenged YOU FEEL LIKE arguing or giving in Strive for win/win solution. Set limits, shift focus to choices and disengage. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
23
Responding to PO for Power
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Power
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
REVENGE YOU FEEL hurt. hurt YOU FEEL LIKE retaliating or showing hurt Resolve child's hurt feelings FIRST Discuss healthy alternatives for expressing hurt Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
24
Responding to PO for Revenge
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Revenge
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Identifying Problem Types #3: If misbehavior is "on purpose," what is the purpose?
GIVING UP YOU FEEL frustrated, helpless, hopeless. hopeless YOU FEEL LIKE agreeing child can't do it, rescuing, rescuing pushing. Use descriptive encouragement. encouragement Focus on effort and improvement. Break task into smaller steps and teach skills. Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
25
Responding to PO for Giving Up
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Responding to PO for Giving Up
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Misbehavior Matching Game KEY Tools
Misbehavior
1. D.I.P.
PU
2. Don’t Say Don’t
POPO-Attention
3. Choices w/in Limits
POPO-Power
4. Teach skills
POPO-Revenge
5. FF-A-X Listening
POPO-Giving up
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
26
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family NO STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX
STEP C3:
Go to the attic. R eveal discipline.
Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
STEP C2:
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
Open the windows. S et limits & express concerns.
Cool Toolset
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Keep Your
STEP C1:
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
PASRR Response Formula
P revent problems Acknowledge feelings S et limits or express concerns R edirect misbehavior R eveal discipline Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Discipline Toolset
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
27
Discipline Toolset Discipline teaches from mistakes Punishment imposes suffering for mistakes Lesson: Children are responsible for the outcomes of their choices
Discipline must meet 4 R’s: logically R elated R espectful R easonable R evealed Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Language of Discipline BEFORE
“You can (+ behavior & + value/outcome) or (- behavior & SHARP RV reason).
-----------------
DURING
If you choose to (- behavior), I’ll know you’ve decided (the discipline. (Instead of “I’ll take it away,” say “to give it up.”) until (when — as soon as possible).
------------------
FREAKFREAK-OUT PHRASE: You’ll have another chance (when — as soon as possible) to show me you can (+ behavior).”
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Discipline Toolset 4-Star Tools: Ú Make amends Ú Alter choices as issues shift Ú Take action Ú Natural consequences
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
28
Discipline Tools Most Misused/Overused Tools Restrictions must meet 4 R's Progressive vs. Regressive Logical Consequences There isn’t always one. Timeout is not a Discipline Tool! It is a Keep Your Cool Tool!
©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
SelfSelf-Control TimeTime-Outs Teaches anger/stress management Are logically related Are revealed Location: anywhere (internal/external recharge) Activities: Activities verbal/physical anger energy Duration: Until child is calm. No timers! Problem-solve when calm ~ or say nothing Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
Summary of the Universal Blueprint®
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
29
DecisionDecision-Making Worksheet Situation/Problem: _____________________________________ Identify the problem: (NO, C, T, PU, PO, C/T, C/PU, C/PO) If PO, what is the goal? (Attention, Power, Revenge, Giving Up) PLAN A RESPONSE, USING THE PASRR FORMULA: P revent the problem from starting or worsening: Descriptive encouragement, choices in limits, make positive requests, teach skills
A cknowledge the child’s (other person’s) feelings first: It looks/sounds like you want/feel/think _________... S et limits or express SHARP RV concerns: (use “I” statements) …and my concern is ___________. R edirect misbehavior: depending on PU or PO goal You can … (use best 55 -star tool for that type of misbehavior) R eveal Discipline: (must meet 4 R's) If you choose to ______, I’ll know you’ve decided _________ ©2000, revised 2011, 2014 Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family STEP D:
STEP D:
Check the roof. Maintain progress.
STEP C3:
Go to the attic. R eveal discipline.
Choose a bedroom. R edirect misbehavior.
Open the windows. Talk before you act.
Cool Toolset
PU/PO
PO Toolset
Unintentional misbehavior
Keep Your
STEP C1:
"On purpose" misbehavior
STEP B: CHILD PROBLEM TOOLBOX
Clear Communication
P
Toolset
Problem-Solving Toolset
STEP B:
Open the door. A cknowledge feelings.
STEP A:
Discipline Toolset PU Toolset
STEP C2:
NO
STEP C: PARENT PROBLEM TOOLBOX
F-A-X Listening Toolset
C
STEP A: PREVENTION TOOLBOX Independence Toolset
Walk up the stairs. P revent problems from starting or worsening..
Cooperation Toolset Self-Esteem Toolset Using the Universal Blueprint Foundation-Building Toolset
NO BUILD UP!
Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
For More Information
Free on-line course Includes support/discussion calls/webinars Free Articles, many include: Free Bonus Reports, such as: Parenting Styles Quiz Behavior Charts: research outcomes & effective use …and more!
CONTACT: Parents Toolshop® Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE Phone: 937-748-4541 http://www.ParentsToolshop.org [email protected] Presented by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE © 2000 – 2014, The Parent's Toolshop®. www.ParentsToolshop.org
30
