Ben Rosenfeld
russian 0 ptimism: dark nursery rhymes t0 cheer y0u right up edited and translated by ben r0senfeld illustrated by d0v smiley
dedicati0ns This book is dedicated to the following people who made this project possible: Alex Rosenfeld and Marina Aparina: For Inspiring This Project Chris Antzoulis: For Connecting Ben and Dov Alyssa Wolff: For Publishing Guidance Cory Doctorow and BoingBoing.net Tyler Cowen and MarginalRevolution.com Tyler Gildin, Connor Toole and EliteDaily.com Joshua Alan Simon and Alicia Blair Caldwell Simon Josh Sacks
English Text Copyright © 2015 by Ben Rosenfeld Illustrations Copyright © 2015 Ben Rosenfeld All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. ISBN: 978-0-9908552-1-7 Design by Chris James BigBenComedy New York, NY www.BigBenComedy.com
ii
russian 0ptimism
Anastasia Saltarelli Paul Miller Katrina Mills Scott Lurowist Michael Quaintance Katy Costello Patrick Bittner Mikhail Krylov: Don't stop composing Nicholas Thaw in honor of Tatiana Gapkovskaya Theora Cheatham Stefan Hofer Catherine G. Donahue Aleksandr Y. Troyb Xavier "Харитон" IrAal Douglas Candano / Дуглас Кандано Ali Farahnakian and The People's Improv Theater
iii
table 0f c0ntents INTR0DUCTI0N Chapter 1: M0ral Messages
Chapter 5: Cl0se Calls
The Bright Side Don’t Ask Stupid Questions Digging A Hole Mom’s Bedroom The Old Lawnmower
The Flower Pot Father and Son The Lovely Couple Surprise Chapter 6: Cheery Children
Chapter 2: Parenting P0inters The Happy Singers The Actor The Zamboni The Sandbox Windy Day
Mom’s Gifts The House Guests The Harmonica School’s Out Cherries
Chapter 7: Expl0sive Endings
Chapter 3: Classic C00king The Woods The Pineapple The Snorer This Last One Makes No Sense
Dinner The Boiling Pot Gamey Meat The Oven Chapter 4: Aquatic Adventures The Rat Good Timing A Cyprus Vacation
INTR0DUCTI0N Last year, I was in a funk and visited my dad. To cheer me up, he started reading some dark Russian nursery rhymes. The stories were so morbid and over the top that I laughed and laughed. I realized my life wasn’t that bad and the joy came back. Shortly thereafter, I decided to share these gruesomely funny rhymes with the English-speaking world. I was born in the Soviet Union and my family immigrated to the United States when I was a child. Speaking Russian at home while living in America gave me a unique perspective of the similarities and differences between Russia and America. The biggest cultural difference is the level of optimism. Generally speaking, Americans expect each generation to accomplish more than the previous one. Russians expect each generation to suffer and be miserable. In reality, we all suffer the same, but Americans view suffering as a temporary setback whereas Russians see it as inevitable. is ul ural di eren e is also re e ed in ovies ussian l s don usuall ave happy endings, and many Russians look down on mainstream American movies because of all e redi a le a endings In an A eri an l no a er o u rou le e protagonist is in, he always prevails. Russian movies aren’t usually as predictable. If it looks like the main character might not make it, he probably won’t. When I came across these dark Russian nursery rhymes, I thought they truly captured the difference between cultures. These poems are a dark way of saying, “Don’t be so sad, things could be worse.” All of these short tales have an A-A, B-B or A-B, A-B rhyme scheme. As an editorial decision, I decided to not rhyme them in English. Instead, the translation focuses on conveying the meaning. In the following pages, I’ve shared the original Russian rhyme, the English translation and transliteration. I hope you’ll be able to recite your favorite rhymes in Russian and surprise the Russian speakers in your life with something more entertaining than a simple “da,” “nyet” or “privet.” So go ahead and use this Russian Optimism to cheer up someone in your life. - Ben Rosenfeld, New York City, November 2014
iv
russian 0ptimism
1
The Bright Side In my childhood, my mom gouged out my eyes, o a I ouldn nd e a Now I don’t watch movies and I don’t read fairy tales, u on e rig side I s ell and ear reall ell н р
то
а а
н ато
д тст олола гла и а у ар н н на л о у ино и н ита с а и н а и сл у оро о
Mne mama v detstve vykolola glazki, C o ia v s a u varen e ne nas el Teper’ ia ne khozhu v kino i ne chitaiu skazki, a o ia niu aiu i sl s u oros o
2
russian 0ptimism
M0ral messages
3
N’TAsk ASK STUPID DD 00 n’t Stupid QUESTI Quesit00NS ns
I asked Peter the electrician, “Why is there copper wire around your neck?” He didn’t respond, is oo s us s a ed uie l
о
с росил л три а тро а у у ас на дн ро од и го от т он н с а ал ол о ти о ота и а ал
Ia sprosil elektrika Petrova, “Pochemu u Vas na shee mednyi provod?” Nichego v otvet on ne skazal, ol o i o o a i a al
4
russian 0ptimism
M0ral messages
5
Digging a h0le A li le o as digging a ole in e ground uddenl is s ovel i e al His arms are on the pine tree, his balls on the oak tree: ou s ould e ore are ul la ing i land ines ал н и ал и у о ал друг о л у ударил талл у и на л а у ду а ино н л о ра ат с та гру о alen drug u i inoi nel
6
russian 0ptimism
ii al i ia u o al o ele u udaril e all na el e iai sa u du a ia o ras a sia a gru o
M0ral messages
7
M0M’S BEDR00M From mom’s bedroom, A crooked legged cripple erged I as dad I al e sa e ur gene ool is ad Ка
a
и а ино и с ал ни Кри оноги и ро о л а а та о но онд у нас ло о
Kak iz maminoi iz spal’ni, Krivonogii i khromoi s el a a Ia a oi e eno ond u nas lo oi
8
russian 0ptimism
M0ral messages
9
M0m’s Gifts Mom gave her kids some gifts: Peter got an axe. Sergey got a metal pick. Misha got a crow bar. Vasya got a knife… Their drunk neighbor doesn’t bother them anymore. а а д ти а с ои ода ила т то о и н ило ит н ло и а ас н но и н сос д ол и н т о ит Mama detishkam svoim podarila: e e o ori ere en e s ilo i en e lo i a asen e no i ian i sosed ol s e i ne revo i
12
russian 0ptimism
parenting p0inters
13
THIS LAST 0NE MAKES N0 SENSE A little boy quietly played in the kitchen. A bulldozer came up from behind. “A bulldozer in the kitchen? Haha! That’s bullshit!” ou re laug ing a laug u e o is dead ал и на у н ти он о играл ади ул до р н у од ал ул до р на у н Ха а то р д т с у с т с ал и а н т Mal’chik na kukhne tikhon’ko igral. Szadi bul’dozer k nemu pod’ezzhal. ul do er na u ne a a o red ee es u s ei es A al i a ne 60
russian 0ptimism
EXPL0SIVE ENDINGS
61
B
ab0ut the creat0rs
en Rosenfeld is a e or Ci ased s and u o edian and ri er o as appeared on FOX’s Laughs CBS This Morning and Rooftop Comedy. He was featured as TimeOut New York’s Joke of the Week and has headlined at Caroline’s on Broadway. He is e o os o e ee l od as The Passive Aggressive Podcast and has a o ed al u Neuro Comedy o o i are availa le on i unes Ben was born in the Soviet Union and his family immigrated to America en e as a ild e ore e o ing a ull i e o edian e or ed as a anage en onsul an or A en ure a or une e nolog o an and was enrolled in a neuro economics Ph.D. program at Caltech on a full scholarship. Ben previously wrote How To Find Your Passion an e oo and o iva ional se inar el s ig s ool and ollege s uden s ore losel de ne eir u ure areer oi es
a
See More Of Ben At: BigBenComedy.com
D
ov Smiley is a published comic artist and illustrator. Having studied at both the Ontario College of Art and Design CAD and e u er ool Dov s od of work can be found in various publications and an ologies os re en l Dov sel u lis ed The Book of Jonah i an e found on his website: JonahComic.com.
C
Dov is not Russian…and is really hoping Russians have a good sense of humor.
More about Chris can be found on his site: RaisedUnderPowerLines.com.
hris James is a print designer. He sees e orld in C an agen a ello and Black. He’s an art school graduate who is consumed with regrets about attending art s ool e s also a s and u comedian and speaker. His one an s o Half-Lesbian - A Straight Dude’s Guide to Growing Up With Lesbian Parents as earned i praise.
See Bonus Material and Order More Copies Of The Book At: www.RussianOptimism.com
62
russian 0ptimism
63
dedicati0ns This book is dedicated to the following people who made this project possible: Alex Rosenfeld and Marina Aparina: For Inspiring This Project Chris Antzoulis: For Connecting Ben and Dov Alyssa Wolff: For Publishing Guidance Cory Doctorow and BoingBoing.net Tyler Cowen and MarginalRevolution.com Tyler Gildin, Connor Toole and EliteDaily.com Joshua Alan Simon and Alicia Blair Caldwell Simon Josh Sacks
English Text Copyright © 2015 by Ben Rosenfeld Illustrations Copyright © 2015 Ben Rosenfeld All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. ISBN: 978-0-9908552-1-7 Design by Chris James BigBenComedy New York, NY www.BigBenComedy.com
ii
russian 0ptimism
Anastasia Saltarelli Paul Miller Katrina Mills Scott Lurowist Michael Quaintance Katy Costello Patrick Bittner Mikhail Krylov: Don't stop composing Nicholas Thaw in honor of Tatiana Gapkovskaya Theora Cheatham Stefan Hofer Catherine G. Donahue Aleksandr Y. Troyb Xavier "Харитон" IrAal Douglas Candano / Дуглас Кандано Ali Farahnakian and The People's Improv Theater
iii
table 0f c0ntents INTR0DUCTI0N Chapter 1: M0ral Messages
Chapter 5: Cl0se Calls
The Bright Side Don’t Ask Stupid Questions Digging A Hole Mom’s Bedroom The Old Lawnmower
The Flower Pot Father and Son The Lovely Couple Surprise Chapter 6: Cheery Children
Chapter 2: Parenting P0inters The Happy Singers The Actor The Zamboni The Sandbox Windy Day
Mom’s Gifts The House Guests The Harmonica School’s Out Cherries
Chapter 7: Expl0sive Endings
Chapter 3: Classic C00king The Woods The Pineapple The Snorer This Last One Makes No Sense
Dinner The Boiling Pot Gamey Meat The Oven Chapter 4: Aquatic Adventures The Rat Good Timing A Cyprus Vacation
INTR0DUCTI0N Last year, I was in a funk and visited my dad. To cheer me up, he started reading some dark Russian nursery rhymes. The stories were so morbid and over the top that I laughed and laughed. I realized my life wasn’t that bad and the joy came back. Shortly thereafter, I decided to share these gruesomely funny rhymes with the English-speaking world. I was born in the Soviet Union and my family immigrated to the United States when I was a child. Speaking Russian at home while living in America gave me a unique perspective of the similarities and differences between Russia and America. The biggest cultural difference is the level of optimism. Generally speaking, Americans expect each generation to accomplish more than the previous one. Russians expect each generation to suffer and be miserable. In reality, we all suffer the same, but Americans view suffering as a temporary setback whereas Russians see it as inevitable. is ul ural di eren e is also re e ed in ovies ussian l s don usuall ave happy endings, and many Russians look down on mainstream American movies because of all e redi a le a endings In an A eri an l no a er o u rou le e protagonist is in, he always prevails. Russian movies aren’t usually as predictable. If it looks like the main character might not make it, he probably won’t. When I came across these dark Russian nursery rhymes, I thought they truly captured the difference between cultures. These poems are a dark way of saying, “Don’t be so sad, things could be worse.” All of these short tales have an A-A, B-B or A-B, A-B rhyme scheme. As an editorial decision, I decided to not rhyme them in English. Instead, the translation focuses on conveying the meaning. In the following pages, I’ve shared the original Russian rhyme, the English translation and transliteration. I hope you’ll be able to recite your favorite rhymes in Russian and surprise the Russian speakers in your life with something more entertaining than a simple “da,” “nyet” or “privet.” So go ahead and use this Russian Optimism to cheer up someone in your life. - Ben Rosenfeld, New York City, November 2014
iv
russian 0ptimism
1
The Bright Side In my childhood, my mom gouged out my eyes, o a I ouldn nd e a Now I don’t watch movies and I don’t read fairy tales, u on e rig side I s ell and ear reall ell н р
то
а а
н ато
д тст олола гла и а у ар н н на л о у ино и н ита с а и н а и сл у оро о
Mne mama v detstve vykolola glazki, C o ia v s a u varen e ne nas el Teper’ ia ne khozhu v kino i ne chitaiu skazki, a o ia niu aiu i sl s u oros o
2
russian 0ptimism
M0ral messages
3
N’TAsk ASK STUPID DD 00 n’t Stupid QUESTI Quesit00NS ns
I asked Peter the electrician, “Why is there copper wire around your neck?” He didn’t respond, is oo s us s a ed uie l
о
с росил л три а тро а у у ас на дн ро од и го от т он н с а ал ол о ти о ота и а ал
Ia sprosil elektrika Petrova, “Pochemu u Vas na shee mednyi provod?” Nichego v otvet on ne skazal, ol o i o o a i a al
4
russian 0ptimism
M0ral messages
5
Digging a h0le A li le o as digging a ole in e ground uddenl is s ovel i e al His arms are on the pine tree, his balls on the oak tree: ou s ould e ore are ul la ing i land ines ал н и ал и у о ал друг о л у ударил талл у и на л а у ду а ино н л о ра ат с та гру о alen drug u i inoi nel
6
russian 0ptimism
ii al i ia u o al o ele u udaril e all na el e iai sa u du a ia o ras a sia a gru o
M0ral messages
7
M0M’S BEDR00M From mom’s bedroom, A crooked legged cripple erged I as dad I al e sa e ur gene ool is ad Ка
a
и а ино и с ал ни Кри оноги и ро о л а а та о но онд у нас ло о
Kak iz maminoi iz spal’ni, Krivonogii i khromoi s el a a Ia a oi e eno ond u nas lo oi
8
russian 0ptimism
M0ral messages
9
M0m’s Gifts Mom gave her kids some gifts: Peter got an axe. Sergey got a metal pick. Misha got a crow bar. Vasya got a knife… Their drunk neighbor doesn’t bother them anymore. а а д ти а с ои ода ила т то о и н ило ит н ло и а ас н но и н сос д ол и н т о ит Mama detishkam svoim podarila: e e o ori ere en e s ilo i en e lo i a asen e no i ian i sosed ol s e i ne revo i
12
russian 0ptimism
parenting p0inters
13
THIS LAST 0NE MAKES N0 SENSE A little boy quietly played in the kitchen. A bulldozer came up from behind. “A bulldozer in the kitchen? Haha! That’s bullshit!” ou re laug ing a laug u e o is dead ал и на у н ти он о играл ади ул до р н у од ал ул до р на у н Ха а то р д т с у с т с ал и а н т Mal’chik na kukhne tikhon’ko igral. Szadi bul’dozer k nemu pod’ezzhal. ul do er na u ne a a o red ee es u s ei es A al i a ne 60
russian 0ptimism
EXPL0SIVE ENDINGS
61
B
ab0ut the creat0rs
en Rosenfeld is a e or Ci ased s and u o edian and ri er o as appeared on FOX’s Laughs CBS This Morning and Rooftop Comedy. He was featured as TimeOut New York’s Joke of the Week and has headlined at Caroline’s on Broadway. He is e o os o e ee l od as The Passive Aggressive Podcast and has a o ed al u Neuro Comedy o o i are availa le on i unes Ben was born in the Soviet Union and his family immigrated to America en e as a ild e ore e o ing a ull i e o edian e or ed as a anage en onsul an or A en ure a or une e nolog o an and was enrolled in a neuro economics Ph.D. program at Caltech on a full scholarship. Ben previously wrote How To Find Your Passion an e oo and o iva ional se inar el s ig s ool and ollege s uden s ore losel de ne eir u ure areer oi es
a
See More Of Ben At: BigBenComedy.com
D
ov Smiley is a published comic artist and illustrator. Having studied at both the Ontario College of Art and Design CAD and e u er ool Dov s od of work can be found in various publications and an ologies os re en l Dov sel u lis ed The Book of Jonah i an e found on his website: JonahComic.com.
C
Dov is not Russian…and is really hoping Russians have a good sense of humor.
More about Chris can be found on his site: RaisedUnderPowerLines.com.
hris James is a print designer. He sees e orld in C an agen a ello and Black. He’s an art school graduate who is consumed with regrets about attending art s ool e s also a s and u comedian and speaker. His one an s o Half-Lesbian - A Straight Dude’s Guide to Growing Up With Lesbian Parents as earned i praise.
See Bonus Material and Order More Copies Of The Book At: www.RussianOptimism.com
62
russian 0ptimism
63
