Talk to me
SPORT SCIENCES AND MEDICINE PRO U™ ATHLETE ASSISTANCE
PHYSICALLY SPEAKING
JUNE 2007
TALK TO ME! Criticism and feedback about your behavior and actions can be hard to take- even when it aims to be “constructive” or helpful. Most people respond to critical messages defensively, often denying their actions or behaviors with statements such as “I do not!” Others ignore the criticism and its potential value. Some people fall victim to criticism by focusing on their inadequacies and failures rather than on how the message provides potential for positive change and growth. People may respond defensively to criticism because they see the feedback in terms of right or wrong and react as if their actions are under scrutiny or attack. However, honest Tennis & Sports feedback about your behavior is an opportunity to see yourself through the eyes of Photos: Getty Images and Action Images another. You may learn a great deal about yourself. • An honest analysis, delivered in a respectful way and at a time when you are ready to listen, can provide important information about YOU! • You decide if the critique is important to you and whether or not you can or want to change your actions. • An ability to accept and learn from feedback is a useful skill that can improve your tennis performance and enhance your relationships. Read this topic to learn more.
• • • • •
A “War of Words” Feedback, especially of the “constructive” variety, can be stressful on both sides. Your support team may need to give feedback to you about many things such as your performance, your behavior in the family or your actions at a sponsor function. When the feedback is a critique (contains some negative observations), many times people will delay, hesitate or not deliver the message at all. Players need to discuss problems honestly with their teams in order to learn, play better tennis and grow into mature individuals. Players may also avoid talking about situations with their support team for many reasons, including fear, lack of power or control in the relationship or poor communication skills. This inability to give and receive feedback blocks a player’s personal and professional development. Good communicators, problem solvers and healthy adults learn to give and receive feedback respectfully. When others say or do something that elicits strong emotions such as feeling insulted, hurt or angry, it is a common response to feel attacked, threatened, judged and criticized. Under attack, people react to survive and defend their position- they surrender, withdraw or fight back. Taking defensive action in the “War of Words” creates power struggles with others, may reduce selfesteem and can cause many unnecessary and hurtful conflicts.
Defensive Action Defense mechanisms are a survival response to shield and protect us from real or perceived attack: Surrender! 1. Allow someone to mistreat you, then defend them and take the blame yourself. • Example, “Dad is in a bad mood; he yelled at me. It’s my fault as I asked a stupid question.” 2. Agree with someone to their face, and then sabotage them by undermining them later. • Example, talk about them or their idea negatively to others, behind their back. Withdraw! = Avoid talking about things you feel uncomfortable or unsure about. • Example: you leave the room, change the subject or ignore the comments and don’t reply. Fight Back! 1. Justify your actions, explain your behavior or give reasons why you acted as you did. Example: “I could not take care of my injury yesterday as I was too busy, I had to meet my agent.” 2. Attack, blame or judge the person giving the feedback to protect yourself. • Example: “Why are you in such a bad mood?” or “My friend is always so negative and bossy.”
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SPORT SCIENCES AND MEDICINE / PRO U™ ATHLETE ASSISTANCE
™
WORD POWER! Non-Defensive Action
People who chose to respond defensively to criticism or feedback may create the following results: • Close down the discussion • Avoid the issue • Shut others out/Isolation • Self criticism- focus on “failures” • Anger or escalate the problem • Feel powerless/ Loss of face This is a no-win choice. It creates tension and undermines self esteem when we respond in this way. • There is a more constructive way to respond- we don’t have to fight back or defend ourselves as if feedback were a “War of Words”. We can choose to respond non-defensively with openness and clarity. • Non-defensive action has positive effects on self-esteem, interpersonal relationships and performance. • It builds our wisdom and earns the respect of others. Accept Respectful Feedback Emotional Control
Picture this: Your coach gives you some negative feedback on your match. Your instinct is to get angry and defend yourself, rather than to listen. It’s hard to stay cool, calm and collected. You need to be calm to find the value in the message. • Take a few deep breaths, tense and relax your muscles or repeat phrases to yourself like “calm down” or “take it easy.” • Practice and mentally rehearse the way you handle criticism. Visualize yourself meeting with your coach. Count to 5 before giving a response. How does your body respond? What relaxation techniques do you use and what do you say? • Remind yourself of the positive potential of feedback. Focus on the Message • You may not like or agree with the critic, but what they say may be of value to you. • Focus on the message itself; not on your emotional response to the deliverer. This helps you stay calm. It’s a Matter of Opinion • Some criticism may not be applicable, for example when someone is being verbally abusive- that is
neither a respectful nor is it a helpful way to deliver a message. • Ask questions to clarify what message the person is delivering- this helps prevent misunderstandings. • Take time to think about the criticism and decide if it is fair and truthful and if you want to act upon it. • Thinking first prevents a hasty, undiplomatic “knee jerk” reaction which usually intensifies a conflict. Beware of Destructive Self-Talk • Listen to the thoughts, or “self-talk” in your head when facing criticism. • Are you thinking things such as, “My agent must think I’m stupid” or “I messed up again” or “I am so useless”? • Negative self-talk decreases your confidence and self-esteem and your chance for personal and professional growth.
Give Helpful Feedback Do It Now! • Try to deal with issues promptly. The longer you leave things, the harder they are to manage and everyone gets tense. • Do choose a time when you and the other person are in a calm and rational frame of mind- not angry. • Generally, stick to the motto: “Praise in public, criticize in private”. Be specific • Focus on specific situations or actions. Be clear and respect the other person’s feelings. • Tell it respectfully as you see it. Don’t drop hints or go around the point- that is not helpful! Deliver Respectfully • Use “I” words- they tell the other person that you own your opinion, and are not blaming her. • Your body language, volume and tone of voice all color your message. Stay calm, relaxed and open.. It may be uncomfortable… • Tell the other person if you feel uncomfortable. Honesty will help to diffuse any anger or defensiveness. • Example: “Susie, I feel awkward mentioning this, but it is worrying me and I need to talk to you about it…” Praise is Positive • If you have something good to say; say it! People are not mind-readers! • Communicating the positive messages shows others you value them and helps build and strengthen relationships. It is Reasonable to: • Say “no” sometimes • Be treated with respect • Change your mind • Express your opinion • Disagree with others • Ask for what you want/need • Be responsible for your actions • Make mistakes The information provided within this Physically Speaking topic is for informational purposes only and should not be treated as medical, psychiatric, psychological, health care or health management advice. If you have any health or related questions or concerns, please contact your medical advisor. Copyright 2007 by WTA Tour, Inc. All Rights Reserved
PHYSICALLY SPEAKING
JUNE 2007
TALK TO ME! Criticism and feedback about your behavior and actions can be hard to take- even when it aims to be “constructive” or helpful. Most people respond to critical messages defensively, often denying their actions or behaviors with statements such as “I do not!” Others ignore the criticism and its potential value. Some people fall victim to criticism by focusing on their inadequacies and failures rather than on how the message provides potential for positive change and growth. People may respond defensively to criticism because they see the feedback in terms of right or wrong and react as if their actions are under scrutiny or attack. However, honest Tennis & Sports feedback about your behavior is an opportunity to see yourself through the eyes of Photos: Getty Images and Action Images another. You may learn a great deal about yourself. • An honest analysis, delivered in a respectful way and at a time when you are ready to listen, can provide important information about YOU! • You decide if the critique is important to you and whether or not you can or want to change your actions. • An ability to accept and learn from feedback is a useful skill that can improve your tennis performance and enhance your relationships. Read this topic to learn more.
• • • • •
A “War of Words” Feedback, especially of the “constructive” variety, can be stressful on both sides. Your support team may need to give feedback to you about many things such as your performance, your behavior in the family or your actions at a sponsor function. When the feedback is a critique (contains some negative observations), many times people will delay, hesitate or not deliver the message at all. Players need to discuss problems honestly with their teams in order to learn, play better tennis and grow into mature individuals. Players may also avoid talking about situations with their support team for many reasons, including fear, lack of power or control in the relationship or poor communication skills. This inability to give and receive feedback blocks a player’s personal and professional development. Good communicators, problem solvers and healthy adults learn to give and receive feedback respectfully. When others say or do something that elicits strong emotions such as feeling insulted, hurt or angry, it is a common response to feel attacked, threatened, judged and criticized. Under attack, people react to survive and defend their position- they surrender, withdraw or fight back. Taking defensive action in the “War of Words” creates power struggles with others, may reduce selfesteem and can cause many unnecessary and hurtful conflicts.
Defensive Action Defense mechanisms are a survival response to shield and protect us from real or perceived attack: Surrender! 1. Allow someone to mistreat you, then defend them and take the blame yourself. • Example, “Dad is in a bad mood; he yelled at me. It’s my fault as I asked a stupid question.” 2. Agree with someone to their face, and then sabotage them by undermining them later. • Example, talk about them or their idea negatively to others, behind their back. Withdraw! = Avoid talking about things you feel uncomfortable or unsure about. • Example: you leave the room, change the subject or ignore the comments and don’t reply. Fight Back! 1. Justify your actions, explain your behavior or give reasons why you acted as you did. Example: “I could not take care of my injury yesterday as I was too busy, I had to meet my agent.” 2. Attack, blame or judge the person giving the feedback to protect yourself. • Example: “Why are you in such a bad mood?” or “My friend is always so negative and bossy.”
™
SPORT SCIENCES AND MEDICINE / PRO U™ ATHLETE ASSISTANCE
™
WORD POWER! Non-Defensive Action
People who chose to respond defensively to criticism or feedback may create the following results: • Close down the discussion • Avoid the issue • Shut others out/Isolation • Self criticism- focus on “failures” • Anger or escalate the problem • Feel powerless/ Loss of face This is a no-win choice. It creates tension and undermines self esteem when we respond in this way. • There is a more constructive way to respond- we don’t have to fight back or defend ourselves as if feedback were a “War of Words”. We can choose to respond non-defensively with openness and clarity. • Non-defensive action has positive effects on self-esteem, interpersonal relationships and performance. • It builds our wisdom and earns the respect of others. Accept Respectful Feedback Emotional Control
Picture this: Your coach gives you some negative feedback on your match. Your instinct is to get angry and defend yourself, rather than to listen. It’s hard to stay cool, calm and collected. You need to be calm to find the value in the message. • Take a few deep breaths, tense and relax your muscles or repeat phrases to yourself like “calm down” or “take it easy.” • Practice and mentally rehearse the way you handle criticism. Visualize yourself meeting with your coach. Count to 5 before giving a response. How does your body respond? What relaxation techniques do you use and what do you say? • Remind yourself of the positive potential of feedback. Focus on the Message • You may not like or agree with the critic, but what they say may be of value to you. • Focus on the message itself; not on your emotional response to the deliverer. This helps you stay calm. It’s a Matter of Opinion • Some criticism may not be applicable, for example when someone is being verbally abusive- that is
neither a respectful nor is it a helpful way to deliver a message. • Ask questions to clarify what message the person is delivering- this helps prevent misunderstandings. • Take time to think about the criticism and decide if it is fair and truthful and if you want to act upon it. • Thinking first prevents a hasty, undiplomatic “knee jerk” reaction which usually intensifies a conflict. Beware of Destructive Self-Talk • Listen to the thoughts, or “self-talk” in your head when facing criticism. • Are you thinking things such as, “My agent must think I’m stupid” or “I messed up again” or “I am so useless”? • Negative self-talk decreases your confidence and self-esteem and your chance for personal and professional growth.
Give Helpful Feedback Do It Now! • Try to deal with issues promptly. The longer you leave things, the harder they are to manage and everyone gets tense. • Do choose a time when you and the other person are in a calm and rational frame of mind- not angry. • Generally, stick to the motto: “Praise in public, criticize in private”. Be specific • Focus on specific situations or actions. Be clear and respect the other person’s feelings. • Tell it respectfully as you see it. Don’t drop hints or go around the point- that is not helpful! Deliver Respectfully • Use “I” words- they tell the other person that you own your opinion, and are not blaming her. • Your body language, volume and tone of voice all color your message. Stay calm, relaxed and open.. It may be uncomfortable… • Tell the other person if you feel uncomfortable. Honesty will help to diffuse any anger or defensiveness. • Example: “Susie, I feel awkward mentioning this, but it is worrying me and I need to talk to you about it…” Praise is Positive • If you have something good to say; say it! People are not mind-readers! • Communicating the positive messages shows others you value them and helps build and strengthen relationships. It is Reasonable to: • Say “no” sometimes • Be treated with respect • Change your mind • Express your opinion • Disagree with others • Ask for what you want/need • Be responsible for your actions • Make mistakes The information provided within this Physically Speaking topic is for informational purposes only and should not be treated as medical, psychiatric, psychological, health care or health management advice. If you have any health or related questions or concerns, please contact your medical advisor. Copyright 2007 by WTA Tour, Inc. All Rights Reserved
