The Dialogue of Forgiveness
The Dialogue of Forgiveness Shabbat Shuvah 5770 The Jewish Center Rabbi Yosie Levine
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A woman buys a talking parrot in the pet store. She brings it home only to discover that the parrot does nothing but insult her. Every word out of his mouth is thoroughly obnoxious and laced with profanity. The woman tries to get the bird to behave. But to no avail. Day in and day out – it’s nothing but a barrage of nasty insults. Finally, the woman is totally fed up. She can’t take it anymore. It just has to stop. She takes the birds and puts him in the freezer and closes the door. There’s no relief. The parrot just goes on and on – until suddenly: silence. The woman thinks to herself: Ohmigod. What have I done? I killed the parrot. She opens the freezer door. The parrot is fine. He steps calmly out of the freezer and he says, “I just want to say how sorry I am – especially if I’ve offended you in any way. Starting right now, I promise never to insult you and or use any foul language ever again. Can you forgive me?” The woman is beside herself. She says, “OK – I forgive you.” And then parrot goes on: "Can I just ask you one question: What did the chicken do?" For those of you who have the custom of using a chicken for Kapparos – you may find yourself asking this same question tomorrow afternoon. Either way, the question I’d like to ask today is this: When did forgiveness become such an important Jewish value? The word מחילהnever appears in the Torah. If you comb through the 613 mitzvos of the Rambam or Rav Saadiah Gaon – you won’t find an entry for the mitzvah of forgiveness. There isn’t one. And yet we’re all taught from a very young age that forgiveness – especially before Yom Kippur – is entirely indispensable. Why? What’s the magic of mehila and where did this all come from? What I’m proposing is that this morning we take a tour back through time to see if we can get to the bottom of this mysterious thing called forgiveness. What I hope is that – in the process – we’ll discover something fundamental – and really quite radical about the very nature of forgiveness. Let’s begin with the Rambam. There are two key sources that I want to learn with you as a jumping off point: רמב"ם הלכות חובל ומזיק פרק ה.1 הלכה ט שהמזיק ממון חבירו כיון ששלם מה שהוא חייב לשלם נתכפר לו,אינו דומה מזיק חבירו בגופו למזיק ממונו אבל חובל בחבירו אע"פ שנתן לו חמשה דברים אין מתכפר לו ואפילו הקריב כל אילי נביות אין מתכפר לו .ולא נמחל עונו עד שיבקש מן הנחבל וימחול לו הלכה י
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ואסור לנחבל להיות אכזרי ולא ימחול לו ואין זו דרך זרע ישראל אלא כיון שבקש ממנו החובל ונתחנן לו פעם ראשונה ושניה וידע שהוא שב מחטאו וניחם על רעתו ימחול לו ,וכל הממהר למחול הרי הוא משובח רוח חכמים נוחה הימנו. .2רמב"ם הלכות תשובה פרק ב הלכה ט אין התשובה ולא יום הכפורים מכפרין אלא על עבירות שבין אדם למקום כגון מי שאכל דבר אסור או בעל בעילה אסורה וכיוצא בהן ,אבל עבירות שבין אדם חבירו כגון החובל את חבירו או המקלל חבירו או גוזלו וכיוצא בהן אינו נמחל לו לעולם עד שיתן לחבירו מה שהוא חייב לו וירצהו ,אע"פ שהחזיר לו ממון שהוא חייב לו צריך לרצותו ולשאול ממנו שימחול לו ,אפילו לא הקניט את חבירו אלא בדברים צריך לפייסו ולפגע בו עד שימחול לו ,לא רצה חבירו למחול לו מביא לו שורה של שלשה בני אדם מריעיו ופוגעין בו ומבקשין ממנו ,לא נתרצה להן מביא לו שניה ושלישית לא רצה מניחו והולך לו וזה שלא מחל הוא החוטא ,ואם היה רבו הולך ובא אפילו אלף פעמים עד שימחול לו. הלכה י אסור לאדם להיות אכזרי ולא יתפייס אלא יהא נוח לרצות וקשה לכעוס ובשעה שמבקש ממנו החוטא למחול מוחל בלב שלם ובנפש חפיצה ,ואפילו הצר לו וחטא לו הרבה לא יקום ולא יטור וזהו דרכם של זרע ישראל ולבם הנכון אבל העובדי כוכבים ערלי לב אינן כן אלא ועברתן שמרה נצח ,וכן הוא אומר על הגבעונים לפי שלא מחלו ולא נתפייסו והגבעונים לא מבני ישראל המה. Now – there’s a lot going on here and we could spend all of our time this morning just trying to unpack these two Rambams. What I’d like to do is focus on five questions. You don’t have to remember them – I’ve formulated them for you on your source sheets. 3. Questions on the Rambam: 1) Why repeat? What is the need for the Rambam to essentially write the same ?halachah twice 2) If forgiveness is not a mitzvah, why is it so crucial that its absence prevents one on Yom Kippur? For something that is not even anכפרה from achieving obligation, this seems disproportional. 3) If forgiveness is not granted, why does the sin bounce from the wrongdoer to the . This is stunning. How are weוזה שלא מחל הוא החוטא victim? The Rambam writes: ?to understand the obligation of the victim to forgive 4) Why does the Rambam keep returning to the notion that forgiveness is the way of ?the Jewish people? What is the source for this? What is its meaning ?5) What does it mean that it is cruel not to forgive So now we can push the question back one step. We have a basis – and a pretty strong one at that – for the need for forgiveness as evidenced in the writings of the Rambam. ?The question is: What’s his source? Where did he get it from .4תלמוד בבלי מסכת בבא קמא דף צב עמוד א תני' .אע"פ שהוא נותן לו ,אין נמחל לו עד שיבקש ממנו ,שנאמר :ועתה השב אשת וגו' .ומנין שאם לא מחל לו שהוא אכזרי? שנאמר :ויתפלל אברהם אל האלקים וירפא אלקים את אבימלך וגו'.
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בראשית פרק כ.5 וּבין ֵ ָק ֵדשׁ-ֵשׁב ֵבּין ֶ ַויּ,אַב ָר ָהם אַ ְר ָצה ַה ֶנּגֶב ְ א וַיִּ ַסּע ִמ ָשּׁם1 And Abraham journeyed from thence toward the . ִבּ ְג ָרר, שׁוּר; ַו ָיּגָרland of the South, and dwelt between Kadesh and Shur; and he sojourned in Gerar. , ֲאח ִֹתי ִהוא; וַיִּ ְשׁ ַלח, ָשׂ ָרה ִא ְשׁתּוֹ-אַב ָר ָהם ֶאל ְ ֹאמר ֶ ב ַויּ2 And Abraham said of Sarah his wife: 'She is my . ָשׂ ָרה- ֶאת, וַיִּ ַקּח,ימ ֶל ְך ֶמ ֶל ְך ְגּ ָרר ֶ ֲא ִבsister.' And Abimelech king of Gerar sent, and took Sarah. ,ֹאמר לוֹ ֶ ַבּ ֲחלוֹם ַה ָלּיְ ָלה; ַויּ,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֲא ִב- ג ַו ָיּבֹא ֱאל ִֹהים ֶאל3 But God came to Abimelech in a dream of the night, .ֻלת ָבּ ַעל ַ ְבּע, וְ ִהוא, ָל ַק ְח ָתּ- ָה ִא ָשּׁה ֲא ֶשׁר- ִהנְּ ָך ֵמת ַעלand said to him: 'Behold, thou shalt die, because of the woman whom thou hast taken; for she is a man's wife.' ַצ ִדּיק- ֲהגוֹי גַּם,'ֹאמר—ה ַ יה; ַויּ ָ לֹא ָק ַרב ֵא ֶל,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ַא ִב ֲ ד ו4 Now Abimelech had not come near her; and he said: .' ַתּ ֲהרֹגLORD, wilt Thou slay even a righteous nation? אָמ ָרה ְ ִהוא-גַם- וְ ִהיא, ִלי ֲאח ִֹתי ִהוא-אָמר ַ ה ֲהלֹא הוּא5 Said he not himself unto me: She is my sister? and .יתי זֹאת ִ ָע ִשׂ,וּבנִ ְקיֹן ַכּ ַפּי ְ ְל ָב ִבי-אָחי הוּא; ְבּ ָתם ִ she, even she herself said: He is my brother. In the simplicity of my heart and the innocency of my hands have I done this.' -ָד ְע ִתּי ִכּי ְב ָתם ַ גַּם אָנ ִֹכי י,ֹאמר ֵא ָליו האלקים ַבּ ֲחלֹם ֶ ו ַויּ6 And God said unto him in the dream: 'Yea, I know ֵכּן- ִלי; ַעל- ֵמ ֲחטוֹ,אוֹת ָך ְ אָנ ִֹכי-ָא ְחשׂ ְֹך גַּם ֶ ו,ית זֹּאת ָ ְל ָב ְב ָך ָע ִשׂthat in the simplicity of thy heart thou hast done this, .יה ָ ִלנְ גּ ַֹע ֵא ֶל,יך ָ נְ ַת ִתּ- לֹאand I also withheld thee from sinning against Me. Therefore suffered I thee not to touch her. , וְ יִ ְת ַפּ ֵלּל ַבּ ַע ְד ָך,ָביא הוּא ִ נ- ָה ִאישׁ ִכּי- ָה ֵשׁב ֵא ֶשׁת, ז וְ ַע ָתּה7 Now therefore restore the man's wife; for he is a -אַתּה וְ ָכל ָ ,מוֹת ָתּמוּת- ַדּע ִכּי-- ֵאינְ ָך ֵמ ִשׁיב-ֶחיֵה; וְ ִאם ְ וprophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live; . ָל ְך- ֲא ֶשׁרand if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine.' - וַיְ ַד ֵבּר ֶאת,ֲב ָדיו ָ ע- וַיִּ ְק ָרא ְל ָכל,ימ ֶל ְך ַבּבּ ֶֹקר ֶ ַשׁ ֵכּם ֲא ִב ְ ח ַויּ8 And Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called . ְמאֹד,ָשׁים ִ יראוּ ָה ֲאנ ְ ִֵיהם; וַיּ ֶ אָזנ ְ ְבּ, ַה ְדּ ָב ִרים ָה ֵא ֶלּה- ָכּלall his servants, and told all these things in their ears; and the men were sore afraid. -וּמה ֶ ית ָלּנוּ ָ ָע ִשׂ-ֹאמר לוֹ ֶמה ֶ ַויּ,אַב ָר ָהם ְ ימ ֶל ְך ְל ֶ ט וַיִּ ְק ָרא ֲא ִב9 Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him: : ֲח ָטאָה ְגד ָֹלה, ַמ ְמ ַל ְכ ִתּי-את ָע ַלי וְ ַעל ָ ֵה ֵב- ִכּי,אתי ָל ְך ִ ' ָח ָטWhat hast thou done unto us? and wherein have I .ית ִע ָמּ ִדי ָ ָע ִשׂ,ֵעשׂוּ ָ י-ֲשׂים ֲא ֶשׁר לֹא ִ ַמעsinned against thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done.' -ית ֶאת ָ ִכּי ָע ִשׂ,ית ָ ָמה ָר ִא:אַב ָר ָהם ְ - ֶאל,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֹאמר ֲא ִב ֶ י ַויּ10 And Abimelech said unto Abraham: 'What sawest . ַה ָדּ ָבר ַהזֶּהthou, that thou hast done this thing?' ,יִ ְראַת אלקים-אָמ ְר ִתּי ַרק ֵאין ַ ִכּי,אַב ָר ָהם ְ ,ֹאמר ֶ יא ַויּ11 And Abraham said: 'Because I thought: Surely the . ְדּ ַבר ִא ְשׁ ִתּי- ַעל,ַה ָרגוּנִ י ֲ ַבּ ָמּקוֹם ַהזֶּה; וfear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife's sake. ; ִא ִמּי- לֹא ַבת,אַך ְ --אָבי ִהוא ִ - ֲאח ִֹתי ַבת,אָמנָה ְ - יב וְ גַם12 And moreover she is indeed my sister, the daughter 4
. ְל ִא ָשּׁה, ִלי-ַתּ ִהי ְ וof my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and so she became my wife. , ָוא ַֹמר ָלהּ,אָבי ִ ֱאל ִֹהים ִמ ֵבּית, יג וַיְ ִהי ַכּ ֲא ֶשׁר ִה ְתעוּ א ִֹתי13 And it came to pass, when God caused me to ַה ָמּקוֹם ֲא ֶשׁר נָבוֹא- ֶאל ָכּל:ֲשׂי ִע ָמּ ִדי ִ זֶה ַח ְס ֵדּ ְך ֲא ֶשׁר ַתּעwander from my father's house, that I said unto her: .אָחי הוּא ִ ִלי- ִא ְמ ִרי, ָשׁ ָמּהThis is thy kindness which thou shalt show unto me; at every place whither we shall come, say of me: He is my brother.' , וַיִּ ֵתּן,וּשׁ ָפחֹת ְ ֲב ִדים ָ ַוע,ימ ֶל ְך צֹאן וּ ָב ָקר ֶ יד וַיִּ ַקּח ֲא ִב14 And Abimelech took sheep and oxen, and men. ֵאת ָשׂ ָרה ִא ְשׁתּוֹ,ָשׁב לוֹ ֶ אַב ָר ָהם; ַויּ ְ ְלservants and women-servants, and gave them unto Abraham, and restored him Sarah his wife. . ֵשׁב,ֶיך ָ ַבּטּוֹב ְבּ ֵעינ:ֶיך ָ אַר ִצי ְל ָפנ ְ ִהנֵּה,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֹאמר ֲא ִב ֶ טו ַויּ15 And Abimelech said: 'Behold, my land is before thee: dwell where it pleaseth thee.' - ִהנֵּה הוּא--יך ְ אָח ִ ָת ִתּי ֶא ֶלף ֶכּ ֶסף ְל ַ ִהנֵּה נ,אָמר ַ וּל ָשׂ ָרה ְ טז16 And unto Sarah he said: 'Behold, I have given thy . וְ נ ָֹכ ַחת, ְלכֹל ֲא ֶשׁר ִא ָתּ ְך; וְ ֵאת כֹּל, ָל ְך ְכּסוּת ֵעינַיִ םbrother a thousand pieces of silver; behold, it is for thee a covering of the eyes to all that are with thee; and before all men thou art righted.' -האלקים; וַיִּ ְר ָפּא ֱאל ִֹהים ֶאת- ֶאל,אַב ָר ָהם ְ יז וַיִּ ְת ַפּ ֵלּל17 And Abraham prayed unto God; and God healed .ֵלדוּ ֵ ַויּ--אַמה ָֹתיו ְ ְ ו, ִא ְשׁתּוֹ-ימ ֶל ְך וְ ֶאת ֶ ֲא ִבAbimelech, and his wife, and his maid-servants; and they bore children. ְדּ ַבר- ַעל,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֶר ֶחם ְל ֵבית ֲא ִב- ְבּ ַעד ָכּל,' ָעצֹר ָע ַצר ה- יח ִכּי18 For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of { }ס.אַב ָר ָהם ְ ֵא ֶשׁת, ָשׂ ָרהthe house of Abimelech, because of Sarah Abraham's wife. {S} Even seeing the pesukim, the Mishna is still a little opaque. So let me ask you: What does the Mishna mean? Where’s the evidence for the notion of forgiveness in this exchange between Avimelech and Avraham? . בית הבחירה ב"ק צב.6
Meiri: Mehila needs to be so full that you’re even willing to daven for the wrongdoer as Avraham davened for Avimelech. Clearly, Avraham prays – so Avimelech must have asked him for mehila.
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To put it a little differently, Hashem made a deal with Avimelech. You have to give back Avraham’s wife and make such a full restitution – presumably including an apology and a request for forgiveness – that Avraham will daven for you so that you can be healed. Now that we’ve done a little investigating and traced the idea of מחילהback to its source, let’s see if we can begin to answer any of our questions. Our first question was: Why does the Rambam repeat himself? What’s the need for the Rambam to essentially write the same halachah twice? I would suggest that the Avimelech model is the basic obligation to make full restitution. Return what you’ve taken and makes amends. This is what the Rambam has in mind in הלכות חובל ומזיק. There’s an injured party. Something has been taken from the victim. The notion of restitution means not just a repair or a return of the goods that were damaged or stolen (or person in the case of Sarah), but as we see from Avimelech – restitution also means some kind of verbal apology or bridge-building. So implicitly, if the Rambam feels the need to write these same halachos in הלכות תשובה, the kind of forgiveness he’s describing on Erev Yom Kippur, must be a little different. And in fact, this is exactly how Rav Soloveitchik reconciles these two Rambams. 7. Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, cited in Before Hashem You Shall Be Purified, Arnold Lustiger pg. 121
According to Rav Soloveitchik, there are two types of forgiveness. Standard mechila – like Avimelech – means to return what’s been taken; ask for forgiveness; and move on. For Yom Kippur, something more is demanded of us – it’s not just mehila, but ritzui – which I would translate loosely as appeasement or reconciliation. Clearly, Rav Soloveitchik places the notion of pre-YK forgiveness on a much higher plane – one has to restore the relationship. Why? Because on Yom Kippur our kapparah happens together as a community – so we must naturally stand united as a community for this to be able to happen.
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I would accept the Rav’s distinction between Yom Kippur and the rest of the year. And I accept his explanation as well – namely that kaparah on YK is achieved as a community whereas the rest of the year we stand alone as individuals. But I would actually reach exactly the opposite conclusion. We understand the source for year round. We’ll expound on it a little more in a moment. But it’s Avraham and Avimelech. Ask for forgiveness like Avimelech. Grant it like Avraham. The mehila that we need before Yom Kippur I would describe – not as being on a higher level than standard mehila, but actually on a much lower level. Look at the Rambam’s vocabulary. On Erev YK, it’s about פיוסand – רצויthe forgiveness is much more of a process than an end unto itself. We’re just trying to achieve some kind of cordiality. One could even argue that for YK – it’s less than ideal. מנחת חינוך מצוה שס"ד.8
We have an impending deadline – and the whole thing will be a bust without mehila! So we’re forced into a corner – place the burden on the wrongdoer. Come up with a temporary solution and demand that the offender seek forgiveness. As the Rav says, if we’re going in as a community, we’d better be on good terms with each other. This is what Yotam Benziman calls the distinction between reconciliation and forgiveness. 9. Yotam Benziman, Forgiveness and Remembrance of Things Past, Azure No. 35 (Winter 2009), pg. 108
I would argue that רצויand – פיוסwhat the Rambam is really stressing in – הלכות תשובה are actually something much less than real forgiveness. They’re a stopgap – a kind of Band-Aid that will allow us to get through YK as a community. I don’t mean to say it’s a sham – it’s not. And this type of reconciliation has real value. It puts a salve on the wound, but it’s not restorative. When we talk about real forgiveness – that’s something much more than just reconciliation.
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Now I believe our first two questions are solved. Why does the Rambam repeat? Because there are really two different sets of halachos. When it comes to injury in a general way – we need to make restitution and a component of that process is asking for forgiveness (and we’ll flesh this out more in a moment). When it comes to YK, we’re only after a temporary solution. So of course the Rambam needs to describe them in their own terms in different places. And Rav Soloveitchik helped answer our second question as well: Why does the absence of forgiveness (which is not even a mitzvah) prevent YK from being effective? It prevents atonement on YK because on YK we stand together as a community. If we haven’t reconciled with our friends and neighbors – at least on a surface level – then there’s no way we can achieve communal atonement. So we have three questions still remaining: 3) What’s this wacky business of the sin bouncing off the offender and landing on the unforgiving victim? 4) Why does the Rambam keep returning to the notion that forgiveness is the way of the Jewish people? 5) What does it mean that it’s cruel not to forgive? There’s actually a third Rambam which will help us get to the core of the issue. רמב"ם הלכות דעות פרק ו הלכה ו.10 כשיחטא איש לאיש לא ישטמנו וישתוק כמו שנאמר ברשעים ולא דבר אבשלום את אמנון מאומה למרע ועד אלא מצוה עליו להודיעו ולומר לו למה עשית לי כך וכך ולמה חטאת לי בדבר,טוב כי שנא אבשלום את אמנון ולא יהא המוחל אכזרי, ואם חזר ובקש ממנו למחול לו צריך למחול, שנאמר הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך,פלוני .שנאמר ויתפלל אברהם אל האלקים In the first two Rambams we saw, we answered only half our question: We saw the obligation (though not mitzvah) of the wrongdoer to ask for mehila as part of a) making full restitution or b) helping create a unified community on Erev YK. But what about the flip side? What is the victim’s role in all of this? What’s amazing is that the mitzvah component of all this – falls into the realm of the victim! Forgiveness is one of the 613 mitzvos in the Torah after all! But the mitzvah is not to ask for it or grant it – but rather to solicit it from a wrongdoer. If I’ve been wronged, based on the command of הוכח תוכיחI have an obligation to steer the wrongdoer onto the right path and part of what that means is to encourage the sinner to request forgiveness. It’s the victim who jumpstarts the whole process! Notice what the Rambam is saying in Deos: Two halachos – one is for the victim to proactively start the conversation: הוכח תוכיח. The other is also about the victim! Be like Avraham and forgive once the wrongdoer asks for forgiveness. Now – let’s take one more step back before going forward:
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Why is Avraham the great model for the mishna and for the Rambam? There’s no one else in the Torah who forgave someone? We don’t even have an explicit pasuk – it’s all a deduction. We couldn’t have deduced somehow that Yaakov forgave Lavan? That Moshe forgave Miriam? Why do we work so hard to make Avraham the great paradigm? I’d like to suggest it’s because more than anyone else, Avraham demonstrates over and over again that victimhood is a station he is simply unwilling to occupy. Lousy things happen in his life. He’s childless for decades. His wife gets abducted twice. He has to banish his son. The list goes on. But he never lets these setbacks stand in the way of his accomplishing great things. More to the point, he never lets the fact that he is victimized stand in the way of his being the arbiter of his own destiny. Even an Avimelech doesn’t derail him. Avraham is victimized – yet he seizes the opportunity to lift up the moral standing of the place. Notice that Avraham gives Tochacha to Avimelech (see v. 11). He tells it like it is – even when the truth is difficult for Avimelech to swallow. It’s an amazing capacity – the ability – despite being tread upon or put down – or having your wife abducted – to stand up and continue the mission and stay right on course. Whereas normally the victim falls into the trap of paralysis, Avraham never stops being the subject. He’ll tell people when they’re wrong, daven for them, help them, etc. The Rambam wants us to notice that the victim is the one with all the capacity to help turn things around just as Avraham does. Fast forward one more chapter – to the kriah we lained on Rosh Hashana – and the medrash picks up this same thread: בראשית פרק כא.11 :)כה( והוכח אברהם את אבימלך על אדות באר המים אשר גזלו עבדי אבימלך כה: ספורנו בראשית כא.12
ספרי ר"פ דברים.13 מלמד שהתוכחה מביאה לידי שלום, וכתיב בתרי' )פ' כ"ז( ויכרתו שניהם ברית- )כה( והוכח אברהם It’s amazing. Avraham’s victimhood never stands in the way of his ability to help other people improve themselves and in the process repair relationships along the way. Now we can answer our remaining questions on the Rambam:
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3) Why does the sin bounce back to the victim if he fails to forgive? Because at its core, the real obligation – the mitzvah – is for the victim to begin the conversation. That’s the force of – הוכח תוכיחyou, as the victim, have a unique opportunity to do a chesed for the wrongdoer – help him correct the mistake and move forward. תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף פז עמוד א.14 כי היכי דני, כי הוה ליה מילתא בהדי איניש הוה חליף ותני לקמיה וממציא ליה,רבי זירא רש"י מסכת יומא דף פז עמוד א.15 עובר ושונה ומשל- חליף ותני When Rabbi Zeira had been wronged, he would go out of his way to encounter the person who had mistreated him, so as to give him an opportunity to apologize. 4) To be Jewish means to act in a way becoming זרע של אברהם אבינו. Avraham is the source for forgiveness. It’s all victim-driven. Avraham is the one who accomplishes הוכח תוכיח. He’s the one who sets in motion the idea of impelling the offender to seek forgiveness and then granting it – because he is the paradigm of ( ישרותsee netziv). He models for us what it means to live in the world, to be in relationships with people (often very much not like us) and hold up the highest standards of morality.
העמק דבר הקדמה לספר בראשית.16
5) If you don’t forgive, why are you described in such harsh language? Why are you an ?אכזרMaybe you’re just not ready yet? תלמוד בבלי מסכת ביצה דף לב עמוד ב.17 בידוע- וכל מי שאינו מרחם על הבריות, בידוע שהוא מזרעו של אברהם אבינו- כל המרחם על הבריות .שאינו מזרעו של אברהם אבינו Hence the opposite, too. If you don’t forgive, you have no compassion – you are an אכזר because you betray this most Jewish value. To recap: The Rambam tells us about mehila in three separate places: • In chovel – it’s about making full restitution. Not a mitzvah, per se, but part of the process of restitution. • In teshuva – it’s still not a mitzvah, but the Rambam needs you to ask for mehilah because Yom Kippur is coming and we can’t be a divided people.
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Most telling, is Deos – where the Rambam does identify a mitzvah which stems and the model for which is Avraham. The obligation devolvesהוכח תוכיח from onto the victim and the goal is for him to get the offender to ask for mehila.
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One final question and with this we’ll begin to wrap things up: How does forgiveness work? What’s the mechanism of forgiveness? What happens when you forgive me? Let’s – be honest. Even if we can agree to be friends in the future or maybe even start over what are you saying about the past? That what I did was OK? It wasn’t. That you weren’t hurt? That there wasn’t pain? There was. I understand on a certain level that God can forgive – He has the capacity to rewrite the past. But what about us mortals? How can we understand – even just on a simple ?cognitive level what it is that forgiveness does Case study: Yosef and his brothers .18רמב"ם הלכות דעות פרק ו הלכה ו כשיחטא איש לאיש לא ישטמנו וישתוק כמו שנאמר ברשעים ולא דבר אבשלום את אמנון מאומה למרע ועד טוב כי שנא אבשלום את אמנון ,אלא מצוה עליו להודיעו ולומר לו למה עשית לי כך וכך ולמה חטאת לי בדבר פלוני ,שנאמר הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ,ואם חזר ובקש ממנו למחול לו צריך למחול ,ולא יהא המוחל אכזרי שנאמר ויתפלל אברהם אל האלקים. ?Word only appears once in Tanach. Anyone know where ?Clearly, Rambam has in mind the story of Yosef and the brothers. Why .19בראשית פרק נ )טו( ויראו אחי יוסף כי מת אביהם ויאמרו לו ישטמנו יוסף והשב ישיב לנו את כל הרעה אשר גמלנו אתו: )טז( ויצוו אל יוסף לאמר אביך צוה לפני מותו לאמר: )יז( כה תאמרו ליוסף אנא שא נא פשע אחיך וחטאתם כי רעה גמלוך ועתה שא נא לפשע עבדי אלהי אביך ויבך יוסף בדברם אליו: )יח( וילכו גם אחיו ויפלו לפניו ויאמרו הננו לך לעבדים: )יט( ויאמר אלהם יוסף אל תיראו כי התחת אלקים אני: )כ( ואתם חשבתם עלי רעה אלקים חשבה לטבה למען עשה כיום הזה להחית עם רב: )כא( ועתה אל תיראו אנכי אכלכל אתכם ואת טפכם וינחם אותם וידבר על לבם: Perhaps the Rambam thinks of Yosef – because in one manner – Yosef got it right. He opens up the possibility of forgiveness by beginning the conversation. In this respect he emulates his great grandfather – he is the empowered victim. .20בראשית פרק מה )א( ולא יכל יוסף להתאפק לכל הנצבים עליו ויקרא הוציאו כל איש מעלי ולא עמד איש אתו בהתודע יוסף אל אחיו: )ב( ויתן את קלו בבכי וישמעו מצרים וישמע בית פרעה: )ג( ויאמר יוסף אל אחיו אני יוסף העוד אבי חי ולא יכלו אחיו לענות אתו כי נבהלו מפניו: )ד( ויאמר יוסף אל אחיו גשו נא אלי ויגשו ויאמר אני יוסף אחיכם אשר מכרתם אתי מצרימה: )ה( ועתה אל תעצבו ואל יחר בעיניכם כי מכרתם אתי הנה כי למחיה שלחני אלהים לפניכם:
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:)ו( כי זה שנתים הרעב בקרב הארץ ועוד חמש שנים אשר אין חריש וקציר :)ז( וישלחני אלהים לפניכם לשום לכם שארית בארץ ולהחיות לכם לפליטה גדלה )ח( ועתה לא אתם שלחתם אתי הנה כי האלהים וישימני לאב לפרעה ולאדון לכל ביתו ומשל בכל ארץ :מצרים :)ט( מהרו ועלו אל אבי ואמרתם אליו כה אמר בנך יוסף שמני אלהים לאדון לכל מצרים רדה אלי אל תעמד But Yosef fails to open up the conversation. His language is dismissive rather than engaging. Don’t worry about it – it wasn’t you – it was all part of a divine plan. That may be so. But it left no room for the dialogue of forgiveness. And both Yosef and his brothers suffer from the absence of that conversation. They’re never really able to put it past them. – לו ישטמנוthe mistakes and the regrets and the fears all linger until the very end. But there’s a clue in the language of these verses. Notice (source 19) what the Torah’s word is for forgiveness? נשא. 21. Yotam Benziman, Forgiveness and Remembrance of Things Past, Azure No. 35 (Winter 2009) pg. 105
Forgiveness is a stunning act of חסדon the part of the victim. He’s telling the wrongdoer, “I want to help you.” It’s so powerful. Forgiveness is utterly transformative. From the depths of paralysis, it becomes the vehicle by which the victim can assert a modicum of influence. As we already saw, Avraham is the great model of forgiveness – not only because he’s the ultimate איש חסד. Yes – he’s always searching for ways to improve the lives of other people; he’s never deterred by the seemingly immovable obstacles of poor moral decision-making. Now that we’ve deepened our understanding of what forgiveness is all about, I would add this: Avraham is our paradigm because he perpetually exhibits this quality – the capacity and the willingness to help shoulder the burden. Think of Lot. Think of Sedom. Think of every act in the life of Avraham that was geared toward the ultimate good of another person.
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Now, even if we’re arguing that the victim has the capacity to take the lead in all of this, the process naturally cannot be one-sided. תהלים פרק ל פסוק יב.22 :הפכת מספדי למחול לי פתחת שקי ותאזרני שמחה מצודת ציון תהלים פרק ל פסוק יב.23 : מלשון מחולות ורקוד- למחול On a certain level, מחילהis a dance. If it takes two to tango, then it takes an equal number to forgive. It won’t happen in one fell swoop. Pre-YK forgiveness might happen in an instant. Do you forgive me? Yes. Do you forgive me? Yes. That’s important and it’s worth something, too. But that doesn’t go to the core – the dialogue of forgiveness. If it’s the genuine article – the sincere coming together of two people who want to build up the broken pieces of a fractured relationship, forgiveness is sure to be a journey – and maybe not a short one. The model for engaging in the process of forgiveness as painted by the Rambam is remarkable. What’s so revolutionary about this approach is that it transforms the otherwise powerless victim into the party empowered to really do something constructive. In principle, it’s profoundly noble. In practice, it’s naturally much more complex. Even under the best of circumstances, it takes an enormous amount of courage and self-confidence to say, “I want to tell you that I feel hurt. I want to let you know that something you did put me in awkward position or embarrassed me.” We’re so accustomed to putting up our walls and our defense mechanisms. To make ourselves vulnerable in order to help another person – is a tall order indeed. There are a hundred reasons to engage in the dialogue of forgiveness. But if you take with you one message this morning, let it be this: The great legacy bequeathed to us by our ancestors is the ethic of being an Avraham Avinu. • Avraham’s tent is wide open. • His lines of communication are wide open. • And when it comes to really caring about other people, his heart is wide open, too. Yom Kippur is a great wake-up call, but the dialogue of forgiveness need not start and end on Monday. As the Rambam says over and again – this is – דרכן של זרע ישראלthis is what being Jewish is all about. It’s such a core value for our people. When it comes to repairing relationships, the Rambam is telling you that the deck is stacked in your favor. It’s so much easier to play the victim card. This Erev Yom Kippur, try playing the dialogue card. Don’t wait. Don’t wait for the other guy to make the first move. Maybe the other guy doesn’t even realize he’s done something wrong. Or maybe he knows it but he doesn’t want to open up that ugly chapter from the past.
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You do it. You walk over. You pick up the phone. You start the conversation. You’ll work on it together. And in the process, you’ll be lifting the veil from over one of the most fundamental qualities of your being a member of the Jewish people: your capacity to help shoulder the burden of another person as they come to terms with having made a mistake. Starting this conversation might well be the most difficult thing you do this teshuva season – but it may also be the most transformative. I wish each and every one of you and gmar chasima tova and a shana tova.
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A woman buys a talking parrot in the pet store. She brings it home only to discover that the parrot does nothing but insult her. Every word out of his mouth is thoroughly obnoxious and laced with profanity. The woman tries to get the bird to behave. But to no avail. Day in and day out – it’s nothing but a barrage of nasty insults. Finally, the woman is totally fed up. She can’t take it anymore. It just has to stop. She takes the birds and puts him in the freezer and closes the door. There’s no relief. The parrot just goes on and on – until suddenly: silence. The woman thinks to herself: Ohmigod. What have I done? I killed the parrot. She opens the freezer door. The parrot is fine. He steps calmly out of the freezer and he says, “I just want to say how sorry I am – especially if I’ve offended you in any way. Starting right now, I promise never to insult you and or use any foul language ever again. Can you forgive me?” The woman is beside herself. She says, “OK – I forgive you.” And then parrot goes on: "Can I just ask you one question: What did the chicken do?" For those of you who have the custom of using a chicken for Kapparos – you may find yourself asking this same question tomorrow afternoon. Either way, the question I’d like to ask today is this: When did forgiveness become such an important Jewish value? The word מחילהnever appears in the Torah. If you comb through the 613 mitzvos of the Rambam or Rav Saadiah Gaon – you won’t find an entry for the mitzvah of forgiveness. There isn’t one. And yet we’re all taught from a very young age that forgiveness – especially before Yom Kippur – is entirely indispensable. Why? What’s the magic of mehila and where did this all come from? What I’m proposing is that this morning we take a tour back through time to see if we can get to the bottom of this mysterious thing called forgiveness. What I hope is that – in the process – we’ll discover something fundamental – and really quite radical about the very nature of forgiveness. Let’s begin with the Rambam. There are two key sources that I want to learn with you as a jumping off point: רמב"ם הלכות חובל ומזיק פרק ה.1 הלכה ט שהמזיק ממון חבירו כיון ששלם מה שהוא חייב לשלם נתכפר לו,אינו דומה מזיק חבירו בגופו למזיק ממונו אבל חובל בחבירו אע"פ שנתן לו חמשה דברים אין מתכפר לו ואפילו הקריב כל אילי נביות אין מתכפר לו .ולא נמחל עונו עד שיבקש מן הנחבל וימחול לו הלכה י
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ואסור לנחבל להיות אכזרי ולא ימחול לו ואין זו דרך זרע ישראל אלא כיון שבקש ממנו החובל ונתחנן לו פעם ראשונה ושניה וידע שהוא שב מחטאו וניחם על רעתו ימחול לו ,וכל הממהר למחול הרי הוא משובח רוח חכמים נוחה הימנו. .2רמב"ם הלכות תשובה פרק ב הלכה ט אין התשובה ולא יום הכפורים מכפרין אלא על עבירות שבין אדם למקום כגון מי שאכל דבר אסור או בעל בעילה אסורה וכיוצא בהן ,אבל עבירות שבין אדם חבירו כגון החובל את חבירו או המקלל חבירו או גוזלו וכיוצא בהן אינו נמחל לו לעולם עד שיתן לחבירו מה שהוא חייב לו וירצהו ,אע"פ שהחזיר לו ממון שהוא חייב לו צריך לרצותו ולשאול ממנו שימחול לו ,אפילו לא הקניט את חבירו אלא בדברים צריך לפייסו ולפגע בו עד שימחול לו ,לא רצה חבירו למחול לו מביא לו שורה של שלשה בני אדם מריעיו ופוגעין בו ומבקשין ממנו ,לא נתרצה להן מביא לו שניה ושלישית לא רצה מניחו והולך לו וזה שלא מחל הוא החוטא ,ואם היה רבו הולך ובא אפילו אלף פעמים עד שימחול לו. הלכה י אסור לאדם להיות אכזרי ולא יתפייס אלא יהא נוח לרצות וקשה לכעוס ובשעה שמבקש ממנו החוטא למחול מוחל בלב שלם ובנפש חפיצה ,ואפילו הצר לו וחטא לו הרבה לא יקום ולא יטור וזהו דרכם של זרע ישראל ולבם הנכון אבל העובדי כוכבים ערלי לב אינן כן אלא ועברתן שמרה נצח ,וכן הוא אומר על הגבעונים לפי שלא מחלו ולא נתפייסו והגבעונים לא מבני ישראל המה. Now – there’s a lot going on here and we could spend all of our time this morning just trying to unpack these two Rambams. What I’d like to do is focus on five questions. You don’t have to remember them – I’ve formulated them for you on your source sheets. 3. Questions on the Rambam: 1) Why repeat? What is the need for the Rambam to essentially write the same ?halachah twice 2) If forgiveness is not a mitzvah, why is it so crucial that its absence prevents one on Yom Kippur? For something that is not even anכפרה from achieving obligation, this seems disproportional. 3) If forgiveness is not granted, why does the sin bounce from the wrongdoer to the . This is stunning. How are weוזה שלא מחל הוא החוטא victim? The Rambam writes: ?to understand the obligation of the victim to forgive 4) Why does the Rambam keep returning to the notion that forgiveness is the way of ?the Jewish people? What is the source for this? What is its meaning ?5) What does it mean that it is cruel not to forgive So now we can push the question back one step. We have a basis – and a pretty strong one at that – for the need for forgiveness as evidenced in the writings of the Rambam. ?The question is: What’s his source? Where did he get it from .4תלמוד בבלי מסכת בבא קמא דף צב עמוד א תני' .אע"פ שהוא נותן לו ,אין נמחל לו עד שיבקש ממנו ,שנאמר :ועתה השב אשת וגו' .ומנין שאם לא מחל לו שהוא אכזרי? שנאמר :ויתפלל אברהם אל האלקים וירפא אלקים את אבימלך וגו'.
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בראשית פרק כ.5 וּבין ֵ ָק ֵדשׁ-ֵשׁב ֵבּין ֶ ַויּ,אַב ָר ָהם אַ ְר ָצה ַה ֶנּגֶב ְ א וַיִּ ַסּע ִמ ָשּׁם1 And Abraham journeyed from thence toward the . ִבּ ְג ָרר, שׁוּר; ַו ָיּגָרland of the South, and dwelt between Kadesh and Shur; and he sojourned in Gerar. , ֲאח ִֹתי ִהוא; וַיִּ ְשׁ ַלח, ָשׂ ָרה ִא ְשׁתּוֹ-אַב ָר ָהם ֶאל ְ ֹאמר ֶ ב ַויּ2 And Abraham said of Sarah his wife: 'She is my . ָשׂ ָרה- ֶאת, וַיִּ ַקּח,ימ ֶל ְך ֶמ ֶל ְך ְגּ ָרר ֶ ֲא ִבsister.' And Abimelech king of Gerar sent, and took Sarah. ,ֹאמר לוֹ ֶ ַבּ ֲחלוֹם ַה ָלּיְ ָלה; ַויּ,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֲא ִב- ג ַו ָיּבֹא ֱאל ִֹהים ֶאל3 But God came to Abimelech in a dream of the night, .ֻלת ָבּ ַעל ַ ְבּע, וְ ִהוא, ָל ַק ְח ָתּ- ָה ִא ָשּׁה ֲא ֶשׁר- ִהנְּ ָך ֵמת ַעלand said to him: 'Behold, thou shalt die, because of the woman whom thou hast taken; for she is a man's wife.' ַצ ִדּיק- ֲהגוֹי גַּם,'ֹאמר—ה ַ יה; ַויּ ָ לֹא ָק ַרב ֵא ֶל,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ַא ִב ֲ ד ו4 Now Abimelech had not come near her; and he said: .' ַתּ ֲהרֹגLORD, wilt Thou slay even a righteous nation? אָמ ָרה ְ ִהוא-גַם- וְ ִהיא, ִלי ֲאח ִֹתי ִהוא-אָמר ַ ה ֲהלֹא הוּא5 Said he not himself unto me: She is my sister? and .יתי זֹאת ִ ָע ִשׂ,וּבנִ ְקיֹן ַכּ ַפּי ְ ְל ָב ִבי-אָחי הוּא; ְבּ ָתם ִ she, even she herself said: He is my brother. In the simplicity of my heart and the innocency of my hands have I done this.' -ָד ְע ִתּי ִכּי ְב ָתם ַ גַּם אָנ ִֹכי י,ֹאמר ֵא ָליו האלקים ַבּ ֲחלֹם ֶ ו ַויּ6 And God said unto him in the dream: 'Yea, I know ֵכּן- ִלי; ַעל- ֵמ ֲחטוֹ,אוֹת ָך ְ אָנ ִֹכי-ָא ְחשׂ ְֹך גַּם ֶ ו,ית זֹּאת ָ ְל ָב ְב ָך ָע ִשׂthat in the simplicity of thy heart thou hast done this, .יה ָ ִלנְ גּ ַֹע ֵא ֶל,יך ָ נְ ַת ִתּ- לֹאand I also withheld thee from sinning against Me. Therefore suffered I thee not to touch her. , וְ יִ ְת ַפּ ֵלּל ַבּ ַע ְד ָך,ָביא הוּא ִ נ- ָה ִאישׁ ִכּי- ָה ֵשׁב ֵא ֶשׁת, ז וְ ַע ָתּה7 Now therefore restore the man's wife; for he is a -אַתּה וְ ָכל ָ ,מוֹת ָתּמוּת- ַדּע ִכּי-- ֵאינְ ָך ֵמ ִשׁיב-ֶחיֵה; וְ ִאם ְ וprophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live; . ָל ְך- ֲא ֶשׁרand if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine.' - וַיְ ַד ֵבּר ֶאת,ֲב ָדיו ָ ע- וַיִּ ְק ָרא ְל ָכל,ימ ֶל ְך ַבּבּ ֶֹקר ֶ ַשׁ ֵכּם ֲא ִב ְ ח ַויּ8 And Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called . ְמאֹד,ָשׁים ִ יראוּ ָה ֲאנ ְ ִֵיהם; וַיּ ֶ אָזנ ְ ְבּ, ַה ְדּ ָב ִרים ָה ֵא ֶלּה- ָכּלall his servants, and told all these things in their ears; and the men were sore afraid. -וּמה ֶ ית ָלּנוּ ָ ָע ִשׂ-ֹאמר לוֹ ֶמה ֶ ַויּ,אַב ָר ָהם ְ ימ ֶל ְך ְל ֶ ט וַיִּ ְק ָרא ֲא ִב9 Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him: : ֲח ָטאָה ְגד ָֹלה, ַמ ְמ ַל ְכ ִתּי-את ָע ַלי וְ ַעל ָ ֵה ֵב- ִכּי,אתי ָל ְך ִ ' ָח ָטWhat hast thou done unto us? and wherein have I .ית ִע ָמּ ִדי ָ ָע ִשׂ,ֵעשׂוּ ָ י-ֲשׂים ֲא ֶשׁר לֹא ִ ַמעsinned against thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done.' -ית ֶאת ָ ִכּי ָע ִשׂ,ית ָ ָמה ָר ִא:אַב ָר ָהם ְ - ֶאל,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֹאמר ֲא ִב ֶ י ַויּ10 And Abimelech said unto Abraham: 'What sawest . ַה ָדּ ָבר ַהזֶּהthou, that thou hast done this thing?' ,יִ ְראַת אלקים-אָמ ְר ִתּי ַרק ֵאין ַ ִכּי,אַב ָר ָהם ְ ,ֹאמר ֶ יא ַויּ11 And Abraham said: 'Because I thought: Surely the . ְדּ ַבר ִא ְשׁ ִתּי- ַעל,ַה ָרגוּנִ י ֲ ַבּ ָמּקוֹם ַהזֶּה; וfear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife's sake. ; ִא ִמּי- לֹא ַבת,אַך ְ --אָבי ִהוא ִ - ֲאח ִֹתי ַבת,אָמנָה ְ - יב וְ גַם12 And moreover she is indeed my sister, the daughter 4
. ְל ִא ָשּׁה, ִלי-ַתּ ִהי ְ וof my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and so she became my wife. , ָוא ַֹמר ָלהּ,אָבי ִ ֱאל ִֹהים ִמ ֵבּית, יג וַיְ ִהי ַכּ ֲא ֶשׁר ִה ְתעוּ א ִֹתי13 And it came to pass, when God caused me to ַה ָמּקוֹם ֲא ֶשׁר נָבוֹא- ֶאל ָכּל:ֲשׂי ִע ָמּ ִדי ִ זֶה ַח ְס ֵדּ ְך ֲא ֶשׁר ַתּעwander from my father's house, that I said unto her: .אָחי הוּא ִ ִלי- ִא ְמ ִרי, ָשׁ ָמּהThis is thy kindness which thou shalt show unto me; at every place whither we shall come, say of me: He is my brother.' , וַיִּ ֵתּן,וּשׁ ָפחֹת ְ ֲב ִדים ָ ַוע,ימ ֶל ְך צֹאן וּ ָב ָקר ֶ יד וַיִּ ַקּח ֲא ִב14 And Abimelech took sheep and oxen, and men. ֵאת ָשׂ ָרה ִא ְשׁתּוֹ,ָשׁב לוֹ ֶ אַב ָר ָהם; ַויּ ְ ְלservants and women-servants, and gave them unto Abraham, and restored him Sarah his wife. . ֵשׁב,ֶיך ָ ַבּטּוֹב ְבּ ֵעינ:ֶיך ָ אַר ִצי ְל ָפנ ְ ִהנֵּה,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֹאמר ֲא ִב ֶ טו ַויּ15 And Abimelech said: 'Behold, my land is before thee: dwell where it pleaseth thee.' - ִהנֵּה הוּא--יך ְ אָח ִ ָת ִתּי ֶא ֶלף ֶכּ ֶסף ְל ַ ִהנֵּה נ,אָמר ַ וּל ָשׂ ָרה ְ טז16 And unto Sarah he said: 'Behold, I have given thy . וְ נ ָֹכ ַחת, ְלכֹל ֲא ֶשׁר ִא ָתּ ְך; וְ ֵאת כֹּל, ָל ְך ְכּסוּת ֵעינַיִ םbrother a thousand pieces of silver; behold, it is for thee a covering of the eyes to all that are with thee; and before all men thou art righted.' -האלקים; וַיִּ ְר ָפּא ֱאל ִֹהים ֶאת- ֶאל,אַב ָר ָהם ְ יז וַיִּ ְת ַפּ ֵלּל17 And Abraham prayed unto God; and God healed .ֵלדוּ ֵ ַויּ--אַמה ָֹתיו ְ ְ ו, ִא ְשׁתּוֹ-ימ ֶל ְך וְ ֶאת ֶ ֲא ִבAbimelech, and his wife, and his maid-servants; and they bore children. ְדּ ַבר- ַעל,ימ ֶל ְך ֶ ֶר ֶחם ְל ֵבית ֲא ִב- ְבּ ַעד ָכּל,' ָעצֹר ָע ַצר ה- יח ִכּי18 For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of { }ס.אַב ָר ָהם ְ ֵא ֶשׁת, ָשׂ ָרהthe house of Abimelech, because of Sarah Abraham's wife. {S} Even seeing the pesukim, the Mishna is still a little opaque. So let me ask you: What does the Mishna mean? Where’s the evidence for the notion of forgiveness in this exchange between Avimelech and Avraham? . בית הבחירה ב"ק צב.6
Meiri: Mehila needs to be so full that you’re even willing to daven for the wrongdoer as Avraham davened for Avimelech. Clearly, Avraham prays – so Avimelech must have asked him for mehila.
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To put it a little differently, Hashem made a deal with Avimelech. You have to give back Avraham’s wife and make such a full restitution – presumably including an apology and a request for forgiveness – that Avraham will daven for you so that you can be healed. Now that we’ve done a little investigating and traced the idea of מחילהback to its source, let’s see if we can begin to answer any of our questions. Our first question was: Why does the Rambam repeat himself? What’s the need for the Rambam to essentially write the same halachah twice? I would suggest that the Avimelech model is the basic obligation to make full restitution. Return what you’ve taken and makes amends. This is what the Rambam has in mind in הלכות חובל ומזיק. There’s an injured party. Something has been taken from the victim. The notion of restitution means not just a repair or a return of the goods that were damaged or stolen (or person in the case of Sarah), but as we see from Avimelech – restitution also means some kind of verbal apology or bridge-building. So implicitly, if the Rambam feels the need to write these same halachos in הלכות תשובה, the kind of forgiveness he’s describing on Erev Yom Kippur, must be a little different. And in fact, this is exactly how Rav Soloveitchik reconciles these two Rambams. 7. Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, cited in Before Hashem You Shall Be Purified, Arnold Lustiger pg. 121
According to Rav Soloveitchik, there are two types of forgiveness. Standard mechila – like Avimelech – means to return what’s been taken; ask for forgiveness; and move on. For Yom Kippur, something more is demanded of us – it’s not just mehila, but ritzui – which I would translate loosely as appeasement or reconciliation. Clearly, Rav Soloveitchik places the notion of pre-YK forgiveness on a much higher plane – one has to restore the relationship. Why? Because on Yom Kippur our kapparah happens together as a community – so we must naturally stand united as a community for this to be able to happen.
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I would accept the Rav’s distinction between Yom Kippur and the rest of the year. And I accept his explanation as well – namely that kaparah on YK is achieved as a community whereas the rest of the year we stand alone as individuals. But I would actually reach exactly the opposite conclusion. We understand the source for year round. We’ll expound on it a little more in a moment. But it’s Avraham and Avimelech. Ask for forgiveness like Avimelech. Grant it like Avraham. The mehila that we need before Yom Kippur I would describe – not as being on a higher level than standard mehila, but actually on a much lower level. Look at the Rambam’s vocabulary. On Erev YK, it’s about פיוסand – רצויthe forgiveness is much more of a process than an end unto itself. We’re just trying to achieve some kind of cordiality. One could even argue that for YK – it’s less than ideal. מנחת חינוך מצוה שס"ד.8
We have an impending deadline – and the whole thing will be a bust without mehila! So we’re forced into a corner – place the burden on the wrongdoer. Come up with a temporary solution and demand that the offender seek forgiveness. As the Rav says, if we’re going in as a community, we’d better be on good terms with each other. This is what Yotam Benziman calls the distinction between reconciliation and forgiveness. 9. Yotam Benziman, Forgiveness and Remembrance of Things Past, Azure No. 35 (Winter 2009), pg. 108
I would argue that רצויand – פיוסwhat the Rambam is really stressing in – הלכות תשובה are actually something much less than real forgiveness. They’re a stopgap – a kind of Band-Aid that will allow us to get through YK as a community. I don’t mean to say it’s a sham – it’s not. And this type of reconciliation has real value. It puts a salve on the wound, but it’s not restorative. When we talk about real forgiveness – that’s something much more than just reconciliation.
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Now I believe our first two questions are solved. Why does the Rambam repeat? Because there are really two different sets of halachos. When it comes to injury in a general way – we need to make restitution and a component of that process is asking for forgiveness (and we’ll flesh this out more in a moment). When it comes to YK, we’re only after a temporary solution. So of course the Rambam needs to describe them in their own terms in different places. And Rav Soloveitchik helped answer our second question as well: Why does the absence of forgiveness (which is not even a mitzvah) prevent YK from being effective? It prevents atonement on YK because on YK we stand together as a community. If we haven’t reconciled with our friends and neighbors – at least on a surface level – then there’s no way we can achieve communal atonement. So we have three questions still remaining: 3) What’s this wacky business of the sin bouncing off the offender and landing on the unforgiving victim? 4) Why does the Rambam keep returning to the notion that forgiveness is the way of the Jewish people? 5) What does it mean that it’s cruel not to forgive? There’s actually a third Rambam which will help us get to the core of the issue. רמב"ם הלכות דעות פרק ו הלכה ו.10 כשיחטא איש לאיש לא ישטמנו וישתוק כמו שנאמר ברשעים ולא דבר אבשלום את אמנון מאומה למרע ועד אלא מצוה עליו להודיעו ולומר לו למה עשית לי כך וכך ולמה חטאת לי בדבר,טוב כי שנא אבשלום את אמנון ולא יהא המוחל אכזרי, ואם חזר ובקש ממנו למחול לו צריך למחול, שנאמר הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך,פלוני .שנאמר ויתפלל אברהם אל האלקים In the first two Rambams we saw, we answered only half our question: We saw the obligation (though not mitzvah) of the wrongdoer to ask for mehila as part of a) making full restitution or b) helping create a unified community on Erev YK. But what about the flip side? What is the victim’s role in all of this? What’s amazing is that the mitzvah component of all this – falls into the realm of the victim! Forgiveness is one of the 613 mitzvos in the Torah after all! But the mitzvah is not to ask for it or grant it – but rather to solicit it from a wrongdoer. If I’ve been wronged, based on the command of הוכח תוכיחI have an obligation to steer the wrongdoer onto the right path and part of what that means is to encourage the sinner to request forgiveness. It’s the victim who jumpstarts the whole process! Notice what the Rambam is saying in Deos: Two halachos – one is for the victim to proactively start the conversation: הוכח תוכיח. The other is also about the victim! Be like Avraham and forgive once the wrongdoer asks for forgiveness. Now – let’s take one more step back before going forward:
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Why is Avraham the great model for the mishna and for the Rambam? There’s no one else in the Torah who forgave someone? We don’t even have an explicit pasuk – it’s all a deduction. We couldn’t have deduced somehow that Yaakov forgave Lavan? That Moshe forgave Miriam? Why do we work so hard to make Avraham the great paradigm? I’d like to suggest it’s because more than anyone else, Avraham demonstrates over and over again that victimhood is a station he is simply unwilling to occupy. Lousy things happen in his life. He’s childless for decades. His wife gets abducted twice. He has to banish his son. The list goes on. But he never lets these setbacks stand in the way of his accomplishing great things. More to the point, he never lets the fact that he is victimized stand in the way of his being the arbiter of his own destiny. Even an Avimelech doesn’t derail him. Avraham is victimized – yet he seizes the opportunity to lift up the moral standing of the place. Notice that Avraham gives Tochacha to Avimelech (see v. 11). He tells it like it is – even when the truth is difficult for Avimelech to swallow. It’s an amazing capacity – the ability – despite being tread upon or put down – or having your wife abducted – to stand up and continue the mission and stay right on course. Whereas normally the victim falls into the trap of paralysis, Avraham never stops being the subject. He’ll tell people when they’re wrong, daven for them, help them, etc. The Rambam wants us to notice that the victim is the one with all the capacity to help turn things around just as Avraham does. Fast forward one more chapter – to the kriah we lained on Rosh Hashana – and the medrash picks up this same thread: בראשית פרק כא.11 :)כה( והוכח אברהם את אבימלך על אדות באר המים אשר גזלו עבדי אבימלך כה: ספורנו בראשית כא.12
ספרי ר"פ דברים.13 מלמד שהתוכחה מביאה לידי שלום, וכתיב בתרי' )פ' כ"ז( ויכרתו שניהם ברית- )כה( והוכח אברהם It’s amazing. Avraham’s victimhood never stands in the way of his ability to help other people improve themselves and in the process repair relationships along the way. Now we can answer our remaining questions on the Rambam:
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3) Why does the sin bounce back to the victim if he fails to forgive? Because at its core, the real obligation – the mitzvah – is for the victim to begin the conversation. That’s the force of – הוכח תוכיחyou, as the victim, have a unique opportunity to do a chesed for the wrongdoer – help him correct the mistake and move forward. תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף פז עמוד א.14 כי היכי דני, כי הוה ליה מילתא בהדי איניש הוה חליף ותני לקמיה וממציא ליה,רבי זירא רש"י מסכת יומא דף פז עמוד א.15 עובר ושונה ומשל- חליף ותני When Rabbi Zeira had been wronged, he would go out of his way to encounter the person who had mistreated him, so as to give him an opportunity to apologize. 4) To be Jewish means to act in a way becoming זרע של אברהם אבינו. Avraham is the source for forgiveness. It’s all victim-driven. Avraham is the one who accomplishes הוכח תוכיח. He’s the one who sets in motion the idea of impelling the offender to seek forgiveness and then granting it – because he is the paradigm of ( ישרותsee netziv). He models for us what it means to live in the world, to be in relationships with people (often very much not like us) and hold up the highest standards of morality.
העמק דבר הקדמה לספר בראשית.16
5) If you don’t forgive, why are you described in such harsh language? Why are you an ?אכזרMaybe you’re just not ready yet? תלמוד בבלי מסכת ביצה דף לב עמוד ב.17 בידוע- וכל מי שאינו מרחם על הבריות, בידוע שהוא מזרעו של אברהם אבינו- כל המרחם על הבריות .שאינו מזרעו של אברהם אבינו Hence the opposite, too. If you don’t forgive, you have no compassion – you are an אכזר because you betray this most Jewish value. To recap: The Rambam tells us about mehila in three separate places: • In chovel – it’s about making full restitution. Not a mitzvah, per se, but part of the process of restitution. • In teshuva – it’s still not a mitzvah, but the Rambam needs you to ask for mehilah because Yom Kippur is coming and we can’t be a divided people.
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Most telling, is Deos – where the Rambam does identify a mitzvah which stems and the model for which is Avraham. The obligation devolvesהוכח תוכיח from onto the victim and the goal is for him to get the offender to ask for mehila.
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One final question and with this we’ll begin to wrap things up: How does forgiveness work? What’s the mechanism of forgiveness? What happens when you forgive me? Let’s – be honest. Even if we can agree to be friends in the future or maybe even start over what are you saying about the past? That what I did was OK? It wasn’t. That you weren’t hurt? That there wasn’t pain? There was. I understand on a certain level that God can forgive – He has the capacity to rewrite the past. But what about us mortals? How can we understand – even just on a simple ?cognitive level what it is that forgiveness does Case study: Yosef and his brothers .18רמב"ם הלכות דעות פרק ו הלכה ו כשיחטא איש לאיש לא ישטמנו וישתוק כמו שנאמר ברשעים ולא דבר אבשלום את אמנון מאומה למרע ועד טוב כי שנא אבשלום את אמנון ,אלא מצוה עליו להודיעו ולומר לו למה עשית לי כך וכך ולמה חטאת לי בדבר פלוני ,שנאמר הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ,ואם חזר ובקש ממנו למחול לו צריך למחול ,ולא יהא המוחל אכזרי שנאמר ויתפלל אברהם אל האלקים. ?Word only appears once in Tanach. Anyone know where ?Clearly, Rambam has in mind the story of Yosef and the brothers. Why .19בראשית פרק נ )טו( ויראו אחי יוסף כי מת אביהם ויאמרו לו ישטמנו יוסף והשב ישיב לנו את כל הרעה אשר גמלנו אתו: )טז( ויצוו אל יוסף לאמר אביך צוה לפני מותו לאמר: )יז( כה תאמרו ליוסף אנא שא נא פשע אחיך וחטאתם כי רעה גמלוך ועתה שא נא לפשע עבדי אלהי אביך ויבך יוסף בדברם אליו: )יח( וילכו גם אחיו ויפלו לפניו ויאמרו הננו לך לעבדים: )יט( ויאמר אלהם יוסף אל תיראו כי התחת אלקים אני: )כ( ואתם חשבתם עלי רעה אלקים חשבה לטבה למען עשה כיום הזה להחית עם רב: )כא( ועתה אל תיראו אנכי אכלכל אתכם ואת טפכם וינחם אותם וידבר על לבם: Perhaps the Rambam thinks of Yosef – because in one manner – Yosef got it right. He opens up the possibility of forgiveness by beginning the conversation. In this respect he emulates his great grandfather – he is the empowered victim. .20בראשית פרק מה )א( ולא יכל יוסף להתאפק לכל הנצבים עליו ויקרא הוציאו כל איש מעלי ולא עמד איש אתו בהתודע יוסף אל אחיו: )ב( ויתן את קלו בבכי וישמעו מצרים וישמע בית פרעה: )ג( ויאמר יוסף אל אחיו אני יוסף העוד אבי חי ולא יכלו אחיו לענות אתו כי נבהלו מפניו: )ד( ויאמר יוסף אל אחיו גשו נא אלי ויגשו ויאמר אני יוסף אחיכם אשר מכרתם אתי מצרימה: )ה( ועתה אל תעצבו ואל יחר בעיניכם כי מכרתם אתי הנה כי למחיה שלחני אלהים לפניכם:
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:)ו( כי זה שנתים הרעב בקרב הארץ ועוד חמש שנים אשר אין חריש וקציר :)ז( וישלחני אלהים לפניכם לשום לכם שארית בארץ ולהחיות לכם לפליטה גדלה )ח( ועתה לא אתם שלחתם אתי הנה כי האלהים וישימני לאב לפרעה ולאדון לכל ביתו ומשל בכל ארץ :מצרים :)ט( מהרו ועלו אל אבי ואמרתם אליו כה אמר בנך יוסף שמני אלהים לאדון לכל מצרים רדה אלי אל תעמד But Yosef fails to open up the conversation. His language is dismissive rather than engaging. Don’t worry about it – it wasn’t you – it was all part of a divine plan. That may be so. But it left no room for the dialogue of forgiveness. And both Yosef and his brothers suffer from the absence of that conversation. They’re never really able to put it past them. – לו ישטמנוthe mistakes and the regrets and the fears all linger until the very end. But there’s a clue in the language of these verses. Notice (source 19) what the Torah’s word is for forgiveness? נשא. 21. Yotam Benziman, Forgiveness and Remembrance of Things Past, Azure No. 35 (Winter 2009) pg. 105
Forgiveness is a stunning act of חסדon the part of the victim. He’s telling the wrongdoer, “I want to help you.” It’s so powerful. Forgiveness is utterly transformative. From the depths of paralysis, it becomes the vehicle by which the victim can assert a modicum of influence. As we already saw, Avraham is the great model of forgiveness – not only because he’s the ultimate איש חסד. Yes – he’s always searching for ways to improve the lives of other people; he’s never deterred by the seemingly immovable obstacles of poor moral decision-making. Now that we’ve deepened our understanding of what forgiveness is all about, I would add this: Avraham is our paradigm because he perpetually exhibits this quality – the capacity and the willingness to help shoulder the burden. Think of Lot. Think of Sedom. Think of every act in the life of Avraham that was geared toward the ultimate good of another person.
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Now, even if we’re arguing that the victim has the capacity to take the lead in all of this, the process naturally cannot be one-sided. תהלים פרק ל פסוק יב.22 :הפכת מספדי למחול לי פתחת שקי ותאזרני שמחה מצודת ציון תהלים פרק ל פסוק יב.23 : מלשון מחולות ורקוד- למחול On a certain level, מחילהis a dance. If it takes two to tango, then it takes an equal number to forgive. It won’t happen in one fell swoop. Pre-YK forgiveness might happen in an instant. Do you forgive me? Yes. Do you forgive me? Yes. That’s important and it’s worth something, too. But that doesn’t go to the core – the dialogue of forgiveness. If it’s the genuine article – the sincere coming together of two people who want to build up the broken pieces of a fractured relationship, forgiveness is sure to be a journey – and maybe not a short one. The model for engaging in the process of forgiveness as painted by the Rambam is remarkable. What’s so revolutionary about this approach is that it transforms the otherwise powerless victim into the party empowered to really do something constructive. In principle, it’s profoundly noble. In practice, it’s naturally much more complex. Even under the best of circumstances, it takes an enormous amount of courage and self-confidence to say, “I want to tell you that I feel hurt. I want to let you know that something you did put me in awkward position or embarrassed me.” We’re so accustomed to putting up our walls and our defense mechanisms. To make ourselves vulnerable in order to help another person – is a tall order indeed. There are a hundred reasons to engage in the dialogue of forgiveness. But if you take with you one message this morning, let it be this: The great legacy bequeathed to us by our ancestors is the ethic of being an Avraham Avinu. • Avraham’s tent is wide open. • His lines of communication are wide open. • And when it comes to really caring about other people, his heart is wide open, too. Yom Kippur is a great wake-up call, but the dialogue of forgiveness need not start and end on Monday. As the Rambam says over and again – this is – דרכן של זרע ישראלthis is what being Jewish is all about. It’s such a core value for our people. When it comes to repairing relationships, the Rambam is telling you that the deck is stacked in your favor. It’s so much easier to play the victim card. This Erev Yom Kippur, try playing the dialogue card. Don’t wait. Don’t wait for the other guy to make the first move. Maybe the other guy doesn’t even realize he’s done something wrong. Or maybe he knows it but he doesn’t want to open up that ugly chapter from the past.
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You do it. You walk over. You pick up the phone. You start the conversation. You’ll work on it together. And in the process, you’ll be lifting the veil from over one of the most fundamental qualities of your being a member of the Jewish people: your capacity to help shoulder the burden of another person as they come to terms with having made a mistake. Starting this conversation might well be the most difficult thing you do this teshuva season – but it may also be the most transformative. I wish each and every one of you and gmar chasima tova and a shana tova.
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