C's of the Compassionate Conflict
Compassionate Conflict Resolu1on 3 Simple Steps to Create Peace in Your Family
What you will learn
About us
• Why advice from other experts about
• Background working with children with
• The 2 most important paren1ng ques1ons • 3-‐C’s of the Compassionate Conflict
• Paren1ng books were not answering our
conflict with kids doesn’t work
resolu1on process
disabili1es and as teachers
ques1ons, read science and research
• Knew not to spank, but what about 1me outs, and “good jobs”
Two Ques1ons • What do you want your kids to do? • What do you want their reason for doing it to be?
•
Coercion: Fear of something bad (punishment), or desire for something good (reward)? Even 1me outs and “good jobs”
Science of Conflict • Kohn: Using punishment/1me outs or praise/
rewards do work, but only temporarily, rewards decrease the likelihood of the desired behavior
• Rosenberg: All behaviors are an aXempt to meet a need. Needs are universal.
• GoXman: How couples handle conflict predicts if they will stay together
• OR Connec1on: doing something because they
• Goleman: Being part of the group is connected to
Back in the “lab”
“Textbook”
• Swung on the pendulum • We make mistakes, make mistakes at a
• Nonviolent Communica1on by Marshall
are part of a family?
higher frequency than you can at home
• People started showing up in our classroom
survival
Rosenberg, PhD
• Observa1on • Feeling • Need • Request
3 C ’s of Compassionate Conflict Resolu1on • Step 1: Connect • Step 2: Clarify • Step 3: Collaborate • Each step has a sentence for you to say.
Connect • “You are feeling ___.” • Child needs to be connected to you before she can listen to you
• Make a deposit in the emo1onal bank account
• Show empathy but don’t dwell here
Empathy
Barriers to Connec1on
• The ability to understand and share the
• Your feelings, judgements, unmet needs • Time pressures • Your feelings about your child hibng/
feelings of another
• Silence, presence, iden1fy feeling • Giving the message -‐ “You make sense to me.”
• Mirror what the child says
ignoring you
• Your feelings about your child’s feelings
Bridges to Connec1on • AXribute to children the best possible
mo1ve consistent with the facts. -‐ Nel Noddings
• Self empathy • Observe with curiosity rather than judgement
Calming down • No ques1ons asked 5-‐minutes • Sensory strategies • Visual • Auditory • Touch • Movement
What If’s • If child is hibng/yelling at you or another child, connec1on will oden stop it
• Protec1on is some1mes necessary • If child runs away or ignores you, ask yourself
“Am I connec1ng?” if needed, come back later
• If you are triggered, connect with yourself first before connec1ng with another
Calming Do’s • Have a wriXen plan, that everyone can “read” in a common area of house/car
• Do it together if possible: family dance party, wrestling with adult in the backyard, family yoga
• Read the plan even if the child doesn’t want to do any of it
Calming Don’ts
What’s the science
• TV, video games, email for the adults • Maybe no books • Maybe don’t go to bed • Maybe don’t eat, drinking is okay • Not for more than 5-‐minutes, un1l you
• Emo1ons are contagious • You teach your kids regula1on by helping
Clarify
Clarify
check in
• “You want ___.” • Our wants are from our needs • Universal human need: Autonomy? Belonging? Comfort? Play? etc
• Don’t have to say the need out loud • Iden1fy child’s need and your need (or the need of the other person involved)
them return to a regulated state
• Connect to their feelings (amygdala),
before their thinking brain (prefrontal cortex)
• Iden1fying feelings calms the amygdala
• Not about solving the problem • Understanding the problem • Seek first to understand then to be understood
Clarifying Don’ts • Iden1fy a problem with only one solu1on, i.e. only I can help my child ___ and I am not available
Collaborate • “How could we solve this?” • Brainstorm, consider all op1ons, be crea1ve, maybe even be silly
• Whatever needs you’ve iden1fied, there are lots of different ways to meet them
• Not all needs get met all the 1me
Kids can’t reach a consensus
Child/adult can’t reach a consensus
• If kids can’t think of ideas: • Suggest some strategies of your own • Ask others what they would do • If parental needs are not being
• Return to the original agreement • Reconsider your expecta1ons (e.g. age
impacted: Allow things to be unresolved
appropriate)
• Evaluate the context (e.g. sleep) • Take a break, agree to come back later • You may have to set a limit (e.g. video games off-‐limits) un1l a consensus is reached
Summary What if it all falls apart? Go backward.
• 2 Most Important Ques1ons: • What do you want your kids to do? • What do you want their reason for doing it to be?
• Coercion OR Connec1on • Time outs and praise work only
temporarily, and not for the right reason
Summary • 3 C’s of Compassionate Conflict Resolu1on • Connect “You feel ___.” • Clarify “You want ___.” • Collaborate “How could we solve this?” • Have a wriXen plan for calming
What was your take home message from today?
Ques1on and Answer
What you will learn
About us
• Why advice from other experts about
• Background working with children with
• The 2 most important paren1ng ques1ons • 3-‐C’s of the Compassionate Conflict
• Paren1ng books were not answering our
conflict with kids doesn’t work
resolu1on process
disabili1es and as teachers
ques1ons, read science and research
• Knew not to spank, but what about 1me outs, and “good jobs”
Two Ques1ons • What do you want your kids to do? • What do you want their reason for doing it to be?
•
Coercion: Fear of something bad (punishment), or desire for something good (reward)? Even 1me outs and “good jobs”
Science of Conflict • Kohn: Using punishment/1me outs or praise/
rewards do work, but only temporarily, rewards decrease the likelihood of the desired behavior
• Rosenberg: All behaviors are an aXempt to meet a need. Needs are universal.
• GoXman: How couples handle conflict predicts if they will stay together
• OR Connec1on: doing something because they
• Goleman: Being part of the group is connected to
Back in the “lab”
“Textbook”
• Swung on the pendulum • We make mistakes, make mistakes at a
• Nonviolent Communica1on by Marshall
are part of a family?
higher frequency than you can at home
• People started showing up in our classroom
survival
Rosenberg, PhD
• Observa1on • Feeling • Need • Request
3 C ’s of Compassionate Conflict Resolu1on • Step 1: Connect • Step 2: Clarify • Step 3: Collaborate • Each step has a sentence for you to say.
Connect • “You are feeling ___.” • Child needs to be connected to you before she can listen to you
• Make a deposit in the emo1onal bank account
• Show empathy but don’t dwell here
Empathy
Barriers to Connec1on
• The ability to understand and share the
• Your feelings, judgements, unmet needs • Time pressures • Your feelings about your child hibng/
feelings of another
• Silence, presence, iden1fy feeling • Giving the message -‐ “You make sense to me.”
• Mirror what the child says
ignoring you
• Your feelings about your child’s feelings
Bridges to Connec1on • AXribute to children the best possible
mo1ve consistent with the facts. -‐ Nel Noddings
• Self empathy • Observe with curiosity rather than judgement
Calming down • No ques1ons asked 5-‐minutes • Sensory strategies • Visual • Auditory • Touch • Movement
What If’s • If child is hibng/yelling at you or another child, connec1on will oden stop it
• Protec1on is some1mes necessary • If child runs away or ignores you, ask yourself
“Am I connec1ng?” if needed, come back later
• If you are triggered, connect with yourself first before connec1ng with another
Calming Do’s • Have a wriXen plan, that everyone can “read” in a common area of house/car
• Do it together if possible: family dance party, wrestling with adult in the backyard, family yoga
• Read the plan even if the child doesn’t want to do any of it
Calming Don’ts
What’s the science
• TV, video games, email for the adults • Maybe no books • Maybe don’t go to bed • Maybe don’t eat, drinking is okay • Not for more than 5-‐minutes, un1l you
• Emo1ons are contagious • You teach your kids regula1on by helping
Clarify
Clarify
check in
• “You want ___.” • Our wants are from our needs • Universal human need: Autonomy? Belonging? Comfort? Play? etc
• Don’t have to say the need out loud • Iden1fy child’s need and your need (or the need of the other person involved)
them return to a regulated state
• Connect to their feelings (amygdala),
before their thinking brain (prefrontal cortex)
• Iden1fying feelings calms the amygdala
• Not about solving the problem • Understanding the problem • Seek first to understand then to be understood
Clarifying Don’ts • Iden1fy a problem with only one solu1on, i.e. only I can help my child ___ and I am not available
Collaborate • “How could we solve this?” • Brainstorm, consider all op1ons, be crea1ve, maybe even be silly
• Whatever needs you’ve iden1fied, there are lots of different ways to meet them
• Not all needs get met all the 1me
Kids can’t reach a consensus
Child/adult can’t reach a consensus
• If kids can’t think of ideas: • Suggest some strategies of your own • Ask others what they would do • If parental needs are not being
• Return to the original agreement • Reconsider your expecta1ons (e.g. age
impacted: Allow things to be unresolved
appropriate)
• Evaluate the context (e.g. sleep) • Take a break, agree to come back later • You may have to set a limit (e.g. video games off-‐limits) un1l a consensus is reached
Summary What if it all falls apart? Go backward.
• 2 Most Important Ques1ons: • What do you want your kids to do? • What do you want their reason for doing it to be?
• Coercion OR Connec1on • Time outs and praise work only
temporarily, and not for the right reason
Summary • 3 C’s of Compassionate Conflict Resolu1on • Connect “You feel ___.” • Clarify “You want ___.” • Collaborate “How could we solve this?” • Have a wriXen plan for calming
What was your take home message from today?
Ques1on and Answer
