WILD ZEN
“A testimony to staying human in the fire of love and war.” Kendra Gettel, Author of The Traps of Nonviolent Communications
!
A personal memoir & enquiry into politics, psychology, somatics & spirituality.
WILD ZEN An Inner Roadmap to Humanity 12 Ways to Journey Beyond Violence, Conflict, Stress, Trauma & Adversity By Claire Higgins
Wild Zen An Inner Roadmap to Humanity 12 Ways to Journey Beyond Violence, Conflict, Stress, Trauma & Adversity Version 1, 2015
© Copyright Claire Higgins All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the written permission of the author. This includes the electronic versions of the book.
Author & Designer
Publicist & Artist Agent
Claire Higgins
Hania Afifi
[email protected]
[email protected]
Editor
Technical Support Samar Itani
Victoria Higgins
! !
2
Praise for Wild Zen “An excellent resource for anyone who would like to overcome a past that is inhibiting a life of joy and purpose. Claire's personal, open, honest approach connects her with the reader from the first page and she introduces a new way of looking at life that could quite possibly be life-transforming for those that need it most.” Jessica Al Andary, Holistic Health Coach
“An eye-opener that gives recognition to every aspect of one’s life and allows you to reflect and value your whole inner self through release, forgiveness, love and capturing its inner strength. This book acts as a guide to finding peace within.” Dima Al Ayderous, Humanitarian, United Nations
"It is an intense read but in a positive way. It is probably a resource people could use to work through things on their own but ideally I think this book would be most effective if after reflections/notes in the workbook that the reader has a coach/counsellor to follow up and share with. I envision it being a fabulous tool in therapeutic support work. I can relate to the topic very well and it speaks to me very clearly, as a child, woman, development worker, coach/carer, writer, victim and the many other hats we wear as humans who care. Your perspective on healing which is present throughout the chapter is reassuring. In particular, as a humanitarian/development worker, I think readers from this background will find it very beneficial. Overall, a very honest and courageous piece of writing." Michelle Hennessy, Development Worker & Holistic Therapist
"A heart wrenching story, which awakens every single cell and feeling in your body, yet so inspiring and motivational for personal growth and development. Let the peace begin from the inside out!" Nigora Normatova, Health Coach & Yogi, founder of Eat the Sun, www.eatthesun.org
“As an holistic health coach, but also a trained therapist, having worked with many clients who have experienced trauma, I am drawn to the way that Claire gently guides her readers with an integrity and authenticity that radiates compassion and understanding for such an emotive subject, that is only too often neglected. It is written with grace and one can only admire another who has the courage to share a part of their soul.” Tracey White, Holistic Health Coach, www.traceywhitewellness.com
! !
3
“The authenticity, the naked honesty, with which Claire Higgins (who calls herself an “inner travel guide”) tells her story and that of others, is an invitation —even an unavoidable magnet— not only to look at your own truth in the face, but also, at all the ways in which we all resist looking at it, facing both the external an internal truth. People (we all) take for granted what we believe we are—our own truth. The mere daring to question if all you have done and been about is really true, is an outstanding endeavor that hardly anyone would be willing to take. The ability and, more so, the willingness to “hold the space for atrocities of the worse kind” is a merit hardly ever found. This raw truth will make you pause, question, maybe even fear the answers your mind will gift you with. What Claire Higgins, promises in this book is an extremely ambitious yet beautifully accomplished endeavor.
Bravo!” Shulamit Lando, Body-mind Psychotherapy, Strategic
Intervention Medical and Life Coaching, www.shulamitlando.com
“Claire’s words have touched not only my heart but also my soul. Her honesty and powerful words of the lessons she has leant has shaken up the wounded orphan within me and has left me inspired, thank you. Through Claire’s words I am able to feel what so many of my clients will need to go through in order to get through to the other side. She sums up the healing process perfectly, especially how ‘the shininess of our new perspective can lose its allure’ and how we need to go through the motions of healing in order to learn and digest from our experiences. I know that many of my clients will benefit from hearing this, it is even more powerful reading these words from an author of authenticity and passion and will support them in knowing they are not alone.” Heidi Jones, Health & Lifestyle Coach, www.oyhtoday.com
“I have the honor of knowing Claire personally. After reading her book, I can tell you that Claire “walks the talk” she writes of.
Her work is authentic and illuminating, and masterful in it’s
simplicity and accessibility. Claire’s work takes us on a journey she herself has taken, and in doing so, she inspires. This is a book I’d recommend if you are interested in approaching healing and growth in a way that focuses on you, yourself, learning different ways to access and connect with your own inner reserves of strength, insight, and healing.
Her work does not build
dependency like many “self help” approaches do. Instead, it focuses on providing the tools for you to better realize your own agency. There are no quick fixes to the external and internal trials and tribulations we all face in life. There is plenty of ambiguity. Claire’s work is imbued with courage and insight that inspires one to embrace the ambiguity, and to work mindfully towards creating and living the life you want to live, every day.” Anne Marie, Humanitarian Worker
! !
4
“This book has it all. Claire has managed to capture difficult and heavy episodes of her personal life, her passion for what made her zen so wild, and years of work dedicated to others, all in one. We go through life defining moments without voyeurism or inappropriate emotions: the story for what it is, what it brings to Claire’s quest, but mostly what it brings to us. This book is an inspiration as much as it is a helping hand, but I choose to see it as the account of one unique individual, from whom I have much to learn. There is almost no need for a key word explanation, as those concepts we discover throughout the book take the meaning we want them to take. Thank you Claire for sharing…give us more!” Mario Stephan, Founder & CEO, Arabian Perspectives
! !
5
A Love Note & Disclaimer… Thank you for purchasing my book. It has been a labour of love to bring light to our inner worlds amidst the many adversities we all face. It was also a tough choice to self-publish. In the end, I chose to go with my heart and do everything I could to bring this book out into the world. If you enjoy reading it, I'd love for you to tell your friends. Please be sure to re-route them to www.wildzen.me/book so they can find out how to purchase their own copy. The book is also available on Amazon Kindle. It’s just not as pretty as this PDF version. Please note that all the stories presented in this book reflect how I have experienced them. With the exception of those who I interviewed, they are all reflections of my own truth. Please be aware that I have withheld names of certain people and places in order to protect those involved, and that some of these people will naturally have other perspectives. Ultimately, this work is an inquiry into what it means to tell the truth and like any truth-telling venture, there is rarely just one version, even within ourselves. May your inner light continue to shine brightly! Many blessings,
Claire Higgins !
! !
6
Dedication For Walter. Because you left before you could tell your story, I had to find a way to tell mine. In doing so, I hope I have created a space in which others can one day do the same.
! !
7
Acknowledgements In life, we never achieve anything alone and this book is no exception. Without my family’s support, it would never have seen the light of day. I have the kind of parents and sisters who believe wholeheartedly in everything I do and for that I will be forever grateful. Mom, Dad, Tori, and Jane, your love and ability to hold space for my life’s work makes all the difference. Thank you to my interviewees who opened their hearts and minds to share their hard won wisdom: Mihaela Baduta Popp, Christoph Hensch, Yasmine Adel Kendra Gettel, Christina Barrentios, Steve Clarke, Amy Brathwaite, “Shireen”, Tori Higgins, Amber Bunnell Munck, Hassan, Nuran Higgins (not related), Sottoum, and Agam Shah. Without your willingness to give your time and energy, this book might not have happened. It was an honour to witness your moments of awakenings and navigate your paths less travelled to wholehearted living. Thank you to the friends and former colleagues who read the early drafts of this book: Hadeel Kadi, Gregor Schmalz, Courtney Trenwith, Nathalia Pendo Berkowitz, Yasmine Adel, Suzan Shedid, Dima Al Ayderous, and Gene Wright. Your constructive feedback helped me to see that this book was much bigger than the original 20 and 60-page versions I had in mind. I had to spiral through those two stages to open up to a much bigger project than I ever anticipated. Thank you to the fabulous woman who was always a few steps behind me, whipping this book into shape: Tori Higgins, my elder sister and editor. When such a book tells the story of your sister’s life through and beyond violence and trauma, it takes regular spellchecking, grammar, and style to a whole new level. You didn’t hesitate to dive into my wounds again and again, not only bearing witness but no doubt reliving parts of them for me as you made sure each word made sense. Your courage, strength, and resilience fill me with awe. Thank you to Hania Afifi, my dear childhood friend and publicist, who has known me since I was a rebellious 12-year old. Your fresh energy and lighthearted touch was exactly what this book needed when thinking of how to promote it to the world. Thank you also to Samar Itani, another dear childhood friend who offered her technical and ‘can-do’ attitude to tasks that often exasperate me. Like reducing file sizes and finding a print house able to take on a small-scale self-publishing project for later in the year.
Thank you also to eleven special women whose professional integrity and insights have informed my awareness and development, in the order in which they appeared in my life: Carolin Zeitler, my first coach mentor, for your early dance movement therapy sessions and for later inviting me to teach Yoga at women’s beach and desert retreats; Shulamit Llando, my former “thera-coach”, for witnessing my post-separation mess and helping me find Hilary and Cynthia; Lara Lagutina, my former therapist, for your steady support and witnessing of my post divorce healing and growth; Kara Martin Snyder, my health coach training mentor, for your wicked sense of humour and laser-sharp smarts that prompted me to dream outside my box; Nicole Van Hattem, my former health coach, for the dose of energy and positivity you poured from afar into my daily mission life; Amber Gray, my mentor in somatic therapies for torture and trauma healing, for your generous inputs and reflections when I was trying to figure the next step out; Alessandra Pigni, my former mindfulness coach, for your clarity and attention to detail as I prepared to leave my last mission; Sara Avant Stover, my spiritual/yoga teacher, for your love, energy and wisdom that informed much of my later healing stages, and for helping me to find the courage and faith to first live this book’s message before I wrote it; Cherie Carter-Scott PhD and Lynn U. Stewart, my professional coach training mentors, for your belief that I could do anything and your modeling that “anything” can be done; and Cerries Mooney, for your course on archetypal branding that unfolded in the background as I brought this book to life. Thank you to two inspiring Martial Artists who are each striving for peace: Danny Hakim, founder of Budo for Peace, who introduced me to the art of Budo in peacemaking, and Miles Kessler, founder of the Integral Dojo and Aikido Without Borders, who taught me the art of sitting quietly amidst the fire. Both of you prompted me to reflect on how I could best contribute to the world. Thank you to the friends and fellow/sister travellers who read my early blog writings on health, healing, and trauma recovery, the many Yoga and spiritual sisters I had in Sara’s global Red Tent, and the many students who passed through my home Yoga teaching space in Gaza. All of you bore witness as I found my voice and began to speak up. A very special thank you and acknowledgment to all those I have witnessed in my humanitarian work. I have sought to tell the world your stories again and again, and I doubt I will ever stop until the day my soul departs from this earth. And finally, a grateful prayer from the depths of my heart to Llewelyn Vaughan-Lee, whose spiritual writings inspired me to explore the dimensions of fire of love and truth, and to Pir Vilayat Khan, whose spiritual presence helped me navigate the deep and murky waters that come with writing such a book. The experience has left me transformed and ready for the more arduous path that lies at a deeper level within me.
! !
9
Contents 12
The Invitation
13 14 15 18 23 27 32
Key Words Travelling Tips My Journey The Darkest Hour The Turning Point The Lesson Your Reflections
33
Navigation Tools
34 38 40
The 12 Archetypes The Inner Roadmap Your Reflections
41
The Journey
42
Phase 1 | Turning Inwards
43 62
The Orphan’s Wound Your Reflections
63 77
The Caregiver’s Heart Your Reflections
78 92
The Explorer’s Quest Your Reflections
93
Phase 2 | Transforming Pain
94 108
The Warrior’s Spirit Your Reflections
109 123
The Alchemist’s Fire Your Reflections
124 135
The Innocent’s Return Your Reflections
! !
10
136
Phase 3 | Mining Wisdom
137 151
The Creator’s Cave Your Reflections
152 173
The Jester’s Tale Your Reflections
174 185
The Lover’s Gaze Your Reflections
186
Phase 4 | Living Truth
187 201
The Revolutionary’s Voice Your Reflections
202 215
The Wise Sage Your Reflections
216 229
The Ruler’s Palace Your Reflections
230
The End
231 235 236
Afterword Resources About Claire
! !
11
The Invitation
“Intellect is a guide; Love is a friend. Mind is a river you travel; Love is the water of life. Although there’s no trace of the lover’s journey in the heavens, No one reaches there without the signs of journeying.” Divan-e Shams-e Tabrizi: Quatrain 1098
! !
12
Key Words W ILD
All that is natural, innate, and uninhibited at birth.
ZEN
All that lives in balance, harmony, and at peace.
INNER
The part of us that nobody sees or hears except ourselves.
OUTER
That which is happening outside of us (e.g. family, work, politics)
ROADMAP
A rough plan that gets you from “A” to “B” (you define these!)
HUMANITY
A belief that we are ultimately all One.
W AY
A path that only we can chart for ourselves.
JOURNEY
A pilgrimage to our soul, or deepest self.
W AR
The manifestation of fear, shame, and anger.
VIOLENCE
The inability to accept things as they are and forcing change.
CONFLICT
A lack of inner alignment with our own values and principles.
STRESS
An imbalance of any kind that has negative consequences.
TRAUMA
A lasting shock to our entire systems and senses.
ADVERSITY
A test or trial that we think we may never overcome.
And, the most important word of all…
BEYOND
! !
The life that starts once we believe anything is possible.
13
Travelling Tips ! Slow down. Let go of whatever you’re
Do this your way. You may read this in
doing or needs to be done. Set aside the
one go or you may read only a few pages at
time you need to make this journey beyond
a time. It could take you months and you
your daily routine. Bring your full attention to
may even abandon it part way through to
it. This isn’t the kind of book you want to be
pursue another path. It’s ok. There is no
reading while thinking of something else.
right or wrong way; there is only your way.
Breathe deeply. This could be a tough
Be proactive. Take note of or underline
journey for some of you and. The way I write
parts that stand out. I recommend using the
and what I write about will no doubt prompt
accompanying “Workbook” to dig deeper.
you to reflect on related memories and past
Record your answers in a journal or
events from your life. I want you to stay
somewhere else that feels safe. Capture
strong. Go at your own pace, take what
your insights and lessons learned so that
matters for you, and leave the rest behind.
you can remember your way home.
Ask for the support you need. You
Change this story forever. The sole
may choose to share your journey with
purpose of sharing my story and those of my
trusted friends, a coach, a teacher, a
fellow travellers is to spark your own
personal trainer, or a therapist, or you may
storytelling circle. Our truth-telling is out
prefer to go it alone. Find or create a support
there in the open. We have chosen to speak
network and don’t be afraid to adjust it as
up so that you know healing through truth,
your life takes new turns.
voice and sharing can be done.
Let
to
Take leadership of your journey.
cultivate a beginner’s mind, or not knowing
There will come a time when you will want to
what will happen. We write and rewrite our
put this book down, take the lead, and tell
stories every day and with each breath we
your own story. This book is designed
start anew. Life changes, we change, and it
indirectly to encourage you to do exactly
is the freedom from rigid expectations that
that. Know that there are so many ways to
allows us to go with the flow.
tell stories. This is just the beginning!
! !
go
of
expectations.
Try
14
My Journey The ancient Chinese Philosopher, Lao Tzu, once said, “a good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent upon arriving.” He also told us “the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” These words have guided the past six years of my life. By nature, I’m a serial emergency planner and yet these years have taught me to hold my plans lightly, knowing that the direction of the wind can change in any moment. Indeed it has, more times than I can possibly tell you. I’ve learned how to travel differently through life. I no longer trust tried and tested roadmaps. You know, those maps that tell you to go to university, get good grades, find a good job, get married, be happy, and whatever you do, Don’t Rock The Boat. The last part is particularly important for nice people who want to please and be liked by others, and those who try to control them. The problem with living an outer-driven life is that it often holds you back from living a life that is really yours. I’m here to tell you that there is no proven map; there are as many “roadmaps” as there are people and politically speaking, this is why global peacemaking so often falls short. How could we possibly represent an entire people in one document? How can we possibly listen to leaders who haven't done their inner work? No. I don’t believe in imposing peace from without. The way to peace – or humanity – starts from within. Only then can the outer systems work. When we have established a sense of inner peace, we can contribute more effectively to our families, our communities, our workplaces, and the wider world. Such a peace agenda happens one person at a time. It is a laborious and grassroots process that strives for quality over quantity. We do not need to turn away from the suffering around us; rather, to learn how to turn inwards and tend to our inner fires so that we can stay present for it all. At first, we may wobble or fall but with practice, we learn to get back up and stand tall. At the threshold of every great journey, we must first establish a direction and then, find the courage to take our first step, even when we don’t know where our foot will land, or where the step after will lead us. This way of travelling through life requires faith, which is the ability to feel, sense, and trust something that cannot yet or ever be seen. Choosing to undertake an inner journey while our outer worlds are so busy or complex is not a decision to be made lightly. But sometimes, life gives us no alternative.
! !
15
For those of us living and working on the frontlines of life, the wars and adversities that we experience, witness, and document may leave us forever changed. We may grapple with extraordinary circumstances outwardly for years on end, making one political statement or humanitarian intervention after the other. Intellectually, we may think we’re moving forwards but a time will come when we stop the doing and find the courage to ask if this is really true. It is in such times of truth-telling that things can fall apart. Truths can hurt, particularly if we have avoided them for a long time, and if we haven’t yet done our “inner work,” we may face an emotional dam that risks flooding and destroying whatever we have made of our lives until that point. For example, our professional image, our social reputation, our financial status, our relationships. All of these can be swept away if this dam ever bursts. I know this not only because I’ve seen it happen to others but also, because it once happened to myself. On my six-year journey, I searched high and low for the answers to questions I was only just beginning to dare ask. Amidst the flood of emotions, I sought to keep my head above water. Treading water can get quite exhausting, especially when the waves keep coming, and so eventually, I learned to swim and go with the flow. I’ve since gotten used to the water and am a strong swimmer now. Sometimes I find land, sometimes I don’t, and somehow it matters less. But as you will learn in this book, it wasn’t always so. Aside from being human, I am also a humanitarian specializing in violence, conflict, and communications. Perhaps like you, I’ve borne witness to immense suffering like torture, imprisonment, war, disaster, displacement, and poverty. I also have a pretty violent past of my own that echoes much of what I’ve seen. So often, I’ve wished for a simpler life – if only I wasn’t so “complicated” - but that clearly wasn’t on the cards for me. You see, my destiny was written before I was born, I just couldn’t see it coming and even if I could have, I probably couldn’t have changed a thing. My life has happened exactly as it was meant to and I’ve reached where I am now right on time. There is nowhere else I am meant to be and every bone of my body knows this to be true. When my search for truth began, like most people I invested heavily in personal development. I felt lost and liberated to explore far and wide. My curious intellect and spontaneous nature guided me down many trails, all of which I am grateful for now yet no longer need as I once did. First, I trained as a Yoga and Martial Arts teacher. Later, I studied Psychology and Dance Movement Psychotherapy. As a client, I explored Somatic Experiencing, Jungian Analysis, and Health and Mindfulness Coaching. Towards the end of my journey, I retrained as a Professional Coach with an agenda to promote inner peace among people, organizations, and communities.
! !
16
This is where I am now. I run a coaching and communications practice for people, organizations, and communities exposed to violence, conflict, stress, trauma, and adversity, or who promote health, humanity, and healing. I’m also a dedicated black belt Karate practitioner who stands for peace and I moonlight as an Arabic calligrapher and creative entrepreneur. I live a quiet and spiritual inner life and am equally committed to living in the real world. I see things as they are and I do not turn away. But where I am now is very different to the places I will share with you from my past. In this book, you will learn much about the person I have been. I share my memories, inner most thoughts, and insights to illustrate what it means to live towards a life of truth, awareness, forgiveness, and surrender. Perhaps the only thing that remains from my past is my ability to hold space for atrocities of the worst kind. That part will probably never change as it is imprinted on my heart. In this book, I don’t share extensive details of my humanitarian work or what it was like working for some of the world’s largest humanitarian organizations. I also don’t analyze history, politics, or theories of violence. This is intentional. I’ve done this for many years as a professional but now my focus is different. My role is to help you understand your inner world so that you may navigate the outer world more effectively. You could call me an inner guide of some sorts, someone who gets the outer world and isn’t afraid to address life beneath the surface. The book you’re holding is a personal narrative of what was happening within me as I was doing my outer work in the world. My intention is not to entertain you with what I’ve achieved, the job titles I’ve collected, the “exciting” places I’ve been, or the “important” people I’ve met. Who I am and the fragments of my story are really irrelevant; rather, it is what I’ve learned that I wish to share and so I reference my outer world only insofar as it relates to the lessons I share. I try to make sure you have some details to follow but not so much that I lead you astray. As this book is first and foremost an enquiry into and modeling of truth-telling, I can only tell you what I know is true and naturally, this will always be subjective. To counter bias, I chose to interview people I know and allow their words to guide the flow of this book and prompt the lessons I felt were relevant to share. You could say that their stories are the anchor and mine are the sea and waves around them.
* END OF EXTRACT *
! !
17
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” Rumi
What happens when violence, conflict, stress, trauma, and adversity turn your life upside down? What do you do? What happens when everything you thought you knew turned out to be a lie, including who you thought you were? Where do you go next? This is one woman’s inner journey through her Wild to find her Zen. Along the way, she finds Carl Jung’s 12 archetypes to guide her. Later, she interviews people who have faced different catastrophes and weaves their stories into her own. Against the backdrop of unrequited love and inner and outer wars, this rich, touching, and multifaceted epic journey will move you like no other. It will make you think, and think again. From war and sexual violence to cancer, being shot, imprisoned, and told you’re just not good enough, these words will prompt you to reflect on what it really takes to be – and stay – human, no matter what.
A book on Life, Love & Leading from the inside out.
Claire Higgins is a Humanitarian Coach and Communications Specialist. She partners with people, organizations, and communities who have been or are exposed to war, violence, conflict, stress, trauma, and/or adversity, and those who promote health, justice, and social healing. She is also a black belt Martial Artist who believes that love is the remedy to war. Her life’s mission is to help people bridge their inner and outer worlds for positive and lasting social change.
! !
18
!
A personal memoir & enquiry into politics, psychology, somatics & spirituality.
WILD ZEN An Inner Roadmap to Humanity 12 Ways to Journey Beyond Violence, Conflict, Stress, Trauma & Adversity By Claire Higgins
Wild Zen An Inner Roadmap to Humanity 12 Ways to Journey Beyond Violence, Conflict, Stress, Trauma & Adversity Version 1, 2015
© Copyright Claire Higgins All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the written permission of the author. This includes the electronic versions of the book.
Author & Designer
Publicist & Artist Agent
Claire Higgins
Hania Afifi
[email protected]
[email protected]
Editor
Technical Support Samar Itani
Victoria Higgins
! !
2
Praise for Wild Zen “An excellent resource for anyone who would like to overcome a past that is inhibiting a life of joy and purpose. Claire's personal, open, honest approach connects her with the reader from the first page and she introduces a new way of looking at life that could quite possibly be life-transforming for those that need it most.” Jessica Al Andary, Holistic Health Coach
“An eye-opener that gives recognition to every aspect of one’s life and allows you to reflect and value your whole inner self through release, forgiveness, love and capturing its inner strength. This book acts as a guide to finding peace within.” Dima Al Ayderous, Humanitarian, United Nations
"It is an intense read but in a positive way. It is probably a resource people could use to work through things on their own but ideally I think this book would be most effective if after reflections/notes in the workbook that the reader has a coach/counsellor to follow up and share with. I envision it being a fabulous tool in therapeutic support work. I can relate to the topic very well and it speaks to me very clearly, as a child, woman, development worker, coach/carer, writer, victim and the many other hats we wear as humans who care. Your perspective on healing which is present throughout the chapter is reassuring. In particular, as a humanitarian/development worker, I think readers from this background will find it very beneficial. Overall, a very honest and courageous piece of writing." Michelle Hennessy, Development Worker & Holistic Therapist
"A heart wrenching story, which awakens every single cell and feeling in your body, yet so inspiring and motivational for personal growth and development. Let the peace begin from the inside out!" Nigora Normatova, Health Coach & Yogi, founder of Eat the Sun, www.eatthesun.org
“As an holistic health coach, but also a trained therapist, having worked with many clients who have experienced trauma, I am drawn to the way that Claire gently guides her readers with an integrity and authenticity that radiates compassion and understanding for such an emotive subject, that is only too often neglected. It is written with grace and one can only admire another who has the courage to share a part of their soul.” Tracey White, Holistic Health Coach, www.traceywhitewellness.com
! !
3
“The authenticity, the naked honesty, with which Claire Higgins (who calls herself an “inner travel guide”) tells her story and that of others, is an invitation —even an unavoidable magnet— not only to look at your own truth in the face, but also, at all the ways in which we all resist looking at it, facing both the external an internal truth. People (we all) take for granted what we believe we are—our own truth. The mere daring to question if all you have done and been about is really true, is an outstanding endeavor that hardly anyone would be willing to take. The ability and, more so, the willingness to “hold the space for atrocities of the worse kind” is a merit hardly ever found. This raw truth will make you pause, question, maybe even fear the answers your mind will gift you with. What Claire Higgins, promises in this book is an extremely ambitious yet beautifully accomplished endeavor.
Bravo!” Shulamit Lando, Body-mind Psychotherapy, Strategic
Intervention Medical and Life Coaching, www.shulamitlando.com
“Claire’s words have touched not only my heart but also my soul. Her honesty and powerful words of the lessons she has leant has shaken up the wounded orphan within me and has left me inspired, thank you. Through Claire’s words I am able to feel what so many of my clients will need to go through in order to get through to the other side. She sums up the healing process perfectly, especially how ‘the shininess of our new perspective can lose its allure’ and how we need to go through the motions of healing in order to learn and digest from our experiences. I know that many of my clients will benefit from hearing this, it is even more powerful reading these words from an author of authenticity and passion and will support them in knowing they are not alone.” Heidi Jones, Health & Lifestyle Coach, www.oyhtoday.com
“I have the honor of knowing Claire personally. After reading her book, I can tell you that Claire “walks the talk” she writes of.
Her work is authentic and illuminating, and masterful in it’s
simplicity and accessibility. Claire’s work takes us on a journey she herself has taken, and in doing so, she inspires. This is a book I’d recommend if you are interested in approaching healing and growth in a way that focuses on you, yourself, learning different ways to access and connect with your own inner reserves of strength, insight, and healing.
Her work does not build
dependency like many “self help” approaches do. Instead, it focuses on providing the tools for you to better realize your own agency. There are no quick fixes to the external and internal trials and tribulations we all face in life. There is plenty of ambiguity. Claire’s work is imbued with courage and insight that inspires one to embrace the ambiguity, and to work mindfully towards creating and living the life you want to live, every day.” Anne Marie, Humanitarian Worker
! !
4
“This book has it all. Claire has managed to capture difficult and heavy episodes of her personal life, her passion for what made her zen so wild, and years of work dedicated to others, all in one. We go through life defining moments without voyeurism or inappropriate emotions: the story for what it is, what it brings to Claire’s quest, but mostly what it brings to us. This book is an inspiration as much as it is a helping hand, but I choose to see it as the account of one unique individual, from whom I have much to learn. There is almost no need for a key word explanation, as those concepts we discover throughout the book take the meaning we want them to take. Thank you Claire for sharing…give us more!” Mario Stephan, Founder & CEO, Arabian Perspectives
! !
5
A Love Note & Disclaimer… Thank you for purchasing my book. It has been a labour of love to bring light to our inner worlds amidst the many adversities we all face. It was also a tough choice to self-publish. In the end, I chose to go with my heart and do everything I could to bring this book out into the world. If you enjoy reading it, I'd love for you to tell your friends. Please be sure to re-route them to www.wildzen.me/book so they can find out how to purchase their own copy. The book is also available on Amazon Kindle. It’s just not as pretty as this PDF version. Please note that all the stories presented in this book reflect how I have experienced them. With the exception of those who I interviewed, they are all reflections of my own truth. Please be aware that I have withheld names of certain people and places in order to protect those involved, and that some of these people will naturally have other perspectives. Ultimately, this work is an inquiry into what it means to tell the truth and like any truth-telling venture, there is rarely just one version, even within ourselves. May your inner light continue to shine brightly! Many blessings,
Claire Higgins !
! !
6
Dedication For Walter. Because you left before you could tell your story, I had to find a way to tell mine. In doing so, I hope I have created a space in which others can one day do the same.
! !
7
Acknowledgements In life, we never achieve anything alone and this book is no exception. Without my family’s support, it would never have seen the light of day. I have the kind of parents and sisters who believe wholeheartedly in everything I do and for that I will be forever grateful. Mom, Dad, Tori, and Jane, your love and ability to hold space for my life’s work makes all the difference. Thank you to my interviewees who opened their hearts and minds to share their hard won wisdom: Mihaela Baduta Popp, Christoph Hensch, Yasmine Adel Kendra Gettel, Christina Barrentios, Steve Clarke, Amy Brathwaite, “Shireen”, Tori Higgins, Amber Bunnell Munck, Hassan, Nuran Higgins (not related), Sottoum, and Agam Shah. Without your willingness to give your time and energy, this book might not have happened. It was an honour to witness your moments of awakenings and navigate your paths less travelled to wholehearted living. Thank you to the friends and former colleagues who read the early drafts of this book: Hadeel Kadi, Gregor Schmalz, Courtney Trenwith, Nathalia Pendo Berkowitz, Yasmine Adel, Suzan Shedid, Dima Al Ayderous, and Gene Wright. Your constructive feedback helped me to see that this book was much bigger than the original 20 and 60-page versions I had in mind. I had to spiral through those two stages to open up to a much bigger project than I ever anticipated. Thank you to the fabulous woman who was always a few steps behind me, whipping this book into shape: Tori Higgins, my elder sister and editor. When such a book tells the story of your sister’s life through and beyond violence and trauma, it takes regular spellchecking, grammar, and style to a whole new level. You didn’t hesitate to dive into my wounds again and again, not only bearing witness but no doubt reliving parts of them for me as you made sure each word made sense. Your courage, strength, and resilience fill me with awe. Thank you to Hania Afifi, my dear childhood friend and publicist, who has known me since I was a rebellious 12-year old. Your fresh energy and lighthearted touch was exactly what this book needed when thinking of how to promote it to the world. Thank you also to Samar Itani, another dear childhood friend who offered her technical and ‘can-do’ attitude to tasks that often exasperate me. Like reducing file sizes and finding a print house able to take on a small-scale self-publishing project for later in the year.
Thank you also to eleven special women whose professional integrity and insights have informed my awareness and development, in the order in which they appeared in my life: Carolin Zeitler, my first coach mentor, for your early dance movement therapy sessions and for later inviting me to teach Yoga at women’s beach and desert retreats; Shulamit Llando, my former “thera-coach”, for witnessing my post-separation mess and helping me find Hilary and Cynthia; Lara Lagutina, my former therapist, for your steady support and witnessing of my post divorce healing and growth; Kara Martin Snyder, my health coach training mentor, for your wicked sense of humour and laser-sharp smarts that prompted me to dream outside my box; Nicole Van Hattem, my former health coach, for the dose of energy and positivity you poured from afar into my daily mission life; Amber Gray, my mentor in somatic therapies for torture and trauma healing, for your generous inputs and reflections when I was trying to figure the next step out; Alessandra Pigni, my former mindfulness coach, for your clarity and attention to detail as I prepared to leave my last mission; Sara Avant Stover, my spiritual/yoga teacher, for your love, energy and wisdom that informed much of my later healing stages, and for helping me to find the courage and faith to first live this book’s message before I wrote it; Cherie Carter-Scott PhD and Lynn U. Stewart, my professional coach training mentors, for your belief that I could do anything and your modeling that “anything” can be done; and Cerries Mooney, for your course on archetypal branding that unfolded in the background as I brought this book to life. Thank you to two inspiring Martial Artists who are each striving for peace: Danny Hakim, founder of Budo for Peace, who introduced me to the art of Budo in peacemaking, and Miles Kessler, founder of the Integral Dojo and Aikido Without Borders, who taught me the art of sitting quietly amidst the fire. Both of you prompted me to reflect on how I could best contribute to the world. Thank you to the friends and fellow/sister travellers who read my early blog writings on health, healing, and trauma recovery, the many Yoga and spiritual sisters I had in Sara’s global Red Tent, and the many students who passed through my home Yoga teaching space in Gaza. All of you bore witness as I found my voice and began to speak up. A very special thank you and acknowledgment to all those I have witnessed in my humanitarian work. I have sought to tell the world your stories again and again, and I doubt I will ever stop until the day my soul departs from this earth. And finally, a grateful prayer from the depths of my heart to Llewelyn Vaughan-Lee, whose spiritual writings inspired me to explore the dimensions of fire of love and truth, and to Pir Vilayat Khan, whose spiritual presence helped me navigate the deep and murky waters that come with writing such a book. The experience has left me transformed and ready for the more arduous path that lies at a deeper level within me.
! !
9
Contents 12
The Invitation
13 14 15 18 23 27 32
Key Words Travelling Tips My Journey The Darkest Hour The Turning Point The Lesson Your Reflections
33
Navigation Tools
34 38 40
The 12 Archetypes The Inner Roadmap Your Reflections
41
The Journey
42
Phase 1 | Turning Inwards
43 62
The Orphan’s Wound Your Reflections
63 77
The Caregiver’s Heart Your Reflections
78 92
The Explorer’s Quest Your Reflections
93
Phase 2 | Transforming Pain
94 108
The Warrior’s Spirit Your Reflections
109 123
The Alchemist’s Fire Your Reflections
124 135
The Innocent’s Return Your Reflections
! !
10
136
Phase 3 | Mining Wisdom
137 151
The Creator’s Cave Your Reflections
152 173
The Jester’s Tale Your Reflections
174 185
The Lover’s Gaze Your Reflections
186
Phase 4 | Living Truth
187 201
The Revolutionary’s Voice Your Reflections
202 215
The Wise Sage Your Reflections
216 229
The Ruler’s Palace Your Reflections
230
The End
231 235 236
Afterword Resources About Claire
! !
11
The Invitation
“Intellect is a guide; Love is a friend. Mind is a river you travel; Love is the water of life. Although there’s no trace of the lover’s journey in the heavens, No one reaches there without the signs of journeying.” Divan-e Shams-e Tabrizi: Quatrain 1098
! !
12
Key Words W ILD
All that is natural, innate, and uninhibited at birth.
ZEN
All that lives in balance, harmony, and at peace.
INNER
The part of us that nobody sees or hears except ourselves.
OUTER
That which is happening outside of us (e.g. family, work, politics)
ROADMAP
A rough plan that gets you from “A” to “B” (you define these!)
HUMANITY
A belief that we are ultimately all One.
W AY
A path that only we can chart for ourselves.
JOURNEY
A pilgrimage to our soul, or deepest self.
W AR
The manifestation of fear, shame, and anger.
VIOLENCE
The inability to accept things as they are and forcing change.
CONFLICT
A lack of inner alignment with our own values and principles.
STRESS
An imbalance of any kind that has negative consequences.
TRAUMA
A lasting shock to our entire systems and senses.
ADVERSITY
A test or trial that we think we may never overcome.
And, the most important word of all…
BEYOND
! !
The life that starts once we believe anything is possible.
13
Travelling Tips ! Slow down. Let go of whatever you’re
Do this your way. You may read this in
doing or needs to be done. Set aside the
one go or you may read only a few pages at
time you need to make this journey beyond
a time. It could take you months and you
your daily routine. Bring your full attention to
may even abandon it part way through to
it. This isn’t the kind of book you want to be
pursue another path. It’s ok. There is no
reading while thinking of something else.
right or wrong way; there is only your way.
Breathe deeply. This could be a tough
Be proactive. Take note of or underline
journey for some of you and. The way I write
parts that stand out. I recommend using the
and what I write about will no doubt prompt
accompanying “Workbook” to dig deeper.
you to reflect on related memories and past
Record your answers in a journal or
events from your life. I want you to stay
somewhere else that feels safe. Capture
strong. Go at your own pace, take what
your insights and lessons learned so that
matters for you, and leave the rest behind.
you can remember your way home.
Ask for the support you need. You
Change this story forever. The sole
may choose to share your journey with
purpose of sharing my story and those of my
trusted friends, a coach, a teacher, a
fellow travellers is to spark your own
personal trainer, or a therapist, or you may
storytelling circle. Our truth-telling is out
prefer to go it alone. Find or create a support
there in the open. We have chosen to speak
network and don’t be afraid to adjust it as
up so that you know healing through truth,
your life takes new turns.
voice and sharing can be done.
Let
to
Take leadership of your journey.
cultivate a beginner’s mind, or not knowing
There will come a time when you will want to
what will happen. We write and rewrite our
put this book down, take the lead, and tell
stories every day and with each breath we
your own story. This book is designed
start anew. Life changes, we change, and it
indirectly to encourage you to do exactly
is the freedom from rigid expectations that
that. Know that there are so many ways to
allows us to go with the flow.
tell stories. This is just the beginning!
! !
go
of
expectations.
Try
14
My Journey The ancient Chinese Philosopher, Lao Tzu, once said, “a good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent upon arriving.” He also told us “the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” These words have guided the past six years of my life. By nature, I’m a serial emergency planner and yet these years have taught me to hold my plans lightly, knowing that the direction of the wind can change in any moment. Indeed it has, more times than I can possibly tell you. I’ve learned how to travel differently through life. I no longer trust tried and tested roadmaps. You know, those maps that tell you to go to university, get good grades, find a good job, get married, be happy, and whatever you do, Don’t Rock The Boat. The last part is particularly important for nice people who want to please and be liked by others, and those who try to control them. The problem with living an outer-driven life is that it often holds you back from living a life that is really yours. I’m here to tell you that there is no proven map; there are as many “roadmaps” as there are people and politically speaking, this is why global peacemaking so often falls short. How could we possibly represent an entire people in one document? How can we possibly listen to leaders who haven't done their inner work? No. I don’t believe in imposing peace from without. The way to peace – or humanity – starts from within. Only then can the outer systems work. When we have established a sense of inner peace, we can contribute more effectively to our families, our communities, our workplaces, and the wider world. Such a peace agenda happens one person at a time. It is a laborious and grassroots process that strives for quality over quantity. We do not need to turn away from the suffering around us; rather, to learn how to turn inwards and tend to our inner fires so that we can stay present for it all. At first, we may wobble or fall but with practice, we learn to get back up and stand tall. At the threshold of every great journey, we must first establish a direction and then, find the courage to take our first step, even when we don’t know where our foot will land, or where the step after will lead us. This way of travelling through life requires faith, which is the ability to feel, sense, and trust something that cannot yet or ever be seen. Choosing to undertake an inner journey while our outer worlds are so busy or complex is not a decision to be made lightly. But sometimes, life gives us no alternative.
! !
15
For those of us living and working on the frontlines of life, the wars and adversities that we experience, witness, and document may leave us forever changed. We may grapple with extraordinary circumstances outwardly for years on end, making one political statement or humanitarian intervention after the other. Intellectually, we may think we’re moving forwards but a time will come when we stop the doing and find the courage to ask if this is really true. It is in such times of truth-telling that things can fall apart. Truths can hurt, particularly if we have avoided them for a long time, and if we haven’t yet done our “inner work,” we may face an emotional dam that risks flooding and destroying whatever we have made of our lives until that point. For example, our professional image, our social reputation, our financial status, our relationships. All of these can be swept away if this dam ever bursts. I know this not only because I’ve seen it happen to others but also, because it once happened to myself. On my six-year journey, I searched high and low for the answers to questions I was only just beginning to dare ask. Amidst the flood of emotions, I sought to keep my head above water. Treading water can get quite exhausting, especially when the waves keep coming, and so eventually, I learned to swim and go with the flow. I’ve since gotten used to the water and am a strong swimmer now. Sometimes I find land, sometimes I don’t, and somehow it matters less. But as you will learn in this book, it wasn’t always so. Aside from being human, I am also a humanitarian specializing in violence, conflict, and communications. Perhaps like you, I’ve borne witness to immense suffering like torture, imprisonment, war, disaster, displacement, and poverty. I also have a pretty violent past of my own that echoes much of what I’ve seen. So often, I’ve wished for a simpler life – if only I wasn’t so “complicated” - but that clearly wasn’t on the cards for me. You see, my destiny was written before I was born, I just couldn’t see it coming and even if I could have, I probably couldn’t have changed a thing. My life has happened exactly as it was meant to and I’ve reached where I am now right on time. There is nowhere else I am meant to be and every bone of my body knows this to be true. When my search for truth began, like most people I invested heavily in personal development. I felt lost and liberated to explore far and wide. My curious intellect and spontaneous nature guided me down many trails, all of which I am grateful for now yet no longer need as I once did. First, I trained as a Yoga and Martial Arts teacher. Later, I studied Psychology and Dance Movement Psychotherapy. As a client, I explored Somatic Experiencing, Jungian Analysis, and Health and Mindfulness Coaching. Towards the end of my journey, I retrained as a Professional Coach with an agenda to promote inner peace among people, organizations, and communities.
! !
16
This is where I am now. I run a coaching and communications practice for people, organizations, and communities exposed to violence, conflict, stress, trauma, and adversity, or who promote health, humanity, and healing. I’m also a dedicated black belt Karate practitioner who stands for peace and I moonlight as an Arabic calligrapher and creative entrepreneur. I live a quiet and spiritual inner life and am equally committed to living in the real world. I see things as they are and I do not turn away. But where I am now is very different to the places I will share with you from my past. In this book, you will learn much about the person I have been. I share my memories, inner most thoughts, and insights to illustrate what it means to live towards a life of truth, awareness, forgiveness, and surrender. Perhaps the only thing that remains from my past is my ability to hold space for atrocities of the worst kind. That part will probably never change as it is imprinted on my heart. In this book, I don’t share extensive details of my humanitarian work or what it was like working for some of the world’s largest humanitarian organizations. I also don’t analyze history, politics, or theories of violence. This is intentional. I’ve done this for many years as a professional but now my focus is different. My role is to help you understand your inner world so that you may navigate the outer world more effectively. You could call me an inner guide of some sorts, someone who gets the outer world and isn’t afraid to address life beneath the surface. The book you’re holding is a personal narrative of what was happening within me as I was doing my outer work in the world. My intention is not to entertain you with what I’ve achieved, the job titles I’ve collected, the “exciting” places I’ve been, or the “important” people I’ve met. Who I am and the fragments of my story are really irrelevant; rather, it is what I’ve learned that I wish to share and so I reference my outer world only insofar as it relates to the lessons I share. I try to make sure you have some details to follow but not so much that I lead you astray. As this book is first and foremost an enquiry into and modeling of truth-telling, I can only tell you what I know is true and naturally, this will always be subjective. To counter bias, I chose to interview people I know and allow their words to guide the flow of this book and prompt the lessons I felt were relevant to share. You could say that their stories are the anchor and mine are the sea and waves around them.
* END OF EXTRACT *
! !
17
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” Rumi
What happens when violence, conflict, stress, trauma, and adversity turn your life upside down? What do you do? What happens when everything you thought you knew turned out to be a lie, including who you thought you were? Where do you go next? This is one woman’s inner journey through her Wild to find her Zen. Along the way, she finds Carl Jung’s 12 archetypes to guide her. Later, she interviews people who have faced different catastrophes and weaves their stories into her own. Against the backdrop of unrequited love and inner and outer wars, this rich, touching, and multifaceted epic journey will move you like no other. It will make you think, and think again. From war and sexual violence to cancer, being shot, imprisoned, and told you’re just not good enough, these words will prompt you to reflect on what it really takes to be – and stay – human, no matter what.
A book on Life, Love & Leading from the inside out.
Claire Higgins is a Humanitarian Coach and Communications Specialist. She partners with people, organizations, and communities who have been or are exposed to war, violence, conflict, stress, trauma, and/or adversity, and those who promote health, justice, and social healing. She is also a black belt Martial Artist who believes that love is the remedy to war. Her life’s mission is to help people bridge their inner and outer worlds for positive and lasting social change.
! !
18
