Turning Conflict into Collaboration
Turning Conflict into Collaboration Max Gage, ATW Training & Consulting Employee Management Conference November 2011
Responses to Conflict
NOTES:
www.atwtraining.com 515-727-0731 6200 Aurora Avenue, Suite 207E Des Moines, Iowa 50322
Steps to Dealing with Conflict
Start with a good approach
Set ground rules
Use “I” statements
Be accountable
State what you need clearly and firmly
Get agreement
Schedule some type of follow-up www.atwtraining.com 515-727-0731 6200 Aurora Avenue, Suite 207E Des Moines, Iowa 50322
Steps To Dealing With Conflict - What Does It Sound Like? The following tables provide examples of phrases or conversation starters you may choose to use during a conflict resolution process. Can you think of additional words or phrases that would work well? How would you adapt the words to your conflict situation?
Conflict Resolution Step
Possible Starters
Possible Responses
I’ve noticed your_____ behavior toward me lately, specifically _____. Can we talk about that?
First, let me clarify what I’m hearing. You’re saying that I’ve _____ and that makes you feel _____?
Everyone tells it like they see it
I’m wondering if something is wrong between us. Do you sense it? Can you tell me what you think is happening?
From my perspective, it all started when _____
Step 1 draws on your active listening skills. You may need to set some ground rules with your conflict partner such as:
I think we may have gotten off to a rough start. Can we discuss what’s happened?
1
no interrupting permission to take notes
I’ve been reflecting about the way we work together. I would like your input.
I’m glad you approached me. I think we need to get to the bottom of this. I’d like to understand your position. Could you explain it to me?
It is key to ask for the dialogue (i.e., “Is this a good time to talk?”) I was somewhat frustrated when you_____
2
I look at that in a different way than you do. Here’s my perspective.
Everything is put on the table Keep it responsible with “I” statements and avoid direct blame.
Here are some examples of times when you _____. Can you see how that made me feel _____?
Now that we both know each other’s side, can we make a list of items we can agree to change?
Focus on the Future State what you need clearly and firmly. Get an agreement on specifics. Schedule some type of follow-up.
I never knew what I was doing was offending you. So, when you responded by _____, I felt _____. Wow. When I hear it put that way, I realize I need to make some changes in my behavior. Would you agree that you could also change _____?
Be accountable for your actions.
3
May I tell you my side of the story? I think that will help you see how I was feeling
We don’t have to be best friends, but we do have to work together effectively. Can we agree that I will stop/start doing _____ and you will stop start doing _____? We’ve agreed that our behaviors are bothersome to each other and we’ve discussed what we need to change. Let’s meet again in a week to measure our progress.
There may be some things we simply have to agree to disagree upon, and others we can change to improve the situation. Let’s not avoid issues like this when they arise again. We’ve worked through this conflict. I think we can work through our issues in the future. Are you open to helping each other improve? If we see each other falling into our conflict behaviors, can we agree to give each other that feedback?
TIP: The above conflict resolution steps may or may not occur in one isolated conversation. It may be a series of interactions with your conflict partner.
www.atwtraining.com 515-727-0731 6200 Aurora Avenue, Suite 207E Des Moines, Iowa 50322
Steps to Resolve Conflict Instructions: In the space provided, write what you will discuss in each of the steps during a future conflict resolution process. As you prepare for your discussion, consider your approach, and how you will demonstrate your intentions. Conflict Resolution Discussion with: Date:
1
Everyone tells it like they see it
○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○
2
What questions will I ask to draw out the other person’s perspective of the conflict? (And help them discuss from the appropriate response.) What will I do to remind myself to actively listen, and avoid interrupting to share my perspective? How will I paraphrase or summarize what I have heard? How will I ensure the other person has shared all of their thoughts and concerns? What will I say to transition to the next step?
Everything is put on the table
○ ○ ○ ○ ○
3
What will I say to start the discussion? (Consider the source of conflict and the approach you selected.)
What will I say to share my understanding of the conflict? (Remember your approach style.) What will I say to myself to keep my emotions in check? (For example, to ensure I don’t sound defensive, angry, frustrated, etc.) To stay objective versus subjective, what facts, observations, specific feedback can I provide? What can I say/ask to ensure the other person has heard what I have shared? What will I say to transition to the next step?
Focus on the future
○ ○ ○ ○ ○
What will I ask to get commitment from the other person to work out a solution? What can I say/ask to brainstorm ideas, then negotiate for an action plan to resolve our conflict? Once we decide on a plan, what will I say to ensure specific actions are carried out by all parties? How will I ensure follow-up? When will we follow-up? What will I say to strengthen the relationship between parties?
Copyright 2011, ATW Training & Consulting
Responses to Conflict
NOTES:
www.atwtraining.com 515-727-0731 6200 Aurora Avenue, Suite 207E Des Moines, Iowa 50322
Steps to Dealing with Conflict
Start with a good approach
Set ground rules
Use “I” statements
Be accountable
State what you need clearly and firmly
Get agreement
Schedule some type of follow-up www.atwtraining.com 515-727-0731 6200 Aurora Avenue, Suite 207E Des Moines, Iowa 50322
Steps To Dealing With Conflict - What Does It Sound Like? The following tables provide examples of phrases or conversation starters you may choose to use during a conflict resolution process. Can you think of additional words or phrases that would work well? How would you adapt the words to your conflict situation?
Conflict Resolution Step
Possible Starters
Possible Responses
I’ve noticed your_____ behavior toward me lately, specifically _____. Can we talk about that?
First, let me clarify what I’m hearing. You’re saying that I’ve _____ and that makes you feel _____?
Everyone tells it like they see it
I’m wondering if something is wrong between us. Do you sense it? Can you tell me what you think is happening?
From my perspective, it all started when _____
Step 1 draws on your active listening skills. You may need to set some ground rules with your conflict partner such as:
I think we may have gotten off to a rough start. Can we discuss what’s happened?
1
no interrupting permission to take notes
I’ve been reflecting about the way we work together. I would like your input.
I’m glad you approached me. I think we need to get to the bottom of this. I’d like to understand your position. Could you explain it to me?
It is key to ask for the dialogue (i.e., “Is this a good time to talk?”) I was somewhat frustrated when you_____
2
I look at that in a different way than you do. Here’s my perspective.
Everything is put on the table Keep it responsible with “I” statements and avoid direct blame.
Here are some examples of times when you _____. Can you see how that made me feel _____?
Now that we both know each other’s side, can we make a list of items we can agree to change?
Focus on the Future State what you need clearly and firmly. Get an agreement on specifics. Schedule some type of follow-up.
I never knew what I was doing was offending you. So, when you responded by _____, I felt _____. Wow. When I hear it put that way, I realize I need to make some changes in my behavior. Would you agree that you could also change _____?
Be accountable for your actions.
3
May I tell you my side of the story? I think that will help you see how I was feeling
We don’t have to be best friends, but we do have to work together effectively. Can we agree that I will stop/start doing _____ and you will stop start doing _____? We’ve agreed that our behaviors are bothersome to each other and we’ve discussed what we need to change. Let’s meet again in a week to measure our progress.
There may be some things we simply have to agree to disagree upon, and others we can change to improve the situation. Let’s not avoid issues like this when they arise again. We’ve worked through this conflict. I think we can work through our issues in the future. Are you open to helping each other improve? If we see each other falling into our conflict behaviors, can we agree to give each other that feedback?
TIP: The above conflict resolution steps may or may not occur in one isolated conversation. It may be a series of interactions with your conflict partner.
www.atwtraining.com 515-727-0731 6200 Aurora Avenue, Suite 207E Des Moines, Iowa 50322
Steps to Resolve Conflict Instructions: In the space provided, write what you will discuss in each of the steps during a future conflict resolution process. As you prepare for your discussion, consider your approach, and how you will demonstrate your intentions. Conflict Resolution Discussion with: Date:
1
Everyone tells it like they see it
○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○
2
What questions will I ask to draw out the other person’s perspective of the conflict? (And help them discuss from the appropriate response.) What will I do to remind myself to actively listen, and avoid interrupting to share my perspective? How will I paraphrase or summarize what I have heard? How will I ensure the other person has shared all of their thoughts and concerns? What will I say to transition to the next step?
Everything is put on the table
○ ○ ○ ○ ○
3
What will I say to start the discussion? (Consider the source of conflict and the approach you selected.)
What will I say to share my understanding of the conflict? (Remember your approach style.) What will I say to myself to keep my emotions in check? (For example, to ensure I don’t sound defensive, angry, frustrated, etc.) To stay objective versus subjective, what facts, observations, specific feedback can I provide? What can I say/ask to ensure the other person has heard what I have shared? What will I say to transition to the next step?
Focus on the future
○ ○ ○ ○ ○
What will I ask to get commitment from the other person to work out a solution? What can I say/ask to brainstorm ideas, then negotiate for an action plan to resolve our conflict? Once we decide on a plan, what will I say to ensure specific actions are carried out by all parties? How will I ensure follow-up? When will we follow-up? What will I say to strengthen the relationship between parties?
Copyright 2011, ATW Training & Consulting
