Really Relating
SPORT SCIENCES AND MEDICINE PRO U™ ATHLETE ASSISTANCE
PHYSICALLY SPEAKING
AUGUST 2007
REALLY RELATING Everyone needs to feel loved and supported. Human interaction with supportive people can be a true lifesaver. The caring friend who brings the chicken soup has as much impact upon feeling better as the nourishment in the soup. Conversation, sharing, and being connected to others who are active, caring and have our interests at heart gives our life a purpose. Research shows that people with strong social relationships have better health. Marriage, one of the strongest relationships, adds years to life expectancy. Suicide, mental illness and alcoholism rates are much lower when people feel a sense of belonging. Scientific studies support the benefits of social interactions: • Lower stress levels Tennis & Sports Photos: Getty Images • Reduced likelihood of viral infections and Action Images • Reduced likelihood of episodes of major depression However, the benefits of positive relationships are not automatic; like most things of real value, to achieve them requires careful nurturing and attention. Our relationships with others are only as emotionally healthy, happy, holy and content as our relationships with ourselves. (Sarah Ban Breathnach, Author) What is a Healthy Relationship? To maintain healthy intimacy and understanding in your relationships, you will need to first establish appropriate intellectual, emotional and physical boundaries with others. These affiliations can be personal ones (with your friends, parents, family and significant other) or professional ones (with your coach, agent, fitness trainer and advisors). In a positive, healthy relationship you will usually feel calm, centered and respected. The closeness in a healthy relationship should be safe, supportive, respectful and nonthreatening. For a relationship to be beneficial, it needs to provide you with feelings of being: Î Included, not alone Î Accepted as you are Î Forgiven for mistakes Î Thankful Î Respected Î Honest, with integrity Î Cared about Î Safe Healthy relationships have their priorities in order: • People's feelings and development are more important than material things, status and money. • Forgiveness is given and received unconditionally- without revenge or reminders of past hurts or wrongs. • Freedom of expression and individuality is allowed- be who you are rather than what others expect you to be. • Emotional, physical and/or intellectual independence is valued. • Clear, definite and mutually agreed upon goals exist. • Personal growth, development, spirituality, and beliefs are supported. Allowing friends and loved ones to be part of our life clearly can multiply life’s joys and share its sorrows. So, why are our relationships often the cause of so much distress and conflict? We often lack the skills to build solid relationships with others. Luckily, we can learn and apply these skills to get all the benefits that healthy relationships provide.
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SPORT SCIENCES AND MEDICINE / PRO U™ ATHLETE ASSISTANCE
™
GROW GREAT RELATIONSHIPS Signs of a “Sick” Relationship These are some signs that may indicate that your affiliation is ailing and needs improvement to be healthy: Î Communication is difficult and arguing is frequent Î Feelings and rights begin to be ignored Î Partners feel chained to the relationship or cannot act Î One person controls problem solving, rules of independently conduct, and planning Î There is denial that any problems exist Î Partner(s) are unwilling to get outside “help'' Î One person covers for (enables) the other’s problems Î There is abuse or disrespectful behavior Î Partner(s) unable to make commitment Î The “fun” goes out of the relationship Relationship Remedies: Most relationship problems can be helped with simple strategies. Sometimes, counseling and behavior modification is needed. When a relationship causes physical, mental or emotional damage or abuse, the best action may be best to terminate it. • Read the January 2006 Athlete Assistance topic, “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.” for more information. • Seek advice from the Primary Health Care Providers (PHCPs), Director, Athlete Assistance or your medical or psychological practitioner if you believe you may need help in an abusive situation. Tips for Healthier Relationships Respect: You and others deserve to be listened to and respected. Abuse, hurt, dominance, insults and attempts to control you are disrespectful and contrary to good relationships. Respect builds trust. Trust: It is important that you trust that others like and accept you as you are, and will act in your best interests. Without trust, you cannot be open and honest in the relationship, and will frequently feel guarded. Approval: It’s nice to have, but not essential, nor is it realistic to expect 100% approval from others. Flexibility: The ability to see the world through the other person’s eyes is important to allow healthy action, communication and problem solving when issues arise. Stay open minded to develop better affiliations. Self-esteem: Belief in your personal value and in the talents you bring to a relationship helps you communicate more effectively and increases others’ respect for you. Independence: Allows each of you to grow as humans and enriches the relationship. Each player has her own beliefs and feelings. Example: The relationship with your coach changes and grows with time; you need to feel comfortable and respected to express your opinions about training practices and matches to ensure that all your training needs are being met. Communicate! Active listening, effective, helpful responses, and open problem solving is essential to good relations with others. Openness: Others are not mind readers! Be open and honest about your feelings and needs; it stops others guessing. Example: To be a great team, you need to respectfully talk to your doubles partner about your feelings and ideas. Manage Conflict: Non-judgmental conflict resolution is a healthy response to those inevitable disagreements. Unresolved conflict and hostility brings negative, destructive energy into a relationship. Seek guidance from a qualified counselor if you think you need help with anger or conflict. Mental Health: Untreated mental health issues can impact upon your personal and professional affiliations. Seek help from your doctor, the PHCPs, Director of Athlete Assistance or a qualified counselor if you think you may have a mental illness. Equality: Equal rights in any relationship are important. Asserting power and control over others to get what you want out of the relationship and reduce their influence is unacceptable. A desire to control others may arise from feelings of insecurity. Dual Relationships: Are best avoided, as these situations greatly increase the opportunities for a person to abuse his or her power and exploit a player. Clear roles reduce this risk and keep personal and professional affiliations appropriately separate. Example: The parent/coach may struggle to stop coaching 24/7 and to be a supportive parent. “When the player is gone, the person remains” (Paul Annacone, former ATP player) Praise and Support: People’s self esteem rises and their best aspects shine when praised for best efforts. Responsibility: Each person is responsible for creating nurturing, supportive relationships. Be Realistic: Set realistic, achievable goals for what you want from the relationship. This avoids dissatisfaction and disappointment in life. Example: Set clear goals with your team (coach, agent, fitness trainer, parent, family, therapists etc) about what you want to achieve and what you expect them to do in their role. Seek healthy role models: People may lack good examples of a healthy relationship, especially if they experienced a dysfunctional or abusive situation. Look for healthy role models; find out how they work and apply these skills to your life. Risky Business: All human interactions contain the risk that you will be hurt or rejected. For relationships to begin and grow, active risk taking in the form of being open, honest and connecting with others is needed by each person. Read the following topics for more information to help you develop healthy relationships: April 2002, Feel Good, Play Great; May 2004, Solving Problems; August 2005, Friendship; October 2006, Great expectations; June 2007, Talk to Me. The information provided within this Physically Speaking topic is for informational purposes only and should not be treated as medical, psychiatric, psychological, health care or health management advice. If you have any health or related questions or concerns, please contact your medical advisor. Copyright 2007 by WTA Tour, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Thanks to www.coping.org for information in this topic.
PHYSICALLY SPEAKING
AUGUST 2007
REALLY RELATING Everyone needs to feel loved and supported. Human interaction with supportive people can be a true lifesaver. The caring friend who brings the chicken soup has as much impact upon feeling better as the nourishment in the soup. Conversation, sharing, and being connected to others who are active, caring and have our interests at heart gives our life a purpose. Research shows that people with strong social relationships have better health. Marriage, one of the strongest relationships, adds years to life expectancy. Suicide, mental illness and alcoholism rates are much lower when people feel a sense of belonging. Scientific studies support the benefits of social interactions: • Lower stress levels Tennis & Sports Photos: Getty Images • Reduced likelihood of viral infections and Action Images • Reduced likelihood of episodes of major depression However, the benefits of positive relationships are not automatic; like most things of real value, to achieve them requires careful nurturing and attention. Our relationships with others are only as emotionally healthy, happy, holy and content as our relationships with ourselves. (Sarah Ban Breathnach, Author) What is a Healthy Relationship? To maintain healthy intimacy and understanding in your relationships, you will need to first establish appropriate intellectual, emotional and physical boundaries with others. These affiliations can be personal ones (with your friends, parents, family and significant other) or professional ones (with your coach, agent, fitness trainer and advisors). In a positive, healthy relationship you will usually feel calm, centered and respected. The closeness in a healthy relationship should be safe, supportive, respectful and nonthreatening. For a relationship to be beneficial, it needs to provide you with feelings of being: Î Included, not alone Î Accepted as you are Î Forgiven for mistakes Î Thankful Î Respected Î Honest, with integrity Î Cared about Î Safe Healthy relationships have their priorities in order: • People's feelings and development are more important than material things, status and money. • Forgiveness is given and received unconditionally- without revenge or reminders of past hurts or wrongs. • Freedom of expression and individuality is allowed- be who you are rather than what others expect you to be. • Emotional, physical and/or intellectual independence is valued. • Clear, definite and mutually agreed upon goals exist. • Personal growth, development, spirituality, and beliefs are supported. Allowing friends and loved ones to be part of our life clearly can multiply life’s joys and share its sorrows. So, why are our relationships often the cause of so much distress and conflict? We often lack the skills to build solid relationships with others. Luckily, we can learn and apply these skills to get all the benefits that healthy relationships provide.
™
SPORT SCIENCES AND MEDICINE / PRO U™ ATHLETE ASSISTANCE
™
GROW GREAT RELATIONSHIPS Signs of a “Sick” Relationship These are some signs that may indicate that your affiliation is ailing and needs improvement to be healthy: Î Communication is difficult and arguing is frequent Î Feelings and rights begin to be ignored Î Partners feel chained to the relationship or cannot act Î One person controls problem solving, rules of independently conduct, and planning Î There is denial that any problems exist Î Partner(s) are unwilling to get outside “help'' Î One person covers for (enables) the other’s problems Î There is abuse or disrespectful behavior Î Partner(s) unable to make commitment Î The “fun” goes out of the relationship Relationship Remedies: Most relationship problems can be helped with simple strategies. Sometimes, counseling and behavior modification is needed. When a relationship causes physical, mental or emotional damage or abuse, the best action may be best to terminate it. • Read the January 2006 Athlete Assistance topic, “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.” for more information. • Seek advice from the Primary Health Care Providers (PHCPs), Director, Athlete Assistance or your medical or psychological practitioner if you believe you may need help in an abusive situation. Tips for Healthier Relationships Respect: You and others deserve to be listened to and respected. Abuse, hurt, dominance, insults and attempts to control you are disrespectful and contrary to good relationships. Respect builds trust. Trust: It is important that you trust that others like and accept you as you are, and will act in your best interests. Without trust, you cannot be open and honest in the relationship, and will frequently feel guarded. Approval: It’s nice to have, but not essential, nor is it realistic to expect 100% approval from others. Flexibility: The ability to see the world through the other person’s eyes is important to allow healthy action, communication and problem solving when issues arise. Stay open minded to develop better affiliations. Self-esteem: Belief in your personal value and in the talents you bring to a relationship helps you communicate more effectively and increases others’ respect for you. Independence: Allows each of you to grow as humans and enriches the relationship. Each player has her own beliefs and feelings. Example: The relationship with your coach changes and grows with time; you need to feel comfortable and respected to express your opinions about training practices and matches to ensure that all your training needs are being met. Communicate! Active listening, effective, helpful responses, and open problem solving is essential to good relations with others. Openness: Others are not mind readers! Be open and honest about your feelings and needs; it stops others guessing. Example: To be a great team, you need to respectfully talk to your doubles partner about your feelings and ideas. Manage Conflict: Non-judgmental conflict resolution is a healthy response to those inevitable disagreements. Unresolved conflict and hostility brings negative, destructive energy into a relationship. Seek guidance from a qualified counselor if you think you need help with anger or conflict. Mental Health: Untreated mental health issues can impact upon your personal and professional affiliations. Seek help from your doctor, the PHCPs, Director of Athlete Assistance or a qualified counselor if you think you may have a mental illness. Equality: Equal rights in any relationship are important. Asserting power and control over others to get what you want out of the relationship and reduce their influence is unacceptable. A desire to control others may arise from feelings of insecurity. Dual Relationships: Are best avoided, as these situations greatly increase the opportunities for a person to abuse his or her power and exploit a player. Clear roles reduce this risk and keep personal and professional affiliations appropriately separate. Example: The parent/coach may struggle to stop coaching 24/7 and to be a supportive parent. “When the player is gone, the person remains” (Paul Annacone, former ATP player) Praise and Support: People’s self esteem rises and their best aspects shine when praised for best efforts. Responsibility: Each person is responsible for creating nurturing, supportive relationships. Be Realistic: Set realistic, achievable goals for what you want from the relationship. This avoids dissatisfaction and disappointment in life. Example: Set clear goals with your team (coach, agent, fitness trainer, parent, family, therapists etc) about what you want to achieve and what you expect them to do in their role. Seek healthy role models: People may lack good examples of a healthy relationship, especially if they experienced a dysfunctional or abusive situation. Look for healthy role models; find out how they work and apply these skills to your life. Risky Business: All human interactions contain the risk that you will be hurt or rejected. For relationships to begin and grow, active risk taking in the form of being open, honest and connecting with others is needed by each person. Read the following topics for more information to help you develop healthy relationships: April 2002, Feel Good, Play Great; May 2004, Solving Problems; August 2005, Friendship; October 2006, Great expectations; June 2007, Talk to Me. The information provided within this Physically Speaking topic is for informational purposes only and should not be treated as medical, psychiatric, psychological, health care or health management advice. If you have any health or related questions or concerns, please contact your medical advisor. Copyright 2007 by WTA Tour, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Thanks to www.coping.org for information in this topic.
