âTake a deep breath and tell yourself, 'This too shall pass.' Then
How to transform combative conversations into collaborative situations
Turning Combat { BY BRITTANY GLENN }
Into
Collaboration AN ARTICLE IN THE MAY 2008 ISSUE OF Human Resources Executive Online reported that frustrated employees may represent 20 percent or more of the total workforce. This story was published nearly a year ago. A lot’s happened since then. Just glance at the headlines or turn on the nightly news.
MARCH 2009
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
17
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration An Associated Press story in January reported that the number of Americans continuing to claim unemployment insurance (for the week ending January 17, 2009) was 4.78 million, the highest on records kept since 1967. It’s a stressful time for employees of corporate America. Those who have lost their jobs are fearful and frustrated. But the ones left behind—the ones who watched as their fellow employees got pink slips—are dealing with frustration of their own. Sure, they kept their jobs, but they’re expected to do more for the same salary and with less job security.
You might have noticed that your clients are a little more on edge than usual. They may have been a bit more confrontational lately. Sure, you can fire a client; but, you can’t fire all of them. At some point, you have to adapt. You might have noticed that your clients are a little more on edge than usual. They may have been a bit more confrontational lately. Sure, you can fire a client; but, you can’t fire all of them. At some point, you have to adapt. But what can you do? According to Jamie Showkeir—who along with Maren Showkeir is a partner of the business consultancy Henning-Showkeir & Associates and co-author of Authentic Conversations: Moving from Manipulation to Truth and Commitment—and Holly Weeks, founder of consulting firm Holly Weeks Communications and author of Failure to Communicate, we can learn the skills to turn confrontation into collaboration. It is possible to successfully steer potentially hostile conversations into safer territory—even if our conversational counterparts seem bent on having a heated discussion. This skill may be critical in the coming months as the pressure cooker of corporate America continues to seethe. “How a salesperson confronts difficult issues is important,” Showkeir says. “One of the more difficult conversations between a client and a consultant is when the client promises to do something and doesn’t follow through. When the client doesn’t follow through on things he or she should do, such as providing artwork, it can be difficult to raise the issue with the client. Consultants measure their time investment relative to the commissions they make.” Mark Fyten, MAS, owner of Pierz, Minnesota-based distributor Your ADvocate (UPIC: Advocate), agrees that
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PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
MARCH 2009
many conflicts are the result of consultants who are concerned about their commissions. And who can blame them? “I want to provide value, but I want to be compensated for that value in the transaction,” Fyten explains. However, if we don’t watch out, conversations can quickly and easily morph into combat. “The combat mentality makes us treat difficult conversations like battlefields with winners and losers,” Weeks says. “When we are caught in combat mentality, we think there are power rules that determine who will ‘win.’” However, despite our natural defensive instincts, it is possible to redirect hostility into harmony. “We can change the direction and outcome of tough conversations unilaterally,” Weeks says. “It’s all about balance—within yourself, and between yourself and your counterpart.” Showkeir agrees. “Approach your counterpart from a perspective of ‘let’s figure out how to work this out,’ and not from a perspective of ‘I’m going to take a pound of your flesh …’” he says. Weeks says respect is crucial to defusing a hostile client. “A conversation with three-way respect—that is, respect for ourselves, our counterpart and the problem between us—is in balance,” Weeks says. “It’s hard to slide from there into personally adversarial warfare.” Listen And Learn “Any time you’re dealing with conflicts, the most important thing to do is to listen first,” says Frederick A. Albrecht, CEO of Milford, Ohio-based distributor Albrecht & Co. (UPIC: ALBRECHT). “I try to get to the bottom of their hostility. Something has caused them concern, whether it’s their perception or reality. Unfortunately, we have to treat their perceptions.” Fyten, too, says the first thing he does when confronted with a combative client is listen and learn. “Then I try to give the client feedback based on what I heard,” he says. “It’s a matter of being open, finding out the facts and discovering the true source of where the hostility is coming from.” Wayne Greenberg, MAS, of Tampa-based distributor JB of Florida, Inc., a division of Geiger (UPIC: JBOFFLA), says if someone becomes combative, he purposefully remains calm and cool. “Then I try to understand what the real problem is,” he says. “There’s often something else going on that the client is not talking about.” Albrecht also says it’s important to listen carefully to the customer to make sure you understand the real problem. “This doesn’t mean the customer is right all the time,” he explains. “But you have to know what the other person’s goal is. Then you can identify what your needs are or the needs of the vendor if you’re dealing with a
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration three-way split. Then look for a resolution that satisfies all three parties’ needs and goals.” Greenberg reminds us that listening to clients may reveal previously unrealized miscommunication or misinformation. “What I’ve learned is that in a lot of combative situations, not everybody has the entire picture,” he says. “So they may be upset about something based on pieces of information instead of the whole jigsaw puzzle.” Showkeir says it’s important to tell the truth—as you know it. “That doesn’t mean your truth and your client’s truth are going to fit hand and glove,” he adds. “But be open to new information that may alter your point of view.” Hear The Other Side In fact, to demonstrate that you’ve truly heard your customer’s grievance, try arguing their side for them. “The heart of truly collaborating is being able to argue your counterpart’s point of view,” Showkeir says. “You embody the nature of collaboration by arguing your counterpart’s point of view, which shows him that you understand what he is saying.” If this idea makes you nervous, you’re not alone.
“If you remain focused on collaborating and reaching a mutually agreeable decision, then it’s not difficult to argue the other person’s point of view. It’s easier than we think if we’re willing to do the personal work.” —JAMIE SHOWKEIR “Often people are reluctant to argue the other side because they’re afraid that it will give the other argument more credence than their own,” Showkeir says. “But this is the stance of someone who wants to win, not collaborate. “If you remain focused on collaborating and reaching a mutually agreeable decision, then it’s not difficult to argue the other person’s point of view,” Showkeir continues. “It’s easier than we think if we’re willing to do the personal work. It’s only difficult when you want to win.” The final piece of successfully navigating hostile waters is to be willing to accept responsibility for your
MARCH 2009
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
19
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration
Combat Into Collaboration
Crib Sheet Here’s a recap of how to take difficult conversations with clients and turn them into collaborative solutions. • Listen to the client’s complaint. • Express your intention to work things out and approach the situation with good will. • Clarify your client’s viewpoint by asking questions to ensure you understand. • Repeat the client’s side to demonstrate you really do understand his or her perspective. • Be willing to change your mind if new information is presented. • Tell the truth from your perspective. • Take responsibility for your own contribution to the problem. • Determine what it will take to reconcile and satisfy your client’s concerns. —BRITTANY GLENN
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PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
MARCH 2009
participation in the problem—even if it was unintentional or you made an innocent mistake. “Be willing to own your contribution to the problem,” Showkeir says. Good Will Hunting Perhaps the best piece of advice is to bring a positive attitude to any conversation. “Bring good will to any conversation,” Showkeir says. “Good will is a matter of intention as is telling the truth, showing compassion, being empathetic to the client’s position and being willing to confront the difficult issues that come up in relationships. You can choose to engage your counterpart with good will and empathy. “This is particularly difficult to do when my perception of our relationship is that I have more at stake than you do, which is often the case with consultant/client relationships,” Showkeir continues. “But how you handle tough conversations with clients can make or break your business.” Fyten agrees that you should go into situations with the attitude of wanting what’s best for everybody. “If you
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration keep your customers’ best interests in mind, things will turn out okay,” Fyten says. Greenberg takes a more holistic approach. “Take a deep breath and tell yourself, ‘This too shall pass,’” he says. “Then mentally say to yourself, ‘Isn’t this interesting? Let’s see where this goes.’ Take an out-of-body experience and say to yourself, ‘What’s going on here?’ It’s always interesting to see what sets off somebody else.” Sometimes when clients suddenly become combative, it may have more to do with the fact that their bosses just came down on them, Greenberg points out. “If a client I’ve known for a long time suddenly goes off, I’ll usually just break out in a broad smile and not say a word,” he says. “That totally disarms them and stops the tirade. “I verbally and emotionally put my arm around them and say, ‘Okay, let me help you get through this difficult period,’” Greenberg continues. “It works. Usually you get an apology and a thank-you later on.” After 30 years in the promotional products industry, Albrecht says he’s learned to deal with all kinds of personalities. “It really is about making everybody happy,” he says. “And our vendor relationships are just as important as our
“Take a deep breath and tell yourself, ‘This too shall pass.’ Then mentally say to yourself, ‘Isn’t this interesting? Let’s see where this goes.’ Take an out-of-body experience and say to yourself, ‘What’s going on here?’” —WAYNE GREENBERG, MAS customer relationships. It’s about satisfying everybody’s needs. You just have to find out what the needs are.” “The bottom line is about finding a resolution,” Albrecht adds. “Discover what everybody’s needs are, and then figure out how you can satisfy them. If you can do all these things, everybody wins—and you’ll be the hero.” P C A Dallas-based freelance journalist, Brittany Glenn writes about current issues, trends and the economy for consumer and business-to-business magazines. She is a former associate editor for PPB magazine.
MARCH 2009
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
21
Turning Combat { BY BRITTANY GLENN }
Into
Collaboration AN ARTICLE IN THE MAY 2008 ISSUE OF Human Resources Executive Online reported that frustrated employees may represent 20 percent or more of the total workforce. This story was published nearly a year ago. A lot’s happened since then. Just glance at the headlines or turn on the nightly news.
MARCH 2009
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
17
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration An Associated Press story in January reported that the number of Americans continuing to claim unemployment insurance (for the week ending January 17, 2009) was 4.78 million, the highest on records kept since 1967. It’s a stressful time for employees of corporate America. Those who have lost their jobs are fearful and frustrated. But the ones left behind—the ones who watched as their fellow employees got pink slips—are dealing with frustration of their own. Sure, they kept their jobs, but they’re expected to do more for the same salary and with less job security.
You might have noticed that your clients are a little more on edge than usual. They may have been a bit more confrontational lately. Sure, you can fire a client; but, you can’t fire all of them. At some point, you have to adapt. You might have noticed that your clients are a little more on edge than usual. They may have been a bit more confrontational lately. Sure, you can fire a client; but, you can’t fire all of them. At some point, you have to adapt. But what can you do? According to Jamie Showkeir—who along with Maren Showkeir is a partner of the business consultancy Henning-Showkeir & Associates and co-author of Authentic Conversations: Moving from Manipulation to Truth and Commitment—and Holly Weeks, founder of consulting firm Holly Weeks Communications and author of Failure to Communicate, we can learn the skills to turn confrontation into collaboration. It is possible to successfully steer potentially hostile conversations into safer territory—even if our conversational counterparts seem bent on having a heated discussion. This skill may be critical in the coming months as the pressure cooker of corporate America continues to seethe. “How a salesperson confronts difficult issues is important,” Showkeir says. “One of the more difficult conversations between a client and a consultant is when the client promises to do something and doesn’t follow through. When the client doesn’t follow through on things he or she should do, such as providing artwork, it can be difficult to raise the issue with the client. Consultants measure their time investment relative to the commissions they make.” Mark Fyten, MAS, owner of Pierz, Minnesota-based distributor Your ADvocate (UPIC: Advocate), agrees that
18
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
MARCH 2009
many conflicts are the result of consultants who are concerned about their commissions. And who can blame them? “I want to provide value, but I want to be compensated for that value in the transaction,” Fyten explains. However, if we don’t watch out, conversations can quickly and easily morph into combat. “The combat mentality makes us treat difficult conversations like battlefields with winners and losers,” Weeks says. “When we are caught in combat mentality, we think there are power rules that determine who will ‘win.’” However, despite our natural defensive instincts, it is possible to redirect hostility into harmony. “We can change the direction and outcome of tough conversations unilaterally,” Weeks says. “It’s all about balance—within yourself, and between yourself and your counterpart.” Showkeir agrees. “Approach your counterpart from a perspective of ‘let’s figure out how to work this out,’ and not from a perspective of ‘I’m going to take a pound of your flesh …’” he says. Weeks says respect is crucial to defusing a hostile client. “A conversation with three-way respect—that is, respect for ourselves, our counterpart and the problem between us—is in balance,” Weeks says. “It’s hard to slide from there into personally adversarial warfare.” Listen And Learn “Any time you’re dealing with conflicts, the most important thing to do is to listen first,” says Frederick A. Albrecht, CEO of Milford, Ohio-based distributor Albrecht & Co. (UPIC: ALBRECHT). “I try to get to the bottom of their hostility. Something has caused them concern, whether it’s their perception or reality. Unfortunately, we have to treat their perceptions.” Fyten, too, says the first thing he does when confronted with a combative client is listen and learn. “Then I try to give the client feedback based on what I heard,” he says. “It’s a matter of being open, finding out the facts and discovering the true source of where the hostility is coming from.” Wayne Greenberg, MAS, of Tampa-based distributor JB of Florida, Inc., a division of Geiger (UPIC: JBOFFLA), says if someone becomes combative, he purposefully remains calm and cool. “Then I try to understand what the real problem is,” he says. “There’s often something else going on that the client is not talking about.” Albrecht also says it’s important to listen carefully to the customer to make sure you understand the real problem. “This doesn’t mean the customer is right all the time,” he explains. “But you have to know what the other person’s goal is. Then you can identify what your needs are or the needs of the vendor if you’re dealing with a
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration three-way split. Then look for a resolution that satisfies all three parties’ needs and goals.” Greenberg reminds us that listening to clients may reveal previously unrealized miscommunication or misinformation. “What I’ve learned is that in a lot of combative situations, not everybody has the entire picture,” he says. “So they may be upset about something based on pieces of information instead of the whole jigsaw puzzle.” Showkeir says it’s important to tell the truth—as you know it. “That doesn’t mean your truth and your client’s truth are going to fit hand and glove,” he adds. “But be open to new information that may alter your point of view.” Hear The Other Side In fact, to demonstrate that you’ve truly heard your customer’s grievance, try arguing their side for them. “The heart of truly collaborating is being able to argue your counterpart’s point of view,” Showkeir says. “You embody the nature of collaboration by arguing your counterpart’s point of view, which shows him that you understand what he is saying.” If this idea makes you nervous, you’re not alone.
“If you remain focused on collaborating and reaching a mutually agreeable decision, then it’s not difficult to argue the other person’s point of view. It’s easier than we think if we’re willing to do the personal work.” —JAMIE SHOWKEIR “Often people are reluctant to argue the other side because they’re afraid that it will give the other argument more credence than their own,” Showkeir says. “But this is the stance of someone who wants to win, not collaborate. “If you remain focused on collaborating and reaching a mutually agreeable decision, then it’s not difficult to argue the other person’s point of view,” Showkeir continues. “It’s easier than we think if we’re willing to do the personal work. It’s only difficult when you want to win.” The final piece of successfully navigating hostile waters is to be willing to accept responsibility for your
MARCH 2009
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
19
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration
Combat Into Collaboration
Crib Sheet Here’s a recap of how to take difficult conversations with clients and turn them into collaborative solutions. • Listen to the client’s complaint. • Express your intention to work things out and approach the situation with good will. • Clarify your client’s viewpoint by asking questions to ensure you understand. • Repeat the client’s side to demonstrate you really do understand his or her perspective. • Be willing to change your mind if new information is presented. • Tell the truth from your perspective. • Take responsibility for your own contribution to the problem. • Determine what it will take to reconcile and satisfy your client’s concerns. —BRITTANY GLENN
20
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
MARCH 2009
participation in the problem—even if it was unintentional or you made an innocent mistake. “Be willing to own your contribution to the problem,” Showkeir says. Good Will Hunting Perhaps the best piece of advice is to bring a positive attitude to any conversation. “Bring good will to any conversation,” Showkeir says. “Good will is a matter of intention as is telling the truth, showing compassion, being empathetic to the client’s position and being willing to confront the difficult issues that come up in relationships. You can choose to engage your counterpart with good will and empathy. “This is particularly difficult to do when my perception of our relationship is that I have more at stake than you do, which is often the case with consultant/client relationships,” Showkeir continues. “But how you handle tough conversations with clients can make or break your business.” Fyten agrees that you should go into situations with the attitude of wanting what’s best for everybody. “If you
Turning Combat Into
Collaboration keep your customers’ best interests in mind, things will turn out okay,” Fyten says. Greenberg takes a more holistic approach. “Take a deep breath and tell yourself, ‘This too shall pass,’” he says. “Then mentally say to yourself, ‘Isn’t this interesting? Let’s see where this goes.’ Take an out-of-body experience and say to yourself, ‘What’s going on here?’ It’s always interesting to see what sets off somebody else.” Sometimes when clients suddenly become combative, it may have more to do with the fact that their bosses just came down on them, Greenberg points out. “If a client I’ve known for a long time suddenly goes off, I’ll usually just break out in a broad smile and not say a word,” he says. “That totally disarms them and stops the tirade. “I verbally and emotionally put my arm around them and say, ‘Okay, let me help you get through this difficult period,’” Greenberg continues. “It works. Usually you get an apology and a thank-you later on.” After 30 years in the promotional products industry, Albrecht says he’s learned to deal with all kinds of personalities. “It really is about making everybody happy,” he says. “And our vendor relationships are just as important as our
“Take a deep breath and tell yourself, ‘This too shall pass.’ Then mentally say to yourself, ‘Isn’t this interesting? Let’s see where this goes.’ Take an out-of-body experience and say to yourself, ‘What’s going on here?’” —WAYNE GREENBERG, MAS customer relationships. It’s about satisfying everybody’s needs. You just have to find out what the needs are.” “The bottom line is about finding a resolution,” Albrecht adds. “Discover what everybody’s needs are, and then figure out how you can satisfy them. If you can do all these things, everybody wins—and you’ll be the hero.” P C A Dallas-based freelance journalist, Brittany Glenn writes about current issues, trends and the economy for consumer and business-to-business magazines. She is a former associate editor for PPB magazine.
MARCH 2009
PROMOTIONAL CONSULTANT
21
