Lauren walked into the kitchen, the enticing smell of mushrooms ...

Lauren walked into the kitchen, the enticing smell of mushrooms, onions, and garlic sautéing on the stove. She was making spaghetti for dinner, and her homemade sauce was one of Zack’s favorites. They’d eaten seafood pretty much the entire duration of his visit, and he’d requested something substantial and filling, especially since they’d spent most of the day snorkeling at John Pennekamp State Park in Key Largo. They couldn’t have picked a better day to do so. The water had been calm and incredibly clear. She’d been snorkeling a few times since moving down here, but today was by far the most spectacular outing she’d had. They’d taken a two-and-a-half-hour charter boat to Dry Rocks Reef, where the nine-foot Christ of the Abyss statue was perched under water, his arms outstretched, welcoming all life forms to his underwater world. The marine creatures were abundant and eye-popping—multicolored parrotfish, schools of striking blue tangs, sergeant majors, yellowtail snapper, and of course, the occasional barracuda or shark, which she elected not to cozy up to. Zack had thoroughly enjoyed himself, and he even wanted to learn how to scuba dive. Lauren, on the other hand, was perfectly happy skimming the water’s surface. “Okay, so I’ve been checking out local charter boat captains,” Zack said, sitting at the kitchen table, a beer in his hand, her gift to him for doing the legwork. “I’ve narrowed it down to three, but I really like this guy’s site. He seems to have a good sense of humor. His blog is called Officer, I’ll Turn Over a New Reef, I Promise. He blogs about all the crazy boating arrests down here.” “I like the name of the blog,” she replied over her shoulder, still working on the sauté. “Here’s a good arrest story. Trust me, you’re gonna think no one could make this one up. Listen. Local Man Claims Harassment by Dead 1960s singer, Tiny Tim On June 30, Islamorada police received calls from at least a dozen boaters witnessing a twenty-three-foot Grady White running in small but very fast and continuous circles near Pickles Reef. A sheriff’s boat patrolling near the area was dispatched to investigate the matter. Upon reaching the vessel, the two officers could see a man standing at the helm, his right hand on the steering wheel, his left hand waving madly. At first the officers thought maybe someone was in the water and in trouble. But they didn’t see anyone, only an errant boat buoy. The man appeared to be alone and highly agitated about something. They used a police bullhorn to get his attention, requesting he turn off his motor. Once alongside the boat, they asked the man if they could be of any assistance, as his boat seemed to be a tad out of control. According to the officer’s report, he promptly answered, “Hell yeah, I need your assistance. Tiny Tim is harassing me! He wants me to tiptoe through those damn tulips floating in the water and I refuse. He just won’t let up. I’ve got him circled, see him there? So could you please shoot him and make him shut up for good? Put us both out of our misery?” The subject was pointing to the lost buoy, and at that point, the officers guessed he was on some sort of potent hallucinogenic (ya think?), noting that he looked somewhat dazed and confused and under the influence. Add the fact that he was sweating profusely on a seasonably cool day with very low humidity, and all the signs were there. After ten minutes of attempting to calm him down, the officers judged the only way to placate the man’s delirium filled mind was to shut up Tiny Tim for good as requested. They shot the buoy three times, ending Tiny Tim’s harassment of the poor man once and for all. The subject then calmed down long enough for the officers to board his boat and handcuff him. A plethora of drugs and drug paraphernalia were found upon a quick search of the watercraft, and he was charged with drug possession and operation of a vessel in a reckless manner. The officers later joked that they both detested the song “Tiptoe through the Tulips,” and it was very therapeutic to put the singer and the song out of their misery, if only symbolically.

Lauren grinned. “I’m finding those types of anecdotes are commonplace down here. My straight-and-narrow, old-fashioned personality is having to get used to hearing them.” Zack laughed. In Lauren’s mind, she was a cool mom when she could even remotely amuse her teenage son. “You know, this Captain Turner is also good-looking. He might turn on those middleaged hormones of yours.” He grinned, nudging his iPad in her direction. “Come take a look.”