Next Level Practitioner
Next Level Practitioner - Biggest Mistakes
Week 83, Day 2 - Bessel van der Kolk, MD - Transcript - pg. 1
Next Level Practitioner Week 83: Mistakes in Treatment that Led to Professional Growth Day 2: What You Can’t Do For Your Client with Ruth Buczynski, PhD and Bessel van der Kolk, MD
Next Level Practitioner - Biggest Mistakes
Week 83, Day 2 - Bessel van der Kolk, MD - Transcript - pg. 2
Week 83, Day 2: Bessel van der Kolk, MD
What You Can’t Do For Your Client Dr. Buczynski: We know the therapist is a key player in someone’s healing and growth, but can we do TOO much in our work with clients? According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, it’s important to remember when to hold back. Here, he discusses what NOT to do to make the biggest difference. Dr. van der Kolk: I make mistakes all the time. The biggest mistake is trying too hard. The mistake I might make is to think that I can do something for somebody
“The biggest mistake is trying too hard.”
when they can only do it for themselves. So, when I get out of my role of facilitator of the internal processes, and
really get in a problem-solution mode, trying to help somebody figure out what the rational course of action is. I find that, in general, it doesn't work. Let's think about somebody who was very much stuck. When she was born, she was told that the whole family was happy until you came along, and you ruined our family. And now, 50 years later, that is still what she hears, and she still has a basic attitude of, I ruined the family. I spent entirely too much time trying to convince her that she did not
“The mistake is to think that I can do something for somebody when they can only do it for themselves.”
ruin her family. So trying to get a rational right-brain resolution of this deep feeling of, "I have ruined my family, and hence, I owe my family everything I can give them because I'm basically a terrible person." My mistake is not being able to get her outside of the position, observe that, and to feel for that part of her that has taken that message. I address the person – that part that has taken on the message and tried to convince her that things might be otherwise and that she might want to act differently. It always fails because it's a part of her that she needs to deal with.
Next Level Practitioner - Biggest Mistakes
Week 83, Day 2 - Bessel van der Kolk, MD - Transcript - pg. 3
She needs to say, "Oh, that poor kid who was being treated as if she ruined people's lives. And this poor kid who always needs to work to make up for having ruined other people's lives." But my doing it for her invariably fails. Other people come to mind along the same way of people who get stuck in the position of the unwanted child. I think that's part of the hardest things about the work that I do – and maybe my colleagues also — is to try to convince people that, in fact, they were wanted, or that they should have been wanted, or that their parents should be proud. It's only when I do my psychomotor, psychodramatic work where they get to feel what it would have felt like if they had been welcomed in their family. They go like, "Oh, my god, that poor kid, what she had to endure. And it didn't belong to her.” But it's very hard to get people out of that position.
So, when I talk about it it’s us putting ourselves up as the corrective, emotional experience. But what I see myself also do is, if I'm just loving and caring and consistent enough with this person, this person will take in what it would have felt like to be consistently loved as a little kid. It doesn't work. Because as Al Paso used to say, “it's the wrong person at the wrong time at the wrong place.”
“I'm not the agent that can bring that love into them.”
Somehow, you need to create a condition where people can observe themselves back there and say, "That kid needed love back then."
But it doesn't come from me right now. I'm not the agent that can bring that love into them. Dr. Buczynski: As Bessel reminds us, our role is to help the client observe and discover their own conclusions. Not to make the conclusions for them.
Tomorrow, we’ll look at how a missed opportunity can offer a hidden benefit. But right now, I want to hear from you. How will you use what you just heard in your practice today?
Week 83, Day 2 - Bessel van der Kolk, MD - Transcript - pg. 1
Next Level Practitioner Week 83: Mistakes in Treatment that Led to Professional Growth Day 2: What You Can’t Do For Your Client with Ruth Buczynski, PhD and Bessel van der Kolk, MD
Next Level Practitioner - Biggest Mistakes
Week 83, Day 2 - Bessel van der Kolk, MD - Transcript - pg. 2
Week 83, Day 2: Bessel van der Kolk, MD
What You Can’t Do For Your Client Dr. Buczynski: We know the therapist is a key player in someone’s healing and growth, but can we do TOO much in our work with clients? According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, it’s important to remember when to hold back. Here, he discusses what NOT to do to make the biggest difference. Dr. van der Kolk: I make mistakes all the time. The biggest mistake is trying too hard. The mistake I might make is to think that I can do something for somebody
“The biggest mistake is trying too hard.”
when they can only do it for themselves. So, when I get out of my role of facilitator of the internal processes, and
really get in a problem-solution mode, trying to help somebody figure out what the rational course of action is. I find that, in general, it doesn't work. Let's think about somebody who was very much stuck. When she was born, she was told that the whole family was happy until you came along, and you ruined our family. And now, 50 years later, that is still what she hears, and she still has a basic attitude of, I ruined the family. I spent entirely too much time trying to convince her that she did not
“The mistake is to think that I can do something for somebody when they can only do it for themselves.”
ruin her family. So trying to get a rational right-brain resolution of this deep feeling of, "I have ruined my family, and hence, I owe my family everything I can give them because I'm basically a terrible person." My mistake is not being able to get her outside of the position, observe that, and to feel for that part of her that has taken that message. I address the person – that part that has taken on the message and tried to convince her that things might be otherwise and that she might want to act differently. It always fails because it's a part of her that she needs to deal with.
Next Level Practitioner - Biggest Mistakes
Week 83, Day 2 - Bessel van der Kolk, MD - Transcript - pg. 3
She needs to say, "Oh, that poor kid who was being treated as if she ruined people's lives. And this poor kid who always needs to work to make up for having ruined other people's lives." But my doing it for her invariably fails. Other people come to mind along the same way of people who get stuck in the position of the unwanted child. I think that's part of the hardest things about the work that I do – and maybe my colleagues also — is to try to convince people that, in fact, they were wanted, or that they should have been wanted, or that their parents should be proud. It's only when I do my psychomotor, psychodramatic work where they get to feel what it would have felt like if they had been welcomed in their family. They go like, "Oh, my god, that poor kid, what she had to endure. And it didn't belong to her.” But it's very hard to get people out of that position.
So, when I talk about it it’s us putting ourselves up as the corrective, emotional experience. But what I see myself also do is, if I'm just loving and caring and consistent enough with this person, this person will take in what it would have felt like to be consistently loved as a little kid. It doesn't work. Because as Al Paso used to say, “it's the wrong person at the wrong time at the wrong place.”
“I'm not the agent that can bring that love into them.”
Somehow, you need to create a condition where people can observe themselves back there and say, "That kid needed love back then."
But it doesn't come from me right now. I'm not the agent that can bring that love into them. Dr. Buczynski: As Bessel reminds us, our role is to help the client observe and discover their own conclusions. Not to make the conclusions for them.
Tomorrow, we’ll look at how a missed opportunity can offer a hidden benefit. But right now, I want to hear from you. How will you use what you just heard in your practice today?
